All my fountains are in you!

The great snow of 2014

silvershadows86 — Tue, 07 Jan 2014 00:51:47 GMT

St. Louis got over 8" of snow in 12 hours, and of course it was my weekend to work. And the CSN Gina called in. So I was CSN Saturday and Sunday. Saturday night we had a sleepover at my house with Cindy, Heather T, Molly, and Tony! We went out for mexican before the snow began and Sean came too. He was really great, not pouty and mean like Daryl would have been if I'd been talking to my friends slightly more than him. And molly stayed here last night too. The roads are terrible! And the high was 1 degree today, for the most part it was -8. We were short house-wide, so I only had 4 nurses on Sunday and 2 techs with a full floor. And over half the floor was on droplet precautions due to influenza A. Staff are coming down with it despite the mandatory flu shots....Arnela, Cindy, Windy....and Heather O is in distress from her divorce. She started having chest pains and hypertension yesterday, so I took over her team of 6 and was CSN simultaneously. Then as we were finally clocking out at 8pm, they mandated all staff to stay. Thankfully a few minutes later 5 Northers were excused because they know we show up and do our jobs for the most part. The joys of being a floor nurse! I still love it, exhaustion and all. But man I am exhausted!

On another subject, I am really struggling right now. The lawyer called and said Daryl is requesting ALL our text messages from the last 3 years. She suspects he's going to say I'm abusive because I've told him giving up his rights is an option a few times. I'm really worried about how far he's going to try dragging me through the mud. When we first separated I can't recall specifics but I know I texted him some very mean stuff. I hadnt known Christ yet, and I was pregnant working nights and single parenting. It was the most stress I can recall, ever. Then I had Mabel and suffered from some very rough post-partum depression and anxiety. I was sleeping with Greg and miserable. I'm trying to give it all to God, but I'm also terrified. Afraid that all this struggle and lawyer bills will be completely in vain, or even worse that I will come out of it with less than I went in. Daryl's new lawyer is very good at what he does. And lately Kelly sounds disconnected and apathetic....sometimes I swear she sounds like she can't stand me and thinks our case has no merit. She also announced she was pregnant at the last court date, so there's pregnancy brain and exhaustion to figure into this as well. I'm hoping mom and I made the right choice a few months ago when we made the choice to keep her instead of looking into that christian lawyer Maggie recommended. I'm also worried about the financial strain all of this is putting on Grandma Bea. She sounded grumpy last time I asked for lawyer bill money. I also feel guilty because not this time but last I ended up spending some of the lawyer bill money on bills and Christmas. I didn't ask for 1 dollar more this time, even though I was tempted because I have this car sales tax payment and titling due at the end of the month for 1700 dollars I have no clue how I'll pay. That's another part of this giant fiery ball of stress in my stomach...what if I've gotten in over my head with the new car? I was so grateful to have it with the snow, I dont think my van would have made it! Heat is an absolute necessity in negative degree weather. And with the traction control on there were so many times it kicked in and locked my wheels when I was sliding. If I'd been driving the van we'd probably have crashed.

I'm also surrounded by people going through nasty relationship/ divorce issues. Heather O and her husband are really in the thick of it, and its ALL she can talk about/focus on. I really do mean ALL. It gets bad enough I just want to run the other direction when I see her. But in an attempt to be a good friend and Christian, I stay and try to quietly listen without interjecting too much well-meaning advice. The truth is, I don't know what to tell her! Her husband sounds like a real jerk. But she also cheated on him. And when she talks about her disbelief at how cruel he's acting, and how he's manipulating their kids, it just makes me think about when I was in that position and stirs up so many feelings. Absolute disbelief and betrayal at Daryl emptying our bank account, drinking every weekend, not paying child support, getting a girlfriend......he was like a stranger to me. It was the ultimate reckoning. When you stand on the edge and wonder, what have I done????? You can never be prepared for that.

"The man who hates and divorces his wife," says the LORD, the God of Israel, "does violence to the one he should protect." Malachai 2:16 (NSV)

You hate me Daryl, and you broke my heart. And you have tried to continue punishing me for 3 years with this dragged out, circus of a divorce. I'm really feeling it lately. It hurts. More than anything it is terrifying to think about dealing with you until the girls grow up. I'm terrified that you've put me in a financial hole I cannot climb out of. That the girls' weddings and college funds are going to be non-existant thanks to me paying off this debt. That their current living conditions will be affected by it. That you have us in bondage. That I'll have to live with my mentally ill mother for a long time. And yet you have no idea what all of this has done or the repercussions of your actions. Daily I'm trying to give this to God and trust that he will not allow me to remain in bondage.

"For the Lord watches over the path of the Godly, but the path of the wicked leads to destruction." Psalms 1:6 NLT

Prayer: Father, I am struggling with hopelessness, and feeling like a failure. I wish I had nothing to worry about with these texts. I wish I had better control of myself and foresight to know that anything that can be used against me, will. I know people tried to tell me, but I was just angry and looking for a place to unleash it. I feel like a crappy Christian lately, because I'm trying to minister to people around me but I can't get myself under control. Please help me father to tap into your redemption and grace so I can move forward and make better choices. I'm praying that this court date will be within your will, despite the limited tools you have. I know you've worked with less before! Thank you for your endless patience and grace, because I would have given up on me long ago. Please reveal your will to me with clarity. And enable me to fulfill it to the best I can. I love you Father, you are all I have. Amen.

"Spiritual Warfare" by Karl I. Payne

silvershadows86 — Fri, 03 Jan 2014 02:19:58 GMT

Started this book last week, and am currently about 1/3 done. I wanted to journal some thoughts so far!

1) "It's easier to avoid supernatural struggles than to confront them because of the fear of being associated with doctrines outside of our comfort zone." -- So me! I'm constantly freaked out by other Christians. I don't understand them. I fear becoming like them. I'm guilty of judging them as hypocrites or psychotic, probably because I've had so many experiences with people like my mom, Patti Taylor, Cami, Shelly, Lori Weltig, Monica.

Prayer: Father, help me to love other people and other Christians as you love them!

2) "Fear is the number one reason demons often defeat successfully Christians." --He goes on to say that letting fear control us is like saying we believe Satan is stronger than God. Wow.

Prayer: Father, forgive me for the times I've let fear control me and I've failed to fully trust in you. Help me to fear less and trust in you more.

3) "Ignorance is not bliss." -- He mentions that laws of nature exist whether we acknowledge them or not. Knowing your enemy makes you a better fighter.

Prayer: Father, thank you for sending this book into my life as it is making me confront so many of my blind spots. Please enable me to fully see and grasp the concepts being presented to me, and help me to apply the principles with a goal of achieving your will.

4) "Consistent victorious living over the world, the flesh and the devil is possible in Christ, through Christ, for Christ and because of Christ."-- I'm really feeling like one of those "asleep" Christians he mentions....I've been living in in between land waiting for some clarification but not truly seeking it. I don't tithe, read my Bible consistently, pray effectively, watch my actions/ tongue, serve others, control my appetite, abstain, fast....................for whatever reasons, but I really think that I don't believe it is possible! I see so many Christians who struggle with sin having victory over them on a daily basis.

Prayer: Father, please forgive me for lacking faith in your ability to restore me, lift me above the struggles of this world. I renew my vow to you. I want to live a life that glorifies you, not a life that is mediocre and filled with self-serving excuses. Please help me to seek you, understand you and grow my self-control so that I can be the best servant possible for you.

12/29/13

silvershadows86 — Mon, 30 Dec 2013 02:49:56 GMT

Eventful last two days. Friday night the van started smoking and overheated. I had had a new car on the brain even before this event and felt like thats the direction I would probably be taking. Then friday happened and I made up my mind. Saturday morning Sean and I went to test drive a Hyundai Elantra at Dean Hyundai off of Manchester. Mom was home with the girls. After a long struggle with financing (my credit score is 546!?!) I ended up with a bronze 2013 Elantra for 16,000. Payments of 315/mo for 72 months. Mom was VERY unhappy that I bought the first car I drove but Sean and I really did think we were getting a good deal on it. I'm not entirely sure we did, but oh well. Sean had researched cars because he too had just bought a new one, so he knew about the all the sedans in my price range already. I'm freaked out about the comittment of it all and the payments, but I know God will provide. And its nice to have heat after 2 years of not. And a/c! The girls were always overheated in the summer because the back vents didnt work in the van, and the middle windows didnt open. So I was basically cooking them. And in winter they froze due to no heat.

Today sean woke up feeling crummy, slept while the girls and I went to Faith (E Free was having combined service). We came home, ate some lunch, Mabel napped, we took Lydia to Kohl's and bought Mamaw and Papaw's belated christmas presents. Then we went to their house tonight for dinner and presents. We had to early b/c Sean felt so bad but Terri followed us in their van with the presents. The girls got a kitchen playset they loved! And I got a bracelet/earrings and a crock pot cookbook. Very sweet of them! jane knew I just got a programmable crock pot for christmas form Mom.

So bullet points:
-Increase my credit score by paying on-time for the car. Get a credit card. Pay off things that are in collections.
-I want to read more books, especially parenting/ Christian walk ones. I'm struggling.
-Court is coming up the 24th! Need to keep my eye on the prize and be in prayer.
-Need a sitter that opens at 6am and can bus Lydia to school. Or a different job with equally good benefits/pay.
-Need to do Dave Ramsay class? Especially now that I have grown up car payments?
Thank you Jesus!!!!

Christmas 2013

silvershadows86 — Fri, 27 Dec 2013 03:08:03 GMT

This December and Christmas season in general went by in a blur. Court, kid illnesses, car trouble and the like pretty much consumed me. The girls went to see their dad on Christmas Eve at 5, and then I got them back today (Dec 26) at 10am. I missed them like crazy. While they were gone I felt this emptiness, like I was supposed to be be doing something and then I'd remember that my babies were very far from me and even worse I had no idea if they were being well taken care of. But when I got them back this morning everything seemed like it had gone OK with Wendy supervising them the whole time. It's hard to get an accurate picture from Lydia, and I dont want to pry too much. I think she feels like if she tells me anything "bad" that might've happened she won't get to see her daddy again :( Our next court date is January 24th, hopefully its the big one where we get an official ruling on visitation and we can finally get divorced after 3 long years.

We did Christmas at our house with Mom, Sean and the girls on Dec 23rd. It was chaotic and fun. Sean got me a lovely ruby heart shaped ring. I got him some random stuff and an ornament for our first Christmas. The girls were spoiled rotten! I sewed them princess aprons, they got jammies and dolls and clothes and then of course Sean got them Zoomie, an insanely expensive robotic dog that Lydia had been begging for. Santa came the next day and brought Lydia a Lalaloopsy doll and Mabel a doll that uses the potty.

So Christmas Eve after the festivities at Nana Bea's, Sean and I drove back from Vandalia and spent the night at my house. I had to work the next day (Christmas). It was a weird day at work, lacking the usual people and rhythm but we made it through. Sean caught the girls' bug and wasnt feeling so hot. I tried to bring him the traditional "chinese turkey" a la A Christmas Story but no place in Fenton was open. So I brought him a pizza and wine from the gas station and we ate, I got a little too drunk and we passed out in bed with netflix on. This morning I got up, went to Fairview Heights and got the girls back. We went grocery shopping, finally got our chinese food and came home. Lydia acted up all day and then would feel bad and try to make it better by giving me quarters LOL. Poor baby. She is really angry. She kicked me today because she didnt like what I was telling her to do. Scary stuff. Thats the crappy thing about divorce, I never know if I'm equipping her properly to deal with all the stresses form it. Mabel too, but she's still little.

I struggled this year with the busy-ness, consumerism and Santa stuff. In previous years I have always been the #1 Christmas/Santa fan but this year I wanted to barf. All I could think about was the wastefulness of it all, the distraction from the real meaning of Christmas. I prayed for guidance on the matter and protection from too much of the fake stuff. My heart was never in it. And Nana Bea's house felt so distinctly different, I just kept wishing I didn't have to be there. I wanted to go to church. A bunch of grands and great grands weren't even there and it felt disrespectful to Nana Bea. Not to mention my girls were gone too. Maggie wasn't there because of all her bipolar things that have gone on lately she's not speaking to Mom or I, and I'm just avoiding getting tangled up her mental illness. Jenny is fighting with Bea, Mom, Julie and Geno. John is fighting with people too. Colleen, Jason, Matt, Steve, Brian, and Susie weren't there. It was the barest Christmas Eve I can ever remember. You could see it written on people's faces that they were grinning and bearing it for Nana Bea. How different from my lovely childhood memories of that night. If only Grandpa Gene could see how things are now.

So please self, remember this for next year! Help your kids focus on giving to the needy and the true significance of the birth of Christ. Let Santa and Elf on the Shelf stay in hiding. Avoid the mass gift giving and overeating and shopping and events. I will be praying about this all year long for a change to come. Merry Christmas!

Lies Women Believe....

silvershadows86 — Thu, 03 Jan 2013 18:58:04 GMT

Great book by Nancy Leigh DeMoss. What's incredibly frightening to me is the shape of my soul, which I thought wasn't doing too bad. WRONG! I knew I've been drifting lately, but honestly this book is revealing so many things to me. Not easy to see things either. Hence the crude list about to follow:

*Mom.....I should treat her with more respect, to show a good example to the girls. Also, is it time we live separately? She's anxious all the time and says its due to lack of breathing room. I think it's because she's doing too much with the girls....I feel like the blame lies with me for not monitoring the situation properly. I should've seen the warning signs, been more vigilant, intervened sooner.
***As I wrote this, I felt the knot of anger in my chest unclench for the first time in 3 days. I sent her apology flowers...hope it helps.

*Greg, Kevin, Jon....I've been oscillating between good girl and depraved hussy. No wonder they can't keep up. I've been leading 2 guys on at the time same time, even though I haven't technically lied it still feels wrong....is wrong. I've let the boundaries blur wide open. I've been trying anything lately to fill the gaping hole of loneliness inside me. I've been acting like the kind of girls I despise....attention seeking, settling for guys I don't want just to not be alone and have an excuse to get out of the house. And it became so....easy. Frightening how sin goes from strange to habit in the blink of an eye.
This leads into unfulfilled longings.....I've been under the impression that the only way to stay sane is to have occasional sex or junk food or tv or whatever to keep the longings from taking me under. Nancy says in the book that we will NEVER feel completely fulfilled this side of heaven and that we have to suffer these longings until they can be fulfilled in a godly manner (i.e. sex within a marriage, food but not to excess)

There's more but I need to clean while the babies nap. Much love!

I'm no Carrie Bradshaw.

silvershadows86 — Sat, 29 Dec 2012 16:36:41 GMT

I am not Carrie Bradshaw. Shocking, I know. But for some reason for my foray into this crazy dating world has left me wandering aimlessly in the desert of confusion with only Sex and the City Marathons to turn to for help. And, I have realized that....I don't belong! I'm not Miranda. I'm not Carrie. I'm definitely not Samantha. I'm probably closest to..... a Charlotte. I have no other "me-like" friends to reference, and it is quite frustrating. And I'm getting angry and dissapointed, quite frankly, that this dating world is so positively skeevy. Are chivalry and romance and courting and boundaries for God's sake dead?! Just because you bought my ticket to the movie does not give you the right to shove your hand in my bra while we're watching it! Or to whip your junk out in the car and try to get me to hop on it. I'm ticked at my generation! At women, for allowing this sorry excuse for dating to pass as acceptable. Rally, girls! I'm not saying we go back to corsets and dowries, but surely there is a middle ground. Somewhere gentlemen have to exist. After multiple failed attempts, I feel cheapened, disgusted, and frustrated. I've been in one too many awkward situations to feel brave enough to try again. Real men are in hiding. All that's left are these manipulators who will say whatever you want to hear until the time comes for them to whip their penises out in a parked car. Peace out dating world. Grow up, have some decency, and quit acting like we know nothing better than our basest of instincts.

This girl is on fire.

silvershadows86 — Tue, 27 Nov 2012 16:58:06 GMT

"We got our heads in the clouds and we're not coming down. This girl is on fire!" -Alicia Keys

I was thinking about how less than 2 years ago I was trying to fold myself into a smaller person than I am so I could fit into the box Daryl wanted me to stay in so badly. It goes beyond feminism, it's a specific situation when I say today I can't see myself functioning that way.........being some little wifey, trying to hold everything together and spread myself so thin I become invisible. And to have it be worth nothing in the end anyway. Today I don't have everything I want, materialistically, emotionally, or spiritually....but one thing I've got going is I've found ME. I'm warrior strong, compassionate, intelligent,imperfect, funky, alive. That situation had killed me slowly, until only embers burned faintly inside me. I'm too liberal for church, too moral to be liberal. Too emotional for casual sex, too injured for a relationship. Too beautiful to think myself ugly, too imperfect to think myself gorgeous. Too smart to think myself dumb, too ignorant to think myself ingenious. And I love myself just the way I am, an original. Maybe I didn't start out special or original, but circumstances have tried me by fire until I came out a new thing.

It's this strength that I'm thriving on......I don't feel beaten anymore, confused, floating aimlessly. I'm going somewhere and I'm taking my loved ones with me, leaving all else behind. I'm not backing down.

Oh, boy.

silvershadows86 — Sat, 24 Nov 2012 02:30:23 GMT

My nerves are frayed. It seems like a first world problem to complain about, but I'm fed up with not having my own bedroom. And I don't see any relief in sight. I just get the girls to bed, I'm in my pjs and I'd like to unwind....thats when Mom comes home from work starts banging around in the kitchen and blabbing on about her day when I'd just like to sit in a quiet corner and read a book. Really, thats not alot to ask.

I think the winter blues have set in. I was feeling sexy and free, loving life as best I could when WHAM! all of a sudden I feel like I'm going to be alone forever, life is meaningless and I'm in a faith crisis. It also coincided with "loophole weekend" at Jon's house. I have complicated feelings about the whole thing and I'm not sure I've been entirely honest with myself. I went up there to have a weekend of sexy no strings attached drunken fun, and I got what I asked for, including a yeast infection, dislocated shoulder, and 2 day hangover. I also made a mess out of the emotional part of it as well. Sex is never uncomplicated....duh! Why do I always believe I'm immune to the operational rules of life? I'm a dreamer I guess. Anyways, he was super nice...he planned a cutsey weekend of fun stuff in Springfield, cooked for me, let me pick stuff on the tv....and it got me thinking "Damn, he's actually kinda funny and easy to be around...I think I'd like strings with this guy!" so I text him and he flat out turns me down. Also then he never said anything but "that sux" about my shoulder......seriously you fucked my shoulder out of its socket and you can't even say "I'm sorry"? Maybe it's sour grapes but now I feel like I dodged a bullet.

But that has left an emotional hole of its own.......when do I actually get my guy? Was Daryl it? We were wrong for each other but there were times of absolute love that we did share......is that my life's allotment? If this was one of my friends I'd be saying, "Girl, you're not even thirty why are you worrying about this?" But it's me. I have abandonment/daddy issues and I need the validation that somebody, ANYBODY wants to have a meaningful relationship with me. I know I'm good in bed. I know I get along great with the guys because I'm sarcastic and easy-going. What I don't know is what I'm really looking for, or who I'm gonna turn out to be.

June 27, 2012.

silvershadows86 — Thu, 28 Jun 2012 03:24:44 GMT

Would you please get our from under my skin
For I can't begin this yet
And I don't know what my intentions are
They're speaking in a different tongue
And deep inside, I'm not as tough as I seem
But I won't let you know
Until it's right, I'm gonna stay my distance
And you should go

Crazy as it all plays out
I think I'm lonelier than I've ever been before
'Cause I was so close
To going through that door
But I don't want to be to blame for them
I don't want to be to blame

Would you please get our from under my skin
'Cause I can't begin this yet
And I don't know what my intentions are
They're speaking in a different tongue
And deep inside, I'm not as tough as I seem
But I won't let you know
Until it's right, I'm gonna stay my distance
And you should go, go, go
Oh, would you please get out
I'm not as strong as I seem, but I won't let you know...

I'm really lonely, and I see no reprieve in sight. I keep wondering when it's time to stop grieving for my marriage, my dreams, the good parts about D that I miss. I tried to clean out the DVD's and it's such a dumb thing to care about but it was a large part of our relationship. They were like little time portals I would touch and be transported back to the time we bought the movie together or snuggled on the couch while watching or he bought me as a present. I do miss that stuff, the sweet times. It wasn't all bad....I wouldn't have stayed 3 years if it was. This feeling is like a giant rock in my stomach. Ugh. I promised God I wouldn't date until my divorce is through, to do things the right way, but after only a month I'm damn lonely and scared. I also keep revisiting the many mistakes I've made during this separation. I can't control his actions, or in this case reactions, but I can see now that keeping him from calling and seeing he has hurt Lydia so much. I thought I was protecting her from his insanity but I don't think it's turning out any less harmful. She's been crying alot over him lately and it breaks my heart. This process has been the worst on her. But I don't let my thoughts linger on it or my heart would split in two. I'll never know for sure, but I felt leaving was best for the girls, to not grow up in a toxic household. I wish I'd been a stronger Christian at the time, but I wasn't. I would have pushed harder for marriage counseling. But that chance is long gone. What hurts the most is that all he can see is his own pain.....he just has never understood the way I cared about him, so now he can't see how much leaving him has hurt me and continues to hurt.

I know what I should be focusing on right now, but I can't seem to make myself care for long stretches at a time. This fog around my brain is dense from new baby, stress, etc...so I'm trying to be easy on myself as possible. It can be difficult since I have the tendency to place impossibly high standards on myself. I just want to be a good mom, good person, good Christian, good daughter, good sister, good friend. But I fall short of the Glory of God and everything else. I should relish in God's love more, the fact that he loves me as I am--completely imperfect, and I am useful to him anyway.

June 25, 2012

silvershadows86 — Mon, 25 Jun 2012 12:02:41 GMT

"And as soon as you have re-arranged the mess in your head, he will show up looking sane, perfectly sane....if I know Crazy." --Tori Amos

Everything about this process is hard. That usually indicates that it is a worthwhile endeavor. I hope. Yesterday Pastor Steve talked about focus. He said the re-arranging of the detail will change themselves if we change our focus. I thought about my focus, how it's been everywhere but home, as evidenced by my livejournal posts and other things. I write about Daryl, Greg, Mom, my pain. At home I craft, watch netflix, clean. But how often do I truly focus on God? And on my girls? I am praying for a refocusing of my lens onto what is important.

June 22, 2012

silvershadows86 — Sat, 23 Jun 2012 03:40:59 GMT

Life update: Where to begin? And wheret not to? Might as well start with the damned men. I'm proud of myself for not texting Greg in about 2 weeks; fighting the daily urge to pick at the scab and text him a, "Miss me? :p" text. I'm ashamed for even admitting in writing that I would give him the time of day after finding out that he is a liar, manipulator, cheater, and garden variety jerk. Still working on that...

Daryl, I havent really spoken to in about 3 months other than a phone call to Lyd on father's day and a text from him asking me to send his w-2's. I miss him, and also really not. I suspect it's just my memory playing tricks on me like it tends to do....showing me only the glossy shiny thoughts and burying the dark ones.

Non Y chromosome happenins' include Mabel being 6 months old and about 3 days from crawling (need to baby-proof! augh.) and me having a phone interview with ssm on monday. More change, but I'm hardly even phased anymore. Change is what I need right now....to not sit around and watch netflix all day and load the dishwasher.....to help people, learn things, earn a living would be a balm to my soul right now. Of course the details stress me out but God is faithful. Now if only I could be more faithful to him instead of neglecting to read my bible, praying when its convenient, and defiling my body. I know one day he will set me free from all that :)

Goodnight.

May 31, 2012.

silvershadows86 — Thu, 31 May 2012 22:55:13 GMT

It's a crappy mood day. The first half was ok, but as the day goes on I find myself getting depressed again. I'm frustrated with people, and I'm finding it hard to care right now. Which sucks, because I have the girls who kind of need me to care.

I'm just so fucking mad at Daryl. How is it even possible that he gets to go on about his life like they don't exist? Like they don't need their father? This anger inside of me is towards him. He's lucky all I did at Hardee's was shove him....I could've murdered his ass. Leaving me alone like this to raise these 2 forever is such crap. I despise him right now. He's worthless.

And Mom. Lied to me, toyed with me because she is just another fucked up person who thinks I'm here to be manipulated.

If I had a wound I could dress it. But what is the treatment for this poisonous sea of anger and pain inside me? It never drowns me. Most days I wish it would so I could give into numbness....because all I see is a meaningless empty life ahead of me filled with hardship.

May 29, 2012.

silvershadows86 — Tue, 29 May 2012 21:21:59 GMT

This path is surprising and difficult all the time lately. I said that I felt like my "compass" was broken after my relationship with Daryl ended.....I definitely feel like my compass is broken but maybe the grand plan is not to fix it after all? After all the hurts I have had hurled at me lately, I would normally retreat, tell everyone in my life to give me some space and lick my wounds for a while. But since I made the decision to "give Jesus my stool" (from a video in church), I find myself wondering how this is supposed to work? Do I just wake up everyday, have faith, and follow where the path leads? How involved am I supposed to be in the decision-making? I can feel that he is not going to allow me to withdraw this time. I have people who need me not to do that...I'm supposed to keep giving from my heart even though it feels broken. It's a painful process and I have no idea where it's going to lead...

May 28, 2012. Thoughts...

silvershadows86 — Mon, 28 May 2012 12:53:42 GMT

I want to stop playing recent events over in my head, to stop torturing myself. But for now I find myself up at 3 am, replaying all Greg's lies in my head......how he was able to manipulate me so easily. I wanted to believe the best in him, but that's no comfort to me now. I find myself wondering if he really cared about me at all. Or did I just look like an easy target? Did he assume my self-esteem was so low? Was it? Obviously I put up with more than any sane person would have these last 2 months. I'm disgusted with myself. My heart is broken. And the person who broke it was me, with my incredibly foolish choices. I thought myself more immune than most to manipulations after my experiences with people like my father and mother, Daryl.....obviously I'm no super woman, just human. But I'm still incredibly disappointed that I ignored all the warning signs....he was constantly late or stood me up. He rarely called me, only texted, and when I called he never answered unless he was at work. But what I can't get over is how many times I'd hint or even directly ask if something was up.....I asked him if he was seeing anyone else, he said no. I told him he seemed too good to be true, he said I shouldn't worry about the other shoe dropping. I asked him if his ex thought they were getting back together and he skirted very nicely around the question.

He was relentless with his lies........I can't fathom how someone could live like that. I guess that's why I underestimated him...because I couldn't and still can't wrap my brain around it.

May 27, 2012. The Messages.

silvershadows86 — Sun, 27 May 2012 13:05:26 GMT

Messages
Actions
Erin Garrison Langston

Mary Prince
14 hours ago
Mary Prince

Um, hello......I'm the one who took Greg & Noah to the ren faire today, and for some reason this has caused a giant problem but I'm not sure why. All I know is greg said it caused a problem with you, unfriended me, stopped texting me, and he can go jump in a lake for all I care if that's how he's gonna act but I wondered if there was something about this situation I didn't know? Not trying to cause drama, hoping to diminish it actually. I have an ex-husband and two kids so I completely understand how tricky this territory can get and I wouldn't want to cause any problems [:)]
Erin Garrison Langston
9 hours ago
Erin Garrison Langston

I honestly don't know what to think. We are still married but Have been separated for quite some time; in limbo wanting ti be together but have much difficulty getting past our issues. He's swears you're just friends. He's upset because I saw the pic on Facebook and I caught him in a lie. He had made me think that only he took our son. We spent the rest if the day and evening together as I believed him... I don't want any problems either [:(]
Mary Prince
6 minutes ago
Mary Prince

Thank you for replying......I'm torn about getting involved in this, but it seems Greg makes a habit of lying to the people in his life. We are just friends now, but that's only because I broke up with him on Tuesday after I caught him in multiple lies. We dated for the last 2 months, and for the majority of that he had me under the impression that you two had gotten divorced while you were pregnant with Noah. When I found out he was still married I was really upset, because my ex husband cheated on me, and I would never date a married man. He swore you two barely even get along, and that he wanted to start divorce the process. I broke up wtih him a week later when he stood me up on one of our dates. He said he wanted to be friends, he cared about me and blah blah blah. When I told him I was going to the Ren Faire he asked if he and Noah could go. I was trying to be a good friend so I said yes. When I tagged him in that picture, he unfriended me and didn't even say why except that it had caused him problems with you. Hours later after I messaged you he texted me and said you were mad that he had a stranger around Noah.

If this whole time he also had you believing that you two were trying to work things out, I am very sorry! I can tell you that is not what he told me or I never would have dated him.

-Mary

May 26, 2012. The Ren Faire.

silvershadows86 — Sun, 27 May 2012 01:43:17 GMT

Wow, wow, wow.......that's all I can think as I sit here wondering how this day went from potentially great to me crying over Greg AGAIN! We are even just "friends" now and he has made me cry! I let him have it via text.....not what I wanted to say which was "Fuck you! Get as far away from me as humanly possible!!!!!!!!!!" but instead some choice words on what being a friend really means and how sorry doesnt fix much anymore.

I hate recounting, but I know later I will look back on this and want specifics. So here goes:

Yesterday, I friendly text him to say I'm going to the Ren Faire with the girls today. He asks if he and Noah could come..................I knew I should say no, but I didn't. Why? I'm afraid to answer that. Because part of me loves being treated badly? Yep. Because I'm afraid to let go? Absolutely. Also I somehow had the notion that as a good Christian I should show him kindness, because it seems he has rarely encountered it in his life and I do care about his soul. Now I'm wondering upon reflection if I was using that as justification in my mind. But to delve into my dark, twisted psyche is not really advisable right now..........

So he and Noah are surprisingly on time, Noah was adorable, and we had a blast other than it being 1 million degrees. So I get home and upload a pic of him and Lydia, tag him, and then find out that he unfriended me shortly thereafter. I texted him, he said his ex was all over him and he was sorry.

I texted him about 10 times, at first apologizing for causing drama, then progressively getting ticked as he didn't respond. Finally he friend requests me again on fb, then texts and apologizes. I told him I was tired of crying over him. His response? "I know :( I'm sorry. I really don't want to hurt you. I do care about you"

At this point I don't care! I'm not even responding because I would not act Christian at all right now! He is toxic to me! I need someone who helps me create happiness in my life, not destroys it. He has stressed me out more times than I can allow anymore. It's not fair to me or the girls when I get so sad and it takes me a day or two to come back from it. When I look at it that way, he's stealing days from my life! I said I want to choose happiness.....I'm learning part of that process is saying no to unhappiness also! It's an active process. I need to protect the stability and happiness I'm working so hard for and not just let any old person worm their way in to easily crash it. My heart is broken, and I'm blaming myself.

Lord, please help me to forgive myself, and Greg. I want to make him suffer the way he has made me suffer...please help me to remember he is just another one of your lost children. Please help me to find the boundaries between love and pain, if those boundaries exist. Please forgive me for allowing this to take me away from the job you have set aside for me, and from my girls. I feel such extreme guilt over getting myself into this situation again, allowing him to be part of our lives knowing he was not going to last. Forgive me for hurting my girls Lord, please. Help me to gain understanding and learn the lesson that is in all of this. Help me to heal from all this pain inside my heart and head. Please don't let this harden my heart towards people, because I am feeling exhausted! Thank you for your endless love, that doesn't hurt the way human love does. Thank you for being my perfect Father and friend when the world repeatedly turns its back on me and I create messes that hurt myself and others. I love you! I will praise you in this storm! Amen.

May 24, 2012

silvershadows86 — Fri, 25 May 2012 02:37:29 GMT

"What's this feeling? My love will rip a hole in the ceiling. Giving myself to you from the essence of my being. Sing to my God these songs of love and healing."---- Matisyahu

I was contemplating my unworthiness....how I could either let the feelings of inferiority stand between myself and God, or I could rejoice in the absolute beauty of receiving a gift I could never ever deserve. Satan wants me to wallow in this self pity and doubt, dragging my heels against what the Holy Spirit whispers in my heart everyday, but I choose to stand against that mind-frame now.

My choices, my "independence", my arrogance are what have brought me to this place. I have been half-living. A year ago this upcoming Sunday is the first time I walked into a church and felt God speak to me.....not my mother's version of God, but the actual One. He asked me to surrender my anguish to him, to trust. It was like a whisper on the wind, building strength until one day in June 2011 I crossed the threshold into his love. And I have never been the same. I honestly feel I would have committed suicide or ended up back with Daryl if it wasn't for Him lending me His strength. But these last 2 months I chose to put myself back into the chains of my old life, where I foolishly did what I "knew" was best for me and the people around me.......and my joy vanished. I felt angry, empty, cold, ashamed, heartsick. I prayed but felt my prayers bouncing off the sky. I knew what I was supposed to do but I felt I "deserved" a little comfort and attention from Greg. My life fell apart at the seams again.

But I won't let the shame of my betrayal against God continue to be the rift between us. I'm letting it go to Him. I prayed for the strength to break things off with Greg, and He showed me mercy by making it easy on me. We said we could be friends, it didn't end months from now with my heart in little pieces on the floor....and I know that's exactly how it would have been. Could I have recovered from another heartbreak like that? I'm glad I don't have to find out.

Rules are on what is on my mind now.....I felt I could bend the rules He put in place to keep me safe....so arrogant. I experienced firsthand that those rules are my saving grace, they may be difficult to follow but not nearly as painful as the earthly consequences of not. I'm not a rule follower by nature....rules tick me off, they challenge me, they make me get ugly. But God's rules are different to me now.....I see them as welcome relief from this world I just don't have the strength to navigate anymore. When I drink, I always regret the choices I make, even if its just staying up too late or feeling like crap in the morning....or worse, like chatting with Aaron Niles. No sex before marriage always seemed like an outdated rule.....but I know beyond a doubt now that it is for my protection, from myself. I can't control myself, I fall in love, and I obsess, and then there's all the other things like STD's and pregnancy to worry about. There are too many variables, and I can't manage them all no matter how educated or careful I am.

Apples..... I know now that I'm not one of those easy to reach apples all the guys go for. I'm one of the special ones, way at the top, that not just any guy is willing to climb up and get. I've done things the rotten apple way, now I see I need to be a patient apple sitting at the top, basking in the sun.

Redeeming Love........that book is etched on my heart. Wanting my own "Micheal Hosea" was part of the reason I was able to end things with Greg. He's a long way from that.

Prayer box.....write my concerns on slips of paper, date them, and give them over to God.

Tin can telephones.......you can't listen while you're talking to God.

Singing..........I read that telling God "not right now" is the same as saying no. He wants me to join praise choir. I need to just do it, and let Him worry about the rest.

Lord, help me as I try to take all of this in. It has taken me far longer than it should to choose obedience to you, and I feel robbed of the joy of the process since I had to let life beat me into submission rather than relying on faith. Thank you for your mercy. I know my lessons could have been far worse than they have been lately. Help me heal, Lord. My heart and soul are aching from trying to find my salvation in men, when all along it was you. Help me to have faith that you are the one who will fix myself, set me on the path.....that it is nothing I do. Your mercy is more than my mind and soul will ever grasp while I'm here. Thank you!

My "perfect man" list

silvershadows86 — Sat, 19 May 2012 02:03:16 GMT

I know there's no such thing as a "perfect" person, but I'd like to at least get in writing so that I have something to refer to :)

Ahem, my perfect man, he:

- Values knowledge and education, even if he doesn't have a super awesome degree.
- Loves to read
- Good with kids, preferably a single dad.
- Likes to get out of the house and do things like go to the park, museums, concerts, etc.
- Takes the initiative, doesn't wait for me to plan everything. And actually has good plans :)
- Keeps his word. Doesn't make promises he has no intention or capability of following through on.
- Good with mechanical stuff like basic car stuff at least, putting furniture together, fixing the dishwasher. I'm tired of being the man of the house!
- Has a solid faith. Someone who will pray with me and study the Bible with me. But doesn't buy into the condescending women are of lesser value theology.
- Picks up after himself, isn't a slob.
- Has a steady job and good work ethic.
- Romantic and spontaneous. Remembers important dates and holidays. Texts or calls me frequently :)
- Good with his money, understands what "budget" means. Also plans for the future so we can buy a house, gives the kids college funds and the like.
- Isn't a cheater. The old saying is true....once a cheater, always a cheater. Or my fave, if he'll cheat with you he'll cheat on you.
- Understands my moods and doesn't judge my OCD tendencies too badly.
- Provides stability for the girls. Helps me set boundaries and keep them.
- Likes to exercise/be active. Preferably someone I can jog with or play sports with!
- Good in bed. Doesn't use the same old bag of tricks every time lol.
- Doesn't have a ton of emotional baggage he hasn't sorted through.
- Isn't moody and passive aggressive
- Likes to cook and eat healthy
- Likes to cuddle <3
- Is mentally and emotionally strong enough to not let me push him around, but doesn't always have to be in charge either.
- Has a heart for missions, and like to do volunteer work.

Are you out there mister? I'm looking for you so I hope you're looking for me too <3

silvershadows86 — Fri, 18 May 2012 16:00:52 GMT

I dont think I can handle this!!! Greg...found out today that he's still married, then he says its my fault I didn't know because I dont ask about his life. First of all....I do ask. And he always dances around the question.......actually nevermind.

Im not even to go into the details. My heart is just hurting, and my head knows what I should do. Bottom line is, when a guy makes you feel confused and guilty, something is up. He's hiding something for sure. I need to do the right thing by me and break it off before he decimates my heart. I just hate the thought of being alone again. It's pretty sad that I let that motivate me, but yeah thats a part of it.

:,(

May 16 2012

silvershadows86 — Thu, 17 May 2012 04:27:30 GMT

3-7pm was School's Out celebration at FBC. I ran the face painting booth :) Got a sunburn but had fun hanging out with the lovely Linda Lillico.

Greg is on his way back to STL from Texas. I'm not very pleased, because he told me he'd be back Friday, but he's actually getting back around midnite tonight. I found this out from Meredith tagging him in crap on facebook like always. For example:

1) "I gotta go pick up Noah early from daycare, by babe!"......................tagged less than 20 minutes later with Meredith in STL still.

2) No mention whatsoever of Meredith going with him to TX, yet there she is again tagging herself on his trip! When I jokingly said I was jealous that he's in TX for 2 weeks with another woman, he just lol'ed and said she's "just a friend and married".........smells fishy anyways to me.

3) "When will you be back babe?" Him: "Friday".............tagged by Meredith saying they're hitting STL around midnite.

Douchebaggery appears to be on-board, and I can't do this again. This is the kind of junk Daryl put through with his evasiveness.

*****update: I texted and asked him what the deal was without trying to sound pissed out and ready to break up with with him....his response: "I left early because meredith is driving me fucking insane. We wont be hanging out much after this!"

Oh man, I need to not be so damn happy about this. And he just asked if he could call me in a bit.....quit.being.happy.you.jealous.crazy.person.

This is why I hate relationships....one minute I'm pissed as heck, the next I'm elated that he wants to call ME and complain about the lady I've been jealous of for taking up his time for the last 2 months. I am incapable of feeling emotionally stable when I'm crushing on a guy.

May 3rd 2012...Lydia's birthday

silvershadows86 — Fri, 04 May 2012 02:59:05 GMT

Where to begin?

Mom going through my phone, TEXTING GREG, and then justifying it and doing it again.

Having to talk to Pastor Steve about Aaron Niles's issues.

Having to quit school 4 days in so I can go back to work and get my own place because of this Mom junk.

Today was Lydia's birthday, Daryl decided to call, and I ignored his call. Really????? You haven't called in a month and you want to upset her on birthday.....really awesome. Asshat.

Dad told Stef and Holly they had to choose between me and him........really mature. He "forbid" them from coming to Lyd's party too. I'm kinda ticked at them too for playing into his retarded games. They're grownups now, well sorta.

Just found out Greg is leaving for San Antonio for 2 weeks!!! Ugh.

Been having uncontrollable suicidal thoughts....like when I was jogging at the YMCA, I couldn't get this image of me slitting my wrists and painting the walls with my blood. Which then in turn freaks me out because I don't want those thoughts in my head.

Let's see....yeah that about covers it.

So then of course I have to complicate it by turning it into this cocktail of personal guilt, spiritual distress, and longing. I've been punishing myself for weeks before all this started, and now.......it's starting to have a weird effect of waking me up.....I guess my inner warrior princess has finally had enough and she's ready to stand and fight once again. My only issue is I don't know how long she'll be able to help, all the crap of this last year about killed her. She didn't get out of bed for weeks. And she wasn't done licking her wounds but she's up again, wobbly and pale, but she's holding ground so far.

*I'm reminded of Sharon Neil, in bible study talking about how guilt is largely an American phenomenon...how in Africa no one asks, 'Why God, did you do this to me?" they just believe things happen, and not for any reason. Maybe thats my life right now......and always.....things just happen. Things happen.

April 20, 2012

silvershadows86 — Sat, 21 Apr 2012 02:16:49 GMT

I'd like to be a more consistent journaler, so I would have record of my daily life instead of just these emotional dumping sessions.......sigh.

Divorcing daryl, got a lawyer, feeling like crap. I'm depressed!!!! There, I said it. Everything is hanging on me like 10 lb weights and I have finally given in and let it all drag me down. I feel like a prisoner in this cramped apartment, I can't function as a parent or as a human being. Im dating Greg, but everytime I interact with him I feel even lonelier. He's not right for me I'm pretty sure, but I'm so lonely and miserable I can't let go. Then theres fucking Aaron Niles who used bibles verses and prayer to talk to me then started flirting with me and then said douche-y crap like "shhh dont tell anyone Im putting the moves on you!" etc. WTH? WTF?!!!! is more like it. He skeeves me out most of all. And then has the nerve to text me. FUCK people. FUCK men. They take from me until I have nothing left to give, and then theres 10 more guys in line waiting for a piece of me. And I would have killed to have this kind of attention from men in high school is the sad part.....now I get so much attention I feel like a 7/11! But not a one of these guys actually cares about me. Greg wants someone to fuck and meet his emotional needs. Aaron....probably same thing, except he enjoys manipulating people and Greg is just genuinely defunct. Then theres the Okcupid guys......Matt, Joe, Carmel.....they all want something different. I thought getting out into the dating world would cure my blues.............Hah! Men are trouble, and I was unprepared. Not to mention being a single parent and dating is fucking awesome. Daryl cant even take the girls on his every other weekend he's been acting so dumb. I know its the cliche saying to be like, "it's ok to feel like you need a break!", but I dont need those feelings validated. What I need is to have more strength, more patience, more dedication so I can make these girls into healthy people...which I've been failing miserably at. I dont even like them right now, I cant find the joy in my own children like I used to. God...I sound like the poster child for post partum.

I need this bottomless emptiness, this ceaseless loneliness to dissipate. I had joy, I had peace, and now all of a sudden I'm bottoming out. I can point to the exact moment my train went off the rails (the day daryl said he pays me child support so he can babysit his own kids, then left lydia screaming daddy dont leave me!), but I cant figure out how to get back on. I am so tired I can't even feel the pain anymore. I'd kill myself if I had the gumption. But even thats more thought than I am capable of right now.

My soul hurts. I didnt even know that was possible.

January 4, 2011.

silvershadows86 — Wed, 04 Jan 2012 18:42:16 GMT

Wowwwwww. Daryl never ceases to amaze me. He comes up here to see Lydia this weekend, BEFORE we've talked about if we were actually going through with the divorce or not, and he is acting like the deed is already done. Which, was ok with me because I had decided this week that divorce is indeed the best option. I had decided to be cool and friendly, not criticize and just let him do his dad thing. He has been attached at the hip to his cellphone, which is really weird. Then he comes up here yesterday, is a half hour late with no apology, plays with Lydia for 2 hours and then asks me if it's ok if he takes a nap..............................I'm just gonna highlight that I have been feeding Mabel round the clock for almost a month now, with no reprieve. Enough said.

Then today mom and I ask him to take Lydia to chuck e cheese if we pay for it, and he refuses saying that he wouldn't drive in St.Louis without me. So he agrees to take her to Burger King in town, but doesn't look happy about it.

He gets back, and is hovering all around me, wanting to chat. I ask him who's been texting him and he says the gaming group. I check his phone, and they have, but so has Amy...."want me to cook you dinner tonight?"

I can't stand him.

Jan 2, 2011.

silvershadows86 — Mon, 02 Jan 2012 17:29:42 GMT

Happy New Year!

2012, I'm expecting ALOT out of you.

This year I had decided enough of "resolutions" like I normally do....losing weight, being a better person, etc... I decided I would resolve to let God have control this year. Rev Steve is always talking about how we can't do anything by our own means, only through God working through us. So that's my resolution...to let God have my life and to follow where he leads me. Surely he can make a much better change in me than I am capable of.

So then I went to church yesterday and I saw that the congregation as a whole is taking part in the "radical challenge"....http://www.northeast-christian.com/resources/radicalchallenge
It's a 5 part challenge that includes:

Commit To Read The Bible In 1 Year--I signed up on youverse .com to read the bible chronologically
Commit To Pray For The Entire World--there are "passports" at church where we get a weekly prayer assignment
Commit To Multiplying Community--This is the one I'm unclear on. I think it was commit to our church family and to witnessing.
Commit To Sacrifice My Money For A Specific Purpose--Haven't decided on this one yet...I thought about giving up pizza for a year...but I don't want to set myself up to fail!
Commit To Give My Time In Another Context--David Platt recommends 2% of our time in a year, which equals 1 week. Alan Wattles suggested different things in our community like Dauphin Island, but what struck me the most was the Covering House. It's a new ministry for victims of sex trafficking in STL.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

On another note...I've decided to divorce Daryl. No more waffling, no more questioning if I can do more. Unless he shows me some grand gesture, which I sincerely doubt he will. I talked to Mom and Kaycee separately...granted they are both D haters but I needed to hear some of why I should leave him for good, because in my head I have thousands of flimsy reasons to stay. Reasons, I suspect, I will always have at the end of the day rolling around in my head causing endless doubt.

Basically what Mom said is this--What do I think has changed enough for me to go back? Because all she sees is me changing and him staying the same. She said she thinks it would be me thinking that I could fix things by changing myself, but he wouldnt change and it would end the same.
Kaycee said--I would just be kicking a dead horse. She said she has seen me try and try and try and expect different results. She also said it wouldn't hurt to see what the world is like "outside of daryl". I can see the logic in that, since I tend to feel trapped in crazyland sometimes when I'm with him. She also said that the girls need to see me in a healthy relationship so they can model thgat when they grow up. Ouch, but true. Daryl and I put the patent on dysfunctional.

December 27, 2011.

silvershadows86 — Wed, 28 Dec 2011 02:47:28 GMT

Daryl and I had another 'talk" tonight. I had tried on Christmas, but I was exhausted and sick so I could hardly form sentences. I texted him tonight and asked if he wanted to talk since he had worked an early shift and was off, he said to call him, so I did. We covered alot of ground, but made hardly any progress it seemed to me. He cried (at least it sounded that way), and I could feel how me leaving really hurt him deeply....he feels I abandoned him, our marriage, and took the girls. We talked about how he missed Mabel's birth, and he genuinely feels that its my fault, since I'm the one who moved up here in the first place. He said that he felt this immense pressure to keep his job since its the only thing supporting all of us, which I get. He also made the point that he was there for the first 2 days, his only days off that week, and that he was back within 4 hours after the c-section to see her.

It was a different side of him....either that or I am different too....but I really understood. I felt his pain, and for the one of very few times I sympathised. It's been unsteady ground for such a long time, I had to not sympathise with him so I could stand my ground. But tonight there was nothing to lose...we're already inches from divorce so what more damage could we do?

The verdict? We still don't understand each other on alot of things. He talked about the day at the park when Lydia had sun poisoning and he still seemed to think he didn't do anything wrong. We talked about alot of the same old shit and neither one of us magically understood the other one. We both still feel we are right, the other one is wrong. But at the same time, I could see his pain. I felt how he felt, I knew how things affected him even if I didn't understand the logic.

I feel like getting a divorce would be the easiest thing. But tonight I saw that there was life left in this marriage. I believe that if we both gave it our best effort, and went to marriage counseling we stand a chance. I don't know if we're up for that though....it'd be alot of damn hard work. And on top of that we'd have to function as a married couple for the girls' sake until we figured things out. And I don't know how damaged we are.....are we too far gone? Too hurt to trust the other one again? Can we let go of the anger?

Not without God's help. If we could make this marriage work on our own we would have done it. I know that with alot of prayer and patience God would breathe life into this marriage and make it strong again. But Daryl doesn't even believe. It'd be my burden to carry the spiritual part of that. I have faith that eventually God would speak to him and he would receive it though.

Alot of faith.....that's what's required of me now. Faith that no matter how this turns out, the girls and I will be ok.