New Year New You

Posted on January 2, 2024 by janieleeds

So I’m slowly implementing the new rules much to the aggravation of the kids. I’m standing centered and strong even though it feels yucky to have them mad much of the time. It’s like dealing with grown-a** two year olds with temper tantrums. LOL But I’m more stubborn than they realize and I will win. Because they’ve gotten me to the point that I’m done. I divorced their father who treated me badly and I won’t put up with their shenanigans any longer either. Because it’s my money that is paying for a roof over their heads. Not theirs. In fact, neither of them is paying a dime to help me and they’re old enough to pitch in. And they’re men for goodness sakes with no real male role-model which is part of the problem. The other part is that I’ve been babying them because they were so hurt by the divorce. But that’s not working any longer either so I understand that they’re mad, but that’s ok. You can be mad at me for teaching you how to stand up and fend for yourself and be decent people.

It’s taken me a long, long time to get to this place. Part of me feels like I want to come out swinging when they’re acting fresh to me. Part of me understands that I’ve allowed this nonsense for far too long so it’s just that I have to re-train them and myself to implement boundaries what’s allowed and what’s no longer tolerated.

I’m not afraid of them. The older one might tattle to the narcissist side of the family and well, that’s ok. While I cared about this plenty beforehand, and still maybe have an inkling of it, my peace of mind, my finances and our peace within the home is most important. I can’t live this way any longer. If he wants to move out, he can go move in with his dad and his gf or even the grandma because I guarantee they won’t be putting up with his mess. Oh what money I’d save without having to pay for his expenses!

I’d miss him a lot, but we’d also probably have a better relationship. Let’s see how this unfolds…day by day.

Posted in midlife wisdom | Tagged , , , , , | 12 Comments

Gonna Be A New Ranger In Town

Posted on December 30, 2023 by janieleeds

Well the proverbial sh*t has hit the fan and I have to keep reminding myself that it all has to fall apart before it gets better. Right? You’ve heard that line before, haven’t you? I know I have and never took it to heart. Because when it all fell apart with the marriage, I was devastated to pieces. Heartbroken. Utterly useless and I’ll admit it now that I can see – hindsight being 20/20 etc. – that I was unable to function and parent back then because I was so broken and sad.

So when the younger kid tells me that he felt alone with his own feelings back then, I get it. So did I. And try as I might, I couldn’t parent the 2 of us let alone his brother who went off his own way for awhile. Yes, parent myself because I needed it too.

But I had a lot of friends who came forth to help me through it all. He didn’t have that as much, but then again, I remember him not wanting to tell people about it. Anyway, here we are on the cusp of a new year and I’m gearing up for the new ranger in town…me.

Because I’m tired of holding back and not standing in my power. These kids are old enough to be on their own – I was at their ages – and I’m a girl. I know that there’s a difference blah blah blah but seriously. I’m tired of feeling like I’m the domestic help because I should be able to expect that they clean up after themselves. Enough is enough.

I’ll admit that I just do it all because they don’t and I can’t stand to listen to the elder one deflect when I ask him to clean up after he’s attempted cooking because it all looks like Pigpen lives here. He’s under the impression that he’s like his dad who believed that the woman is supposed to do everything while he works and goes out doing God knows what…(actually that’s for another post). But baby, it ain’t working for me noooo more.

So I’m gearing up with new rules. I know it’ll probably start a fight, but that’s ok. I’ll deal with it as it comes…

Posted in midlife wisdom | Tagged , , , , | 6 Comments

Christmas Letdown

Posted on December 26, 2023 by janieleeds

I hope you had a good Christmas (if that’s your holiday)! It’s my holiday too, but mine was a bit stinky this year. In fact, this morning I was grateful to wake up to having Christmas overwith since it was so stressful which is not fun considering I love Christmas!

My kids are fighting, but in a controlled way. The younger one is mad that the older one bosses him around and tries to act like a dad. While both of their arguments about the other one seem to be correct and I want to acknowledge their feelings about it, it escalated yesterday after they spent time with their dad’s family and of course, I’m the one dealing with the fallout. Which yes, I resent. Because nobody gets the fallout but me and I’m not the dad. I’m just the ex-wife of a narcissist and ex-DIL (daughter-in-law) of his satanic narcissist mother. Can you tell I am not a fan of them?

The younger kid came home from the mandatory Christmas breakfast (which I’ve written about before as the kids are supposed to be with me for Christmas Day and with the ex’s family for Christmas Eve only) but ex-MIL holds their gifts until Christmas morning and my kids still want their gifts – so they leave me and go there every single year. Now yes, they could ask her to bring them on Christmas Eve, but nobody dares to change ‘the tradition’ because she’s made it clear that it is not allowed and even her own sons don’t rock the boat. Talk about being a powerful narcissist….

So, when my kids returned from the Christmas morning extravaganza, the younger one said he wasn’t feeling well and wanted to nap. We had an hour before going to my brother’s house so I was fine with it. Being that I was in the kitchen making food to bring over, I didn’t notice anything out of the ordinary. But when it was time to leave, I sent the older one up to rally the younger one and heard that he wasn’t getting out of bed.

When I went up to see what was going on, I was met with the younger kid telling me that he was over Christmas, had been tortured enough and wanted to stay home from my brother’s house and not deal with anything or anyone anymore. I was stunned. He said he was done pretending that all was ok because it’s not. He’s mad at his older brother and was not going to back down from his feelings this time for the sake of someone else.

WTF?

When I tell you that it went downhill from there is an understatement. And while I understand when you’ve had enough and don’t want to people any longer and family can be too much especially around the holidays, my fear was that if I left him alone, he might decide to check out and that…I couldn’t handle. So I voiced my fears to him (probably not a smart move, but it worked) and he ultimately decided to come with us. Everyone was nice to him (including his brother), but he wasn’t having any of it. He sat there at the island in their kitchen watching the ice in his water glass melt, then put his head down, then finally laid down on their couch until he came back in telling me that he was tired and wanted to go home.

I’m going to be really honest here and maybe not particularly kind or motivational or PC. But seriously? I’m sorry. You go to your dad’s house, play all nice with them and have a good time, then you come home to me and tell me that you refuse to do any more Christmas. You’re done with the holidays and want to be left alone? I was torn in so many different directions, questioning my instinctive – get your ass in gear and let’s go! (am I a narcissist too?) to – ok honey, I understand that you’re exhausted but can we please go to my brother’s house so you can see your cousins and have fun? to having an all out temper tantrum of my own and crying.

It got even worse when I had to call my brother because we were now an hour late to his house to explain what was happening and yes, he got mad because there’s some weird competition between the ex-family and him. And then he started asking if it was something he said so that I was making an excuse not to come to his house etc. etc. and so forth…it was such a f’ing nightmare. Then it was awkward at his house with my kids. Not enjoyable at all. I couldn’t wait to get home and go to bed.

Meanwhile just before dinner, the younger kid drove himself home claiming he had a stomachache. He kept in touch and I was grateful to see him gaming with friends when I got home. He wasn’t in a good mood, but then neither was I.

Tonight my kids are supposed to go to dinner with their dad and his family again and then Wednesday they’re scheduled to go on vacation for a week with the grandma etc. We are not out of the woods yet with this looming…although to be fair, it’s got nothing to do with me, but as a mom, you know, I want everyone to be happy and safe.

I was looking forward to some quiet time alone while they were on vacation. But now who knows what will happen…my stress levels in keeping the peace are at wits end. Thanks for reading and letting me vent.

I hope you’re all doing well…

Posted in divorce | Tagged , , , , , , , | 11 Comments

Are You Feeling It Too?

Posted on November 17, 2023 by janieleeds

Hi Everybody! I know it’s been a long while since I’ve written, but I need a safe space to write, so here I am. Funny how I find writing here is safe when I don’t know anyone in real life and yet, the kindness of strangers who have become friends…isn’t that a line in a show somewhere? Like A Streetcar Named Desire? That’s what comes to mind. Anyhoo…

I’m fighting with my elder kid and I hate it. I can recognize that he’s a lot like his dad and gaslights me. I even recorded our conversation the other day in the kitchen because he’s mad at me. He’s got a good heart, but he’s so f’ing entitled in the way I feel he bullies me that I don’t know how to handle it. Part of me want to throw him out of the house (he’s 25 yrs old, no child support and he’s got no job) and part of me feels responsible for him not getting on with his life and becoming a healthy working adult.

It’s difficult as the exlaws and his dad have a lot of pull on him and put me down and he believes them. As much as he gets exasperated with them, I’m the safer person to be mad at because my love has been unconditional. But the way in which he feels superior in my own f’ing household is not good. And yes, I get it. It’s what I’ve allowed. But now I don’t want to allow it anymore. I don’t want to feel like I’m walking on eggshells in my own home when I’m the only one who’s paying for everything.

My brother has offered to speak to him, but I don’t think it will help. The last time bro said something it blew up and made things worse. I’m sorry to be such a downer today, but I’m really at the end of my rope here. I need some parenting advice for sure if you’ve been in a similar situation.

Ex-wife of a narcissist; mother of millenial boy, ex-family who don’t respect you thus causing kid to not respect you…

I think I’m just feeling weakened today. Tomorrow is another day so maybe I’ll feel stronger. Thanks for reading. Hope you’re all doing well…

Posted in #womenofacertainage, finding happiness at 50, midlife wisdom | Tagged , , , , | 10 Comments

Catching Up

Posted on July 30, 2023 by janieleeds

I’m living a few towns over from where I grew up and lately, I’ve been invited out and have been going. It’s been fun to reconnect with friends from long ago.

But…we took a photo yesterday, a bunch of us, and even though I knew I’d gained weight, I didn’t realize how much of a fat girl I am or how I looked on the outside. It was frightening. Because I never looked so heavy in my life! The overall weight gain is staggering in a photo.

Because in my head, I look good. I’m happier than I’ve been in a long time. But the meds I’m on are not fun and it shows on my body. And lately, well, I’m craving bread! OMG! Hand me a crusty hunk of french bread or a roll slathered in butter and I’m in heaven! So not good for keeping the weight down….

But I digress. This was a shocker to me yesterday. So I’m thinking of trying to start on August 1st to be more mindful of what I eat and how I eat it. I want to lose the weight as I’m not happy with the scale or how my clothes fit or how I look in said clothing.

It’s been too hot to walk outside (for fear I’ll get dizzy with the heat) so I’ve been more sedentary lately too. I think today and tomorrow I’ll enjoy myself less so I can ease into the August mindfulness.

Any tips on losing weight? I’m all ears!

Posted in #womenofacertainage, finding happiness at 50, health, heart, women's health | Tagged , , , , , | 14 Comments

Oh, To Be So Loved…

Posted on July 9, 2023 by janieleeds

I was watching videos on my phone this morning when I happened upon this one. A recently married couple are standing in front of her father before they leave as her father says to the groom:

“If one day something changes in your heart and for some reason you stop loving my daughter, please don’t hurt her. Bring her back to me.”

The groom says that it will never happen and then the father tells him to take care of his precious daughter. Afterwards they hug and all are crying around them, including me.

Because…oh, to be so loved…to have a father who stands up for you. I can’t imagine…but I’d like to…

I have found out now that I’m divorced from different people that my dad didn’t really want me to marry the now ex. A little too late…and it was my choice, my path as it were.

If you’re a dad of a daughter…remember the above. We daughters need your support and love and stability. More than you’ll ever know…

Posted in divorce, love | Tagged , , , , | 3 Comments

Montana Man

Posted on June 6, 2023 by janieleeds

When I was 15 years old, I was in a wedding as a Jr. bridesmaid. I thought I was in the big leagues being that it was a December wedding (near my favorite holiday Christmas) and I had a full length red velvet gown to wear. It was the wedding of my parents’ friend’s son and as his ‘unofficial youngest sister’ I was invited to be a bridesmaid. I was in heaven because I thought I was very grown up. Sigh…ahhh…the memories…sweet, naive and full of romantic ideals.

The groom graduated the Citadel and all of his friends were his groomsmen. Talk about a bevy of men in uniform. Now do you see how this girl was thinking? LOL Additionally, my parents weren’t able to come to the wedding because my mom was taking care of my dad after his recent surgery. So little ol’ Janie was on her own and feeling mighty grown up…

I caught the eye of one of the groomsmen and we spent the weekend hanging out together and dancing at the wedding. He sought me out and I was thrilled by the attention. He definitely made me feel special that weekend and asked for my address to write to me. He didn’t kiss me, but it was close. Even this many years later, I can smile remembering that wedding….

We wrote occasionally and he became ‘pals’ with my dad too. Strange I know, but my ‘unofficial brother’ made the introduction. By the time I got to college and over the age of consent, he began calling me, talking with me, writing letters (because we didn’t have emails back in the day) and even came to university to take me on vacation for the weekend. It was strange though…he didn’t try to sleep with me, and the relationship stayed chaste. My girlfriends and I nicknamed him Montana Man because that’s where he lived for awhile.

I lost interest after the bust of the weekend away, but he stayed friendly with my dad, still writing letters as they were friends and my dad always seemed to parent lost boys. So much to my surprise yesterday when I get a call from Montana Man out of the blue. I hadn’t talked with him since my dad passed away more than a decade ago.

I’ll admit, I’ve often wondered what the hell was going on in his head about me, but still I never asked. I just take people for who they are and see how it unfolds. And still I didn’t ask…but he called to tell me he had a bunch of my dad’s letters and wanted to catch up. I let him know I was divorced now and he let me know he was having health issues. As strange as it may sound, it was like talking with an old family friend. We talked for 2 hours which was fun. But there’s no zhush or connection other than friendship.

But hmmm…maybe more of those are emerging? My first boyfriend ever DM’s me occasionally with silly messages. I have had a few old boyfriends reach out over the years. Is there something in the air or maybe just the age that they seek old loves out? Feeling old so you want to reconnect and that makes you feel better? Who knows?

Anyone else experiencing this lately? Full moon antics? LOL

Posted in #womenofacertainage, divorce, love | Tagged , , , | 6 Comments

Mother’s Day

Posted on May 15, 2023 by janieleeds

I hope you all had a lovely Mother’s Day…I hope you were celebrated by your family! For those of us whose moms are no longer living, count me in with that hug of a united friendship. There’s a strange feeling that happens when it’s Mother’s Day and you don’t have a living mom anymore. Or is it just me who feels this way?

But yesterday was lovely for me as my brother and his wife invited the kids and me over for dinner. It was really great as he made sure I felt included and made steaks on the grill because I don’t get that treat too often because I don’t have a grill anymore.

But what was strange was how my kids, when he was asking them at dinner about seeing their dad and his family the day before, well, they said they bought the dad’s girlfriend (of one year) flowers for Mother’s Day because their dad told them to do it. In fact, he gave them money for the flowers for her and she cried because she was so touched.

So then my brother asked them what they bought their real mom (meaning me) and they had to admit they’d only bought me a card and made some flimsy excuse when he asked why they didn’t buy me flowers too. (excuse was that I already had bought flowers for myself). I got up from the table then and excused myself to go to the bathroom. I overheard my brother telling them that it was in extremely poor taste that they gave the girlfriend flowers and not their own mother, especially since I’m the one paying for everything for them. He really dug into them and I was very grateful. I guess the message got through because when we got home from dinner, they told me that they would buy me flowers this week. I’m not holding my breath but it would be nice.

What’s the point here? It’s that kindness goes a long way and men role model how their sons treat their moms. We can only do so much and sometimes it feels like a losing battle.

Oh and let me add that years ago when we first split up, I did make sure the boys gave their dad a Father’s Day gift (which I paid for), but since it was never reciprocated, I stopped.

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Won’t You Be My Neighbor?

Posted on March 13, 2023 by janieleeds

Did you start singing when you read the title? Did it remind you of Mr. Rogers? LOL

The first morning after we moved in, the dog needed to go out and nobody was up. So without thinking, without brushing my teeth, I just slipped my feet into my sneakers, tied my hair in a pony and went out. Bleary-eyed because I’d yet to sip any coffee.

In our old rental, we had a yard (being a free standing house – I’m now in a townhouse). The neighbors couldn’t see me in my pjs, so it was no big deal. But here?! Yikes!

I walked outside (in sweats) to be greeted within 5 minutes by 3 neighbors, with 2 other dogs in tow. Talk about not making a good first impression! While they were really nice and very chatty, I have to really remember now that I need to be on my game when I leave the house because they’re everywhere! I’ve never lived in a townhouse development. This is all new to me. I resisted for years because I wanted a stand-alone-house like I’d always had. But the landlords wanted to take advantage of the market and sell the house we were renting, so I had no choice but to find a new place to live…and while this was the top of my budget, I felt like it was ‘the one’ to get. So I did.

Thus far, this is like living on a city block because there are always people walking around! Since the first encounter, I’ve met about 8 other people who are walking their dogs or just walking around. I guess I’ll have to get used to it. But it’s a little daunting. I’m used to my privacy. Quiet. An occasional friendly wave. But not full on chatter from strangers! LOL

Posted in finding happiness at 50 | Tagged , , | 9 Comments