blogging gobbledygook and such

what i want right now

1. more money

2. to fit uk10 clothes

3. to be able to actually talk to someone who actually cares about me and whom i actually care about

4. to be brave enough to face my fears

5. to feel good about myself again

but see, i don’t deserve to get what i want. it’s easy to whine about what’s lacking in my life, but if i’m not going to do anything to change that, then it sure as hell ain’t gonna happen.

what’s the point of this post? i’m not sure.

you’re free to lecture me, but don’t expect a response. because if scolding myself doesn’t work, what makes you think your words will have any impact?

nothing better to do

literally. work has finished and now i’m waiting for my overtime shift to kick in. i’m feeling much better after my outburst in the previous post. chatting with a colleague from another department. listening to music on youtube. watched the green hornet this morning. after going to bed at 3am. then back to work at 4pm after lunch after the movie. i’ll finish work at 2am and then it’s my day off. hoping to finish the richard branson autobiography i’ve been reading. maybe borrow more dvds from the rental shop later. and an old friend is supposed to come visiting for chinese new year. oh i’m supposed to renew my driving licence soon. and i’ve been meaning to clear out my former computer table for months, gah. yes, i suppose this is just me spewing whatever’s in my head at the moment cos i really have nothing better to do!

okay, let’s try to salvage this post so you wouldn’t have wasted the time reading this drivel. hmm… i’m going on a day trip to genting highlands in two weeks’ time, i’m quite looking forward to that. my last trip there was six years ago so i want to visit the theme parks and sit on all the good rides and eat ice cream even though i’ll be really cold up there.

erm… before my trip to penang, something happened that i’m quite ashamed of. i’m not going to tell the story today (i’m sort of hoping when i read back this entry in the future i would forget what i’m talking about now but perhaps i shouldn’t forget) but i want to jot down how i feel on that fateful night. i was pretty scared, of course, thinking of the consequences. i thought there was no way out until one was offered. it was something i’ve heard of but it never occurred to me that i would be one of the people who would do it. i mean, you hear people doing all sorts of crazy stuff – immoral or illegal or incomprehensible – and i thought i was above this because i wouldn’t land myself in such a situation. but somehow i did and i discovered that night i’m no better than those people. nowadays, i’m paranoid it would happen again and i get that uneasy feeling at that time of night.

okay now i’ve probably got you irritated because you’re curious to know what happened that night. and all because i have nothing better to do! 😛

the seeds of discontent

unhappiness from the boredom of routine and frustration of certain people at work is beginning to get me down. i don’t want to and i won’t leave my job but thinking about this makes me feel lower than i’ve been in a while. i know i have a lot to learn with this job, but it feels as if certain people expect me to know more than i actually do. i suppose this is all part of life’s lessons, but damn it’s real hard to swallow sometimes.

a couple of weeks ago i went to vacation in penang. it was my first time there and i enjoyed it tremendously with my travel buddy. i managed to score a free hotel voucher so we stayed at the holiday inn by the beach free of charge, which was extra sweet. the five-hour bus ride wasn’t, though!

one might think a trip like that would’ve refreshed my spirits, a break from the work routine. instead, the past few days has left me feeling very negative and down in the dumps. mostly, it’s to do with certain issues going on at work. i haven’t confided in anyone about it (except here in the blog, part of it). maybe keeping all the negative feelings inside is affecting me.

i don’t dare to talk to colleagues at work about it because it feels like i’m admitting a weakness. i’m not saying i put up an image of perfection there, but it seems like everybody is happy and doing well at work. i don’t want to feel inadequate. though i am actually feeling so, aren’t i?

i just have to go through this personal storm and hopefully i will come out of it quick and be in a better place than i am right now.

working off some steam

if there’s one thing i hate about my job, it’s you. my heart sinks when i see on the roster that you are working on the same days as i am. i hate it when you ignore me, pass me over for the others whom you trust better not to screw up. even if they have not been working here as long as i have. nobody knows, but when possible i would change my roster so that i would not be working when you are. i just hate sitting at my desk, doing nothing, because you refuse to give me any. you are not the kind of person one could sit and talk it out with, so i don’t know how to let you know that i’m wondering what do i have to do in order for you to get over your bias against me? you make me feel stupid, incompetent and inconsequential, all without you having to say a word. your actions insinuate that enough. the others never make me feel like this, just you. i wish you could let go of the past and give me some credit. i can’t promise i won’t ever screw up while on your watch, but how will i ever learn if you won’t give me shit to do?

looking back in retrospect

made some big purchases this year. new mobile phone, trip to bali, my sweet ride. (i call her pearl, by the way. pretty obvious reason if you think about it for, like, two seconds.)

added the car loan on top of the study loan. i’m making a vow now not to take on any other kind of loan until i settle one of them.

changed jobs, again – hopefully for the last time in a while. i’m into the seventh month with the current job but this time, no cold feet itching to run away again. with all the loans i have, that’s good to know! as in previous posts, i cannot say enough about how much there is to like about this job. i’ll recap: great hours, paid overtime, good colleagues, tonnes to learn, lots of benefits. it took me three jobs to land this one, so i’m definitely holding on tight to it.

lost some friends, gained some friends, kept some friends. the ones i’ve lost are like books which i’ve returned to the library, gone and were never mine to begin with, because if i really wanted them i’d have gone to the bookstore to get a copy, know what i mean? not that i’m relating friendship with books one can buy from a shop. the ones in my life now, i am glad for and will try my best to keep them in my shelf of friends.

lost a couple of old junks – the ten-year-old hand-me-down computer and the fifteen-year-old family car. because i used most of my savings to put a downpayment for the car, i decided a laptop is not on the list of priorities now so i pulled the plug off the broadband subscription. save for the mobile, i am internet-less at home and to compensate i’ve been watching lots of dvds. buffy the vampire slayer, angel, sex and the city, bones, ugly betty. as a result…

i’m packing on the pounds! an eight-to-ten-hour desk job plus dvds is the perfect recipe to weight gain. i never realised how much the bookshop job made me do physically until i left it. while i knew at the back of my mind that it was more exerting physically than the usual desk job, it never felt like it was keeping me fit because i still felt that i was fat! then again, i always feel fat and then when i look back at older pictures i realised i was thinner then (but not thin) and wish i was that ‘thin’ again! the evil cycle of fat.

i have not been reading as much as i would like of late, thanks to those darn addictive dvds. it’s getting hard for me to find good, gripping reads. when i reread some books from my bookshelves, i found them far less than enjoyable than i remembered. thankfully, there were a few which i loved reading as i did the first time and some even more.

had a fabulous trip to bali. though i wanted to go to hong kong, no regrets about visiting bali. well, okay, i had a lot of regrets – shopping wise! wished i bought more stuff and wished i had thought of starting my christmas shopping there. but travelling makes me realise how much of the world out there i have yet to see and this makes me motivated to earn more money so i can visit all those exotic spots. how did i ever survive on so little money before i joined the workforce? it’s almost incomprehensible.

what about me as a person? have i achieved anything the past year? i didn’t achieve inner peace, i didn’t find any new love (pearl an exception), much less the love of my life, i didn’t accept my fatty self, i didn’t improve on my temper… you get the drift. i don’t feel like i’ve changed.

and yet, i have changed. for the better or worse? a bit of both, perhaps.

Enjoying what i’ve got

Time for another monthly update.

Went on my vacation to bali, had a blast and some regrets (all of them shopping related), came back and had a good long rest and now back to the daily grind.

Except that it’s not really a grind to me. 🙂

my life these days is pretty simple. When working, i work and fulfil my computer needs there – facebook, e-mail, online shopping, reading subscribed feeds.

When not working, i read, watch a whole lot of dvds (now that i discovered a video rental store near my home), play with the kids, dinner or movie with close friends.

That’s all there is to my life at the moment. Before, my life was almost the same like this but i somehow never felt contented. I wished i had a boyfriend, i wished i had more money, i wished i had more friends…

Okay, not that i don’t want all those now – of course i do, it’s natural – but i don’t brood about how i don’t have them as much now. Last time, i felt like i wasn’t good enough a person to deserve such things. I don’t feel i am any better off now, but i think i am finally accepting my situation and that it’s okay if i don’t have all these.

I’m happy with a lot of things in my life now. I like my job. It doesn’t pay much now, but it will the longer i stay. Meanwhile i just need to be better at my budgeting. I like my colleagues, they can be pretty fun to be around with.

Since i don’t have that much money, my small circle of friends suits my budget just fine. Can you imagine how much more it could cost if i had a bigger social circle? And it makes me appreciate them more, since i have so few.

And now i am this close to selling my soul to the devil with my decision to purchase a new car. The thought of taking such a huge loan scares me! I’m not even finished with paying off my study loan. But i figured it out… I could afford the car loan but it will make saving for my next vacation a little bit harder.

Anyway, i am looking forward to the day i can stop worrying about driving through a traffic jam. And i like the idea of owning my own car. Think of all the stuff i could put there. I’m gonna put most of my shoes in the boot, have a couple of pillows. I love to nest!

It’s just rare that i feel contented like i do now, i feel i had to put this feeling down in words.

Sent from my Nokia 6760 slide