Me: I hate the wedding because it's making us grow up :(
Nick: We're not growing up, we're just getting a bigger treehouse.

<3 I love him so much!

I'm extremely unmotivated. I'm not sure what's wrong.

For the past several months, I've been waiting and waiting for Nick to get a better shift so I could start going to bed earlier (we would talk on his way home from work). He now works 9-6 and I haven't gone to bed early even once. In fact, I'm consistently staying up later than I did when he was working later.

I don't know why I'm being so irresponsible. I'm going to bed late and sleeping in every frigging day, after so looking forward to being an early-to-bed-early-to-rise person. I feel kind of like I'm watching myself on TV, getting bored with the show but too lazy to change the channel. Y'know?

I think partially it's because since I'm working part time, I don't have to be at work at any given time. But still, it's irresponsible to come in at any hour I want. (Like 11 most days.) And if I'm at work by myself, I CANNOT bring myself to work on work for very long at all. (I'm not billing for that time, by the way.)

I wonder if I should go back to therapy. I feel good about my life, I just wonder why I'm so unmotivated to work... Could be a vitamin deficiency or lack of exercise making my lazy, I suppose. But how would that explain the late nights?

It could also be that I'm completely lost on what to do with my life. I've applied for a lot of jobs and am even getting calls back, but I don't know what I really want to do, other than get married and make dinner. Except I'm not ready to be a stay at home wife. Also even if I wanted to, we can't financially survive that way. *le sigh* I do want to work, I'm just... stuck.

I'm at such a loss because I don't feel depressed; I actually feel great about my life. But I'm so unmotivated, even with plenty of things to do. And there's plenty I'm behind on, like frigging wedding invitations, so why haven't I gotten them done? I feel busy, yet lazy. How messed up is that?

so yesterday nick and i went to "a book and a beer" at the stone brewery in escondido and listened to wil wheaton read while we drank beer, then went to a live rifftrax of the matrix reloaded. mike nelson and kevin murphy introduced it, wil wheaton gave away a burrito, then we all watched the movie with rifftrax. it was awesome.

when i move to oceanside, i'm totally going there all the time. the stone beers are sooo goood! Numbskull is my new favorite. and the duck burritos were awesome (& so was the mac & cheese). the brewery grounds are great, too. there's a restaurant, outdoor bar, and this big grass area where they play the movies, so you bring your own lawn chair (or blankets, like we did) and reserve a spot.

If only it were closer, I think my friends would love it... I guess restaurants in the middle of nowhere (i.e., Queens Creek) have a corner on the cool market. Unfortunately, they're in the middle of nowhere. Escondido isn't that far away, but I'm still not going to deal with the traffic just for that. Maybe for something special, like Wil Wheaton and Mike Nelson :) Or when I live closer. It's close to my condo, if we ever get to live there.

AH, well... it was a great adventure in nerdiness :)

I never thought that people got old this young. When did our parents start having their lame old-people problems like bad backs and knees and such? When did they start living in lethargy? I can't believe it's my time yet! Although, I'm starting to feel like a lame working stiff. This is unacceptable! What the hell?!

I know if I exercised and got enough sleep, I'd feel sooo much better, but I keep on giving old lady excuses, like "it's late when I get home from work; there's so much else to do; i'm tired."

I'm definitely not complaining about hanging out with Nick, but I have this theory that if we came home to each other at night, we would have more time because we wouldn't have to spend each afternoon at each other's house doing something; we could actually go do other things that we wanted to, but still spend life together. It's not that I'm tied down and HAVE to go to his place after work, but it just feels wrong not to see him sometime during the day. So what am I supposed to do?

I also see myself getting pulled into this trap of the steady paycheck. Theoretically, I'm starting a part-time business, but how long has it been since I've worked on it? I don't feel like getting back on the computer when I come home from work. So I don't start the business. And I don't look for freelance work for the same reason. Too tired. Too sick of working when the grind is over that day. Ugh.

I'm trying to resist becoming another docile member of the American public, but I get too tired to resist what's easy; it's becoming easier and easier. AH! What's happening to me?

How long has it been since I've painted or jammed by myself? Or done anything creative just to be creative? Or even done something smart, like read the paper? I sit and I eat and I watch the news, like an idiot. And I claim fatigue (well, I am fatigued) and don't exercise.

Sometimes I feel like a suit, but I'm not quite. I'm not that motivated. Just tired. The daily grind is the easy way out- but out of what? Won't I be happier on the outside?

I have to get back outside! Now!

-A

OK, Jenny had Zoe last year and that doesn't count as pregnant, but why is everyone suddenly having babies?

it's not catching, is it? :-O

what an idiot i am! letting fear stop me. i'm not paralyzed. this is a choice.

screw the establishment; i'm going to be happy damnit. i'm going to change the world!

i am out of money because i put too much away in savings last month.

i even just cancelled my guitar lesson tomorrow because i can't afford it (he only takes cash or check. i'm trying to still limit my credit card spending or i'll be in this mess again next time).

so, i'm in a dilemma. do i take money out of savings, although there is so little in there to begin with? or do i live on credit for the next two weeks and tightly for the two to four weeks following?

rarrrgh. i have never been in this situation (mostly because i never saved before, just let my plastic run amok).

mmph. i have to go balance my checkbook. maybe i missed a paycheck... not bloody likely :(

i can't concentrate. I have work to do, yet here I am. (maybe I can blame this one on the Robitussin?) I look at my list and my emails and I just think "I can do that in the morning," even though some of the tasks are overdue. And why would I get stuff done tomorrow when I didn't do it today.

rargh.

i loved the rain. it made me feel so warm and squishy and like curling up with cocoa.

i mean, sunshine is nice and all, but rain is so cozy. silly summer-lovers. maybe i'll move to seattle. in a few years... mmph.

i feel as though my head might explode with just one false move.

ouuuch!

What is St. John's Wort normally used for? I read today that it is as effective at combating depression as some prescription antidepressants- crazy! Although it also has drug interactions- I forget if it's my birth control pill or my antibiotics, or some other drug I've taken, but I remember reading that it was bad to take St John's Wort at the same time... not that I need antidepressants anyway, but I'm really, really surprised that studies were even done about this. How exciting!

I'm totally nerding out. Dude.