"I'm okay now."
...
...
"I forgive you."
...
...
"More important: I forgive myself."
...
...
...
These are things I want to say. Things I need to say. Perhaps the words are not mine to give, though. Perhaps, I am afraid that my sense of calm and peace will shatter simply speaking to this person--or seeing such a once-well-remembered face.
...
...
...
"I'm okay now."
...
...
I want to say it. I don't know if I ever will.
...
...
"Live a good life."
(The life I hope you will have. The life I am worried you will not be able to give yourself.)
...
...
"I forgive us both, and hope you do, too."
...
...
Good bye. Good bye. I hear it in the distance. I've been saying it for years.
...
...
"Take care..."
...
...
There nothing else to say. So much to say--but in the end, what are words? And so I am left with this feeling. It is empty, but it is peaceful. Do you feel it, too?
...
...
"Good bye."
...
...
"I forgive you."
...
...
"More important: I forgive myself."
...
...
...
These are things I want to say. Things I need to say. Perhaps the words are not mine to give, though. Perhaps, I am afraid that my sense of calm and peace will shatter simply speaking to this person--or seeing such a once-well-remembered face.
...
...
...
"I'm okay now."
...
...
I want to say it. I don't know if I ever will.
...
...
"Live a good life."
(The life I hope you will have. The life I am worried you will not be able to give yourself.)
...
...
"I forgive us both, and hope you do, too."
...
...
Good bye. Good bye. I hear it in the distance. I've been saying it for years.
...
...
"Take care..."
...
...
There nothing else to say. So much to say--but in the end, what are words? And so I am left with this feeling. It is empty, but it is peaceful. Do you feel it, too?
...
...
"Good bye."
- Current Music:the rain
***Xanth and Aara:
Aara had been shaking with rage, and blinded by tears when Xanth took her hand and led her away--to his room. It hadn't been enough that Kloe had been hurt--was seeking a cure. Anders still had to kill her. What was worse was Aara's hatred and rage wishing for his blood, warring with the hurt and anguish piercing her heart. Her shoulders slumped in defeat. She had not been able to save Kloe. She had failed as a friend and protector. The part that left her raw and aching was the knowledge that she couldn't do it--she could never harm Anders. Not even in revenge.
"No more death..."
The words came out a strangled sob, and still Aara could not see where Xanth was leading her.
"N-no more death." Slight sobs shook her form, and then Aara was gently pulled into Xanth's room. As soon as the door shut he had her in his arms, and Aara slumped against him, crying freely now. He soothed her. Held her. Tried to coax her into talking, if that was what she needed. Murmured quietly through the sharp stab of pain consuming her from the inside out.
Finally the tears ebbed, drying on Aara's cheeks. She pulled away a little and tried to smile for Xanth's concerned gaze.
"Can I... Can I stay here?" The words were hesitant. She whimpered. "I don't want to sleep on my own tonight."
Part of her knew Xanth would never turn her down. He had already said his room was open and welcome to her. It was with shaky fingers that she changed into some of Xanth's clothing while he had his back turned. It was with a quiet, shy hesitance that she slipped into his bed, tensing slightly when she wanted nothing more than to curl up into his side. Then his arm reached out to her, and Aara took that as all the prompting she needed. Burying her head in his shoulder, she curled around Xanth's form and drew his warmth into her tired and cold body. A shuddered sigh escaped, and then her eyes slipped closed.
"Thank you, Xanth..."
With him by her side, she was finally able to relax. She heard him murmur something to her. His hand moved gently over her, and finally she was able to sleep.
(LOL this was not 1-3 sentences. >.>)
vvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvv
***Anders and Chloe: Bros!
"You know, we’re not so different, you and I." Chloe stated the observation out of the blue, wondering if Anders would think the topic random.
A pause, and Chloe sneaks a peek Anders’ way and grins at the wry tilt noticeable in the corner of his lips.
"What, we’re both persecuted mages trying to find justice in the wrong-doings of others, while templars try to turn us into tranquils for fear we will all turn into abominations?"
Pressing her lips together, Chloe seriously had to fight not to smile. She knew Anders fought for a cause he thought was just. She also knew what destruction could come from persecuting others, and hoped Anders would be able to change his world before there was all-out genocide. Unless it was already too late.
"No."
She paused, looking out over the night as her gaze strayed back to the forest.
"We both come from worlds where people fear us--and our power--yes. What I meant was that we share something even more important."
Chloe bit her lip, taking a deep breath.
"We have them."
Her chin jutted in the direction of the forest, and she knew Anders had to be able to guess her meaning. Derek. Alex. Acceptance. Love.
Family.
She leaned against him, a slight smile on her face as she let him think about that for a moment.
"It’s kind of nice, having a werewolf for a boyfriend, isn’t it?" She smirked a little. "Even if they do seem to always go looking for trouble."
A small laugh.
"I suppose we can’t complain. Trouble seems to find us all the time."
She stayed silent again, looking out over the forest and gazing up at the full moon overhead.
"Huh. Another thing we have in common."
The last thing she was aware of was falling asleep, leaning against him. Odd, since she had thought to comfort him, tonight. She never heard Anders’ sigh as he moved to put an arm around her, situating her so she would be more comfortable without slipping off his shoulder and cracking her skull on the stone of the Keep. She never saw the rueful curl of his lips as he shook his head in thought.
Aara had been shaking with rage, and blinded by tears when Xanth took her hand and led her away--to his room. It hadn't been enough that Kloe had been hurt--was seeking a cure. Anders still had to kill her. What was worse was Aara's hatred and rage wishing for his blood, warring with the hurt and anguish piercing her heart. Her shoulders slumped in defeat. She had not been able to save Kloe. She had failed as a friend and protector. The part that left her raw and aching was the knowledge that she couldn't do it--she could never harm Anders. Not even in revenge.
"No more death..."
The words came out a strangled sob, and still Aara could not see where Xanth was leading her.
"N-no more death." Slight sobs shook her form, and then Aara was gently pulled into Xanth's room. As soon as the door shut he had her in his arms, and Aara slumped against him, crying freely now. He soothed her. Held her. Tried to coax her into talking, if that was what she needed. Murmured quietly through the sharp stab of pain consuming her from the inside out.
Finally the tears ebbed, drying on Aara's cheeks. She pulled away a little and tried to smile for Xanth's concerned gaze.
"Can I... Can I stay here?" The words were hesitant. She whimpered. "I don't want to sleep on my own tonight."
Part of her knew Xanth would never turn her down. He had already said his room was open and welcome to her. It was with shaky fingers that she changed into some of Xanth's clothing while he had his back turned. It was with a quiet, shy hesitance that she slipped into his bed, tensing slightly when she wanted nothing more than to curl up into his side. Then his arm reached out to her, and Aara took that as all the prompting she needed. Burying her head in his shoulder, she curled around Xanth's form and drew his warmth into her tired and cold body. A shuddered sigh escaped, and then her eyes slipped closed.
"Thank you, Xanth..."
With him by her side, she was finally able to relax. She heard him murmur something to her. His hand moved gently over her, and finally she was able to sleep.
(LOL this was not 1-3 sentences. >.>)
vvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvv
***Anders and Chloe: Bros!
"You know, we’re not so different, you and I." Chloe stated the observation out of the blue, wondering if Anders would think the topic random.
A pause, and Chloe sneaks a peek Anders’ way and grins at the wry tilt noticeable in the corner of his lips.
"What, we’re both persecuted mages trying to find justice in the wrong-doings of others, while templars try to turn us into tranquils for fear we will all turn into abominations?"
Pressing her lips together, Chloe seriously had to fight not to smile. She knew Anders fought for a cause he thought was just. She also knew what destruction could come from persecuting others, and hoped Anders would be able to change his world before there was all-out genocide. Unless it was already too late.
"No."
She paused, looking out over the night as her gaze strayed back to the forest.
"We both come from worlds where people fear us--and our power--yes. What I meant was that we share something even more important."
Chloe bit her lip, taking a deep breath.
"We have them."
Her chin jutted in the direction of the forest, and she knew Anders had to be able to guess her meaning. Derek. Alex. Acceptance. Love.
Family.
She leaned against him, a slight smile on her face as she let him think about that for a moment.
"It’s kind of nice, having a werewolf for a boyfriend, isn’t it?" She smirked a little. "Even if they do seem to always go looking for trouble."
A small laugh.
"I suppose we can’t complain. Trouble seems to find us all the time."
She stayed silent again, looking out over the forest and gazing up at the full moon overhead.
"Huh. Another thing we have in common."
The last thing she was aware of was falling asleep, leaning against him. Odd, since she had thought to comfort him, tonight. She never heard Anders’ sigh as he moved to put an arm around her, situating her so she would be more comfortable without slipping off his shoulder and cracking her skull on the stone of the Keep. She never saw the rueful curl of his lips as he shook his head in thought.
Plan for today:
Finish application
Plan the rest of my plot for NaNo
Read more of the Emperor Mage
Write meme with friends
Finish Fieran's icons
Work on second application
And play sims! :D
Most of this stuff will have to be done after three a.m. Because I work the dreaded closing shift. Ugh. Oh well!
Finish application
Plan the rest of my plot for NaNo
Read more of the Emperor Mage
Write meme with friends
Finish Fieran's icons
Work on second application
And play sims! :D
Most of this stuff will have to be done after three a.m. Because I work the dreaded closing shift. Ugh. Oh well!
I just realized I haven't been on here in... a long while. Wow. I don't know what I am feeling, looking back at these entries. I miss it. Miss not being up to date in your guys' lives. At the same time... role play hasn't been something I've craved doing in so long. It's weird. I thought in the past that I might be addicted my whole life. I guess... certain things aren't as addicting for me as I first assumed. Good to know, I suppose.
I miss disneyland, and having awesome character interactions, however. I do love going to cons, but it's been so long since my last one. And costumes are expensive to put together. Augh. such stress, and such fun. Cons are usually worth it in the end, but now... it seems as though only a bit of me is sad, and regrets not going to them. Not planning on going. :(
I have a job for the summer. Part of it, at least. Money will be really tight, but I think I will survive. Annie is gone on an internship all summer, so I am worried about her and Ghandi. At least they get to see each other again, and can visit one another if they really feel the urge. I feel lost without Bri. She was my sanity. My rock. My ONE friend I never butt heads with. Rational, kind, giving, and understanding. It's funny, how when friends grow distant, or seem to vanish, it takes you a while to note the gaping hole missing from you. When you think about all the parts you lack, however, you want them back. I keep thinking of the friends I will lose by the end of June. Moving. Gone back to Portland. In Bri's case, gone to California, Europe, and then will be living on the east coast.
I'm a fan of the internet. Truly I am. Talking on-line, keeping in touch--I'm not very good at it. But I want to strive to be better. And I believe I can be better than I was when I moved in middle school. I've grown a lot since then. I'm independent, and even if I don't know where I'll end up in the next year, I know I have friends I can count on--and a place to stay on the east coast if I ever desperately need. it. Haha. How I will get OUT there... is another question entirely.
I guess I feel lonely, even in knowing I am not alone. I have friends. I have the internet and texting to keep in touch. It's just--EACH of my closest friends are different, and provide something different that I cherish deeply. My roommates hate being touched. My friend, Hoobie, is staying with me and Ghandi this summer, and she CAN'T be touched. EVER. So when I am used to having girls' nights and sleepovers in little PJs, with back rubs and dog-piles... I'm going to miss it. I am going to miss my deep connections with these people I am used to seeing practically EVERY day.
Whenever I was lost, or upset, I knew I could call Bri. She stayed up all hours of the night. I could pick her up, and we would drive around the town at all hours of the night, talking about everything or nothing at all. We would plot stories and grand adventures. Soon my mood would be uplifted and happy and FULL. I need that. I need HER. Sometimes... especially if you're in a place you sometimes question whether or not you truly BELONG... that feeling of being filled... is the BEST feeling in the world. I have it at times with all my friends, some more than others, but each friend is someone I cherish. I remember memories as a WHOLE, not just the last moments when a fight took place, or where we slowly lost touch. I remember ALL the moments we EVER had. And I cherish them. Because friendship is forever, so long as both people are earnest and heartfelt about it. With love, and respect, and everything in-between.
I've already cried so much. I don't want to cry anymore. I just... wish life wasn't full of so many feelings of loss. Because these precious friendships AREN'T lost to me. Heh. I keep telling myself no one is dying. Perhaps, having dealt with the death of a friend, recently, that makes this transition tougher than it aught to be. Death is so final. Only memories remain. I have to keep holding onto the hope that I'll have the chance to form more happy memories with my loved ones. If I don't, I am surely lost already.
But how can one exist when one feels as though he or she is being pulled in so many different directions?
I miss disneyland, and having awesome character interactions, however. I do love going to cons, but it's been so long since my last one. And costumes are expensive to put together. Augh. such stress, and such fun. Cons are usually worth it in the end, but now... it seems as though only a bit of me is sad, and regrets not going to them. Not planning on going. :(
I have a job for the summer. Part of it, at least. Money will be really tight, but I think I will survive. Annie is gone on an internship all summer, so I am worried about her and Ghandi. At least they get to see each other again, and can visit one another if they really feel the urge. I feel lost without Bri. She was my sanity. My rock. My ONE friend I never butt heads with. Rational, kind, giving, and understanding. It's funny, how when friends grow distant, or seem to vanish, it takes you a while to note the gaping hole missing from you. When you think about all the parts you lack, however, you want them back. I keep thinking of the friends I will lose by the end of June. Moving. Gone back to Portland. In Bri's case, gone to California, Europe, and then will be living on the east coast.
I'm a fan of the internet. Truly I am. Talking on-line, keeping in touch--I'm not very good at it. But I want to strive to be better. And I believe I can be better than I was when I moved in middle school. I've grown a lot since then. I'm independent, and even if I don't know where I'll end up in the next year, I know I have friends I can count on--and a place to stay on the east coast if I ever desperately need. it. Haha. How I will get OUT there... is another question entirely.
I guess I feel lonely, even in knowing I am not alone. I have friends. I have the internet and texting to keep in touch. It's just--EACH of my closest friends are different, and provide something different that I cherish deeply. My roommates hate being touched. My friend, Hoobie, is staying with me and Ghandi this summer, and she CAN'T be touched. EVER. So when I am used to having girls' nights and sleepovers in little PJs, with back rubs and dog-piles... I'm going to miss it. I am going to miss my deep connections with these people I am used to seeing practically EVERY day.
Whenever I was lost, or upset, I knew I could call Bri. She stayed up all hours of the night. I could pick her up, and we would drive around the town at all hours of the night, talking about everything or nothing at all. We would plot stories and grand adventures. Soon my mood would be uplifted and happy and FULL. I need that. I need HER. Sometimes... especially if you're in a place you sometimes question whether or not you truly BELONG... that feeling of being filled... is the BEST feeling in the world. I have it at times with all my friends, some more than others, but each friend is someone I cherish. I remember memories as a WHOLE, not just the last moments when a fight took place, or where we slowly lost touch. I remember ALL the moments we EVER had. And I cherish them. Because friendship is forever, so long as both people are earnest and heartfelt about it. With love, and respect, and everything in-between.
I've already cried so much. I don't want to cry anymore. I just... wish life wasn't full of so many feelings of loss. Because these precious friendships AREN'T lost to me. Heh. I keep telling myself no one is dying. Perhaps, having dealt with the death of a friend, recently, that makes this transition tougher than it aught to be. Death is so final. Only memories remain. I have to keep holding onto the hope that I'll have the chance to form more happy memories with my loved ones. If I don't, I am surely lost already.
But how can one exist when one feels as though he or she is being pulled in so many different directions?
Hawaii was a ton of fun. Plane rides... not so much. But being in Hawaii... definitely something I want to do over again. And again. And again. ;D
The weather was beautiful and perfect. Yes, there were a few gray moments and a few moments of sprinkling (warm) rain, but they lasted for a mere minute before the sun was out again. Poor Annie got majorly sunburned all along her back, Ghandi got a little sunburned, and then I got the smallest few burns of all--but they were still quite noticeable and hurt like heck for two days or so. I think I mostly tanned, which is nice.
The stores there are amazing and the food is absolutely scrumptious~! I think I got a Kahlua Pork sandwich EVERY DAY. I had amazing pineapple soft serve that I should have gotten more of, and their kona coffee is the best coffee I have had in my life. Homigosh, you don't know. Apparently there is already a bit of chocolate mixed into it. Mmm. I have a whole bag. Ohmnomnom. There was an amazing International Market located between our hotel and the beach, where we could eat almost anything our hearts desired, for a relatively nice price. That was a major find, I'll say. Had ramen curry, pad thai, and enchiladas for lunches at random points. Or dinner. Or second dinner. (Admits it, happily.) Our time zone was so far off we were used to eating lunch when we finally got up and about, ate dinner between two and four, and then had second dinner around nine or so. It was mightily epic.
The beach and snorkeling were amazing. Seeing fish about the size of my head, nearly two inches from my head, was quite the experience! Ooh! And boogie-boarding is one of my absolute favorite past-times, now! I wish I could do it every day! It is utterly exhausting, but if I could keep it up, I would be sooooo incredibly fit, I can't even imagine! Haha. Mm, doing things would have been more fun in a bigger group, or if all of us could do things at the same time, but you live you learn, and you compromise. Next time I go, I'll be more prepared in every manner of speaking. I'll also be sure I have more money I can spend. Haha! Vacations are expensive.
The weather was beautiful and perfect. Yes, there were a few gray moments and a few moments of sprinkling (warm) rain, but they lasted for a mere minute before the sun was out again. Poor Annie got majorly sunburned all along her back, Ghandi got a little sunburned, and then I got the smallest few burns of all--but they were still quite noticeable and hurt like heck for two days or so. I think I mostly tanned, which is nice.
The stores there are amazing and the food is absolutely scrumptious~! I think I got a Kahlua Pork sandwich EVERY DAY. I had amazing pineapple soft serve that I should have gotten more of, and their kona coffee is the best coffee I have had in my life. Homigosh, you don't know. Apparently there is already a bit of chocolate mixed into it. Mmm. I have a whole bag. Ohmnomnom. There was an amazing International Market located between our hotel and the beach, where we could eat almost anything our hearts desired, for a relatively nice price. That was a major find, I'll say. Had ramen curry, pad thai, and enchiladas for lunches at random points. Or dinner. Or second dinner. (Admits it, happily.) Our time zone was so far off we were used to eating lunch when we finally got up and about, ate dinner between two and four, and then had second dinner around nine or so. It was mightily epic.
The beach and snorkeling were amazing. Seeing fish about the size of my head, nearly two inches from my head, was quite the experience! Ooh! And boogie-boarding is one of my absolute favorite past-times, now! I wish I could do it every day! It is utterly exhausting, but if I could keep it up, I would be sooooo incredibly fit, I can't even imagine! Haha. Mm, doing things would have been more fun in a bigger group, or if all of us could do things at the same time, but you live you learn, and you compromise. Next time I go, I'll be more prepared in every manner of speaking. I'll also be sure I have more money I can spend. Haha! Vacations are expensive.
So... I have lost weight, I just don't know how much. I fit into a size seven now, for which I am oh so happy about... but I still want to be skinnier. ^^;; I still feel like I'm more hefty than most people I see, anyway. Part of it could be my mentality. I do hope I'll see myself sometime and be like: "Is that really me?! I look that good?!" Haha. Now I'm flustering myself. Anyway, it's probably hard to see changes in oneself when you slowly get used to the small changes every day.
I ordered this gorgeous dress on-line that I really want to look good in. My mantra to myself as I work out is 'little black dress, little back dress.' Now that I think about it, it should probably be 'bikini, bikini, bikini.' Eep!
I'm eating a bit healthier, working out almost every day, and still allow myself ice cream and other delicious things once in a while, so I don't feel like I'm punishing myself. Hmm... what else? I don't know. I'm just glad I'm finally doing something for myself these days. I know I can reach my goals, because I did it once before in time for my senior pictures. Maybe with this new bout of discipline, I'll be able to make myself actually write and reach for my dreams again.
I ordered this gorgeous dress on-line that I really want to look good in. My mantra to myself as I work out is 'little black dress, little back dress.' Now that I think about it, it should probably be 'bikini, bikini, bikini.' Eep!
I'm eating a bit healthier, working out almost every day, and still allow myself ice cream and other delicious things once in a while, so I don't feel like I'm punishing myself. Hmm... what else? I don't know. I'm just glad I'm finally doing something for myself these days. I know I can reach my goals, because I did it once before in time for my senior pictures. Maybe with this new bout of discipline, I'll be able to make myself actually write and reach for my dreams again.
I want to wear sexy and/or classy clothing~.
I want to lose weight so I can feel good about myself and wear clothes that don't quite look that great on me, yet.
I want to do more exercise than what I do every/every other day.
I want to be better motivated at getting things done, and doing things that could potentially broaden my future.
I want to save up money.
I want to travel forever.
I want to learn more delicious (and healthy) recipes.
Aaaand... I've felt like I was about to throw up ever since the end of my shift, soooo, I think it's time to go lie down.
I want to lose weight so I can feel good about myself and wear clothes that don't quite look that great on me, yet.
I want to do more exercise than what I do every/every other day.
I want to be better motivated at getting things done, and doing things that could potentially broaden my future.
I want to save up money.
I want to travel forever.
I want to learn more delicious (and healthy) recipes.
Aaaand... I've felt like I was about to throw up ever since the end of my shift, soooo, I think it's time to go lie down.
Comments
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aMzgVshG6CI
...holy HELL WOMAN. THAT ICON.
<33333
Not AS smutty as I actually intended, but I really like it, too. I can totally picture their adventures together. Hahaha.