I’ll tell what is the problem in me, Just to let go of this misery, In every word that I try to convey, Is a word that my mind wants to betray, Like potatoes baked halfway, And if I eat it, I don’t think I’ll stay, For every topic my mind wants to play, Is a topic that I half-heartedly portray,
I’m not lacking imagination, To imagine all the symbolisms, The symbols that guide the journey, A journey that the reader will go through, Like going through a ride on a river, And a river that I’m not trying to dig,
I want my words to be raw, Like a sturdy brick, Like a stone that hurts, Like a mountain that they’ll never miss to see, I’m tired of writing delicately, Refined until none really understands it, The words are written and spoken in cursive,
Because this is my frustration, This is my emotion, This is the battle that I have to go through, That I can only feel suffer, I can only feel pain, I have forgotten how to feel genuinely happy, I can’t remember joy,
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I had a session with my therapist today and after the session, she shared this:
Lawyer Julie Yip-Williams, who was born blind, on the paradoxes of life:
“I do not have the answer to the question of why, at least not now and not in this life. But I do know that there is incredible value in pain and suffering, if you allow yourself to experience it, to cry, to feel sorrow and grief, to hurt. Walk through the fire and you will emerge on the other end, whole and stronger. I promise. You will ultimately find truth and beauty and wisdom and peace. You will understand that nothing lasts forever, not pain, or joy. You will understand that joy cannot exist without sadness. Relief cannot exist without pain. Compassion cannot exist without cruelty. Courage cannot exist without fear. Hope cannot exist without despair. Wisdom cannot exist without suffering. Gratitude cannot exist without deprivation. Paradoxes abound in this life. Living is an exercise in navigating within them.
I was deprived of sight. And yet, that single unfortunate physical condition changed me for the better. Instead of leaving me wallowing in self-pity, it made me more ambitious. It made me more resourceful. It made me smarter. It taught me to ask for help, to not be ashamed of my physical shortcoming. It forced me to be honest with myself and my limitations, and eventually to be honest with others. It taught me strength and resilience.”
Source: Letter to her daughters (July 2017) via Letters of Note
Lately, I was in a low energy and heavily emotional because I am going through a phase that is killing me inside. I have to spend too much time inside my head finding the best solutions to resolve it. I had to pour it all out with my therapist. I’m lucky that she has been really helpful on this journey.
I guess it is true that whatever happened to me, it’s all about how I look at it. I choose to take responsibility for my decisions. Go through all the pain from every step taken thereon. Sometimes, I need to take drastic actions, sometimes I don’t have to take any actions at all. Nothing wrong in taking my time, standing at the same spot before I decided to choose which path to take. Sometimes, I take a detour, taking on side quests. That’s also fine.
How days more? These tears would fall, From the corner of my eyes, Every single time, Every moment spent, To think about you, The Sun I can never, Get close to, The Sun I can never, See at night, The Sun I can never, Stare directly, The Sun I can never, Stop wanting.
The SEAPOWRIMO ended on 19 August for a total of 14 days. It was really fun and challenging to do the prompts. I have always been trying to incorporate my personal cultural identity in my poems and I think the SEAPOWRIMO prompts really helps in a way.
Today I want to share a song that I feel really stands out to me this week. It is a song titled Honestly, I – Amrita Soon ft. Su San. It made me feel cozy and sad at the same time. Check it out below.
Both are talented upcoming artists from Malaysia and I will always shamelessly promote them here.
In my own interpretation, it’s really all about how some separation gone without saying anything. Be it family, friends, partner or strangers that we once knew dearly.
Also, in a different perspective, in the song the lyric goes like ‘But what if I still miss you will you change your mind?” What if someone from your past asked you the question and you know the answer? They don’t know your answer but you already have something in your mind. It’s like, they are not given the clarity that they seek at the same time, you have the clarity that they need. Do you follow me?
In a way, sometimes communication is the only way to get clarity and not everyone is able to accept and move on easily without proper communication. While I do believe that non-communication is also a form of communication, it depends on how both people view the level of necessity in communicating.
Previously, I shared my thoughts on Room 201 by Su San and her first guest was Amrita. You can read about my thoughts here.
Write Ally! Write! 