silvershadows86

St. Louis got over 8" of snow in 12 hours, and of course it was my weekend to work. And the CSN Gina called in. So I was CSN Saturday and Sunday. Saturday night we had a sleepover at my house with Cindy, Heather T, Molly, and Tony! We went out for mexican before the snow began and Sean came too. He was really great, not pouty and mean like Daryl would have been if I'd been talking to my friends slightly more than him. And molly stayed here last night too. The roads are terrible! And the high was 1 degree today, for the most part it was -8.  We were short house-wide, so I only had 4 nurses on Sunday and 2 techs with a full floor. And over half the floor was on droplet precautions due to influenza A. Staff are coming down with it despite the mandatory flu shots....Arnela, Cindy, Windy....and Heather O is in distress from her divorce. She started having chest pains and hypertension yesterday, so I took over her team of 6 and was CSN simultaneously. Then as we were finally clocking out at 8pm, they mandated all staff to stay. Thankfully a few minutes later 5 Northers were excused because they know we show up and do our jobs for the most part. The joys of being a floor nurse! I still love it, exhaustion and all.  But man I am exhausted!

On another subject, I am really struggling right now. The lawyer called and said Daryl is requesting ALL our text messages from the last 3 years. She suspects he's going to say I'm abusive because I've told him giving up his rights is an option a few times. I'm really worried about how far he's going to try dragging me through the mud. When we first separated I can't recall specifics but I know I texted him some very mean stuff. I hadnt known Christ yet, and I was pregnant working nights and single parenting. It was the most stress I can recall, ever. Then I had Mabel and suffered from some very rough post-partum depression and anxiety. I was sleeping with Greg and miserable. I'm trying to give it all to God, but I'm also terrified. Afraid that all this struggle and lawyer bills will be completely in vain, or even worse that I will come out of it with less than I went in. Daryl's new lawyer is very good at what he does. And lately Kelly sounds disconnected and apathetic....sometimes I swear she sounds like she can't stand me and thinks our case has no merit. She also announced she was pregnant at the last court date, so there's pregnancy brain and exhaustion to figure into this as well. I'm hoping mom and I made the right choice a few months ago when we made the choice to keep her instead of looking into that christian lawyer Maggie recommended. I'm also worried about the financial strain all of this is putting on Grandma Bea. She sounded grumpy last time I asked for lawyer bill money. I also feel guilty because not this time but last I ended up spending some of the lawyer bill money on bills and Christmas. I didn't ask for 1 dollar more this time, even though I was tempted because I have this car sales tax payment and titling due at the end of the month for 1700 dollars I have no clue how I'll pay. That's another part of this giant fiery ball of stress in my stomach...what if I've gotten in over my head with the new car? I was so grateful to have it with the snow, I dont think my van would have made it! Heat is an absolute necessity in negative degree weather. And with the traction control on there were so many times it kicked in and locked my wheels when I was sliding. If I'd been driving the van we'd probably have crashed.

I'm also surrounded by people going through nasty relationship/ divorce issues. Heather O and her husband are really in the thick of it, and its ALL she can talk about/focus on. I really do mean ALL. It gets bad enough I just want to run the other direction when I see her. But in an attempt to be a good friend and Christian, I stay and try to quietly listen without interjecting too much well-meaning advice. The truth is, I don't know what to tell her! Her husband sounds like a real jerk. But she also cheated on him. And when she talks about her disbelief at how cruel he's acting, and how he's manipulating their kids, it just makes me think about when I was in that position and stirs up so many feelings. Absolute disbelief and betrayal at Daryl emptying our bank account, drinking every weekend, not paying child support, getting a girlfriend......he was like a stranger to me. It was the ultimate reckoning. When you stand on the edge and wonder, what have I done????? You can never be prepared for that.

"The man who hates and divorces his wife," says the LORD, the God of Israel, "does violence to the one he should protect." Malachai 2:16 (NSV)

You hate me Daryl, and you broke my heart. And you have tried to continue punishing me for 3 years with this dragged out, circus of a divorce. I'm really feeling it lately. It hurts. More than anything it is terrifying to think about dealing with you until the girls grow up. I'm terrified that you've put me in a financial hole I cannot climb out of. That the girls' weddings and college funds are going to be non-existant thanks to me paying off this debt. That their current living conditions will be affected by it. That you have us in bondage. That I'll have to live with my mentally ill mother for a long time. And yet you have no idea what all of this has done or the repercussions of your actions. Daily I'm trying to give this to God and trust that he will not allow me to remain in bondage.

"For the Lord watches over the path of the Godly, but the path of the wicked leads to destruction." Psalms 1:6 NLT

Prayer: Father, I am struggling with hopelessness, and feeling like a failure. I wish I had nothing to worry about with these texts. I wish I had better control of myself and foresight to know that anything that can be used against me, will. I know people tried to tell me, but I was just angry and looking for a place to unleash it. I feel like a crappy Christian lately, because I'm trying to minister to people around me but I can't get myself under control. Please help me father to tap into your redemption and grace so I can move forward and make better choices. I'm praying that this court date will be within your will, despite the limited tools you have. I know you've worked with less before! Thank you for your endless patience and grace, because I would have given up on me long ago. Please reveal your will to me with clarity. And enable me to fulfill it to the best I can. I love you Father, you are all I have. Amen.

Started this book last week, and am currently about 1/3 done. I wanted to journal some thoughts so far!

1)  "It's easier to avoid supernatural struggles than to confront them because of the fear of being associated with doctrines outside of our comfort zone." -- So me! I'm constantly freaked out by other Christians. I don't understand them. I fear becoming like them. I'm guilty of judging them as hypocrites or psychotic, probably because I've had so many experiences with people like my mom, Patti Taylor, Cami, Shelly, Lori Weltig, Monica.

Prayer: Father, help me to love other people and other Christians as you love them!

2) "Fear is the number one reason demons often defeat successfully Christians." --He goes on to say that letting fear control us is like saying we believe Satan is stronger than God. Wow.

Prayer: Father, forgive me for the times I've let fear control me and I've failed to fully trust in you. Help me to fear less and trust in you more.

3) "Ignorance is not bliss." -- He mentions that laws of nature exist whether we acknowledge them or not. Knowing your enemy makes you a better fighter.

Prayer: Father, thank you for sending this book into my life as it is making me confront so many of my blind spots. Please enable me to fully see and grasp the concepts being presented to me, and help me to apply the principles with a goal of achieving your will.

4) "Consistent victorious living over the world, the flesh and the devil is possible in Christ, through Christ, for Christ and because of Christ."-- I'm really feeling like one of those "asleep" Christians he mentions....I've been living in in between land waiting for some clarification but not truly seeking it. I don't tithe, read my Bible consistently, pray effectively, watch my actions/ tongue, serve others, control my appetite, abstain, fast....................for whatever reasons, but I really think that I don't believe it is possible! I see so many Christians who struggle with sin having victory over them on a daily basis.

Prayer: Father, please forgive me for lacking faith in your ability to restore me, lift me above the struggles of this world. I renew my vow to you. I want to live a life that glorifies you, not a life that is mediocre and filled with self-serving excuses. Please help me to seek you, understand you and grow my self-control so that I can be the best servant possible for you.

Eventful last two days. Friday night the van started smoking and overheated. I had had a new car on the brain even before this event and felt like thats the direction I would probably be taking. Then friday happened and I made up my mind. Saturday morning Sean and I went to test drive a Hyundai Elantra at Dean Hyundai off of Manchester. Mom was home with the girls. After a long struggle with financing (my credit score is 546!?!) I ended up with a bronze 2013 Elantra for 16,000. Payments of 315/mo for 72 months. Mom was VERY unhappy that I bought the first car I drove but Sean and I really did think we were getting a good deal on it. I'm not entirely sure we did, but oh well. Sean had researched cars because he too had just bought a new one, so he knew about the all the sedans in my price range already. I'm freaked out about the comittment of it all and the payments, but I know God will provide. And its nice to have heat after 2 years of not. And a/c! The girls were always overheated in the summer because the back vents didnt work in the van, and the middle windows didnt open. So I was basically cooking them. And in winter they froze due to no heat.

Today sean woke up feeling crummy, slept while the girls and I went to Faith (E Free was having combined service). We came home, ate some lunch, Mabel napped, we took Lydia to Kohl's and bought Mamaw and Papaw's belated christmas presents. Then we went to their house tonight for dinner and presents. We had to early b/c Sean felt so bad but Terri followed us in their van with the presents. The girls got a kitchen playset they loved! And I got a bracelet/earrings and a crock pot cookbook. Very sweet of them! jane knew I just got a programmable crock pot for christmas form Mom.

So bullet points:
-Increase my credit score by paying on-time for the car. Get a credit card. Pay off things that are in collections.
-I want to read more books, especially parenting/ Christian walk ones. I'm struggling.
-Court is coming up the 24th! Need to keep my eye on the prize and be in prayer.
-Need a sitter that opens at 6am and can bus Lydia to school. Or a different job with equally good benefits/pay.
-Need to do Dave Ramsay class? Especially now that I have grown up car payments?
Thank you Jesus!!!!

This December and Christmas season in general went by in a blur. Court, kid illnesses, car trouble and the like pretty much consumed me. The girls went to see their dad on Christmas Eve at 5, and then I got them back today (Dec 26) at 10am. I missed them like crazy. While they were gone I felt this emptiness, like I was supposed to be be doing something and then I'd remember that my babies were very far from me and even worse I had no idea if they were being well taken care of. But when I got them back this morning everything seemed like it had gone OK with Wendy supervising them the whole time. It's hard to get an accurate picture from Lydia, and I dont want to pry too much. I think she feels like if she tells me anything "bad" that might've happened she won't get to see her daddy again :( Our next court date is January 24th, hopefully its the big one where we get an official ruling on visitation and we can finally get divorced after 3 long years.

We did Christmas at our house with Mom, Sean and the girls on Dec 23rd. It was chaotic and fun. Sean got me a lovely ruby heart shaped ring. I got him some random stuff and an ornament for our first Christmas. The girls were spoiled rotten! I sewed them princess aprons, they got jammies and dolls and clothes and then of course Sean got them Zoomie, an insanely expensive robotic dog that Lydia had been begging for. Santa came the next day and brought Lydia a Lalaloopsy doll and Mabel a doll that uses the potty.

So Christmas Eve after the festivities at Nana Bea's, Sean and I drove back from Vandalia and spent the night at my house. I had to work the next day (Christmas). It was a weird day at work, lacking the usual people and rhythm but we made it through. Sean caught the girls' bug and wasnt feeling so hot. I tried to bring him the traditional "chinese turkey" a la A Christmas Story but no place in Fenton was open. So I brought him a pizza and wine from the gas station and we ate, I got a little too drunk and we passed out in bed with netflix on. This morning I got up, went to Fairview Heights and got the girls back. We went grocery shopping, finally got our chinese food and came home. Lydia acted up all day and then would feel bad and try to make it better by giving me quarters LOL. Poor baby. She is really angry. She kicked me today because she didnt like what I was telling her to do. Scary stuff. Thats the crappy thing about divorce, I never know if I'm equipping her properly to deal with all the stresses form it. Mabel too, but she's still little.

I struggled this year with the busy-ness, consumerism and Santa stuff. In previous years I have always been the #1 Christmas/Santa fan but this year I wanted to barf. All I could think about was the wastefulness of it all, the distraction from the real meaning of Christmas. I prayed for guidance on the matter and protection from too much of the fake stuff. My heart was never in it. And Nana Bea's house felt so distinctly different, I just kept wishing I didn't have to be there. I wanted to go to church. A bunch of grands and great grands weren't even there and it felt disrespectful to Nana Bea. Not to mention my girls were gone too. Maggie wasn't there because of all her bipolar things that have gone on lately she's not speaking to Mom or I, and I'm just avoiding getting tangled up her mental illness. Jenny is fighting with Bea, Mom, Julie and Geno. John is fighting with people too. Colleen, Jason, Matt, Steve, Brian, and Susie weren't there. It was the barest Christmas Eve I can ever remember. You could see it written on people's faces that they were grinning and bearing it for Nana Bea. How different from my lovely childhood memories of that night. If only Grandpa Gene could see how things are now.

So please self, remember this for next year! Help your kids focus on giving to the needy and the true significance of the birth of Christ. Let Santa and Elf on the Shelf stay in hiding. Avoid the mass gift giving and overeating and shopping and events. I will be praying about this all year long for a change to come. Merry Christmas!

I am not Carrie Bradshaw. Shocking, I know. But for some reason for my foray into this crazy dating world has left me wandering aimlessly in the desert of confusion with only Sex and the City Marathons to turn to for help. And, I have realized that....I don't belong! I'm not Miranda. I'm not Carrie. I'm definitely not Samantha. I'm probably closest to..... a Charlotte. I have no other "me-like" friends to reference, and it is quite frustrating. And I'm getting angry and dissapointed, quite frankly, that this dating world is so positively skeevy. Are chivalry and romance and courting and boundaries for God's sake dead?! Just because you bought my ticket to the movie does not give you the right to shove your hand in my bra while we're watching it! Or to whip your junk out in the car and try to get me to hop on it. I'm ticked at my generation! At women, for allowing this sorry excuse for dating to pass as acceptable. Rally, girls! I'm not saying we go back to corsets and dowries, but surely there is a middle ground. Somewhere gentlemen have to exist. After multiple failed attempts, I feel cheapened, disgusted, and frustrated. I've been in one too many awkward situations to feel brave enough to try again. Real men are in hiding. All that's left are these manipulators who will say whatever you want to hear until the time comes for them to whip their penises out in a parked car. Peace out dating world. Grow up, have some decency, and quit acting like we know nothing better than our basest of instincts.

"We got our heads in the clouds and we're not coming down. This girl is on fire!" -Alicia Keys

I was thinking about how less than 2 years ago I was trying to fold myself into a smaller person than I am so I could fit into the box Daryl wanted me to stay in so badly. It goes beyond feminism, it's a specific situation when I say today I can't see myself functioning that way.........being some little wifey, trying to hold everything together and spread myself so thin I become invisible. And to have it be worth nothing in the end anyway. Today I don't have everything I want, materialistically, emotionally, or spiritually....but one thing I've got going is I've found ME. I'm warrior strong, compassionate, intelligent,imperfect, funky, alive. That situation had killed me slowly, until only embers burned faintly inside me. I'm too liberal for church, too moral to be liberal. Too emotional for casual sex, too injured for a relationship. Too beautiful to think myself ugly, too imperfect to think myself gorgeous. Too smart to think myself dumb, too ignorant to think myself ingenious. And I love myself just the way I am, an  original. Maybe I didn't start out special or original, but circumstances have tried me by fire until I came out a new thing.

It's this strength that I'm thriving on......I don't feel beaten anymore, confused, floating aimlessly. I'm going somewhere and I'm taking my loved ones with me, leaving all else behind. I'm not backing down.

My nerves are frayed. It seems like a first world problem to complain about, but I'm fed up with not having my own bedroom. And I don't see any relief in sight. I just get the girls to bed, I'm in my pjs and I'd like to unwind....thats when Mom comes home from work starts banging around in the kitchen and blabbing on about her day when I'd just like to sit in a quiet corner and read a book. Really, thats not alot to ask.

I think the winter blues have set in. I was feeling sexy and free, loving life as best I could when WHAM! all of a sudden I feel like I'm going to be alone forever, life is meaningless and I'm in a faith crisis. It also coincided with "loophole weekend" at Jon's house. I have complicated feelings about the whole thing and I'm not sure I've been entirely honest with myself. I went up there to have a weekend of sexy no strings attached drunken fun, and I got what I asked for, including a yeast infection, dislocated shoulder, and 2 day hangover. I also made a mess out of the emotional part of it as well. Sex is never uncomplicated....duh! Why do I always believe I'm immune to the operational rules of life? I'm a dreamer I guess. Anyways, he was super nice...he planned a cutsey weekend of fun stuff in Springfield, cooked for me, let me pick stuff on the tv....and it got me thinking "Damn, he's actually kinda funny and easy to be around...I think I'd like strings with this guy!" so I text him and he flat out turns me down. Also then he never said anything but "that sux" about my shoulder......seriously you fucked my shoulder out of its socket and you can't even say "I'm sorry"? Maybe it's sour grapes but now I feel like I dodged a bullet.

But that has left an emotional hole of its own.......when do I actually get my guy? Was Daryl it? We were wrong for each other but there were times of absolute love that we did share......is that my life's allotment? If this was one of my friends I'd be saying, "Girl, you're not even thirty why are you worrying about this?" But it's me. I have abandonment/daddy issues and I need the validation that somebody, ANYBODY wants to have a meaningful relationship with me. I know I'm good in bed. I know I get along great with the guys because I'm sarcastic and easy-going. What I don't know is what I'm really looking for, or who I'm gonna turn out to be.

"And as soon as you have re-arranged the mess in your head, he will show up looking sane, perfectly sane....if I know Crazy." --Tori Amos

Everything about this process is hard. That usually indicates that it is a worthwhile endeavor. I hope. Yesterday Pastor Steve talked about focus. He said the re-arranging of the detail will change themselves if we change our focus. I thought about my focus, how it's been everywhere but home, as evidenced by my livejournal posts and other things. I write about Daryl, Greg, Mom, my pain. At home I craft, watch netflix, clean. But how often do I truly focus on God? And on my girls? I am praying for a refocusing of my lens onto what is important.