diet | Think What You Like

I’m blogging so I won’t EAT.

I did SAY I wasn’t going to keep this whole ‘eating clean’ thing regularly updated, but I’m being very honest here. If I don’t keep my fingers busy on this here keyboard, I will either burst into tears like the star of some am-dram show, or else I will DEMOLISH the giant, delicious, white chocolate Toblerone that’s mere feet from me as I write. By reading this, you’re saving me from myself.

Eating clean is SH*TE. I don’t know how on earth anyone does this long-term. I looked at Rosanna Davison’s Instagram earlier and honest to JESUS I wanted to (a) immediately post her my Toblerone (b) cry a river of tears on her behalf.

Has she forgotten how good… EVERYTHING tastes?? And then I clicked through some #fitfam #eatclean types of hashtag on Pinterest and became utterly deflated. Not (p)interested at all. Not (p)inspired either, actually. Just fat, sad and inadequate. I have a lot of respect for people with THAT MUCH discipline and motivation that they can maintain this and not go absolutely batty. As you might be able to sense, today (day two) was MUCH more difficult than yesterday.

Here are today’s thoughts:

OKAY, time to kick day two in the ass. Why won’t my eyes open? Ah yes, my body is clearly going into panic shut down mode from lack of dessert.
Breakfast. Here we go. Floor flavoured salmon and scrambled eggs. GRRRREAT.
All I can think about is a bowl of Cornflakes so big you can eat for an entire episode of Rachel Allen’s Easy Meals and still have some left at the end. With full fat milk and sugar on top, of course.
9.07am… Finished breakfast… an hour and 53 minutes until I can eat A HANDFUL of cashew nuts. Why is there no joy in my world anymore?
Right, so I’ve kept myself busy there for at least an hour. Right? *Checks clock* 9.21am. WHY is time standing still???
I can’t believe I just opened my desk drawer to LOOK at a packet of Chocolate Buttons.
RIGHT FINE I GIVE UP. I’m gonna eat the Buttons. *stops self*
Maybe if I just work out really, extra super hard I will be the shape I want? You know that’s not true. It’s 70% diet and 30% exercise, right? Maths makes me want some Birdseye Potato Waffles (they’re waffle-y versatile)
I CAN’T SEE!! I’m slowly going blind from lack of sugar/carbs/happiness.
Right, this lunch won’t be too bad. Ah, the lies we tell ourselves.
Are you kidding me here?? A handful of blueberries “should ease the sugar craving”??? That’s like saying a paracetamol and a pat on the head will placate a heroin addict looking to score.
Don’t panic, you’ve got a lovely (TINY) steak and some truly delicious (FLAVOURLESS) peas and carrots for dinner…
Maybe if I wear my sunglasses indoors it’ll hide the tears?
I can’t believe I have to walk from my desk to my car soon. I’m running on empty here people! Playing chicken with the fuel tank IN MY BODY.
Why are those Drumstick lollipops placed so closely to the till?? All I wanna do is pay for petrol and I’m being HARASSED by seemingly innocent confections.
So WHAT if I just booked myself in for a blow dry because I can’t face the thoughts of washing my own hair?? What are you, the hygiene police??
This headache is interesting in that it’s been here all day and yet I haven’t tried to self medicate with caffeine (Coca Cola) or a 24 pack of Jaffa Cakes like I usually would. And by interesting of course I mean more TORTUROUS than a death wagon from hell.
I hate this. This is soul destroying. It better get better or I’m gonna end up on one of those reality shows where they have to airlift me from my bed because I’ll have gone rogue and eaten my way through Musgraves’ warehouse and every branch of Nandos in Ireland.
My mother just tried to speak to me there and I couldn’t even smile. This no sugar thing has wiped my personality chip, it seems.
I’M NOT ME anymore. I’m not entertaining, I’m boring. I can’t write. I can’t converse! WAS SUGAR THE SOURCE OF ALL MY POWER?!!

By now, I’m sure, this moaning has gotten to be too much for you all. No doubt you’re all clicking away, off looking at Blake Lively’s ill-conceived Gwyneth Paltrow imitation project or some new wholly inaccurate list on Buzzfeed. But if you’re still here, I beg of you. Send me some good thoughts. Send me some motivational mumbo-jumbo that you think might help. And failing that? Send me one of everything of the McDonalds Eurosaver menu. I’d be terribly grateful.

I’m going to sleep now. It’s 10pm and sleep is like a time machine to my next meal.
Adieu.

I’m HUNGRY

Why the beyond boring blogpost title, you ask? One tenuous link comin’ up…

Blake Lively launched her own ‘Goop’-eqsue website today called Preserve and for anyone about to google it to find out what the hell I’m on about, let me save you the hassle. It’s confusing and vague and pointless. But she does reference being hungry quite a lot in her editor’s letter. And while she, she tells us, is ‘hungry for experiences’ rather than ‘enchiladas’, (sorry there, what a spa. I don’t care if you’ve got princess hair) I my friends, am just plain HUNGRY right now. Allow me to explain.

Right, so I’m around a size 12. Or a ten on a great day, a 14 on a not-so-great day. I’ll be very honest and say that six days out of seven I find serious fault with the way I look. On the seventh day, I go absolutely biblical with the selfies to capture the moment where I didn’t feel like the back end of a (badly dressed) bus. People who only know me via the internet would most definitely pass me in the street because I do not look like my profile pictures. Any of them.

Anyway, where I’m going with this. I exercise a good bit, I do pretty intense weight training twice a week and always give 100% to it. I frequently lose my hearing/will to live during a session which my trainer can vouch for, and on more than one occasion I’ve gotten sick in my mouth a little. (Overshare?!)

But I don’t diet. My diet is pretty rotten, actually. I eat sugar like it’s going out of fashion. Fizzy drinks, complex carbs, chocolate, ice cream. You dream it, I’ll eat it. So while I know I have lots o’muscle going on, no one can see it properly because it’s bathed in Nutella and garlic mayonnaise. With that in mind, for the second time this year, I decided to go sugar-free. This time it’s a six week plan. I’m only on day one, and so far, it’s going terribly. Today at work was TOUGH. Please see exhibit A…

The madness that went through my mind as I sat at my desk today in no particular order…

Can’t wait for lunch, I’m absolutely hank marvin’. OH NO, SORRY. Take it back. Lunch is salad and salmon, without sauce and without joy.
Great, lunch has finally arrived. Make the best of it. Stay positive. You’re not even THAT hungry, like. *Lies, all lies*
Okay. This cherry tomato is delicious. I can do this. God I love red onion.
This salmon tastes like floor. How can fish taste like floor??!?
I’m bereft.
Have another glass of water. Your skin will look fantastic and sure it’s a hot day, you’ll be the most hydrated person ever. And if you need to pee 89 times… Well that’s just more exercise!
I might die.
I wonder will I have enough energy for the gym later if I eat like a rabbit today? Probably not. Maybe if I faint they’ll inject me with sugar to pep me back up?!
It’s only…. 116 hours until I can have a cheat meal. I wonder if they count five pizzas as one cheat meal?
I might just go have a little cry somewhere.
Why didn’t I clear my desk of all chocolately goodness yesterday before this eating clean thing began?? The Cadbury’s Giant Chocolate Buttons are staring at me, mocking me. They’re drawing me in. Maybe just one? NO. Stay strong.
But just ONE won’t hurt. YES IT WILL. You’re a weakling, woman. A weakling. You can’t go half a day without sugar. It controls you.
OMG sugar totally controls me. I’ve had a breakthrough.
I wish I could have some kind of sugary reward for arriving at my breakthrough, although that would probably be counterproductive.
I wonder if I just lick the chocolate would that ease my cravings?? What if some of the chocolate melted? Ooh. Wait hang on, that’s still eating sugar. Sh*t.
It’s fine. It’s 1.56pm. I can totally wait FOUR MORE DAYS to eat something I actually want.
I wish I had a chef. I wish I was a chef. I wish I was loaded and could just get lipo and be done with all this.
I have a headache. Chocolate would totally fix that, it’s like nature’s Panadol. Except it’s not from nature, it’s processed. Processed = bad. Sugar = bad. I love sugar.
ALL I WANT IN THE UNIVERSE IS A GOD DAMN CHOCOLATE BUTTON. Just the one. Once it’s a giant one. Covered in syrup and washed down with an ice cold can of Coca Cola.
I have to go lift very heavy weights for an hour now. And do planks, and row, and stay alive. Ah, ah, ah, ah, staying alive, staying alive… *Bee Gees medley continues unabated for a good three minutes until hunger hits to torture me afresh.*

I won’t be keeping you posted on my progress, because then I’ll only get the guilts when I break and eat an entire Lemon Meringue Pie in one sitting. You have no idea how hard it was just to TYPE that beautiful dessert. If you don’t hear from me, send four boxes of McVities Jaffa Cakes to….. That Girl That Looks Upset, First Floor, 334, Death Road, Hell. Ta.

Bye now.

Think What You Like

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