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| 12:30am 15/08/2006 |
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I'm afraid you think I am more naive and less informed than I actually am. My grandparents had the same phone number for over twenty years. My mother didn't marry until I was six. "Not that I ever hurt anyone or anything like that"? I've heard the stories of the Valentines Day after my birthday, which is one of the reasons why my grandparents didn't let my mother see you. I was told that your number changed as well, and I know that to this day your phone number is unlisted. I find it hard not to take a negative tone when I feel as though I am being misled. I also can't help but noticing the paradox in attempting to stop a cycle you continue to carry on. Yes, your boys are young. I understand how impressionable and fragile young children are. I was one. However, I feel as though you are using them as an excuse to keep me as a secret. Don't you think it is also important for them to have relationships with all of their family? They are my half brothers, of the same relation to me as my little brother and baby sister at home, and that cannot be changed. I don't even know their names, and they don't even know I exist. Am I less deserving of acknowlegement because I am older and have been ignored for years? Does my age and family make it alright to be continually pushed away? You don't even take a genuine interest in my wellbeing. You don't ask how things are going or what classes I'm taking or what my jobs are like. You don't even write to me unless I write to you first. I wasn't wanting to be invited over for dinner, or for you to attend my art openings, I was merely hoping for you to take a real interest and concern for me. But maybe that was hoping for too much. |
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| 09:49pm 12/06/2006 |
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This evening he proposed to me by the fountain in West Side Park.
I said yes. |
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3 shooting stars ¬ Post |
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| 01:43pm 09/06/2006 |
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mood:  contemplative
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Zane bought a ring. I'm not supposed to know. |
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| 06:55pm 26/03/2006 |
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My art is changing again. |
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| 04:00am 13/03/2006 |
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I'm becoming increasingly sarcastic as of late.
Tornado sirens are badass.
Decatur is lame.
That is an understatement.
I am Jack's inflamed ulcer.
The end. |
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| 10:34pm 26/01/2006 |
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He makes me feel like my lungs are expanding at a rate my chest cannot contain.
love,
sierra |
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3 shooting stars ¬ Post |
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| 11:21pm 18/01/2006 |
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Yesterday I tried on Lizzy's jeans. They fit splendidly.
Katie had not seen me over break and didn't recognize me at the coffee shop today.
This morning I found the pants I wore on move-in day, and I laughed.
Thirty pounds since the beginning of last semester.
Apparently I'm getting skinny.
HOLY SHIT!
love,
sierra |
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| 02:25am 11/01/2006 |
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"Tuesday, August 16, 2005
SOMEDAY. Someday I will find a boy who writes me poems and leaves me flowers. I will paint him pictures and we will read books together, sitting in coffee shops and talking without words.
Basically, I want to date the personification of Eeyore.
It will happen."
So he paints me pictures and makes me tiny sculptures. I make him little collages for him to find in his pockets, and I sew him cute things. He shows me art books, and Millikin's coffee house suffices. I can hear him through his eyes, and I love him more than he can know.
I'm happy.
love,
sierra |
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| 12:05pm 03/01/2006 |
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So I had this dream last night that I was at a beach during a hurricane and Marilyn Manson was coming to demonstrate that God didn't exist or something, and I was thinking "Yes! I've always wanted to have intellectual conversation with that man!"
But then my little brother woke me up because he wanted toaster strudel, and I was extremely disappointed.
love,
sierra |
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| 10:11pm 24/12/2005 |
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Advanced Global Personality Test Results | Take Free Advanced Global Personality Testpersonality tests by similarminds.comtrait snapshot: craves attention, messy, open, rash, irritable, likes large parties, low self control, weird, fragile, does not like to be alone, emotionally sensitive, worrying, depressed, heart over mind, does not respect authority, dependent, not rule conscious, not good at saving money, more interested in relationships than intellectual pursuits, likes to fit in, very social, frequently second guesses self, phobic, suspicious, not careful, outgoing, vain, compassionate, aggressive, likes to make fun, hates to lose |
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| 10:34am 15/12/2005 |
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All this wishing I was dead is getting old.
I could be so much more than this.
I need to leave.
But I need the nerve.
I need to start living again.
Reassign the control of my life to the only one who deserves it. And I dont' mean me.
I need You to tell me what I need, because I obviously don't know what the fuck I'm doing. And I need You to tell me very loudly and very clearly because I have a very bad habit of not listening.
God help me. |
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| 06:19pm 12/12/2005 |
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 Dear Santa...
Dear Santa,
This year I've been busy!
In January I set  sexyfaery's puppy on fire (-66 points). Last week I helped xfamicomx across the street (6 points). Last Monday I bought porn for ggraham (10 points). In April I had a shoot-out with rival gang lords on the 5 near LA (-76 points). Last month ____malice and I donated clothes to the needy (11 points).
Overall, I've been naughty (-115 points). For Christmas I deserve a lump of coal!
Sincerely,
___severance |
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1 shooting star ¬ Post |
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| 12:40am 04/12/2005 |
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"And we don't say everything that we could, so that later we can say "Oh you misunderstood." |
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| 08:41pm 01/12/2005 |
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Today was a good day. Yes.
Snowball fight on Shilling Lawn.
Casualties were staggering.
Consider yourself owned. |
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2 shooting stars ¬ Post |
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| 04:09pm 30/11/2005 |
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I used to be happy on my own. Now I don't even think I really know what that means.
All I know is that I only feel good when I'm around you.
It's vicious.
Please show me someone real. |
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1 shooting star ¬ Post |
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| 11:19am 22/11/2005 |
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I want somebody who sees the pointlessness
and still keeps their purpose in mind
I want somebody who has a tortured soul
some of the time
I want somebody who will either put out for me
or put me out of misery
or maybe just put it all to words
and make me say, "you know"
I never heard it put that way
make me say, what did you just say?
I want somebody who can hold my interest
hold it and never let it fall
someone who can flatten me with a kiss
that hits like a fist
or a sentence, that stops me like a brick wall
because if you hear me talking
listen to what I'm not saying
if you hear me playing guitar
listen to what I'm not playing
and don't ask me to put words
to all the silences i know.
and don't ask me to put words
to all the spaces between notes
in fact if you have to ask, forget it
do and you'll regret it
I'm tired of being the interesting one
I'm tired of heving fun for two
just lay yourself on the line
and I might lay myself down by you
but don't sit behind your eyes
and wait for me to surprise you
I want somebody who can make me
scream until it's funny
give me a run for my money
I want someone who can
twist me up in knots
tell me, "for the woman who has everything
what have you got?"
I want someone who's not afraid of me
or anyone else
in other words I want someone
who's not afraid of themself
do you think I'm asking too much? |
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| 05:10pm 16/11/2005 |
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I'm not exactly sure what I should say
Everything I do is a mistake
*Your attention is attention* (It doesn't matter if it's fake or real)
I'll take it if I get it, oh
I've made up my mind
***I'll do it over any time***
You're over it, over me
Present just physically
The last words from the dying scene
You're over me
You're over me
I really need to hear how great I am
Cause I can't even get up out of bed
Now say it like you mean it (Doesn't matter how I really feel)
Sing it back softly, oh
You got to be strong and I've been empty oh so long
You're over it, over me
Present just physically
The last words from the dying scene
You're over me
The old days all went bad
Rotted, wilted black
Before you'd have a chance to call I'll be on the next train home
Add it to the endless list of all the things we'll never ever know
You're over it, over me
Present just physically
The last words from the dying scene
You're over me You're over me You're over me |
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| 11:02pm 14/11/2005 |
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So I had something incredible waiting for me in my email this morning.
From my mother.
I hope you know how much I love you. I haven't always been the best mom in
the world but I have always loved you. It's not easy for me to admit I'm
wrong or learn from my mistakes but I have been trying harder in my
relationship with you. I hope you can see that. I didn't realize how much I
would miss you until you were actually away at school.
You are my first born and with all of the good that comes with that position
comes the bad such as having a young mom who didn't know what she was doing
at times. I want you to live life to the fullest and explore all of your
hopes and dreams. You are one of the greatest accomplishments in my life
and I wouldn't be where I am today if I didn't have you. I am very proud of
you and all that you are.
Please forgive me for the mistakes I have made in the past. I don't want
anything or anyone to come between us. I want to do everything I can to
make our relationship better and stronger. Please help me in that aspect.
I love you very much.
This is the first time she's ever admitted to being wrong to me.
"If they ask you for the sign of the Father then you tell them it's movement, movement, movement (of hope)!"
love,
sierra |
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2 shooting stars ¬ Post |
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| waste of my life, waste of my life |
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| 08:59pm 13/11/2005 |
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My apologies, dears.
1. ONE OF YOUR SCARS, HOW DID YOU GET IT?
ten stitches in my stomach from appendicitis
2. WHAT IS ON THE WALLS IN YOUR ROOM?
covered with pictures, ticket stubs, posters, and art
3. WHAT DOES YOUR CELL PHONE LOOK LIKE?
Dale.
4. WHAT MUSIC DO YOU LIKE TO LISTEN TO?
mewithoutYou, Madeline Adams, Blood Brothers, Ani.
5. DO YOU KNOW WHAT TIME YOU WERE BORN?
in the middle of the night.
6. WHAT DO YOU WANT MORE THAN ANYTHING RIGHT NOW?
to be in love.
7. WHAT DO YOU MISS AT TIMES?
Downtown Champaign. My brother and sister. My maama and pampa.
8. WHAT IS YOUR MOST PRIZED POSSESSION?
Barbara
9. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE SMELL?
Coconut.
10. DO YOU GET CLAUSTROPHOBIC?
If I'm being touched.
11. IF YOU DIED TOMORROW:
Someone had better look out for my brother and sister for me.
12. THE LAST PERSON WHO MADE YOU CRY?
Zane.
13. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE COLOGNE / PERFUME?
I can't really smell much because I broke my nose when I was really little.
14. WHAT KIND OF HAIR DO YOU LIKE ON THE OPPOSITE SEX?
longer. and pretty
15. WHERE CAN YOU SEE YOURSELF BEING PROPOSED TO AT?
In a fancy restaurant. In an art museum. At a concert. On the lake in central park. Underneath the Eiffel tower. Ok, so the thought's crossed my mind a few times.
16: DO YOU LIKE PORN?
It rapes the mind.
17. WHO IS THE LAST PERSON YOU MADE MAD?
probably zane
20. DO YOU SPEAK A DIFFERENT LANGUAGE?
No.
21. WHAT WAS THE FIRST GIFT SOMEONE EVER GAVE YOU?
Who the hell can remember that?
28. WOULD YOU FALL IN LOVE KNOWING THAT THE PERSON IS LEAVING?
I don't think I'd get a choice in the matter. Believe me, I wish I could.
29. WHAT IS THE BEST WAY TO TELL SOMEONE HOW MUCH THEY MEAN TO YOU?
Face to face.
30. SAY A NUMBER FROM ONE TO A HUNDRED:
Um, no.
31. BLONDES, REDHEADS OR BRUNETTES?
Yes.
32. WHAT IS ONE NUMBER YOU CALL OFTEN?
Zane
39. WHAT WERE YOU DOING BEFORE YOU FILLED OUT THIS SURVEY?
Eating dinner.
40. IF YOU COULD GET PLASTIC SURGERY, WHAT WOULD IT BE?
I don't think I could actually go through with it.
41. WHY DID U FILL OUT THIS SURVEY?
To procrastinate.
42. WHAT DO YOU LIKE ON YOUR PIZZA?
Pepperoni or BBQ chicken.
43. WHAT WOULD YOU DO IF ALCOHOL BECAME ILLEGAL?
Um, survive. Easily.
44. WHAT DO YOU WANT FOR YOUR BIRTHDAY?
Someone to surprise me.
45. WHAT WOULD YOU DO IF IT SUDDENLY STARTED RAINING BLOOD?
Pray. And stay inside.
46. WERE YOU NAMED AFTER ANYONE?
A dog and a soap opera actress
47. DO YOU WISH ON STARS?
When they're shooting.
48. FAVORITE FINGER?
Middle
49. THE LAST TIME YOU CRIED?
When I couldn't decide what to do with my father's email address.
50. DO YOU LIKE YOUR HANDWRITING?
Very much so.
51. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE LUNCH MEAT?
Chicken.
52. ANY BAD HABITS?
Procrastinating. Biting my nails. Being late.
53. WHAT IS YOUR MOST EMBARRASSING CD ON THE SHELF?
I don't really have any cds. But femme fatality makes me feel a little ridiculous.
54. IF YOU WERE ANOTHER PERSON, WOULD YOU BE FRIENDS WITH YOU?
I'd like to hope so.
55. HAVE YOU EVER TOLD A SECRET YOU SWORE NOT TO TELL?
Who hasn't?
56. DO LOOKS MATTER?
I wish I could say no, but I love pretty boys.
57. HOW DO YOU RELEASE ANGER?
Throw rocks. Drive too fast. Scream. Cry.
58. WHERE IS YOUR SECOND HOME?
I have manymany homes.
59. DO YOU TRUST OTHERS EASILY?
not at all
60. WHAT WAS YOUR FAVORITE TOY AS A CHILD?
my "computer"
61. WHAT CLASS IN SCHOOL DO YOU THINK IS TOTALLY USELESS?
Russia
62. DO YOU HAVE A JOURNAL?
Many.
63. DO YOU USE SARCASM?
NO! Me? Never!
64. HAVE YOU EVER BEEN IN A MOSH PIT?
Yeah. Not a big fan.
65. WHAT DO YOU LOOK FOR IN A GUY?
honesty. sincerity. selflessness. creativity.
66. WHAT ARE YOUR NICKNAMES?
Sierra Sue
67. Would you bungee jump?
Probably, after a lot of convincing and a big push
68. Do you untie your shoelaces when you take off your shoes?
not many of my shoes have laces
69. DO YOU THINK THAT YOU HAVE STRONG POINTS?
Everyone does.
70. WHAT'S YOUR FAVORITE ICE CREAM FLAVOR?
cookie dough
71. What is your shoe size?
10
72. WHAT ARE YOUR FAVORITE COLORS?
bright light yellow
74. WHO DO YOU MISS MOST RIGHT NOW?
My brother
75. DO YOU WANT EVERYONE TO ANSWER THESE QUESTIONS?
I don't care.
76. WHAT ARE YOU LISTENING TO RIGHT NOW?
Nothing.
77. LAST THING YOU ATE?
Baked lays
78. LAST PERSON YOU TALKED TO ON THE PHONE?
Milly
79. THE FIRST THING YOU NOTICE IN THE OPPOSITE SEX?
eyes
80. DO YOU LOVE THE PERSON WHO POSTED THIS?
DUH!
81. HOW IS LIFE RIGHT NOW?
Tiring. And unpredictable.
82. FAVORITE DRINK?
Kopi Chai
83. FAVORITE ALCOHOLIC DRINK?
Don't drink
84. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE SPORT?
Volleyball
85. HAIR COLOR?
dark brown and light blonde
86. EYE COLOR?
green
88. SIBLINGS?
Donovan and Jamisen
89. FAVORITE MONTH?
May
90. FAVORITE FOOD?
SNS chili mac
91. LAST MOVIE YOU WATCHED?
Mullholland Drive
92. FAVORITE DAY OF THE YEAR?
Probably christmas
93. ARE YOU TOO SHY TO ASK SOMEONE OUT?
Most of the time
94. SUMMER OR WINTER?
SUMMER. SPRING!
95. HUGS OR KISSES?
Hugs, most def
96. Relationships or one night stands?
Relationships.
97. WHO IS THE MOST LIKELY TO ANSWER THESE QUESTIONS?
whoever read this far, probably
98. WHO IS THE LEAST LIKELY TO ANSWER THESE QUESTIONS?
most intelligent people
99. WHAT BOOKS ARE YOU READING?
Stranger than fiction, dangerous wonder, searching for god knows what
100. WHAT'S ON YOUR MOUSE PAD?
I don't have one
101. FAVORITE BOARD GAME?
monopoly
102. WHAT DID YOU WATCH ON TV LAST NIGHT?
stuff about the universe on the discovery channel with zane
103. WHO WERE YOU WITH LAST NIGHT?
take a wild fucking guess
104. WHAT IS THE FIRST THING YOU THINK OF WHEN YOU WAKE UP?
class? work? zane, get your elbow out of my face.
105. SAY SOMETHING NICE ABOUT THE PERSON WHO POSTED THIS?
I MISS THE FUCK OUT OF YOU!! |
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