In my opinion, you did the right thing. There are people in this world that don't deserve to be your friend. If they can't accept who you are, for what you are, then they are just losing a great friend.
By making him promise that, you're protecting yourself. Unless he truly changes, he'll probably end up doing exactly like you say. If he can't accept that you're gay, then he won't be able to work on being the friend he was before he knew.
If he does come back after a while though, it might be worth it to give him a chance. He just might not be ready to accept this information just yet. Give him time to process it all, and to calm down. He might realize that he's acting a bit irrational, and come back with an apology. Just take your time. If it doesn't feel right, chances are that it's not right.

Well, max pretty much said things along the lines of what I would say.

But I still believe that you did the right thing. If your friend is not comfortable with you being who you are, you should not have that feeling of misery follow you around. If going seperate ways is the best answer in this situation, than you should break up if it ends up making both you and the other guy happier in the long run. But maybe this is all happenening to fast for him and you. If that is the case, some time apart may be needed and if something does happen in the future, go with your gut instincts of what you believe is the right choice. Your intuition is what you should follow first.

I am almost in the same boat as you, but it is more along the lines of my parents and family. They are hard core homophobes and I get nervous whenever they talk to me about why I am not in a relationship or have any friends who are actually girls.

Anyway, I hope this helps you in some sort of way, and glad that you are still with us here on the forums.

For me to give an honest answer I'd have to say that I would need to know the exact circumstances that led up to the explosion and I would also need to know what kind of a person he was, through my own experience.

Now that aside there are some things that I would have done differently. Namely I would have given things more time. two I would have talked face to face and not by text message. Simply because we know precisely what we mean when we are typing words on a page or screen. But the person on the other end is bound to interpret what has been written differently than the person who wrote it. More often than not a person will see what they want to see. It's just a part of our nature.

One other thing I would have done is try to understand where he is coming from, and keep those things in mind in discussions even delve into those topics.

Here is an example of what I think would be the thoughts of a person who found out their best male friend was gay:

Suppose I'm straight I have a close male friend. Then he tells me he's gay. It' would make things awkward at best. I wouldn't know how to act, around them, I probably wouldn't even know how I felt about them now. Does he find me attractive? I'm not comfortable with that. Does he do the stereotypical things that gay guys do? etc...

You can see how that would be troubling in a lot of ways. Discussion and working out the areas of where you were uncomfortable with the other person would be quite necessary. Unless you didn't care about that sort of thing.

I'd like to think that I'd be just as understanding as I am seeing it from your perspective. But I don't know that I would be able to. not immediately at least It would take time. Communication on both ends would be necessary, I'd need to understand how he felt towards me, was it an attraction was it we're just friends but I'm also gay.

Oh well. What's done is done and we move on. We feel the loss but time heals all wounds if we let it. My advice it's a chapter in your life that's drawing to a close, as another is just beginning so look forward, what's past is past, and all you can effect now is the present and the future.

However if you do feel a change of heart towards him and decide to re-approach the friendship, do so with caution and don't expect anything from it that way when it doesn't end well you don't get hurt. And if it does end well then how much more have you gained.

Reconcile if you can but until he can get past his fears and assumed beliefs about you, I would not pursue anything, not without face to face and delving into both of your fears and misconceptions.

I wish you well.

Cheers,

Fruanc J.H.

Ah well. Life goes on and we grow stronger for the pain we've endured.

He does sound like a self centered individual.

It is very good of you to have not taken sides in a gossip sessions about him, it shows a great deal of control on your part, and I know plenty of people who I can't say the same for so. Good for you.

I was wondering how you came to your conclusion on Homosexuality being Genetic, and not a Sociological or Psychological development. It's an interesting topic I find.

Me personally I believe it's not so much a single area but rather a mixture of all three, Psychology being the primary point around which it forms itself while the other two add to its potency. I'm not trying to dissuade you from your belief or your peace of mind on the mater. I just find peace in the understanding of how we came to be as we are.

Not to sure on the whole Genetic thing. I mean I remember looking into it a while back, as I recall there was no gene that made a person gay or straight or somewhere in between. I've also been taking classes on the body in college and if the info I've been given is correct Genetics only effect Physical development.

As for the argument that it's a Gene that effects brain growth and certain hormone productions Testosterone vs. Estrogen I looked into that too, and if that were the case then gay men would be much more ephemeral, You know breasts, smaller junk, and stuff like that. But a lot of the gay guys I've seen and known. well they're all over the spectrum of physique and are fairly masculine. Not all true, but enough to allow me to feel comfortable ruling out the gene theory as the soul piece of the puzzle.

As for my theory well. I think it's to do with a number of things but the foremost of these are four key moments in development. Namely, Early childhood, Preteen years leading up to puberty. Puberty, When we start to masturbate, and then our growth spurts leading up to adulthood.

In early childhood we are developing our motor-skills, learning to interact on a basic level to get what we need at first and then learning to imitate, the behaviors of the figures of power in our life at the time. We also interact with other children of our age group and come to understand the interactions that we can have at that level. We learn behaviors here that will become subconscious, and later on manifest in different ways. An example of this is a friend of mine from school. As a child she didn't like others touching her things and would get upset when they did. Just the other day I witnessed this behavior in action. While it was more subdued she still had a reaction, of being upset about the fact. Her father who was picking her up later told the group I was with about her, this behavior, and how it had been much worse as a child. She didn't like to tell people about it though. The point is our behaviors that are very pronounced and strong as children tend to stay with us to some extent thus influencing personality and behavior. Mine is that I have a sort of one track mind that goes to the point of being obsessive. When I do something that I want to do I tend not to stop until I am either forced or absolutely must. Then when I get the chance I take it right back up again when I can.

From here we enter school and a hole other world that is so much bigger than anything we can comprehend becomes open to us. We have to interact on a day to day basis with a wide range of personalities and age groups at this point, and to say we are not influenced by the older kids is a huge under statement. It is at this time that we begin to learn about our countries culture beyond the things we were exposed to at home. We are being molded in this time frame whether we realize it or not. We learn to read. We learn behaviors which are acceptable or not, we also learn just how selfish and cruel we as humans can be. I don't know of many that didn't experience bullying at some point in school. I also am under the understanding that it is during this time and early childhood that we learn about sharing being generous and kind to others or the opposite. But just as surely as we are being molded to exist in society so also are we being shaped mentally and emotionally. I know of quite a few who had trouble with bullies to the point of it breaking into fights or them blowing up on some one else who had nothing to do with it. I was one of them. though I got counseling for it. It's at this point also that some mental emotional scars were laid. I loved to draw at the time, and it got to the point where I was drawing in class instead of doing my school work. As a result my grades slipped and my parents found out. My dad took and destroyed my drawings which were mostly of women at the time. I didn't draw for a long time after that and when I did it was mostly guys. I might have been over the incident by that time but it left a mark in my subconscious Drawing girls equaled pain. more or less. The next scar was that I didn't feel safe going to my father any more for help. He had become a source of terror for me, Something that was reinforced many times when he would get angry. This left the subconscious longing for a male figure who I could feel safe with and I guess love. Later events would intensify that desire. The next scar and possibly one of the most mind changing was seeing porn for the first time. It was Homosexual Porn and it found it's way into my one track mind and from then on their was this sick fascination with men.

Puberty hits and at this time the body starts to transfer from adolescent to adult. Your body changes hormones are released, Hormones that can effect you on a mental level. I started having more crushes on girls. They became prettier and more attractive. but every time I fell for one if I'd open my big mouth or something. I'd only get their disdain back. I also had a sister and as she started changing My mom insisted that she have her own room and we boys were instructed that she was to be treated a certain way and given privacy. One track mind takes that and turns it into girls are off limits. It did for me at least.

The rejections continue into the teens and around Sophomore year in high school it happens. The Interest in guys comes to a head as it were. it is also to be noted that from the point of seeing gay porn that I also looked at pictures from time to time and... did other things with those images being the focus.

Sorry to lay my personal history on you but it just helps to keep me sane some times. It's also the functional pieces from which I can draw my conclusions.

I kind of went through a journey to get here it didn't just happen, turning points in my life built up to it. I think so anyway.

As I understand it our nature was also considered a mental disorder for a long time. Until some one got paid a big sum to remove it from the list of disorders. I've looked into how disorders work and it kind of backs up my thinking. But as with most disorders it's not something that can be cured. treated and controlled to an extent yes but not cured. And as with most disorders it's occurred through out history, in every land and among every people as far as I know. I think it's a process that happens if a given set of events happen in the proper order, and there are a few orders that result in varied results and degrees of homosexual orientations. Just like there are different fetishes that people come by in different or certain ways. Something to do with dopa-mean. But back to our nature being non-curable. It can't be cured.

And why should it be. This is the path we have walked this is where we are and who can say where we are going. Plus if you believe in a higher power of any sort or fate destiny and the like, can us being who we are be a mistake? I think not. There is something that we are meant to do in our life time. Something that only we can do. And for that we must be who we are, we must be whole and to deny any part past present or future is foolishness.

I wish you well.

Fruanc J.H.

We are the same... We both got teased and called gay in grade school, We both weren't into sports and we were both picked on by multiple people. because we were different. And what do you do with your frustrations when there is no one to turn to. No outlet and no one who cares enough to stop it. I wound up having to switch schools because of it. (not asking for a pity parade just stating a similarity)

It may be a genetic thing that goes wrong in the brain due to stresses at key points of brain development in our lives perhaps? And perhaps it is the stress and hormone imbalance's that cause a different kind of mental development using the gene meant to do one thing in the wrong way. thus the term disorder an order that has been thrown into disarray due to trauma at vital times of development. Resulting in deviations from the most common out come.

I think you've helped me reach a kind of middle ground actually because as I think about it, the subject becomes more than just my original Psychological view of it and incorporates more of the actual growth of the brain. In essence I think we both have pieces of the truth and have just had more of an insight into individual areas of the same thing because those areas make the most logical sense to us.

as for the part about nature well according to Darwin. The strongest fastest and smartest live to reproduce. And in a lot of cases that is true. But size alone is not always granted by it. Like with Salmon when they are spawning. The males fight for the right to fertilize the eggs of the female. The big guy stands a better chance but if the littler guy is faster or more cunning than the big guy then he will win.

Also I read about an interesting study done with pheromones, of humans. A set number of guys were given T-shirts to wear and then those T-shirts were taken and tested by women who would smell the shirt and rate the guy on whether they the were more attractive by their smell or not. What the test found was that women were attracted more to guys whose Immune systems most differed from theirs. The question this raised was do pheromones have a part to play in attraction and that sort of thing. So yeah interesting huh.

not sure where I was going with that but it sounded interesting.

One more thing I also think I am understanding why men are so attracted to boobs. You might laugh about this but... The pheromone secreting sweat glands are located in your crotch your armpits, and your Nipples.

Ah the fun facts we learn in college Anatomy and Physiology.

Cheers, and best of luck I wish you well and if you care to continue with our discussion I'm on here almost every day. So don't be a stranger.

One more thing, Do you like werewolves? (Because my propaganda Nazi alter ego is going insane with wanting to promote our work to another reader... and writer. I'll have to read some more of your stuff here tomorrow.)

Fruanc J.H.

Well maybe. I'll have to give it a read then. There is just one thing. Those poor Peacocks deprived of their flamboyant feathers and made to be all by their lonesome a bird might commit suicide over that.

Cheers,

Fruanc J.H.

One more thing "Whales are twice as smart as humans and three times more delicious." -Facts Sphere.

Let me know if you get the reference or not cause it's kind of abstract.