WordPress – PC v Mobile

~ Rachel Wolf ~ 1 Comment

So I pointed out recently that I have been primarily using the mobile client to do all these posts. My photography post on the 30th is actually the first once I’ve used the PC web interface for, and this one just behind it. I forgot how many tiny little things are technically easier or possible on the web client.

The biggest one is that when I’m selecting date for my posts I can actually see which dates are already used in the little calendar. The mobile interface does not do this, and I have to constantly flip back and forth across multiple interfaces to make sure I’m lining things up properly.

Also, I forget just how much faster I can bang out some text using a keyboard. You’d think it would be obvious, but I spend so much time communicating via text on my phone that it just feels normal. A lot of the journaling I did before I returned to blogging was also on mobile, so it just feels… normal.

I’ve also forgotten how much easier it is to add and edit photo placement on the PC. One of the reasons I avoid image use as much these days is it just doesn’t look good in the mobile interface, and if I don’t like the way it looks on my screen I’m not gonna publish it.

I just realized that they added and easy word count back to the PC interface which is pretty cool. I used to rely heavily on that because I had a personal word count target I liked to follow. There simply isn’t one on the mobile interface that I’ve seen. Though I feel like this was removed from the PC interface for a while when the editor moved over the the block editor. There used to be a counter in the lower right hand corner.

Still, it’s hard to beat the convenience of hammering out a blog post regardless of where I am or what I’m doing. Being able to pull out my phone in a quiet moment and get to work is extremely useful. It makes it much easier to use my time efficiently, since I’m not home nearly as much. I certainly wouldn’t have gotten this far into Blaugust without using mobile, just due to when my writing slots turn up.

Fun side note, I just realized that mobile used my local time zone and PC used my previous time zone, which led to my last post being a little early. Trying to track down how and where to update that was a little amusing, as it wasn’t immediately intuitive. I assumed it was account based, but it’s blog based. I guess that makes sense, but I had to google it to figure out where it was.

I should really try to use the PC interface more often, I think. Though it annoys me that I can’t easily insert my favorite little heart emoji at the end on PC. Y’all take care!

Hey, it’s Blaugust time! The goal is to simply promote and stimulate the blogging community by encouraging people of all skill levels and backgrounds to post. The official post can be found here and it’s never too late to start.

Rambling Thoughts – Motivation and Direction

~ Rachel Wolf ~ Leave a comment

There is a trend I have observed in myself. Slightly related to what I wrote about yesterday, but more so with regard to my work and hobbies. Specifically, how certain things motivate or demotivate me.

And I hate to admit it, but immediacy is a factor. I don’t think of myself as an instant gratification kind of person, but my patience is… conditional. This thought first came about because somebody asked why I wasn’t as assertive as I used to be about my work. And honestly it’s because my progression is heavily time-gated. My knowledge and ability means nothing, only the randomness with which qualified trainers present themselves to complete the paperwork.

Likewise, my hobbies only get progressed when I feel like they’re progressing. Sometimes that’s because I need to start over and redo something, and sometimes it’s a mismatch between my desire to do a thing and my ability. This is usually a financial barrier, but not always.

In all cases, it boils down to a goal that isn’t unattainable, but is so far in that future that it feels irrelevant. It triggers that internal switch that turns the desire and feeling part off and replaces it with indifference. A very ADHD reaction, which is unsurprising since I was diagnosed as a child.

This tends to impact my writing some as well. Right now Blaugust provides a carrot on the stick. A reason to not only write every day, but to really double down and write two or three times a day to catch up. Once that is over, though, and I met the goal I set for myself, what other goal takes its place? For what purpose should I continue or invest the effort?

I’m aware that it’s a goal I must provide and set for myself. That technically, the only reason I invest this effort now is because I want to. Nobody will come looking for me if I don’t. There’s no blogging police coming. Yet I persist for my own reasons. I come back every year, not because anyone makes me, but because I feel compelled to.

The intriguing part is that sometimes the indifferent patience of my shutdown state pays off. I mean, it stands to reason it should occasionally, just by chance. I certainly don’t feel in control of that switch. I never have.

I suppose that’s what bothers me, really. I dislike acknowledging my lack of control over myself. We should have executive control over that emotional switch, and even as we write that we see the flaw in it. Emotions do not have to be logical. Neither do they define us. I want to say they do not control us, but neither do we control them.

Anyway, I’m not really sure where this is going at this point. Y’all take care! 💖

Hey, it’s Blaugust time! The goal is to simply promote and stimulate the blogging community by encouraging people of all skill levels and backgrounds to post. The official post can be found here and it’s never too late to start.

Rambling Thoughts – False Starts and Selfish Extroversion

~ Rachel Wolf ~ Leave a comment

There are a few related thoughts that I’m trying to untangle and process. In fact, it’s a little funny how much time I spend just observing myself and how I react to things. I would possibly describe myself as thoughtful, not in the traditional sense, but because I am typically lost in thought.

There was a time, not that long ago, that I felt a little attached to my meta. She was always someone I was interested in, but I put up a lot of boundaries and barriers when my bestie started dating her. For reasons we won’t expand on here.

I did discuss that little crush with my bestie a while back, and without telling me, immediately passed that information to my meta. I think, in a vacuum, I might have been okay with that. I had spent a fair amount of time with my meta, while she knew this and I wasn’t aware. When I did find out, my reaction was swift and strong.

Essentially, that door was closed, locked, and nailed shut. An automatic reaction designed to keep me safe. I don’t harbor any ill will over it. What I find curious is that whatever was there before is quite inaccessible. It’s not negative. It’s just not present.

I find I sit in that spot with regard to any sort of relationship at the moment. I find that I’m disinterested. Having performed that brief experiment, in addition to several before it, the idea of spending my time with others in a way that triggers romantic feelings is unappealing.

The last time I spent with the meta one on one was when we went to explore the local nature preserve. An altogether pleasant experience, and one I enjoyed. I certainly enjoy her company. If I were to go again, though, or to explore any other new park, I would just as soon do so on my own terms. To be completely free to wander about, including outside the lines.

It is in my nature to yield to the sensibilities of people around me, and the idea of giving up my freedom and agency has become repulsive. The extension of this is that it’s increasingly hard for me to spend time around people who are likely to create that reaction. In fact, that’s basically what ended my last relationship.

And I don’t really know what to do with that information. My bestie is the closest one to the mark, which is why we have a platonic relationship, but the idea of allowing anyone close enough to threaten my agency has me keeping everyone at arms length. It’s eating away at the edges of my established relationships. I want to meet new people because that’s the fuel I run on, but loathe the strings that come with prolonged contact.

It reminds me a lot of when I realized I was an obligate extrovert. My sense of self has shifted in a way I cannot describe easily, and is requiring a lot of introspection to come to terms with.

And now I have to figure out what to title this post.

Y’all take care. Be free. Do all the things.

Hey, it’s Blaugust time! The goal is to simply promote and stimulate the blogging community by encouraging people of all skill levels and backgrounds to post. The official post can be found here and it’s never too late to start.

The Pronoun Game

~ Rachel Wolf ~ Leave a comment

Funnily enough, this has much different connotations in gender identity circles, but it isn’t really about that. As a trans woman myself, I believe that personal pronouns are as important as preferred names. It costs me nothing to use the right ones and is wonderfully supportive.

What I’m actually here to talk about is just the general use of pronouns in language. The Pronoun Game is the name I use for the little guessing game that comes from using pronouns when you could instead be specific. Pronouns, by their nature are vague. When used occasionally, they help provide variety instead of repeating proper names ad nauseum. I’m two paragraphs in and already using them just because I’m sick of using the word pronouns. Because of how this is structured, though, it’s pretty clear what they/them refers to in this case.

The side effect of using them is when there are multiple potential options. This grants us the possibility of being misunderstood. Of creating times where what I’m trying to communicate is muddled or unclear.

Presume, for a moment, that I digressed a bit about nouns and verbs as well. Definitely important parts of our language as well. If I came back in later with an “I don’t like using them,” it might not be immediately clear which one I was referring to.

I could create a number of obvious examples, but it’s really the subtle ones that cause problems. Situations where it doesn’t stand out much in the moment. I’ve actually learned to just ask and confirm I understood when I notice the pronoun game.

I have also altered the way I write. If I catch myself using pronouns or vague language in general, I try to rewrite it or use more specific words so that it’s clear what I’m referring to.

And of course, I didn’t come up with the “pronoun game” name myself, either. I happened across it at some point and it was a little tidbit that stuck. Something that stood out enough that I’ve tried to alter my behavior and language to suit.

See if you can catch yourself doing it. Ask yourself “is who or what I’m talking about obvious, or am I assuming because I know what I meant?”

Y’all take care. Maybe don’t think about it too hard. 💖

Hey, it’s Blaugust time! The goal is to simply promote and stimulate the blogging community by encouraging people of all skill levels and backgrounds to post. The official post can be found here and it’s never too late to start.

Batman: Caped Crusader

~ Rachel Wolf ~ Leave a comment

It never ceases to amaze me how often they can make a new Batman show or movie. It’s the same characters, in the same places, telling the same story over and over again. They all have their own unique flavor and takes, but it’s still more or less the same thing. I’d argue this show, ultimately, fits that same description.

It’s a very recent animated adaptation from this year that came highly recommended. It’s still “just another Batman,” but does enough differently that it felt unique in its identity.

It has a very strong “I just now became Batman,” kind of vibe, and Bruce comes across in both roles as a rich white guy. His interactions with Alfred are mirrored by another character and her handmaiden later. It boils down to dismissive bordering on insulting.

I do like the creative liberties they’ve taken with the characters and how they’re woven into the narrative. Seeing Dr. Quinn as a therapist, which she was canonically I believe, and not just an attache to the Joker. *Not* having the Joker, for that matter.

I appreciated the way they showed Harvey Dent and his struggles as well. As somebody who has a mild touch of dissociative identity disorder, it’s a relatable character. Not a good one, by any means.

I absolutely loved the way they portrayed the Penguin. It’s a strong cliche to have the mob mother and her sons, but a more interesting angle for that villain. Of course, that could just be a lack of knowledge on my part. I’m simply not familiar with this character in the canon.

On the whole, I at least found it more enjoyable than most of the Batman stuff I’ve seen for a while. It was a pleasant little watch and I’m curious to see what they would do with a second season.

Y’all take care, and don’t do anything dramatic. 💖

Hey, it’s Blaugust time! The goal is to simply promote and stimulate the blogging community by encouraging people of all skill levels and backgrounds to post. The official post can be found here and it’s never too late to start.

Blaugust – Playing Catch-up

~ Rachel Wolf ~ Leave a comment

So, as evidenced by several posts that are technically after this one, despite being written before it, my trip to look after my bestie in KC put me a bit behind. Mostly because I haven’t really had time to stop and focus on writing. My writing time is part of my daily routine, and with the routine disrupted so we’re the posts.

I’m still committed to my goal, but though, and figure if I double or triple post then I should be able to make up my missing week throughout this one. I certainly have plenty of things I can talk about.

I’ve long debated as to whether or not this kind of time travel is technically cheating. I know several people including myself have done it, but I typically tried to limit it to one offs instead of an entire week. At the end of the day, I suppose the point is to encourage blogging, and the number of posts I write will remain the same, regardless of when exactly they were written.in that sense, it seems fair enough. I’m not doing less work, just differently timed work.

Among the many things I have lined up to talk about are two different tv shows and two different games, all of which I invested time into during my little break. I may also take time to discuss some internal thoughts, as I do, though just being back home and in my routine has done a lot to calm me.

I may well write some of these on the desktop client for a change as well. I used to do that every time, but circumstances have made it easier to write on mobile these days. I feel like this has a negative impact on the quality of my writing. In particular, it means I tend to use a lot less images and formatting. Still, it’s better than not writing at all.

Here’s to getting the work done, though. Y’all take care! 💖

Hey, it’s Blaugust time! The goal is to simply promote and stimulate the blogging community by encouraging people of all skill levels and backgrounds to post. The official post can be found here and it’s never too late to start.

Photography – Experimentation and Limitations

~ Rachel Wolf ~ Leave a comment

As I steadily learn more about my equipment and how to control and adjust various parameters, I am slowly becoming aware of the limitations of my current equipment, but also how and where to adjust certain parameters.

Most of that came about from me trying to adjust the depth of field to obtain certain effects. Pretty much trying to get the subject in focus and the background and foreground out of focus. The primary goal is to emphasize the subject so they “pop out” visually.

Gizmo

One of my best shots in that regard was this picture of Gizmo. I actually would have preferred the depth of field to be a bit narrower than this, but I did like what I managed to get. This was taken after I started to understand how to control depth of field and specifically to experiment with that idea.

A lot of the optical adjustments I can make affect it somehow, though the big one is focal length. Best to think of that as “zoom,” though that’s not technically correct. The other big one is aperture size, which is the size of the hole in the lens letting light in. The last is just being close to the object of focus.

What took me a while to learn was that I have much better control of aperture size in aperture priority mode. That seems a bit obvious, but I literally cannot tune it as far in full manual. All aperture priority does is automatically adjust the shutter speed to obtain “proper” lighting.

I have eventually learned through continued tinkering that there’s some physical limits to what my current lens can do. Specifically, the aperture on my kit lens can only open so far. I’m not planning to rush out and buy new gear, because I’d like to continue experimenting with what I have, but I’m seeing and acknowledging the places where I’m hitting those hard limits.

I still find it fun to experiment with. Y’all take care! 💖

Hey, it’s Blaugust time! The goal is to simply promote and stimulate the blogging community by encouraging people of all skill levels and backgrounds to post. The official post can be found here and it’s never too late to start.

You, Me, and We

~ Rachel Wolf ~ Leave a comment

Since I came out a little over two years ago, I have slowly become more aware of how often various types of my edua don’t quite sync up with my own preferences. I don’t think it’s a problem, necessarily, just an observation. Media tends to reflect the society it comes from, so if most people are straight, monogamous, and cis, then it stands to reason that most media would be as well.

This thought comes about purely because I’ll hear or see something and wish it was slightly more gay, or slightly less gendered. Of particular relevance is the number of TV shows or movies where there is angst regarding feelings for multiple people. Usually because one solid polycule would just render the whole situation moot.

Then I remind myself that so few people would relate to or understand the context. I’ve tried to explain poly stuff to my coworkers, and they keep going back to things like polygamy and/or Sister Wives. Which I’ve never seen. Both are poor comparisons, in my opinion.

The idea of being in a secure relationship with one or more people who also have their own relationships with people other than me seems to result in more confusion than anything else.

Yet I’m aware of just how influencial it has been on me. If anything I personally have gravitated towards solo poly. I enjoy spending time with my bestie and my meta. Both together and separately. I also really appreciate living my own life on my own terms.

When I allow myself to live a shared life, I have a tendency to set my own wants and desires. Something I think goes with the committed/romantic type of life. I very easily set aside the identity and idea of me in exchange for the idea of we. Something that makes me quite miserable after a while.

This is actually something I learned about from the bestie. You, me, and we. There’s your life, and the things you do. My life, and the things I do. And we, the things we enjoy together. All should be present, balanced, and important. Yet I have an instinctive tendency to stop worrying about me and give myself entirely to the we. I’m actually at my happiest keeping my we to a minimum with most people.

I would love to keep trying to expand on this, but the day is nearly done and I can barely keep my eyes open.

Y’all take care! 💖

Hey, it’s Blaugust time! The goal is to simply promote and stimulate the blogging community by encouraging people of all skill levels and backgrounds to post. The official post can be found here and it’s never too late to start.

Origins of a Name – An Unpublished Throwback

~ Rachel Wolf ~ Leave a comment

I’m relatively certain I never published this in a public setting. I wrote it on my private discord journal almost a year and a half ago. Begin quote:

I’ve gone back and forth on whether or not I should discuss myself here. It’s not generally my favorite topic. There’s a remote chance that someone may see this, read it, and in doing so gain something of value. (I doubt it, but I guess it’s possible.) I can’t bear the idea of letting that chance slip by, though. As a blog writer, though, long-form is how I’ve trained my self-expression. Best of luck.

I’ve also debated on where exactly to start. Do we cover my history of transness sprinkled throughout my life? The extremely personal experiences that actually led to my egg cracking? The experience(s) that led me to reject and repress the idea fifteen years ago? I think for now we’ll start with something else. The name and identity of Rachel.

I maintain, much to some people’s chagrin, that the way I came by this name is dumb and cringy. It was born of an intense and unhealthy obsession with my first crush. A much younger version of me was ill-equipped to deal with this, to begin with, but the abrupt and total loss of all contact with Rachel was hard. I spent quite a lot of time crying into a pillow, not knowing or understanding what I was feeling or why. I didn’t really know her that well, and we would never cross paths again, but there was a hole in my heart and its name was Rachel.

The idea of her infected my dreams and my thoughts. The name of a fantasy that I desperately craved. In hindsight, I suppose it’s only natural that years later when I began experimenting with using a female identity online, that I would use the name. It began with my alternate AIM account, ForeverRachel. Not used a lot, just with a few friends, as I still didn’t really understand what I was doing. This was, however, around the time I would first consider the idea of transition.

The idea remained a fantasy, though. As I moved on with my life, other priorities came and went. Yet there was a repeating undercurrent as this name and its associations would pop up and demand attention. My ex-fiance, the second of three people that have managed to make me lose myself in tears, was the first person I ever attempted to confess this to. Many different games over the years have featured characters with the name or variations of it.

Somewhere in late April or early May 2021, a date that I’m only now realizing is going to come back again, I was completely bent out of shape. In all respects, my life was going well, but something was wrong. I was ashamed of the secrets I had been keeping, and couldn’t tell why I needed them so desperately. In a fit of dissociation, I named these behaviors, and their name was Rachel. Not me, not the Rachel you all know, but the identity I often refer to now as Little Rachel.

I spent quite a while exploring the idea of Little Rachel, and what she means for me. I spent a great deal of time reading and talking to others about the idea, and it was the first time I allowed myself to accept and willingly surrender control to an alternate identity rather than simply masquerading as one.

What I didn’t realize until just now was that in late April 2021 (the 25th, in fact) my good friend Rey would link me to a youtube video featuring one Dr. Powers and his explanation and experiences with HRT. This was intended to help me understand her meds, cause I was stupid (sorry Katt) and didn’t understand. What it also accomplished was to make the idea of transition real. It was a real thing that real people could do. It was also an idea I could no longer shake. I began questioning.

(I was 108 words over the Nitro limit, lol)

On the fateful evening of May 8th [2022] I would sit down and write the unpublished blog post that made Rachel a reality. The moment that I recognized and accepted myself as trans, and accepted Rachel as the name I would carry. Not because of my first crush, but because it had become synonymous with my female identity. Fifteen years of tinkering with the idea, trying it on in different ways, allowing myself to exist in that headspace, it felt natural, and right.

Almost a year later, I actually believe it, too. I am Rachel. I am Rachel. That’s what’s in my name.

End quote. I find it especially interesting to see how my writing style has changed since then. It’s a bit subtle, but I like it. One of the big ones is that I don’t use statements in parentheses nearly as much.

Probably would have been a post well suited to introductions, but we write what we feel when we’re feeling it. There are many posts like this one, and I may feel compelled to share some others as I go through them.

In the meantime, y’all take care and stay safe! 💖

Hey, it’s Blaugust time! The goal is to simply promote and stimulate the blogging community by encouraging people of all skill levels and backgrounds to post. The official post can be found here and it’s never too late to start.

On The Bookshelf

~ Rachel Wolf ~ Leave a comment

Going to step back from my intensely emotional stuff and tip my hat for a moment to the books I have in my ever growing queue.

It’s never been a secret that I’m a bit of a Pratchett fan. I was slowly working my way through the Discworld novels well before I began blogging, and did eventually finish the 41 main series novels. Then post-transition decided to do it again, though it doesn’t seem like it will take a decade this time. I’m currently a little over halfway, on The Truth.

I was not aware my copy was autographed until I flipped it open while packing.

Aside from that, I have a number of Pratchett-related material to read through as well. Currently that is Tiffany Aching’s Guide to Being A Witch. It’s a cute little collection that doesn’t contain new information, per se, but kind of the collective lore of the Discworld witches. It’s light reading that I find a bit entertaining.

Another picture taken while I was packing.

After that, I will probably go through A Stroke of the Pen. The Johnny Maxwell trilogy, Nation, and the Long Earth are also on the list, but I’m not certain how quickly I’ll be picking them up afterward. I’ve tried to read Nation a couple of other times and just find it hard to swallow. It’s a bit dark, and I started reading it during a pretty rough patch, and several scenes tend to take me back to those moments.

I have also decided that Brandon Sanderson is my next pickup. I have several of his novels laying around. At least a half dozen or so. They come relatively well recommended from my meta. For that matter, so does Pierce Brown’s Red Rising series, which I’ve only read through the first two books of.

Somewhere among all that I also intend to read Ace. Our local queer radical lending library has a copy and I just haven’t made it back over there since I moved. With any luck that will have changed by the time this goes live.

It’s also part of my plan to pick up some actual bookmarks. I’m honestly used to just using whatever random appropriate objects happens to be laying around (usually a piece of mail) when I need one, so I don’t have that many.

I think that covers the highlights of probably my next year. Y’all take care, and don’t forget about the reading rainbow! 💖

Hey, it’s Blaugust time! The goal is to simply promote and stimulate the blogging community by encouraging people of all skill levels and backgrounds to post. The official post can be found here and it’s never too late to start.