blogging gobbledygook and such

a change is gonna come

October 30, 2010

from three or four blog posts a week to once a month. i’m really not sulz anymore, am i? lol.

something happened recently that i felt like i ought to write it down here. something life-changing…

i disconnected my internet connection at home.

did anyone gasp? never mind, i shall do the honours.

gasp!

yes, you might be asking – why?

my ten-year-old computer finally broke down. to be exact, the monitor conked out – everything else still works fine. well, everything that’s necessary to connect me to the net anyway. i’ve stopped saving files long ago since the d drive crashed. but i figured it’s time to get a nifty laptop rather than replace the monitor.

however, i decided not to get a laptop just yet because i want to take my time to shop around for a good deal. besides, i can do almost everything i want to do online at the office. i can go to facebook, do online shopping, chat, visit most sites… except play facebook games and surf porn. 😦 kidding about the latter!

so, with that, i decided to quit the facebook games i play cold turkey. it’s a pretty big step for me ‘cos i play them about an hour at least every day without fail. but i think it’s time to move on from this phase.

since i can get my internet fix from the office and i am subscribing to mobile internet, i figured i don’t really need broadband at home right now. i find myself quite restless these days as i suffer from withdrawal symptoms but i’ve been keeping myself occupied with dvds and books and friends.

also, i’m most likely getting a new car by the end of the year, hopefully. yes, another big change!

my current car – which some faithful readers and personal friends might have seen – was good when it was working fine. these days, it’s pretty much on its last breath. the radiator is shot so i can’t leave the car idle for too long, otherwise it will overheat. which means i cannot afford to get stuck in traffic jams! and traffic congestion is pretty much expected in any city in the world so it’s getting quite ridiculous, the way i drive like a maniac sometimes to make sure i reach the office before the car overheats. i’m guilty of using the emergency lanes to cut the slow-moving traffic because of this problem.

i haven’t actually done anything to make my laptop and car purchases yet but i will get the ball rolling soon… as soon as i return from my vacation. yeap, i’m going on vacation next weekend and i’m looking forward to it.

when i come back, i might just tell you more about it. 😉

Category:

Personal

4 Comments

Fighting my demons

September 16, 2010

An office colleague has lent me her Buffy the Vampire Slayer dvds and i’ve been watching it daily like some teen horror soap opera. Which it is, in a way.

Anyway, as with all protagonists who fight evil, buffy finds it hard to conceal her secret identity. In the show, the friends who know have come to accept it and become part of her scooby gang.

I don’t have any superpowers, but i can relate to Buffy when it comes to fighting demons. Except that my demons are personal. Well, she has her personal ones too, but the ones that really requires her commitment are more of the threat to Sunnydale and ultimately mankind sort of demons.

As i was saying, my personal demons. We all have them and for the most part, we hide it. Sometimes, i really want them hidden, repressed. Other times, i wish i were brave enough to open up and reveal these demons. But almost always, i don’t. Fear of being rejected, not being understood always kept that desire in check.

A few weeks ago, i had a fight with a friend. In the course of the fight, some of my inner demons were revealed. My friend did not understand them. And i was crushed.

I just want to be accepted in spite of my inner demons. But i guess it’s not fair to ask for acceptance from someone who doesn’t understand them, nor wants to.

Buffy may have to save the world over and over again, but she has friends to help her fight those demons, universal and personal. If i were Buffy, i think it’s worth having to go through shit like that with friends like that.

Because not having to go through the bad stuff in life all by yourself, it’s a weight off your shoulders. You know they’ve got your back and you have theirs. I think life is more comforting when you get to share everything with people you care about… And care about you too.

Meanwhile, i fight most of my inner demons myself. Until i can find someone who understands them.

Sent from my Nokia 6760 slide

Category:

Personal

6 Comments

i’ve been bad with my blog.

August 22, 2010

and i’m sorry. well, i know i’m not obliged write anything if i don’t feel like it but if there’s anyone who is still checking bloggerdygook occasionally then i’d feel bad there’s nothing new for the past few weeks. don’t worry, i haven’t been kidnapped by the older friends haha. somehow don’t feel the need to share things in my life.

but i should. not so much for your curious eyes but for me to read this in the future, so that i remember what i was going through at this point in time. nothing bad has happened, though nothing particularly good has happened either. still enjoying my job, though there are some things i dislike about it but i just grit my teeth and get them over with. still enjoying hanging out with my colleagues – i feel comfortable enough to be my zany self but not to the point i would open up with really personal stuff. i think that kind of stuff is best told to people who aren’t working with you.

like ex-college mates. i keep in touch with the usual three. i also still hang out with two ex-school mates every now and then. and there’s the ex-colleagues from the bookshop, with whom i can have lunch anytime cos all i have to do is pop by the place. and every now and then i meet up with a friend who’s a book lover like i am, and i borrow books from this person. there’s also my former language teacher who i meet up every month or so because she lives near my former workplace.

so all in all, i am loving my social life. i have many small circle of friends and i hope it will stay like this for a long time more.

i don’t go out all that often though, that said. i need to save up because i’m going on a vacation to bali at the end of the year! if i’m not out, i’ll be at home devouring more books. i try to read half a dozen books every month.

what else, what else… i feel quite empty in my head. i loved that i use to write my innermost thoughts here. why did that have to change? these days i feel as if i have no opinion. and if i do i don’t feel like sharing them here. and even if i wanted to i’d have forgotten by the time i start typing and talk about drivel like the above. but hey, it’s my drivel so…

i guess i would like to be a better blogger but i just don’t have the passion anymore. usually, when i’m feeling like this in the past, i would announce a break in blogging or a ‘i quit’ kind of post. but i won’t do that now, not because i think i will get my mojo back some day but because i don’t have to be the blogger i used to be. i just need to figure out how to fit this blog into my life now in such a way that it fulfills a certain aspect of me and not just there because it has been there for so long. if you get what i mean. i’m not sure what nonsense i write about sometimes!

Category:

Friends, Random, Thoughts

3 Comments

old friends

July 28, 2010

(before i start, isn’t it a coincidence that this month’s posts all fall on the 8th? 8th, 18th, 28th…)

my new job (well, it will be my third month in august) teaches me many things every day. i’m also getting to know new people, mostly from my department which has about 20 of us perhaps? but we work in shifts so it’s not all 20 of us each day.

i think a part of us changes when we go through a new experience. it feels like this new job is slowly changing me. i know new people and i’m doing new things at this new place.

one thing i did that stuck out the most to me was that i had a drink after work at the bar near my office. on the surface, it seemed like i was having drinks with two old men (who are my colleagues from the same department).

let me explain that picture. i’m no prude, i do have drinks on an occasion, but so far it’s only with close girlfriends. so the fact i’m having a drink is not unusual. it’s the two old men that may make the picture seem a little wrong, if you knew me in person.

if you knew me in person, you’d know my circle of friends is largely made up of the same sex as i am. i’m not uncomfortable with the opposite sex. it just so happens that in all my previous jobs, there were more women than men. and i didn’t exactly stay long enough to keep in touch with any of them, save the bookshop ex-colleagues.

if you knew me in person, the sight of me laughing and drinking with two old men (old enough to be my father) might seem strange to you and might warrant some questions like:

– why is she hanging out with old men?
– do they have any hidden motives for wanting to drink with her?

before i answer those questions, i must admit i do feel a twinge of awkwardness for hanging out with these two colleagues. not because i don’t want to hang out with them but because of what people might think when they see me with them. (yes, yes, i know i should give a flying fuck about what people think of me just as long as my conscience is clear. let me get to the point first.) i don’t want people thinking that i’m one of those girls – the kind that dates or hangs out with old men because they’re loaded.

now, to answer the questions:

– i hang out with them because one, they’re my colleagues and two, they’re people whose company i enjoy.
– i don’t know if they have hidden motives but they have been nothing but gentlemen towards me and my other female colleagues (though one of them has a reputation for hanging out with other girls my age). i think that deserves the benefit of the doubt if anything.

but really, does it matter that i enjoy the company of two men who are old enough to be my father? perhaps if you don’t know me that well you might question our relationship. but i know me and i like to be around people that i can talk to and tease and gossip and enjoy a bit of fun. they may be old on the outside, but on the inside they are about as young as i am in some ways.

i know about wolves in sheeps’ clothing, and i know my limit when it comes to drinking (two and i get tipsy, haha) and the dangers of spiked drinks. perhaps time might prove my naivete of this friendship. or maybe they are genuine people. my naivete likes to think the latter is the case.

Category:

Friends

6 Comments

must be funny, in a rich man’s world.

July 18, 2010

this month, money is tight for me. so tight that i did not pay my student loan and only paid part of my flight ticket to bali to my friend while i will pay the rest next month. i find that i spend a lot on food, so i’ve started writing down what i spend for dinner at work so that i would ‘guilt’ myself into choosing a cheaper option the next time. it’s not really working so far ‘cos food is expensive where i work. i miss my former workplace (not the bookshop) where i could get a cheap and delicious vegetarian meal for less than rm5.

the other day, i thought to myself, sure, it’s not fun taking a pay cut but i was glad that i was not earning too much that the pay cut was too drastic. theoretically, the pay cut is not that much, but at the bookshop i was doing a lot of overtime so in the end i brought home an ‘inflated’ paycheck back then. here, i have not started doing overtime yet so i’m taking home the minimal paycheck.

(actually, i am more glad that i did not let money issues get in the way of me accepting this job, because i enjoy doing the jigsaw puzzle these days, if you know what i mean. and that it means i don’t hold money so highly that it gets in the way of what i think could make me happy. but money makes me happy too. sometimes.)

yesterday, a family member was rueing our financial issues and now i feel bad about my smaller paycheck. i went out with a friend for a book spree and lunch but what that person said ruined the day for me and i did not truly enjoy the trip. i felt guilty for indulging myself (though in reality i spent less than rm10 for the 3 books i bought because i had some book vouchers) when i keep telling my family that i’m broke this month. i had some car troubles yet again and they’ve footed the bill, which might explain their money grouses.

i like this job. i’m learning good things from good people who have so far been nothing but good to me. i like that i’m not too ‘in love’ with this job that i can really enjoy my days off without worrying and have more free time at the moment to catch up on my reading. but with more free time comes the itch to do activities which requires more money. and sadly i’m in that zone where i have to think twice before i take out money from my purse. and the feeling sucks. not funny at all.

Category:

Work

8 Comments

Motivation – or rather, the lack of it.

July 8, 2010

I am right now lying in my bed and typing this blog post on my mobile phone. I could use the computer downstairs, which would typing quicker and easier, but i am not. Why? I am not sure. Even though i have a tab in my browser that is opened to this blog, i have no desire to log in. And if i do, i would probably read what is on blog surfer before logging out eventually.

Why do i not feel like blogging? That i have to resort to doing it from my mobile, simply because it seems less like so?

(by the way, the lack of updates recently was because i am expecting a piece of news first but the news has not arrived. Then i thought of the idea for this post.)

and it is not just blogging either. There are many things i am neglecting at the moment. It is not like i am swamped with work. Now i only work 8 hours a day, so i generally have more time than i did with my previous job.

I am neglecting those things, yet i keep coming back to the same activities, like reading, Facebooking and online window shopping. Reading is fine, that is the one indulgence i approve. Facebooking is like mental junk food – nice to have but not nutritious in large doses. I think i spent about 8 hours on average a day, since i can access it from work too. Gah, now that i have put that thought into words it does seem ridiculous, doesn’t it? And online shopping… Maybe 3 hours a day. Gak!

Sigh. What motivates me to do all these ‘junk food’ activities? I need to do more ‘oatmeal’ kinds. Like writing that damn story, or losing that paunch, or clearing my closet and books.

Sent from my Nokia 6760 slide

Category:

Rants

1 Comment