pain | smilingbug

“You always think you have more time” I told my mother in law. “No,” she disagreed “not at our age, people have died much younger.” So sad and undeniably part of being human. My brother in law recently went through the pain of losing his younger brother, the hurt from that loss unimaginable. A long time friend in the community passed away recently and it’s still shocking to think he isn’t here. Death is such a definitive part of life and yet it’s so difficult to reconcile. Since our aunt passed away last week we have been walking around numb and dazed. Monday and all of the responsibilities of life called so here we are, pushing on as everyone says “she would want us to do,” and of course as we must. My Mom said “she was called back to heaven to do other work there” and I think of her having no idea she was about to leave and wonder how that can be. It is so heart wrenching that she will not be with us that I don’t even want to think about future family time without her. I know she would want us to have those times, celebrate life and be happy. Maybe missing her so much is selfish. Meanwhile believing in our destiny and putting faith in what God has planned for us is everything, so why then does it hurt so much, why aren’t we programmed to have a resistance to this sadness and heartache. The human condition, I guess, the lessons and growth and reasons we’re here. My husband said “it’s all part of the journey” but it didn’t make me feel better either. During the night when I toss and turn, each time waking up and thinking “it’s true, she is gone” I think of the Mom in town who lost her husband unexpectedly last year or the children who went to school at Sandy Hook in December. So much pain yet such a real part of this life. My sister says to focus on the beautiful blessings around us and of course this is true, and I am so grateful, but it doesn’t lessen the pain. She wasn’t my aunt for my life time and yet an amazing, loving person can touch your heart so deeply. I’m the first to say “appreciate each day” however, the loss weighs a million pounds and it’s on my shoulders, on my neck muscles, behind my sore eyes. Thinking of the last phone call, the last email, the last letter, why did that have to be the last one, but of course I know the rational reasons. “My dear—…We leave on Friday—…I wish all of you were going with us—… Much love.” -smilingbug

Every time I’m at that mall I think of the man that took his own life because his restaurant there and other businesses were failing. He was a father of three and a well known guy in town. It was a shocking story to read about, he took his life with his car’s exhaust while his family was out of town. I went to work the following Monday and the program for his funeral was on my employer’s desk. The back of it was facing up and it was filled with photos of him and his children, one group shot including his wife. All I could think was how those kids would miss their Dad terribly for the rest of their lives and the pain they must be in. My heart went out to his wife, she was barely featured in any photos and I wondered if that was a sign that she was really angry with him. Then there he was in the photos, smiling but how much agony he must have been in to take his own life. Some will say it’s an act of cowardness but it must be driven by pain. I have heard that acting out or anger is actually a cry for love. Judd Apatow posted a link to an article on twitter yesterday about happy people. He wrote “This is a great article all should read.” So I clicked on the link and the article is called 15 Things Happy People Do Differently. The list made a lot of sense (I only disagreed a bit with #10 but that’s just me) except I started questioning whether people could consciously live their lives by this list. It seemed to me that living life by these 15 rules would be inherent in a person’s character and not something that a person could decide to do because they saw this article. Maybe over many years of conscious effort, practice, occasional error and self correction, a person could behave more in the way this article describes. But even then I wonder if a person could become less selfish, less critical or more trusting, for example. There is nature and nurture, one we are born with and the other has been drilled into us by our upbringing, our experiences, our role models. How much reconditioning and reprogramming would it take to make a person change those ingrained qualities or are some people more apt to intense change? Meanwhile, after reading Apatow’s suggested article I see links to other articles at the end of the page. I click on the first in that row and it’s called 12 Scientifically Proven Steps to Happiness. According to this article one just needs to include twelve broad stroke actions in their life like gratitude and optimism. To the left of that is a link to an article that advises on 15 things one should give up to be happy. So the list goes on and on. All of the tips are quite good to reflect on but what about the restaurant owner I recalled at the mall today, could anything help a person in that place? Everyone is working with the cards they were dealt in this life, trying their best even if their own best is not good at all. Be compassionate, we’re all part of this human experience. -smilingbug