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I’m angry…

12 Thursday Sep 2019

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and frustrated and have become more agitated as the day has gone on.

Seven weeks ago I wrote that first post about someone I love either fighting for his life or having left me and this world. The emotions I felt that day consumed me.  The reality of it slowly sunk in and the emotions transfigured themselves into knowing deep inside that it was time.  Time for change… for me and for us.

This morning I was questioned about my communications with a further lack of understanding as far as emotions go.  There is a huge difference between where his emotions currently sit and my own.  As I said yesterday, I get it.  I do understand but it’s frustrating when the other party doesn’t understand because he won’t as opposed to he can’t.  I think the most frustrating part of this morning is repetition of feelings and my wanting to scream where do you expect things to go from here?

That is why I have to move on!  Decisions were made a long time ago.  There is no time-traveling deLorean that can take us back in time.  There is nothing that is going to make us wake up together in the same bed with many years of different memories.  It’s impossible.  We have no other choice but to accept the hand we have been dealt and carry on from that point.

It’s the lack of understanding.  There seems to be a disconnect between reality and desire.  We can always desire but reality rears its ugly head.

Maybe that’s why I write fiction most of the time.  Because I can create my own reality.  I can create a world where I do have control over the characters, the setting, everything!  I can determine who lives, who dies, who falls in love, who has a baby, who gets married.  I can make the call on emotions and how those are managed.  In real life, we can’t do that… in real life we can’t make it up as we go along!

I wish there was some way, any way, to express how I feel and to get some understanding.  Other than understanding that I need to move on, he’s stuck on the how he’s going to manage that which seems to have hit the pause button on the conversation… again.  It’s been seven weeks.  Other than tough love and walking away I don’t know what else to do… I’m not the type of person to do that… I never have been.  I try to be understanding and caring and respectful.  Maybe my heart is just too big!

I am teaching tonight so I do need to bring this to a close and start the process of getting ready for supper and getting the place ready for bedtime so that it’s all set when I get home later.

I do have something exciting to share today though… IT’s HERE!  My proof copy arrived today!  Want a peek?  I realize that the publisher is now looking at it and I figure that there’s nothing wrong with my proceeding from this side for now because if they choose not to publish then I just need to push a button and it all goes live!  IF they choose to publish then I just don’t complete the process… I remove it from my Projects List.  Anyway, there are a few minor interior changes that need to be made but I can’t believe how close I actually got on the reds… have a look for yourself…

A Long Weekend…

19 Sunday Feb 2017

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and I can’t find a single thing to write.

It’s been a tough few weeks with the pathology & MRI results coming in and not being the best.  I go over it my head and I have so many questions.  I think I have more questions than answers and I don’t like it!

And it’s, once again, a case where it’s blocked my ability to write.  I am even struggling with this post.

How do I change my thinking so I can focus on some writing because I most certainly need the distraction!

How many posts have I put up about pushing through?  I TEACH writer’s block!  ARGH!

This last week had a few ups… on Monday I was asked by the college if I would teach Transcription on Thursdays.  I said yes and the form was sent to me and I signed it back.  Then on Tuesday I got another email asking if I would be willing to take on another class… on Tuesdays for the next level of what I’m teaching now!  It runs from May 16 to August 24.  I guess I’m at home all summer!

I’m going to be pushing it for sure teaching two 12-hour days those days.  Thankfully my day off is in the middle.  The great thing (or it should be) is that I will be taking vacation time in there so it won’t be a constant push for 14 weeks.

The only thing I’m worried about is my next procedure/surgery and the date it will fall on and the restrictions.  Missing teaching is not ideal.  I have the ability to move a class or two but I’d prefer not to.

So much is happening in my life that are at both ends of the spectrum.  I feel like I’m on the worlds largest/tallest roller coaster.  One minute I’m at the tip top and the next second I’m under the ground searching for the light.

Do you ever reach the point when there has been so much change that you just want to forget all of it?  You just feel like if there’s one more little thing it might just cause you to make that left turn into the path of an oncoming transport truck? That you want to tell everyone where to go because you really just want to be left alone with all those racing thoughts wondering about next steps and how many decisions you have to make and will you make the right ones?

That’s pretty much me at this point.  I don’t want to be alone but I have been anyway. Besides, finding people who are willing to just take me in my current state and listen to my feelings, has been a tough undertaking!

So I’m a mess!  But hey!  I managed a blog post after all!  That’s probably one of the keys to breaking down that writer’s block!

Lessons in…

22 Sunday Jan 2017

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Life?
Love?
Politics?

We move through the days and weeks, the months and the years and we learn lessons that we aren’t always conscious of.

It’s amazing how certain things help you to put issues into perspective.

This past Wednesday I taught my first class.  Despite being nervous as hell, I pulled it off.  I have a good group of eager students and it felt great to be back in the classroom again after all these years in this capacity.  Sure, there have been plenty of bumps along the way… that always happens.

Now I face the unknown before I’m back in the classroom.  Less than two months ago I went to the doctor for routine stuff and Tuesday morning I have to have a procedure that will likely consist of a biopsy.  So please at least cross your fingers for me.  As a nurse in family practice I have referred dozens for this and more than 90% come back okay.  My mind keeps straying from one outcome to the opposite outcome completely because, as an author, there is always the what-if?

It’s always there.  Once that is done, I will head back into the classroom and hopefully have just as strong a performance.

That’s life for you!

As for politics… well, we had a lesson this week and each will take our own thoughts to our graves!

Lastly, love… well, it is what it is.  I will continue to write, when I can get back to it, and there will always be romance!  It is what gets us through our days and those moments when we need the most support.

I have been in an incredible amount of pain since Wednesday.  I hope that it’s not a side effect of teaching but a result of the stress that I have been carrying around.  Between the teaching and  the procedure, I could probably be a string on a violin or guitar!  I go to the chiropractor on Wednesday morning so hopefully he will be able to resolve some of my issues because the main stresses will then be gone and it will be a waiting game for the pathology report.

So, fingers crossed.  I have to pack up and go now but wanted to get a post put up quickly before I leave.

 

Officially Sick!

14 Saturday Jan 2017

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It has been another two weeks since I’ve written.  I’ve fallen off the schedule.  The new job has thrown me off kilter!

For the last two weeks, at least, I have been struggling through the school’s delivery program as everything is electronic.  First I had the wrong shell.  I only got the new shell on Wednesday evening.  I have also ended up having two 12-hour days this week as I was attending professional development workshops.  I was supposed to attend a third this afternoon but my back is soooooo sore (most of you know the history there so I won’t go into it) I just can’t fathom sitting there another three hours when all that will do is make it that much worse.  The staff is great and don’t care if I stand but that wasn’t working so well on Tuesday and Thursday… obviously!

To add insult to injury, I ended up catching a cold!  The last few days I have had a stuffy and runny nose.  I woke this morning to that feeling of ‘my head is going to explode’!!  So, I am officially sick.  Another, and probably better, reason to not go this afternoon.  That’s okay, I have a year to get four of them in.  I think I can manage two in the next eleven months.

As for my writing, well, you know that I published Confessions on New Year’s Day.  That’s the last I have done.  I do want to get it up on Amazon but that will take a bit more time.

I had one of my past campers send me a manuscript to read through.  I did manage to get through about 10 pages of the 79 she sent!!  It’s a long story.  Her concern is there is no plot.

As we know, every story has a plot or it couldn’t be told.  It doesn’t necessarily  mean the plot is thick and multi-faceted though.  It could be very thin with very little happening outside the plot.  We all have those in our closet.  Most likely, my first few books are written that way.  There’s not much to put into love stories though I have tried my best to put some small occurrence in that leaves everyone shocked.

A plot can’t work without characters but characters can’t work without a plot.  Another great way to look at it is to look at your own life and all the bumps along the way.  What is the plot of your life?  We never know the ending.  Do we want to know the ending?  And don’t forget that among the main plot line are all kinds of little subplots.  Maybe it’s  drama from parents or siblings and maybe it’s drama at work.  All those little things have a profound effect on the main plot of our lives.  Eventually they will all get wrapped up in a neat little bow.  It will just take time.

So I will finish off what I need to do for my classes and spend a bit of time checking out this plotless story and see what I can come up with… I bet it does have a plot!

Final Draft

18 Sunday Dec 2016

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It’s been a busy couple of weeks.  I sat, again, last week to write a post and a) couldn’t come up with anything and, b) Ran out of time.

Last weekend I was in the midst of preparing for a job interview that I had on Wednesday.  It was an interview as well as a mini-teach.  I was really nervous but once I got going it was just like I’d never left the front of the classroom!

On Thursday, at the end of the day, 4:56 to be exact, I got the job offer.  I am now part-time instructor (associate faculty) in the Continuing Education business department for the Medical Office Practices program at Conestoga College!  It has all happened so fast but I’m thrilled!  It’s a little overwhelming too, I have to admit, to be teaching again but mostly I feel excited!!

As for Confessions in the Mural, well, it’s done.  I entered the last of my edits yesterday and just finished printing it off and putting it into the binder.  I will go through and review it looking for spelling and grammar mistakes and checking on punctuation.  There were two sections I added in that have not been edited at all so I will also make sure I get all that covered.

This amongst all the Christmas preparations… finishing shopping, wrapping and getting all the cards finished.  I am finding I am extra emotional this Christmas because of our experience with the horse.  I haven’t been as motivated to tend to the gift thing because all I wanted for Christmas is now hanging with her friends in a field at the barn!  It has given me that perspective on Christmas that I never fully understood.  The miracle that prayer and love can bring.

So, since Christmas Day is on Sunday, I will very likely not get a post in next week.  Maybe I still will, I don’t know.

But I extend the all the magic of the Christmas Season to you!

John Lennon

17 Saturday Sep 2016

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We all know him well from both his time with The Beatles and on his own/with his wife.  I was six when he was shot and killed.  They used his song Beautiful Boy in the movie Mr. Holland’s Opus and in that song is the famous line “Life is what happens to you while you‘re busy making other plans”.

I must admit that I have been thinking about that more and more lately. In the movie, Richard Dreyfuss plays a composer who got his teaching degree to “fall back on”.  After his band gigs dry up, he takes a job at a local high school as a music teacher.  He composes in his spare time which is used up more and more by duties at school.  He learns to love his job and his students but he still carries that passion.  When the school board cuts the music program, he ends up retiring.  His wife has secretly rounded up past students to form an orchestra and play, for the first time ever, the piece of music, the opus, that he has worked on for 30 years.

When I was a child, all I wanted to be was a nurse.  I’m not going to bore my ongoing readers with all the details I have shared before but I made it.  I have worked as an RN since 1999. For the last 15 years I have been writing novels and, for the last six or so, I have been teaching writing.  As you also know, I go to work each day and dream about sitting at home and writing.  By the time I get home at the end of the day, often I’m too tired to sit and write.  All I want to do is crash on the couch and count the hours until I can go to bed.

“Life is what happens to you while you‘re busy making other plans”

We spend hours, days, weeks, months, even years making other plans.  In the interim, we experience life, or whatever is “meant to be”.  What if we want the plans though? But think of this… if you were to finally get your dream would you still love it?

I ask myself this all the time.  Now my dream is really for my novels to find a publisher and sell reasonably well… well enough to support me and allow me to write what I want to write.  That’s a big difference from, say, freelance writing.  Sure I like writing articles, and I love blogging.  But would I be happy doing that for eight hours a day to support myself?  Could I “come home” or rather retire upstairs and still want to spend time on my own writing and editing?  Would I still want to go out and teach a class?

We all want what we can’t have whether that’s large scale or small scale.  People have asked me about owning a home rather than renting.  My snow gets cleared, my grass gets cut.  If anything in my house breaks down, it’s only my problem until the landlord can send someone to fix it.  I don’t have to hire a plumber, I don’t even have to buy my own fridge!  Because of my back, this works for me, especially not having the yard work.

What “life” has happened to you while you’ve been busy making other plans?

 

I Wish…

12 Sunday Jun 2016

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Don’t you wish you could make a wish list that actually came true rather than remaining as such?  I wish I could hole myself up for a month, undisturbed, to do whatever I want to do which just happens to be WRITE!

There is so much going on in my little brain right now… working on past writing as well as current writing–my Henry story, my memoir and the sequel to Mystery in the Attic.  I know I would need more than a month but it would be a healthy start!

It has been fifteen years since I started writing.  I would like to implement my start-over plan as a bit of a celebration but how am I supposed to do that?  There is absolutely no way I could do everything I’d like to do for it!  Republish all my books with Forewords in them, new pictures, listings of all my books as well as actually finish my Henry story in time for Sam’s graduation since it was her Grade 6 class that gave me some of the ideas… wouldn’t it be a great graduation present for all of them if I finished it?

So much to do and no time to do it!  This seems to be my theme… is it just me or are there others out there who feel like they are constantly reaching for more time and it slips through their fingers?

I did manage, on Wednesday afternoon, to start writing the forewords I’d like to see in my books… something different for each of them.  Just a short “what made me write this” sort of thing.  One page, maybe slightly over the page.  Does anyone read those things?

I also have concerns that camp is not going to run this year and, honestly, I’m torn.  I’ve booked the week off, my daughter is teaching camp but maybe it’s not running because I need the time.  As I said recently, I’m debating that if camp doesn’t run this year I might give it up… at least for a few years.  See if things come back around again.  Is the interest not there?  Or do I only run it on years when the first lands during the week and I make it four days?  I have no answers but I’m just tired of putting it out there, planning the week off way back in February and then nothing!

So I will take my leave and go spend some additional time working on something!  I’d like to get Henry further along but I can never choose!

Frustration & Decisions

08 Wednesday Jun 2016

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Life is bound to bring frustration to each of us.  Doesn’t really matter what stage of life though, it seems.  My laptop is dying.  That’s probably the nicest way to put it.  But that machine is my life!  Sure I have had many other computers and I knew that one day it would come to this but when I waste an HOUR of my already precious time, it’s beyond frustrating!

I’m doing a backup on it to my trusty external hard drive since I haven’t done that since September.  I can’t afford to buy a new one right now so it will either have to do or I’m going to be spending more time in the basement on the desktop which brings other issues… for starters, it doesn’t have anything on it.  All of my files, all of my photos, they are all on my laptop!

Enough said on that… moving on… my original post was going to be about the frustrations of Writer’s Camp.  I have only one camper registered.   This has happened twice… both years that I have had to run camp for five days vs. four days.  I always run it the first week of July so Canada Day there is no camp.

That leads me to Decisions… the other thing that life deals all of us, all the time!  Decisions.  For the better part of this year, as you all know, I have been trying to figure out my next steps in life.  You know that things are happening at my day job that have me pounding the pavement for an alternative.  That said, what is that alternative?  I know what I’d like it to be–something in writing–but I know that a lack of experience will hinder that.

You also know that I have been talking about a start-over plan.  Everything has been put on hold, including reading about writing! It is the end of the school year, you see.  With that comes summatives! I know, not even an actual word!  It underlines in red so I wonder who came up with that one!  Bloody Brilliant as Ron Weasley would say.  These summatives are frustrating.  They have short due dates and in my opinion should have been handed out after March Break.  Why do these kids have to do large projects in short time frames?  I am trying to keep up with helping my daughter get her stuff done because, like all of us, we want our kids to succeed.  This year is huge for change… my daughter is coming up on her graduation and the changes that come with that.  She’s growing up and starting life!

I know that being a writer comes with ups and downs just like everything.

But seriously, here’s what I’m thinking… if camp doesn’t fly this year I think I might throw in the towel on teaching.  I spend so many hours, that are very rare in the first place, working on teaching… advertising, updating material, preparing for class (if it runs)… in a year, and I keep losing sight of my own writing.

I really want to turn my focus back on my writing.  I want to go back and revisit my previous work while having the time and ability to work on new work.  My memoir has been sitting dormant for weeks and all the progress I was making on my old Henry story has joined it.  I also want to revisit my start-over plan notes and see where I’m at with those.  I didn’t get very far.

So frustrations & decisions abound… we carry on through it all.  Through the death of a beloved pet to work stress to summatives, we’ll make it in the long run!

 

 

 

Here we go!

23 Sunday Aug 2015

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Tuesday is it!  My first meeting with my first coaching student!  YIKES!!

I am not going to script it… that always fails miserably.  I’m dealing with a ten-year-old after all who will have her own agenda!  My goal is to try and find out what her personal goals are as far as her writing goes.  Does she want to be a writer when she grows up? What else does she aspire to?  I know she loves playing video games in her spare time as well so I think it’s going to be a challenge trying to get her to focus for an hour on writing.

Setting goals is important to each of us.  What do we want?  Where do we want to end up, other than the best selling list!  I think most writers want that.  I don’t necessarily want the bestseller list, I’d just like to have a whole lot of people buying my books–enough to make a living off of and I want to have my writing & photography studio where I can teach my classes day and night, do my own writing and have openings for local photographers.  That’s it.  I want to make enough money from my writing to support myself!

But not only do we have to set those goals; know what we want to achieve, but we have to determine how we are going to achieve them!  Do we break it down into smaller steps which typically makes it easier?  Sure, we can try that but what’s the advantage?  With a writing studio it’s basically all or nothing.  Without enough money to rent the space, set it up, advertise and know there is enough money there for me to live off of for a year, I cannot achieve my goal because there are never any guarantees!

Nothing further has come from ESME despite her telling me she’d send another assignment my way.  Are they at their limit for the month?  Will I see something in September?  Or are they good with what I wrote for them and now they will move on?  All I want is to have steady work, probably from different companies so I can start squirreling away the money to put to the Writing Studio.  Either that or begin the process of putting together my business plan and see how many banks turn me down! (I’ve been down that road before so it’s the known, not the unknown–this is not an assumption!)

So our goals need to be flexible if nothing else.  We have to do our best to work towards them and accept the setbacks where they happen.  Tuck it into the backs of our minds and put that wonderful four-letter word into: HOPE.  When it comes to this business it’s often HOPE that keeps us going.  HOPE and an incessant need to write and have our writing noticed!

Gone…

09 Sunday Aug 2015

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But incredible!!

Well, today is it.  Tomorrow is back to the grind and spending a week trying to clear off my desk with one of my favourite locums in the office!  Never a dull moment.

But… I got all that energy back that I had lost a week ago.  I found it!  I had a week off where I went looking for it and I found it!  I got much crossed off my list but many things added to the list.  I already knew that if I were to retire tomorrow I could easily fill my days sun up to sun down.  I think with everything falling into place the way it has been this past week made me see that even more.

Writing the articles, selling copies of my book seeing the potential for other opportunities has all played its part this week.

But I didn’t get the cleaning done I wanted to and this is a must!  I have taken on that coaching and they’re going to come here! It’s the best option really but it’s just so messy.  Not dirty, just untidy.  My dining room table is the catch-all for everything!

I have one last chance to apply to the Sustainable Arts Foundation as a single mom who is also an artist/writer.  And do you think I can?  It goes back to when I was applying for that Artist in Residence program.  For whatever reason, I cannot write about myself!  I actually reversed it to Third Person to help me write something!  Am I the only one?

And what is the cause?  Is it because I spend so much time writing and most of that is in the Third Person?  Is it because I’m just not one to brag?  Or is it just trying too hard to impress them instead of just being me?

I guess I don’t understand how I’m supposed to be.  Artists put their work out there to speak for itself.  Artist’s don’t typically spend a lot of time talking about themselves… they are always talking about their work… maybe I need to look at myself as a novel and write the back cover copy!

Any suggestions?  It’s the biography and Artist’s Statement that trips me up the most!  Is it that I am actually unclear about it or that I don’t like talking about myself?  Of course there’s also the “how would you use the award?” question.  Not that I don’t have a good idea but still… will it be acceptable?

If I won the $6000 I would definitely take a trip to Paris.  I have wanted to go for an extremely long time.  The Trinket Box even eluded to a potential trip to France when she was trying to get him out of the abyss but I worked around that.  I would use my time there to see the sights, improve my photography skills (the “other” creative side of me) and use the time and space to be creative and write!  I would love to be able to set a novel, or parts of a novel, in Paris.  I would use a small part of the award to upgrade and buy some additional camera equipment in order to improve on the photos I take.  Lastly, I would use the remaining portion of it to finish my workspace so I have a private and quiet place to do my work and do some advertising to promote not only my books but my writing classes and coaching!

But is that acceptable?  Do I have to expand on it anymore?  It doesn’t indicate that I need to include an actual budget.

I will start with that anyway!  I have until September 4th so I have time.  I’ll keep you posted!

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