Memory

I guess I have a “good” memory, a better-than-average memory, but when it comes to anything besides academic stuff that I deliberately memorized, the main reason I remember stuff well is echolalia.

I don’t have to try to memorize song lyrics, because if I give any song a chance, it will “get stuck in my head” and repeat endlessly in the background, and through repetition I’ll have memorized it without meaning to.

And I sometimes do something similar with quotes from books or TV– I’ve realized that I don’t do this as much anymore, because I don’t give myself as much time to repeat things. When I was younger, I’d read a line in a book that I really liked and get up and pace around for a little bit, just thinking about it. Or I’d close my book and sit there in silence thinking about it. During advertisements on TV, I’d pace around in the same way.

There was a period of time (when I was in middle school, I think) when I was super-excited about the final season of my favorite TV show, and I would literally go outside and run laps around my house during the advertising breaks just to burn off that nervous excited energy.

Now, I’m less likely to get up and pace, and more likely to be distracted by other things (and with Netflix et al. the nice consistent breaking-up of TV by advertisements is much less consistent) so I don’t usually think about things for long enough to automatically absorb them.

This is actually partly a good thing, because the other thing I used to do besides run around was go to the kitchen and get snacks. I eat more at meals and less in snacks now, which is probably good for me.

It just means I have a smaller store of Cool Witty Lines From Things than I used to.

This is not a transparent post

“transparency”

:((((

————–

To clarify.

I just got an email announcement about an event I wouldn’t be going to anyway, so it doesn’t really matter, but the theme of the event is Transparency as an ideal for communication in relationships. Like, constantly being as open as possible about whatever you’re feeling and thinking at the moment.

I can’t imagine being able to live up to that ideal.

It takes me so long to figure out how I feel about things, much less express them clearly to someone else. And I really don’t think I can rush that process. There have been times when I got into trouble by settling on a Nice Clear Explanation of something before I really understood it, and then felt unable to contradict it when I realized that it didn’t really fit.

Imperial Radch stuff again

re: “Breq et al are positive female representation in the sense that women can relate to them and they don’t have to deal with sexism, even though they’re not actually women.”

I mean, theoretically, sure? I don’t want to devalue what other people get from these books. People can relate to & interpret & enjoy different things in the same media and that doesn’t make any one interpretation more correct than others.

And men-as-the-default is such a pervasive thing, so yeah, great, let’s undermine that by using feminine pronouns & words as the default instead.

That’s just not a thing that I have emotions about, personally? I don’t have any feelings about these books as female representation etc. I don’t think I’d feel any differently about the books if they just used gender-neutral language instead.

The thing that’s most meaningful for me about Breq is the alienation/”secretly a fake human” thing, like I said before.

Dissonance

Related to “well fine then I’ll stop existing, so there!”

Very rarely do I have dissonance about my thoughts– thinking things like “Why did I think that? That’s not like me.” or “I shouldn’t have thought that, that’s bad.” or “The fact that I could think that scares me, what if I act on it?”

I don’t normally think that stuff. I feel like I have a layer of mental insulation from perceiving my thoughts that way. Like…

Either my thoughts are so much me that I can’t really distance myself from them to question whether I should be thinking of them,

or, if I can criticize them, they’re not really a part of me, so any problems with them don’t really reflect on who I am.

————–

Looking back on this, I’m not sure if it really is related to the thing I linked to. That sort of implies that I’m choosing to distance myself from certain thoughts, selectively, and it certainly doesn’t feel like that’s how it works. It’s more a habitual way of thinking than something I switch on for specific circumstances. And I guess, looked at that way, it’s not unusual. Thinking of things as Just Stuff That Happens, Oh Well, when I  ought to be asking myself if I should do something about it, is a common problem for me. I’m definitely more aware/critical about things like that than I used to be, though.

Pet Peeve

The thing where so many people get off work early on Fridays that rush hour starts earlier. My long bus trip today was poorly timed.

Note to self, I need to look through my drafts on here and finish some of those half-finished posts.