Here's looking at you, kid

Assigning a (somewhat) significant other a ringtone is equivalent to getting their name tattooed on you. You just doomed the "relationship" to fail.

Post from mobile portal m.livejournal.com

Sometimes we depend on other people as a mirror, to define us and tell us who we are...and each reflection makes me like myself a little less.

Post from mobile portal m.livejournal.com

I've spent the better part of tonight contemplating my future, or lack thereof.
I have these moments of clarity(well clarity may be too strong of a word)where I take a look at my life and I am immediately distraught.
What am I doing? I'm 24 years old and haven't even graduated from college.
I'm stuck at a job that drains me from every ounce of empathy I once had for other people.
I am deathly afraid that I will never get out of this dead end cycle of my current life.
At this moment in time I don't see a positive future. At all.
I find myself wishing I was back in Charlotte because I could do something else or be someone else.
Charlotte, for me, has been frozen in time. Somewhere I can go to escape and where everything will be alright for a day, weekend, week.
Being away from there has put Charlotte on a pedestal.
It's become this place where my problems aren't real and where my happiness lies waiting for me.
But it's not. It's another excuse for me to not be happy where I am now. I find my mind is constantly cloudy. All I see around me are unfinished projects and half-assed tries.
I can't stick to anything and I think it is slowly killing me.
I think I keep waiting for all the answers and every day I kid myself into thinking they're coming to save me.
I feel really lost. And even the in-between moments that kept me sane aren't enough anymore.
I didn't think "I don't care" could become such a staple in my vocabulary.
I don't want to not care anymore. But I can't help but sink into it. It feels so much easier than dealing with it.
I don't know what I want or who I want to be.
I'm so afraid of waking up and finding everyone somewhere else, while I'm still right here.

It's time like these where I hope no one reads LJ anymore. I can't even read over what I just wrote for fear of nausea.

Its sad that the only reason I use LiveJournal now is to spell check my papers for school. I like LJ better when there's no one around, I need to get on here more often.

I know that recently I've been super whiny and complain about normal shit...but this is the first time in a long time where I honestly don't know what to do. Just when I found a place in my life where I could start making plans and saving money for said plans, life takes a proverbial shit on me.

Post from mobile portal m.livejournal.com

I feel okay most of the time now, which is good.
But I know that once I'm alone, I'll start to fall apart.
I'm going through a hard time and I feel like no one understands it.
I also keep thinking about the other time my life was unraveling and you reaching out to me.
You told me you'd be there for me, regardless.
And you weren't.
Once I start thinking about one aspect of my life that's upsetting, I think about all of them.
You are one of them.
I need a friend who gets it without wanting something in return.

every day is different, I expected that.
but today I feel like I'm experiencing everything through a barrier
like I don't really hear/see/feel things as they are
I feel like I'm underwater
and everything is an echo
and instead of fighting through it
to get to the other side
I'm just letting it be
and hearing/seeing/feeling things
through a thickness that I can't shake

everything feels like
how Charlie Brown's adults sound

if that makes any sense

I will never forget how I felt today.
Every part of me wanted to turn away from my front door because I knew that bad news waited for me inside.
I wanted to stay on that front porch forever.
If I went inside, everything would change.
I wanted to stay oblivious.
Because it hurt less.
Time stands still as I try to cope and understand and re-learn how to live without a piece of me
Everything and nothing matters at the same time.
I know I'm almost 24 year old
but I just want someone to hold my hand.

I refuse to give into my bursts of outrage.
Being prodded or not, I should have better control.
I need to find a different way to let out my frustrations so that they don't all unite, creating a huge, hot mess of fury causing me to freak out at any moment.

I also find it necessary to post in every medium at my fingertips that I am:
1. stressed out
2. overwhelmed
3. subject to bouts of random anger directed at innocent bystanders

So I shall, and have.

meh.

It's ridiculous how much I think/talk about you.
I'd feel foolish, but I hear you're doing the same.
My face hurts from smiling.