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Dengarkan kata hati, Ikutkan intuisi, Hakikatnya, berbeza dengan realiti, Bila dikira kesilapanku tak cukup tunjuk jari, Cuba terus dengan langkah jatuh bangun tiap hari,
Sebenarnya apa yang aku mahu, Belum jumpa jawapan walau aku cerakin satu-satu, Mungkin jawapan bukan ada pada aku, Mungkin buku jawapan ada di tanganmu, Yang aku harus kejar jauh beribu batu,
Ini bukan puisi cinta, Ini nukilan orang merana, Yang makin kelu dalam bahasa, Yang makin kaku untuk berbicara, Dek seorang bidadari syurga.
I opened my eyes, Now I am a specter, Without any physical form, Only gassy and slow whisper, Following you close, I see you turning over, Confused and wonder, Like a second of wind blows, You can’t see me, I can see you, And you started to run, I’m not chasing, I want to stay, As a ghost used to be close to you.
I wish to know, The answer to my questions, Because I feel the one, And only trying, Seeking clarity, Even though I don’t need it, I’m not letting go, I’m not forcing it too, I’m just stuck, Somewhere, Asking all the questions, That I will never have the answers.
Today’s prompt sounds like my daily journal prompt, so I’m just going to write it down here. I just watched a movie, No Hard Feelings (2023) starring Jennifer Lawrence and Andrew Barth Feldman. It is a rom com type of movie that looks really cliche but in a way I see it as how we are in life as well. For some, our life is too cliche but that is our reality. The mistakes, the stupidity, the discomfort, the challenges, and all the things that painted ‘everything is wrong’ in our life.
We are just living and the ebb and flow is our circumstances in life.
The movie as stated in IMDB:
On the brink of losing her home, Maddie finds an intriguing job listing: helicopter parents looking for someone to bring their introverted 19-year-old son out of his shell before college. She has one summer to make him a man or die trying.
I’m not going to review the movie. That is not how Ally’s Thoughts segment works. It is about the values, the message, and how it affected me is the point of this post. So, this movie made me feel something and it fits today’s prompt.
How are you feeling right now?
I can’t help myself but to feel relatable to Maddie in a way. She has a lot of problems like her avoidant attachment styles, limiting self-belief, living life day to day (not in a bad way), going through challenges in her daily life, and so much more. I can also relate to Percy in certain ways.
But what made me moved the most is the growth and clarity they had throughout the movie. It made me think on a couple of questions like;
How would I do in a conflict with my partner? How would I do if I’m in their shoes? How would I fare to be in their struggles? How far can I go to get things that I want? How far can I go to be with the person that I love? How relatable is their situation to my situation right now? Will someone treat me the same?
This sounds like overthinking and reading too deep into it. I can’t deny it but what makes it different from a simple thought of overthinking to a mental exercise is how I go through the questions one by one and resolve it. This is an exercise that I usually do in coaching to deal with thoughts that come from overthinking.
I actually have options. Either I answer it, I imagine it and get on with it, I acknowledge that I don’t have an answer, or I try to understand how does some of it really matters right now. Ultimately, it is about having the awareness itself and how it affects me emotionally.
It gave me some clarity in a way
There are some questions that have been lingering around me for a couple of weeks now. Somehow, after watching the movie, I have some clarity on the answer.
For example, how far should you go to support someone who doesn’t reciprocate back?
I believe it comes from my feeling of self-worth, letting go, what I actually want from them and what makes me happy. The situation that I am in now on this particular matter convinced me of something. First, if it tramples the value of my self-worth, I’m not going to pursue it. How hard is it for me to let go and what keeps me holding onto it? Sometimes, it is probably expectation, insecurities and hopefulness.
The clarity that I get is, it is fine to support them in my own way. I’m not expecting anything in return, I learned that if I have the capacity to give, I will just give. The person doesn’t owe me anything. I’m doing things because it makes me happy. I am satisfied with it. If my way of support doesn’t give them any trouble or being too far, I’m going to keep on giving. Why? Simply because I can. It doesn’t need any reciprocation.
In short, if I have the ability and capacity to help and support the person that I admire and believe that they can benefit from it. They don’t owe anything to me because I do it for myself. I want to do it, and I can.
It is August and it is another post about my country, Malaysia. Since our last General Election late last year and the recent State Election, I can’t imagine how hard it is to be a working government. Not to get too political but I think we have to acknowledge how complicated the current situation is for the government. Why? We currently have a government that is led by a PM that has been in the opposition for the decades working together with the longest former government coalition. It has been close to 8 months since we have this new government and yet not everyone is willing to accept this fact. I guess some people need more time to swallow the truth.
On the other hand, we have the opposition that I personally don’t feel safe with be it to perform the check and balance for the government’s administration and to spearhead the alternative direction for the country’s future. I’m not saying I am an expert; I’m saying this based on my capacity as a citizen in Malaysia.
Why I said this? In case anyone had forgotten, the current opposition was also in the government during our toughest time in 2020 – 2022. If you are a Malaysian and you don’t face any difficulties and hardship during this period, good for you. For some, we struggled financially, mentally, and getting our basic necessities met. I used up all my savings to survive, lost family members, some of us being scoffed at because we raised our white flag, some of us were called a liar because we have to climb up a tree to take our online test, and I still remember when all of us are staying at home, these so-called leaders happily breaking the rules to play golf for a so-called charity event. We were burning candles counting time to die out.
What I despise the most is the lack of empathy towards struggling people like me. I can’t help to see how these people are living in a different reality from me. Not to mention that some are using race and religion cards to spread hate and misinformation. I am sick and tired of seeing such political games.
Why I’m not biting on such fear mongering tactics?
Before I diverted too much from my main thoughts for this post, I just wanted to share this demographic information that is available from the government’s Department of Statistics that anyone can access through their portal here.
According to the latest statistics, for the second quarter of 2023, the population of Malaysia is around 33.4 million. Based on ethnicities, 17.6 million are Malay (57.9%), 6.9 million are Chinese (22.6%), 3.7 million are Other Bumiputera (12.2%), 2 million are Indian (6.6%), and 0.2 million are others (0.7%).
Based on the above, if you are a Malay and you feel threatened by the lies about how other races are going to steal your rights, I happily assume that you are an insecure prick and probably too comfortable living in your own world. In reality, everyone is having a hard time and what makes it different is in how you work to build yourself. Definitely not based on your insecurities and chased by your own shadow of fear.
And don’t start comparing us with Singapore if you haven’t seen their statistics as well. And Indonesia too. We all have different circumstances.
The Malaysia I want to see and live in
I always see Malaysia as a unique country with a lot to offer. Simply because its diversity and the openness that we Malaysians have. However, the reasons that always smeared our faces are the greedy politicians, corruption, and bad governance. I truly believe we are heading in the right direction but it is a long shot with this new government. We saw how many scandals unearthed from the previous governments but it feels like it will take a long time to see how it will resolve. So far, there are issues that have been resolved like food supply and prices for controlled items. New economic initiatives that are impactful and the effects can be seen. Such matters should be applauded and given credit.
I want to live in a Malaysia where I don’t have to feel judged based on my ethnicities. I think I’ve said this many times in my previous thoughts related to Malaysia. How long should I wait until I see a more harmonious and understanding Malaysia? Why our decades of education still unable to heal the trauma given by the colonizers? Why is it so hard to see the so-called leaders focus the country’s growth rather than thinking on how to fill their own pocket? Where are the virtues learned?
I hope in 10 years, we will see a more capable future generation that is not born by the cast of old archaic mindset. I hope politicians will set a mindset ‘working for the people’ and not ‘I’m in a higher position to bargain’.
I feel that I have so many things to say but I should stop here.
If you are a Malaysian or living in Malaysia, what would be your twenty-cent?
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