Vulnerability and Identity

~ Rachel Wolf ~ Leave a comment

This seems relevant to nearly the last entire week of writing, honestly. The boundaries and stakes are related to vulnerability. My occasional difficulty in posting publicly is related to vulnerability. My vague descriptions of recent events, as well, and the backdrop of my life that all this is occurring against, which I don’t know that I’ve even discussed.

My bestie and I have discussed this at length, and I know I’ve written about it, though I don’t know if it was ever posted publicly or when. It boils down to the idea of myself as a system rather than a single individual. This happens because we often feel stuck or trapped in one particular identity or way of being. Or because events create a cognitive dissonance that feels like an internal argument.

When we talk about ourselves in this way, we even tend to use the plural. My bestie often refers to me making a difficult decision as a congress. Points with which I don’t disagree.

The primary players in that tug of war are Little Rachel, the Wolf, the Paladin, and I suppose just Rachel. As a side note, I don’t feel that my writing comes from any one of these, especially not when I’m writing about it. It feels more… detached. Like a narrator explaining what’s happening on the screen of my mental landscape.

Little Rachel is at the core of my Little identity and in a weird way, the overall ruler of the mental landscape. She’s very much like a four year old in nature. Happy and loving in a good mood. Petulant and demanding when ignored. And above all, extremely vulnerable. She’s very sensitive and easy to upset in ways that would normally slide off of me.

The Paladin exists as the answer to that. She’s both our armor and our sense of obligation. She’s the one who will fight the “good” fight until I’m exhausted and incapable of functioning. She’s also the one responsible for that little voice that tells me to stop talking and close myself off. To delete that post. Or this one, even. Because we’d be safer if people didn’t know.

Rachel is the face we present to the outside world. The “normal” one. The person we have to be in order to function. More than a mask, but honestly hard for me to describe and define.

And the Wolf, well… she is best left alone. If the Paladin is our defense then the Wolf is our offense. A necessary and important thing, but a vicious one.

I said all that to basically explain that currently, many of my problems seem related to interference from the Paladin. That defensive attitude. That strong reaction to vulnerability. Has been a large part of my current struggles.

And I suppose this is more of an acknowledgement than a solution right now. I’m not entirely certain how to approach this particular issue. Bad things happen when I start trying to suppress parts of myself. Instead I have to continue pushing my own boundaries and comfort zone like I did the other night. Slowly wearing her down until she acknowledges that maybe we’re not wrong. This time. Basically, rather than ignore her, convince her via evidence that her narrative is incorrect.

I do believe that’s about enough of that. I wrote this and the previous post back to back, which is a touch exhausting. Y’all take care! Make sure you take some time for yourself today! 💖

Hey, it’s Blaugust time! The goal is to simply promote and stimulate the blogging community by encouraging people of all skill levels and backgrounds to post. The official post can be found here and it’s never too late to start.

Writing and its Purpose

~ Rachel Wolf ~ Leave a comment

I regularly come back to the question of what exactly I’m looking to accomplish here. A topic I’ve written and a story I’ve told time and again. Started as a gaming blog. That slowly transitioned to processing and journaling. Grew uncomfortable with the public nature of sharing my inner thoughts and stopped. Eventually restarted privately purely for the value of journaling. Slowly allowed people close to me into that space, and now, back in the public eye again.

The easy answer is that I must write somewhere. I need the journaling to process and stay sane. Enough so that I honestly don’t understand how I functioned without it. Given my very stream of consciousness style of writing, I suppose I just sat around and thought about things.

Why do it publicly, then? I honestly got more engagement privately on discord. To the best of my knowledge, those people did not follow me back here when I switched. One or two of them, perhaps, but it’s definitely a different format and view base.

I suppose part of it is because I enjoy promoting the event that helped encourage important changes in habit and life. It’s also like going back home and visiting family. It feels familiar, even though I can see what’s changed in myself, and gives me time and space to reflect on those changes.

I always come back to the same reason for why I do it publicly, though. Even when my journal was private, it worked best when I had at least one observer. I think this is because it forces me to communicate in a very specific way. It requires my thoughts to be organized in a way that would make sense. If I know it’s completely private, then I don’t necessarily bother. The drafts leading to my transition are a good example. They’re more like an outline than a fully fleshed out idea.

It’s honestly a bit difficult to keep myself that vulnerable publicly. Posts like the one I wrote yesterday are legitimately difficult. It was deliberately cagey and light on details because it revolves around subjects I’m not especially comfortable with. Hence why I’m questioning my choices the day after. I had to fight with myself just to let that post remain in place. If I had the time and energy to write a new one, I probably wouldn’t have.

Which is exactly why I moved away from public blogging. I struggle to believe that any of this is interesting or relevant to anyone other than myself.

The trick, I think, is that it doesn’t have to be. I write for my own benefit. Because I feel compelled to do so. It has to be shared somewhere, so why not here? Perhaps I shall write more about that resistance tomorrow.

Y’all take care for now! 💖

Hey, it’s Blaugust time! The goal is to simply promote and stimulate the blogging community by encouraging people of all skill levels and backgrounds to post. The official post can be found here and it’s never too late to start.

Exploring Local Kink Communities

~ Rachel Wolf ~ 2 Comments

I found myself, for the first time ever, checking the WordPress community guidelines before writing. My intent was to make sure this type of discussion was within bounds. It’s more a general discussion of my impressions, rather than anything explicit, but you never know.

I’ve been going to public dinner events for a local kink group for a month or so. They seem like great folks to me, despite the reservations of the people that pointed me that way. Being a generally social sort, any group I vibe well with is worth hanging out with.

What made this particular situation unique is that I’ve never really interfaced with a group like this before, or with any community quite like it. Well, technically the Little community, I suppose, but that particular subculture is somewhat reclusive in my experience. That’s actually where I learned this group existed, and the group was described as “weird” or “unsettling.”

The point is, I was very much operating well outside my comfort zone. It was just a lot of new all at once, and that’s actually naturally hard on me. A new and unfamiliar environment, full of people I don’t know, and doing and discussing things I know little about was a much higher cognitive and emotional load than I expected. I was overstimulated , more or less. In the moment, I’m sure it made me seem more shy than anything else, because I had to move in and out of the play area to modulate myself.

This was not at all the fault of the group, though. They were extremely friendly, receptive, and respectful both in public and within their private space. All of my interaction was purely social in nature, and everyone present was given the opportunity to state their interest in play and being approached about it at the outset. I quite liked that, as trying to have those kinds of conversations while overstimulated would just make me a mess.

Among the many highlights I had was a conversation with one gentleman about my fedora and how to care for it, because honestly I had no idea. I spent a good while just participating in the general conversation happening in the social area, which was a wonderful time. I did force myself to spend time in the play area as well, just generally observing the activity and getting a feel for it and setting my expectations. This is all important groundwork for not getting overstimulated in the future, as it’s definitely my intent to return.

Towards the end of the night I did find one of the board members and double check a specific rules question that I had. Logically, I find their stance perfectly understandable and reasonable. Emotionally, my reaction was rather visceral and negative. Everything up to that point had made me feel welcome and free, but this one little moment felt like rejection. In a normal context, I think I’d have shaken it off, but just due to the circumstances I found myself in tears on my drive home.

I don’t blame them for my emotional reaction. I understand well what happens when my Little identity is left vulnerable like that. I wasn’t prepared to shield myself from that blow so it took some time to stabilize. I still intend to go back, I just haven’t decided exactly how I want to handle that situation yet. I have about a month to figure it out, as I’ll be pretty busy the rest of August.

Overall, it was a positive social experience and definitely a learning experience. Well worth the load it placed on me. I look forward to exploring and experimenting a bit more in the future.

Y’all take care! Stay safe! 💖

Attachment, Affection, and Stakes

~ Rachel Wolf ~ Leave a comment

I wrote a little recently about romance and attraction, and some of the ways I find these things challenging. A large part of my struggle has often been the seeming randomness in my ability, willingness, and depth of engaging. An idea has occurred to me during my drive today and I think it explains at least some of that variation in a way I can communicate.

It boils down to stakes, really. I met my bestie and developed the relationship I had with her early on because it was a very low stakes interaction. It was fun and freeing to just engage with someone in a very open and forward manner. Most strangers have a very similar experience. Likewise, several local friends have found me to be extremely friendly and low stakes.

Where I start to falter and throw up my guard is when the stakes are raised a little. This can happen because I’m interested in them, but it has come up a lot more with my metamours. Those are extremely high stakes situations that can and have destabilized my relationship with my platonic partner in the past. Even worse would be if it caused friction between her and my meta.

I have been watching this in real time for the last several days. It applies just as much with groups and organizations. If I’m at all invested in the outcome, that raises the stakes and I operate very differently. It’s a much slower and much more cautious approach that drives my bestie crazy.

It also doesn’t sit well with some people. My meta thought I didn’t like her for the longest time due to how distant and cautious I was.

I haven’t yet decided if I intend to do anything about it. Those systems are in place for a reason, and just being aware that this is what’s going on gives me some measure of control over it. Ultimately it was just an interesting observation that I wanted to write about as a means to process and acknowledge it.

Y’all take care! 💖

Hey, it’s Blaugust time! The goal is to simply promote and stimulate the blogging community by encouraging people of all skill levels and backgrounds to post. The official post can be found here and it’s never too late to start.

Technical Difficulties

~ Rachel Wolf ~ Leave a comment

Was gonna try using the desktop client today, but turns out my spotty signal makes for a very frustrating hotspot. It’s also making it nearly impossible for me to get the pictures I’ve been taking on my walk to a place where I can use them.

I’ve watched a lot of videos about photography lately, and one of the beginner tips I’ve seen a lot is to shoot in full manual mode. Primarily so you understand which adjustments do what, but also do you know how your specific equipment works. I’ll admit, it’s a bit intimidating at first. There are a lot of adjustments that can be made, and they sound quite intimidating from the outside.

ISOs, f stops, and the like. At least shutter speed and focal length are named in a way that describes what it does, even if it’s not immediately apparent.

I still don’t grasp it all completely, but spending an hour or so a day with it has helped. ISO controls the sensitivity of the sensor in much the same way we might think of as a brightness knob. The f stop is the size of the opening in the cameras little Stargate iris, more properly called the aperture size. It does much the same thing. Bigger opening = more light = brighter picture.

The shutter speed kinda works the same way. Having the shutter open longer also means more light, which in a very still scene makes things brighter. High motion with no blur needs a very short shutter speed, but let in only a tiny amount of light. This requires us to compensate using the other two settings if there isn’t enough light present.

Focal length affects the field of view. On the surface it can feel a lot like a zoom. I typically use that plus positioning to control what’s visible in frame. Especially if it would be a little hard to see.

And of course, this is all a gross oversimplification. There’s depth of field stuff, which I don’t have a great sense for yet.

I do agree with the reviews of my somewhat older camera that the autofocus is… not great. Today I actually kept manual focus on and just did my best to remember that I needed to check it any time I had moved. I’m skimming through my shots off and on while I write this and I definitely forgot sometimes.

I’m also realizing I either need to shoot at higher shutter speeds or get a tripod, cause for any given group there’s one that came out a tad blurry. Usually the last and sometimes the first. Either that or the focus just isn’t quite right.

Those are skills that will come with time, though. I’m just proud I managed to be where I wanted to be, when I wanted to be there, and get the shots I was after. The reward of a mission well done.

On that Nate, I’m gonna catch a nap, cause I was up at 5am to catch dawn where I wanted to be and I’m nodding off a bit here and there.

Y’all take care, and have a great day! 💖

Hey, it’s Blaugust time! The goal is to simply promote and stimulate the blogging community by encouraging people of all skill levels and backgrounds to post. The official post can be found here and it’s never too late to start.

Tidy Room, Tidy Mind

~ Rachel Wolf ~ Leave a comment

This is a saying my bestie often repeats. I agree, but not necessarily with a completely literal interpretation. If only because each individual’s definition of tidy varies, in my experience. My personal interpretation of this phrase is actually related more to self-care in general. Setting yourself and your space in order, whatever that order is to you, helps put your mental space in order too.

For the friend that says this, it’s a predominantly physical thing. Tending to physical self, hygiene, the condition of her living space, etc. These are the routines that help keep her life in order.

For me, it tends to be a bit more metaphysical. Yes, hygiene and the like are important and require daily attention, but it’s more about maintaining my routine and cultivating a certain mindset. Making sure I’m maintaining a consistent and predictable daily schedule. Ensuring that I spend time in environments I find calming and rejuvenating like my walks in the park. Watching who I spend time around and monitoring their mood and attitude is also important.

That last one took a while for me to learn. I have a natural inclination to help people that seem troubled or distressed. If I’m not careful, though, this also means I tend to surround myself with people who are stuck in negative patterns that are not only infectious, but exhausting to combat constantly. As my bestie puts it, “I’ll continue fighting my fights until I’m bleeding out on the floor.” So I have to choose my battles.

Having spent some time putting my room in order this afternoon, though, the base statement seems relatable enough. It’s not even a huge change so far, but even a small reduction in move-in clutter makes my space feel better to be in, which in turn increases my desire to engage in the activities and hobbies that are much more fulfilling. It’s not the tidying of the room itself that does the real work, but the things it enables.

Ironically I’ve discovered I’m much the same way about my car. Taking the time to run through a car wash once a week and tidy the interior does wonders for my mindset. Probably because I spend a lot more time visiting places with 4 hour or so drives.

Overall it’s a statement I’ve come to appreciate. My life and space are kept in much better condition than my old life in Georgia, and that really does help my mental state, one way or another.

Y’all take care! Remember to spend a little time, even just 5-10 minutes, tending to yourself. You’re important and I’m glad you’re here! 💖

Hey, it’s Blaugust time! The goal is to simply promote and stimulate the blogging community by encouraging people of all skill levels and backgrounds to post. The official post can be found here and it’s never too late to start.

Who is Rachel Wolf?

~ Rachel Wolf ~ 2 Comments

I was going to abstain from an introduction post this year, but I’m exhausted and short on time. 😅

I honestly view myself as something of a renaissance woman. A middle aged trans woman who is reasonably well educated and dabbled in a lot of things, without the patience or commitment to really master any of them.

I have nearly 20 years in the manufacturing industry, and currently work for the rather well known Procter and Gamble. I did a couple of months for Tyson, repairing equipment that makes lunch meat, and more time than I care to relate making ranges for GE Appliances. In short, I’m in industrial maintenance, I suppose. Among the many things I appreciate in this world is big machinery and seeing how work gets done.

Aside from that, I obviously write, but in no particular order I also read, walk and explore local parks, try amateur photography, do electronic and tabletop gaming, miniature painting, 3d printing, knitting and crochet, watch anime, and queer community involvement. And dabble in a variety of other random things not worth listing at length.

I don’t do nearly as much gaming as I did when I started this blog, and certainly not as much without MMO style games. Mostly just co-op stuff with my friends. I have become a much more social person over the last couple of years, and a lot of what I do revolves around a social group, either on discord or in meatspace.

I live, now, in the Iowa City metro area, which I’ve grown fond of. It’s urban enough to be progressive and have the benefits of urban living, like group(s) for nearly any activity, without being excessive. I am, however, from the state of Georgia and I sound the part.

I feel like that covers most of the basics. I’m always open to questions, DMs, and inquiries. I honestly feel a bit awkward rambling on about myself at length.

Y’all take care! 💖

Hey, it’s Blaugust time! The goal is to simply promote and stimulate the blogging community by encouraging people of all skill levels and backgrounds to post. The official post can be found here and it’s never too late to start.

On Friendship, Romance, and Attraction

~ Rachel Wolf ~ Leave a comment

This is a post I’ve tried to write several times, and have found difficult to put into words. For me, it’s a recurring theme and problem I’ve been grappling with for close to a year. I’ve questioned and considered that I might be some flavor of aromantic (aro) as a result.

The core of the problem, near as I can define it, is that there is no distinguishable difference between what I want from a platonic relationship and a romantic one. All of my romantic relationships naturally settle into a platonic state after a few months.

I attribute this at least in part to my asexual (ace) orientation. Specifically grey ace, which is like, sorta ace, but conditionally or not always. The point is, it’s not that it’s completely off the table, but once the novelty has passed the traditionally romantic parts of the relationship become uninteresting to me.

In some ways I find that cruel to others. I’ve seen several people get a little attached, but once that phase ended there wasn’t a lot of substance to the relationship and I grew distant and ended the relationship. It seems a little heartless, is all. Nevertheless, this is how I seem to be.

And in the instances where a relationship persists past that point, it is indistinguishable from a really close friend or platonic relationship. It doesn’t prevent me from being attracted to people. I still experience types of emotional bonding and attachment that around people typically eschew. But the way I bond with them is… atypical. At least in my opinion.

The idea for this post essentially sprang from me trying to process the idea that I consider myself an excellent friend, but not well suited to prolonged romantic engagement, and how those tended to dissolve back into friendship over time.

This line of thinking is also why I began to take polyamory more seriously as a life choice. It gives me the stability of established platonic partners, along with the ability to continue exploring additional relationships, and when I need support, that burden is shared amongst many instead of placed on a single person. Likewise, when my partners or metas need support, there are several of us to step in and help. In that sense, it’s not radically different from a solid friend group or support structure. The hardest part is dealing with the communication required to make it work.

That’s how I’m feeling about these things lately, anyway. I find it a different enough experience that it’s hard for me to relate well to more traditional relationship structures. I never really had a good grasp on them to begin with.

Y’all take care! 💖

Hey, it’s Blaugust time! The goal is to simply promote and stimulate the blogging community by encouraging people of all skill levels and backgrounds to post. The official post can be found here and it’s never too late to start.

Anime – Final Thoughts on Spy X Family

~ Rachel Wolf ~ Leave a comment

Something I learned at a very early age, thanks to video game magazines, is that one should never really trust reviews. Every individual has their own unique tastes.

Unfortunately, despite a strong desire to like Spy X, I honestly find the pacing and storytelling all wrong. I was hoping season 2 would pick it up a little bit, but it didn’t. It had plenty of character development. It certainly has some really great moments and arcs. But ultimately it kinda feels like “oops, all subplots.”

That is, a lot of things are going on at any given time, but what the series sets up as the main plot is really more of a backdrop. It was set up as important and time critical, then received only lip service past a certain point. An acknowledgement that it’s still going on, but never developed in a meaningful way.

Perhaps that’s just me, though. I typically found it engaging and amusing, though it also has some pretty intense cringy moments.

It does have a s3 in the world, and a movie I haven’t seen yet. Though I’m left wondering how much of my time I’m willing to commit to the series when I could be watching and doing other things.

I feel much the same way about the manga, which is still ongoing. I don’t know if I’m willing to invest reading time to possibly have the exact same experience over again.

Anyway, that’s just my thoughts. Certainly don’t need to reflect anyone else’s. A lot of people apparently love it. I just don’t think it’s for me right now.

Y’all take care! 💖

Hey, it’s Blaugust time! The goal is to simply promote and stimulate the blogging community by encouraging people of all skill levels and backgrounds to post. The official post can be found here and it’s never too late to start.

Venting – Being the Family Dog

~ Rachel Wolf ~ Leave a comment

How to open this post… I suppose, providing some context would be helpful.

My best friend is also a sort of mostly platonic partner. She often refers to me as “her wolf” and considers me a part of her polycule. We collectively agreed on many occasions that her and I aren’t romantic partners, though we have circled quite close and this has caused some friction between us in the past.

Honestly, it took me a long time to reach a point where I could hold on to that level of emotional attachment outside of a romantic context. It’s not the sort of relationship that is baked in, culturally. I just found it a hard barrier to cross, but with time and patience on her part, I settled in eventually.

Something I have continued to struggle with is accepting her statement that I’m a part of the polycule. I don’t doubt for a second that she feels that I am. What I struggle with is that actions lately have very much failed to meet my expectations of that statement. While I know I can and will discuss this with her sometime this week, there are several things I’ve needed to process and assess.

I was relegated to the couch during my last two visits, and informed that this would likely be the case during my post-surgical visit. Admittedly the first is because I was pretty out of it due to heat stress, and the second was her maximizing time with one of her other partners. In isolation, it would be less of an issue, but it’s still a bit of a blow. It’s taking away one of the few things that made things sustainable for me, and is an indication through action of where I am in the pecking order, so to speak.

Then, when things got really rough between the three of them, well, I was pretty much left to my own devices. I did my best to include myself where I could, initially. Spending time with both my metamours. However, as the intensity of their problems escalated, so did my isolation. Plans with me were cancelled or passed on due to daily hours long discussions, which were understandably exhausting for everyone involved.

The breaking point for me was when my celebratory dinner plans got cancelled in favor of another discussion, my best friend didn’t have the spoons to talk to me, and the backup lunch proposed by them was cancelled again for another discussion. All during the process of moving, which is extremely hard on me, and was being done as much for the benefit of the group as for myself. I understand, logically, that those discussions were necessary and important. I agree with that.

To compound all that, none of my other plans with people outside the polycule worked out either. I was left completely to my own devices socially. Which I managed, and used to get some stuff done, but comes with a price.

Being left out in the cold to fend for myself, however, doesn’t make me feel important or included. I have no idea what goes on, other than the bits that get passed on after the fact. What am I supposed to take away from all this? Because the message I’m getting is that I’m just not a part of this. That I stand on the outside looking in, an old and deep wound already, between the bestie and I.

So I am left to wonder what I am, then. The dependable best friend who can always be called on, but is safe to ignore because she’s “good for it?” Part of the family when it’s convenient, but required to sleep at the foot of the bed, eat what I’m given, and be happy about it?

The bestie and I will talk about it and resolve it at some point, but at least I’ve had time to process and work through it. I’m still quite cross with the metas. They didn’t have the emotional credit for this. I think I plan to go back to keeping them at arms length. Allowing myself to get close to them emotionally has proven to be a direct route to conflict and distress time and again.

Either way, I feel better for having written about it. I used to keep these as drafts or delete them, but I don’t know if I have the energy to write any more tonight.

Y’all take care. 💖

Hey, it’s Blaugust time! The goal is to simply promote and stimulate the blogging community by encouraging people of all skill levels and backgrounds to post. The official post can be found here and it’s never too late to start.