Don’t Sweep My Feet!

Posted in Life is short and precious by smilingbug

Every time I sweep I think of my Grandma saying “Don’t sweep my feet or else I’ll never get married” each time I swept her workspace at our family business. It was a superstition of hers. She said it every single time anyone was sweeping, without fail. She never worried if it got old or lost its punch. She was married and had been most of her life to my Grandpa. I miss him so much and it’s difficult to believe that he has been gone almost 17 years. It just doesn’t seem I could have lived all of this time without him being near but here we are. Talking with a niece recently about a loved aunt who passed away she told me that she imagined our aunt with all of her friends who were also gone, sipping wine, reading on the beach and enjoying their favorite pleasures. She joked that her warped Catholic view of the afterlife made her feel better about missing our aunt. Atleast she has a vision of the afterlife. I thought and joked to her “I have to work on my warped view of the afterlife” but no matter how I try I can’t make anything of it. I miss those people who are gone. All of the life events that pass, I wonder how this could be going on, day after day and year after year, without them. It’s not possible that they could be absent from these meaningful moments. My daughter says she isn’t afraid of dying but is afraid of losing all of the memories of this lifetime that mean so much to her. We are here for a tiny flash in the scheme of time but we are so attached to this life. A man on PBS talking about mother’s day today said “Dinosaurs were mothering their offsprings 65 million years ago.” How can the scrapbooks and memories of each one of our lives stack up to that? I remember a good friend who was losing a battle for his life saying that he was ok with dying but didn’t want to miss everyone. It breaks my heart and yet it’s a part of life that is as normal as the sun rising and setting each and every day. What I got most from my niece’s conversation about those who have passed was a loud and clear reminder: Appreciate the joys and the highs, count bleasings. -smilingbug

15Apr2013

Conversations of the Heart

Posted in It's about the little things by smilingbug

photo from Tumblr, no photo or art credit was listed.

During an interview that Paul McCartney recorded with Howard Stern in October of 2001, Paul mentioned consulting with the deceased love of his life. He said one night he was asking Linda if he should be with the woman he was dating and he said when you do that “of course you are just talking to yourself.” That sounded sad to me, how he wanted to share and talk with his deceased loved one but then just feeling he was talking to himself. Then McCartney explained that after he asked Linda the question he heard an owl off in the distant say “who, who” and he took that to be a yes. Of course we all know how it went with that girlfriend he was asking Linda about, Heather Mills. During the interview, while Heather was Paul’s fiance, Howard joked that he would have heard that owl’s answer as a “no” and everyone on the set laughed. Sounds funny but seriously, who doesn’t wish they could communicate with someone who has passed away, someone close to their heart, share stories and have heart to heart chats. When I sit to write letters to my relatives who appreciate snail mail I still want to write one to a special aunt. No more letters, emails or phone calls with someone, ever, hurts. Then there are the feelings that the person we miss is all around us, in every reminder and in our hearts forever. But the missing never goes away. -smilingbug

21Mar2013

She Loved Us & We Loved Her

Posted in Loved ones make our world by smilingbug

Make up, looking in the mirror, is that me?
Children in black clothes, rushing, formal attire
Sad faces, serious faces
Where am I?
This is it, this is really it

Dad’s face, my face
How old are we?
I feel twelve, we look so much older
Many, many people
Friends, Strangers, stories

“To this day when something big happens in my life I wonder if she would be proud of me”
“I’m lucky enough to have been her god daughter”

“We had just met and she threw me a baby shower, at her home”
“She wrote a note to say she would miss him”

Shaking hands, hugging, smilng, crying
Faces that cause crying, words that cause laughter
We aren’t meant to stay here forever
It still hurts

Black dresses, black suits, driving rain
Ushers, ties, jackets
Kneeling down, crying
“I’m so sorry, I’ll see you right away when I go there”

Cars driving, how could this be?
Prayers, words, trembling voices
Loud organ music, suits, hugging, crying
A photo being handed around, brief smiles
A handkerchief, wrinkled and held tightly

“She loved us and we loved her”

People gathered, words, tears, laughs

“A second mother, an honorary grandmother”
A child speaks, then there are chuckles
I do not want to say goodbye to the casket
I touch it as it passes, want to stop it and hold on to it forever
Do not leave, please stay
But now it is carried away

Cold rain, mud and ice, umbrellas
Tightly crumpled handkerchief, like a child’s blankie
A crank lowers, flowers are removed
Staring at the casket, keeping my eyes on it
Maybe it will stay forever if I keep my eyes on it

It is too low to see
Silent Sobs, cries, tears
With God now, safely wrapped, cradled

“May the angels take you to paradise”
“Rest with God, rest in peace”

White table clothes, silver platters
Sliced beef, warm rolls
Framed photos, black and white memories
Wine, cocktail napkins, music

Somewhere over the rainbow
Slide show flashing, a life of wonderful times
Talks, reconnecting, sharing
How they got the news, how we met
Who traveled from where, when we will see each other next

“Thank you for being who you are, she loved you so much”
“I got all of the updates, she loved those little boys so much”

The sun comes out, the circle of life goes on
“She would have loved this party,
Don’t you think?”

11Mar2013

Death: Part of life but so painful

Posted in Life is short and precious by smilingbug

“You always think you have more time” I told my mother in law. “No,” she disagreed “not at our age, people have died much younger.” So sad and undeniably part of being human. My brother in law recently went through the pain of losing his younger brother, the hurt from that loss unimaginable. A long time friend in the community passed away recently and it’s still shocking to think he isn’t here. Death is such a definitive part of life and yet it’s so difficult to reconcile. Since our aunt passed away last week we have been walking around numb and dazed. Monday and all of the responsibilities of life called so here we are, pushing on as everyone says “she would want us to do,” and of course as we must. My Mom said “she was called back to heaven to do other work there” and I think of her having no idea she was about to leave and wonder how that can be. It is so heart wrenching that she will not be with us that I don’t even want to think about future family time without her. I know she would want us to have those times, celebrate life and be happy. Maybe missing her so much is selfish. Meanwhile believing in our destiny and putting faith in what God has planned for us is everything, so why then does it hurt so much, why aren’t we programmed to have a resistance to this sadness and heartache. The human condition, I guess, the lessons and growth and reasons we’re here. My husband said “it’s all part of the journey” but it didn’t make me feel better either. During the night when I toss and turn, each time waking up and thinking “it’s true, she is gone” I think of the Mom in town who lost her husband unexpectedly last year or the children who went to school at Sandy Hook in December. So much pain yet such a real part of this life. My sister says to focus on the beautiful blessings around us and of course this is true, and I am so grateful, but it doesn’t lessen the pain. She wasn’t my aunt for my life time and yet an amazing, loving person can touch your heart so deeply. I’m the first to say “appreciate each day” however, the loss weighs a million pounds and it’s on my shoulders, on my neck muscles, behind my sore eyes. Thinking of the last phone call, the last email, the last letter, why did that have to be the last one, but of course I know the rational reasons. “My dear—…We leave on Friday—…I wish all of you were going with us—… Much love.” -smilingbug