wise.dreamer

Nick said the most beautiful thing to me yesterday

wisedreamer — Fri, 29 Oct 2010 02:03:32 GMT

Me: I hate the wedding because it's making us grow up :(
Nick: We're not growing up, we're just getting a bigger treehouse.

<3 I love him so much!

unmotivation (or, i suck at life)

wisedreamer — Wed, 06 Oct 2010 21:46:47 GMT

I'm extremely unmotivated. I'm not sure what's wrong.

For the past several months, I've been waiting and waiting for Nick to get a better shift so I could start going to bed earlier (we would talk on his way home from work). He now works 9-6 and I haven't gone to bed early even once. In fact, I'm consistently staying up later than I did when he was working later.

I don't know why I'm being so irresponsible. I'm going to bed late and sleeping in every frigging day, after so looking forward to being an early-to-bed-early-to-rise person. I feel kind of like I'm watching myself on TV, getting bored with the show but too lazy to change the channel. Y'know?

I think partially it's because since I'm working part time, I don't have to be at work at any given time. But still, it's irresponsible to come in at any hour I want. (Like 11 most days.) And if I'm at work by myself, I CANNOT bring myself to work on work for very long at all. (I'm not billing for that time, by the way.)

I wonder if I should go back to therapy. I feel good about my life, I just wonder why I'm so unmotivated to work... Could be a vitamin deficiency or lack of exercise making my lazy, I suppose. But how would that explain the late nights?

It could also be that I'm completely lost on what to do with my life. I've applied for a lot of jobs and am even getting calls back, but I don't know what I really want to do, other than get married and make dinner. Except I'm not ready to be a stay at home wife. Also even if I wanted to, we can't financially survive that way. *le sigh* I do want to work, I'm just... stuck.

I'm at such a loss because I don't feel depressed; I actually feel great about my life. But I'm so unmotivated, even with plenty of things to do. And there's plenty I'm behind on, like frigging wedding invitations, so why haven't I gotten them done? I feel busy, yet lazy. How messed up is that?

it's a bird-it's a nerd!

wisedreamer — Fri, 24 Jul 2009 18:32:23 GMT

so yesterday nick and i went to "a book and a beer" at the stone brewery in escondido and listened to wil wheaton read while we drank beer, then went to a live rifftrax of the matrix reloaded. mike nelson and kevin murphy introduced it, wil wheaton gave away a burrito, then we all watched the movie with rifftrax. it was awesome.

when i move to oceanside, i'm totally going there all the time. the stone beers are sooo goood! Numbskull is my new favorite. and the duck burritos were awesome (& so was the mac & cheese). the brewery grounds are great, too. there's a restaurant, outdoor bar, and this big grass area where they play the movies, so you bring your own lawn chair (or blankets, like we did) and reserve a spot.

If only it were closer, I think my friends would love it... I guess restaurants in the middle of nowhere (i.e., Queens Creek) have a corner on the cool market. Unfortunately, they're in the middle of nowhere. Escondido isn't that far away, but I'm still not going to deal with the traffic just for that. Maybe for something special, like Wil Wheaton and Mike Nelson :) Or when I live closer. It's close to my condo, if we ever get to live there.

AH, well... it was a great adventure in nerdiness :)

where does the time go?

wisedreamer — Tue, 02 Jun 2009 17:39:38 GMT

I never thought that people got old this young. When did our parents start having their lame old-people problems like bad backs and knees and such? When did they start living in lethargy? I can't believe it's my time yet! Although, I'm starting to feel like a lame working stiff. This is unacceptable! What the hell?!

I know if I exercised and got enough sleep, I'd feel sooo much better, but I keep on giving old lady excuses, like "it's late when I get home from work; there's so much else to do; i'm tired."

I'm definitely not complaining about hanging out with Nick, but I have this theory that if we came home to each other at night, we would have more time because we wouldn't have to spend each afternoon at each other's house doing something; we could actually go do other things that we wanted to, but still spend life together. It's not that I'm tied down and HAVE to go to his place after work, but it just feels wrong not to see him sometime during the day. So what am I supposed to do?

I also see myself getting pulled into this trap of the steady paycheck. Theoretically, I'm starting a part-time business, but how long has it been since I've worked on it? I don't feel like getting back on the computer when I come home from work. So I don't start the business. And I don't look for freelance work for the same reason. Too tired. Too sick of working when the grind is over that day. Ugh.

I'm trying to resist becoming another docile member of the American public, but I get too tired to resist what's easy; it's becoming easier and easier. AH! What's happening to me?

How long has it been since I've painted or jammed by myself? Or done anything creative just to be creative? Or even done something smart, like read the paper? I sit and I eat and I watch the news, like an idiot. And I claim fatigue (well, I am fatigued) and don't exercise.

Sometimes I feel like a suit, but I'm not quite. I'm not that motivated. Just tired. The daily grind is the easy way out- but out of what? Won't I be happier on the outside?

I have to get back outside! Now!

-A

why is everyone pregnant?

wisedreamer — Tue, 12 May 2009 22:35:50 GMT

OK, Jenny had Zoe last year and that doesn't count as pregnant, but why is everyone suddenly having babies?

it's not catching, is it? :-O

wisedreamer — Wed, 29 Apr 2009 21:24:06 GMT

what an idiot i am! letting fear stop me. i'm not paralyzed. this is a choice.

screw the establishment; i'm going to be happy damnit. i'm going to change the world!

wisedreamer — Thu, 19 Feb 2009 01:30:55 GMT

i am out of money because i put too much away in savings last month.

i even just cancelled my guitar lesson tomorrow because i can't afford it (he only takes cash or check. i'm trying to still limit my credit card spending or i'll be in this mess again next time).

so, i'm in a dilemma. do i take money out of savings, although there is so little in there to begin with? or do i live on credit for the next two weeks and tightly for the two to four weeks following?

rarrrgh. i have never been in this situation (mostly because i never saved before, just let my plastic run amok).

mmph. i have to go balance my checkbook. maybe i missed a paycheck... not bloody likely :(

this is just like every other entry...

wisedreamer — Tue, 10 Feb 2009 00:23:49 GMT

i can't concentrate. I have work to do, yet here I am. (maybe I can blame this one on the Robitussin?) I look at my list and my emails and I just think "I can do that in the morning," even though some of the tasks are overdue. And why would I get stuff done tomorrow when I didn't do it today.

rargh.

i loved the rain. it made me feel so warm and squishy and like curling up with cocoa.

i mean, sunshine is nice and all, but rain is so cozy. silly summer-lovers. maybe i'll move to seattle. in a few years... mmph.

sinus headaches suck

wisedreamer — Thu, 11 Dec 2008 22:45:28 GMT

i feel as though my head might explode with just one false move.

ouuuch!

wisedreamer — Wed, 19 Nov 2008 17:40:25 GMT

What is St. John's Wort normally used for? I read today that it is as effective at combating depression as some prescription antidepressants- crazy! Although it also has drug interactions- I forget if it's my birth control pill or my antibiotics, or some other drug I've taken, but I remember reading that it was bad to take St John's Wort at the same time... not that I need antidepressants anyway, but I'm really, really surprised that studies were even done about this. How exciting!

I'm totally nerding out. Dude.

wisedreamer — Tue, 04 Nov 2008 23:50:38 GMT

My therapist told me I should be a motivational speaker.

Does that seem ironic to anyone else?

everything i think about takes place in my own place...

wisedreamer — Tue, 04 Nov 2008 01:04:15 GMT

Going back to standard time always brings me down. I'm at work at 4:30 and it's already getting dark... I mean, today was a gloomy day (which is actually quite nice) so I'm sure it won't be like this everyday, after all it didn't get dark at 5:30 last week, but the days only get shorter and shorter until December 22nd...

MAYBE this year, I will be able to get up earlier because sunrise is earlier... for now... I suppose since the days are getting shorter, sunrise will start getting later... Hmm.

Standard Time just makes me feel more tired than I'd like, and thusly less motivated and productive... So much darkness! Harumph!

In other news, I might have to miss New Year's in CA this year, because my aunt is getting married on the 3rd and I may have to fly out to IL a few days beforehand. While I was looking forward to spending the holiday with friends, Aunt Barb is totally worth it. And I can still have an "I missed New Year's" party, right? If only I had a place to have a party... More Harumph!

Everything I think about lately takes place in my own place... I think I am infatuated.

you mean not everyone works 9-5 in OC?

wisedreamer — Thu, 02 Oct 2008 13:58:58 GMT

So i had to come into the office for 6am today, and i am positively astounded at the number of people on the road and at work before 6 in the morning! Holy cow! What are all those people doing? Where are they going? I expect people to be driving to the airport only at that time... crikey.
the coffee bean doesn't even open until 6!

...i think... i've never actually needed to know, because i would never, ever need to...

crikey!

a study of caffeine addicts in their natural habitat

wisedreamer — Thu, 11 Sep 2008 17:10:43 GMT

I observed some very interesting behavior this morning. I found it quite amusing. I was 2nd in line to make my left turn into the Foothill Town Center (that new one, with the Bean and the Kabob House and such- maybe it's called something else?) lot this morning, and there was someone opposite us turning right into the same lot. There are lots of breakfast places in the same center, but we all took different routes through the parking lot- and we all parked in front of the Coffee Bean and basically raced each other in. I think it's funny that we all had very definite strategies to navigate the parking lot; I choose the path of least resistance- By going one aisle down and then right, I avoid all the speedbumps. But the right-turner goes all the way down, then straight to the Bean. She got there before me. And so did the first left-turner; he went straight from the driveway, then all the way down.

I still didn't have to wait for my pumpkin latte and granola bowl. [Don't judge me! I had a gift card!] But I was quite entertained with my accidental study.

The pumpkin lattes are good! Almost on par with Diedrich's, although I miss the old Diedrich's pumpkin lattes so! They were positively orgasmic! And they had pumpkin scones as well! MMMMMMmmmmmmmm! Thinking about just sitting there forever, curling up with a book ... makes me all wispy-eyed...

OH DIEDRICH'S! HOW I MISS YOU!

But I do love the Coffee Bean...

wisedreamer — Tue, 15 Jul 2008 23:52:32 GMT

Hawaii was so amazing; I can't remember EVER relaxing more.

Mindy's wedding was absolutely beautiful. It was nice and warm on the beach, the sun was setting... AH, L'AMOUR! It's so weird to say "her husband," though! But I'm very happy for her. Mindy and Dustin are awesome together. And they were very fun to hang out with.

Getting back to work is hard, and it's a little crazy around here at the moment. I did, however, manage to avoid the usual post-vacation depression and stay positive about life.

Life is getting to me a little bit now, though. Yesterday I was thinking, "Okay, Monday is over- What next?" And started getting overwhelmed with all the things going on this week, which actually are going to happen EVERY week until further notice. I have something every weeknight. Which would be okay if I were coming HOME instead of to my house... ya know?

At least I don't have work this Saturday, though- Lou and Kristi's wedding! Yay!

I'll have to say "his wife!" AAAAHH!

Oh, and good news- no cavities! :-D

wisedreamer — Fri, 16 May 2008 15:16:42 GMT

MEATLOAF IS SO GOOD!
(no, I'm not high while I eat; i'm LISTENING to him!)

wisedreamer — Tue, 13 May 2008 05:02:38 GMT

Graduation on Saturday. I feel very strange about it. Not being in school won't be a huge change, because I'm already working full time. It's not like I loved college and don't want it to stop.

I guess I thought I would be smarter coming out of college, and I don't feel like I've learned that much.
I feel like I should know more about history and the world.
Or like I should be able to do something- maybe I should have stuck with Graphic Design. The subject made me happy, but the schedule killed. I'm much happier getting sleep instead...

I still have a thirst for knowledge. But I'm already planning on taking classes to learn about their subjects.

I guess it's weird that I won't have to worry about my GPA anymore. Also, that even though I'll be graduated, my life isn't going to change at all; I'll still be working for The Pond, living at home.

I won't be procrastinating toward a faraway goal set by my parents. My life is mine... though I am living it at my parents' house.

I love my job, but otherwise my life is sort of in limbo. Which is a silly attitude for me to have, I know. Life isn't suspended. Just in-between.

But all of this stuff doesn't really have to do with the ceremony on Saturday, because I'm already done. I'm already working. "Graduation" isn't changing anything. Maybe that's the weird part.

I'm also not comfortable in front of people. And there's another weird joint-custody situation, because Nick is walking also, and having a family-party-thing that I'm going to, before he comes back to my house for my family thing with my parents, brother, granparents, and aunt.

I'm torn between wearing a bikini or a dress to graduation. It would be awesome to wear a bikini, no? My family would probably not appreciate it. But... so awesome! And it will be hot... and I will have my gown on. And I don't even want to walk, so why not make this my compromise?

There are many ways to talk myself out of it. For example, not so sure I'd look good in the bikini. But I'd still be wearing it! Don't want to look like a ho either. Hmm.

Obviously, I would have to change before Nick's party. I think it would be awkward walking around Orange Hill like that. Talking to Nick's grandma. LMAO.

wisedreamer — Tue, 22 Apr 2008 03:39:35 GMT

wowwww, the lidocaine is stronger when you leave it in longer.
i got ALMOST my whole tonsil this time.

wisedreamer — Mon, 21 Apr 2008 22:31:52 GMT

Went to Urgent Care this time, as the doctor who told me to see her on Monday doesn't work Mondays. They said since the antibiotic isn't helping, it's a virus. They told me to stop taking it, and that I could take advil for the swelling and fever, mucinex (which is just guafenesin, but we didn't know that before my mom bought it. yeah, my mommy drove me to the doctor this time) and prescribed some lidocaine to gargle for the pain. I was excited. So I tried to gargle with it, but it turns out the stuff is thicker than honey, and I think i gagged after about 5 seconds instead of gargling for 30. my tongue is numb, and i think it may have helped a bit with the tonsils; i'm not in as much pain as before, but i'm also on 3 advil because the doctor said i should take that many for a prescription strength. lucky my liver is healthy...
i might try to find a syringe for my next dose in 4 hours so that i get it straight on the tonsil.
maaan, they are ugly.
oh, i still don't have strep and i also don't have mono.
and i can't get a tonsillectomy unless i have this 5 times in one year. darn. not that i want surgery; it would just be so convenient to not be at risk for this again.

on an unrelated rant, i bought some really cute "sterile" bandages the other day (sushi!), but i was putting one on yesterday, and they are definitely not sterile. i don't think i'm going to buy chinese bandaids again. i don't know what the black powder was, but it didn't belong there, and with mercury and lead out there... i'm just not putting it on my body. even if it's not mercury or lead, it's still gross. and i will not believe "sterile" from china again.

wish me better so i stop ranting here all the time!

tonsilitis is the devil

wisedreamer — Sun, 20 Apr 2008 19:54:54 GMT

i've been on antibiotics for over 48 hours, and i should be feeling better.
nope.
it still hurts all the time, but more to swallow. i have no idea if the fevers are gone, because i've been on a constant stream of advil to keep the swelling down. which doesn't help much, AND only lasts about two hours, but i can only take advil every 4.
my side also hurts from having to sleep on it all night long.
and i'm really, really hungry. my waffle this morning was painful, but necessary because my digestive tract is going crazy with the antibiotics and lack of solid food. All I have eaten is soft, cold stuff. ice cream, string cheese, cottage cheese, rice pudding, cold cuts, and COLD eggs.

I HATE THISSSS.

So I'm going to miss work tomorrow again to go to the doctor, probably to wait 48 more hours to see if something else works. I was optimistic about the amoxicillin, but then again they had to up nick's dosage of LEVAQUIN because it wasn't working. shiiiitt. (Nick is feeling great, though. He's pretty much all better.)

I was fine last night, because I knew it might take up to 48 hours to feel better. But now that those hours have come & gone, I'm really upset. NOTHING helps. Not advil, not sudafed, not claritin, not taking all my vitamins, not antibiotics. I do NOT feel better. not even a little. (except of course, fevers aren't making me hallucinate anymore- which could be the antibiotics or the advil, i don't know.)

My dad is being an asshole, too. He won't let me take claritin, sudafed, and advil at once because he says it will "fuck you up, bad." Oh, really? That's actually a normal combination for me because of my damn allergies. And I don't get fucked up on it. but whatever. like i said, nothing is helping anyway. i guess it's no great loss.

tonsilitis is by far the worst ailment i have ever had.

wisedreamer — Fri, 18 Apr 2008 19:52:32 GMT

I have tonsilitis.
It suuuuuccckks! I've never had it before... I always find I'm relieved when I get congested with a cold, because it means my glands won't be swollen anymore. But not in this case. AAUGH!

I did get amoxicillin, though. So I should be better in 48 hours. Unless the amoxicillin gives me a rash- then, it means I have mono.

yayyy.

On the bright side...
I read an entire book yesterday. I was really excited to find it. It's called the mysterious edge of the heroic world by e.l. konigsburg, the same author that wrote The Mixed-Up Files of Mrs. Basil E. Frankweiler, which I loved as a kid. The book was pretty cool, and author is even cooler! I found out she wrote TMUFOMBEF and another book in 1968 (the only person ever to win a Newbery award and Newbery honor in one year, according to the back), then The View from Saturday in like '77, and this new one just came out in September.

The character in this new book is Mrs. Zender, so I have this theory that e.l. konigsburg is my dad and katie's high school english teacher, Ms. Zender. She just retired, so she's had time recently to write a new book, right?

A long shot, but I like to be in on things.

Weird- when I was a kid, I always wanted mono so that I'd have an excuse to stay home and lots of time to read. I'd still like to read, but I really, really hope I don't have mono. I like my job, and it would suck to stay home for that long! I also didn't know that you had a sore throat with mono. But apparently, you do. Yuck.

I wonder if Nick got pneumonia because he doesn't have tonsils, and the germs just went straight down. Hmm.

wisedreamer — Thu, 17 Apr 2008 22:13:16 GMT

nick has pneumonia.
i'm trying not to get it, but i do have a flu-ish thing today. stayed home from work so i don't get jenny and the terminator (her unborn child) sick.
have a doctor's appointment at 9:30 tomorrow just in case i get worse like nick did.
he was fine on saturday, then got really tired that night, spiked a fever on sunday, doctor on monday told him he had pneumonia, they upped his antibiotic dosage yesterday, and now his fever has finally gone down, but he has a bad cough and cold.
probably we will not babysit saturday night like we were supposed to. boo. i hope he gets all the way better this time. he's had a weird cough forEVER but coughs too often to even notice it anymore, so he doesn't see the doctor about it. (MEN!) (that's the only time i've ever been able to say that!)

anyway, that's how sick i DON'T want to get if i can help it. the antibiotics he's taking scare the crap out of me. levaquin is serious stuff. you can even join a class action lawsuit; i saw it on tv!

being sick is depressing because all i've done is check myspace and facebook and and update AIM and let the computer suck the life out of me.

i think i'm going to go read...

happiness is

wisedreamer — Thu, 10 Apr 2008 05:53:52 GMT

also, calling him my lover:)

that was quick

wisedreamer — Wed, 26 Mar 2008 06:40:01 GMT

so i was lying in bed thinking about it and i'm definitely not paying for the gym.
i have two weeks to deauthorize the debit; i'll take a few spin classes and be on my merry way.

it's hard enough making it without adding this to the juggle, beside the fact that i didn't intend to join the freaking gym in the first place.

so there.

it's my fault

wisedreamer — Wed, 26 Mar 2008 06:17:17 GMT

i was doing ok with money, as in controlling myself and not spending it.

i can even almost pay my dad back for my taxes!

so today i bought two t-shirts from threadless because i got paid on friday and i was feelin' good. it was a great deal, only $22. not much, right? for two whole shirts!

so after work i went to the gym because i have a free 30-day pass. well, had. i screwed myself out of 30 free days, but i locked in a low rate for membership... yeah, i was not planning on actually joining the gym. it's a great deal... but i'm not sure i can afford it.

especially since yesterday i was all gung-ho on starting a savings account.

if i quit netflix, that almost makes up for the gym. but dvds are so much better than sweating:(

oh, and i have to call my car insurance tomorrow to find out if i need to go to traffic school because i got a ticket last week. so i will be spending more on insurance unless i pay for traffic school- on top of my ticket.

good going, amber. the spinning classes better be worth it.

ps- i am also almost out of shampoo, conditioner, body wash, and toothpaste. and i need a haircut and a new prescription for my eyes, which entails new glasses and contacts.

I AM AN IDIOT!
AAAAAAAAAHHHHH!