I stopped living a few years back. I know that sounds dire, but I was just existing for a long time. Not enjoying life. Not caring about anything really. Not depressed, but not happy. I don’t even remember the past few years and no, I don’t have any memory issue diseases. It’s just what it is. Let’s call it a Blind Spot.
I didn’t want to see what was happening. I didn’t want to look at anything. I was so blah that it didn’t matter to me one way or another. Stoically, I was determined to just be here, go about the routine of getting up, passing the day, and returning to bed later on. Not a lot of fun, but I didn’t even realize that was going on. That’s how low I’d sunk.
Occasionally the old me would peer out and she’d balk at how life had become so boring. How I’d let myself slide so far down that there wasn’t much room in the hole I’d dug myself into and nested. And yet, even that wasn’t enough to motivate me.
Fast forward to a recent vacation with one of my besties. We went back to Europe where we’d studied more than 30+ years ago and even got to see our former boyfriends with whom, at the time, we were madly in love. While neither of us rekindled the romance with them as times have changed, it was mindblowing how the experience sparked me out of the blahs…seriously.
Spending time where I have always felt at home, even though the language is different and it’s 30+ years later has given me the impetus to want to find myself again. Because Janie’s in there…I felt her sparkle. I felt those tingles, the smiles, and the good feelings of being cared for by a man with whom we’ll always share a love even though we’re not together. That was the key piece for me. He knew me back when I was young and we have a shared history that didn’t work out as we’d hoped. But the love, the caring love, still remains and to me, that was everything.
Not to be a downer but after the divorce, my life fell apart. Rejected by all and I went down a deep rabbit hole of feeling awful, not good enough, less than, ugly, rejected, and even though everyone else encouraged me to ‘get over it’ and ‘move on’ I stayed in that sadness for far too long.
I’m a believer in divine timing so who knows what will happen. But I think I’ll have to go to that damn reunion so as not to miss any opportunity the universe may be sending me. Argg…there’s a huge part of me that wants nothing to do with it. I don’t want to go. Then there’s a part of me that says, “What else would you be doing that night? Watching Netflix?” and that’s the pebble in my proverbial shoe.
Know what I mean?
Authentically 50 ~ Embracing Life's Changes 