I am now single.

I will write up the details elsewhere, but suffice it to say that I was blindsided with the news on the way to the grocery store on Saturday that he thought we weren't meeting each others' needs, and he wasn't sure he was willing to try out my suggestions to meet each others' needs. This, after no big fight in particular, and the night before spent out dancing. This, after hearing how ardently he wanted to make it work when he asked for me to reconsider our breakup in March. I was, and am, more or less at a loss to explain how unexpected this was. Brandie, you called it. You asked if he was behaving that way because he was considering breaking up, and I naively said no. I was wrong.

I moved out on Sunday. He says he wished we could have talked about it. I find that somewhat ironic. He says he wish I would have stayed there. I find that thought painful beyond measure. How can you sleep next to someone who says they might not be willing to help make your relationship work? Would sleeping next to him have helped any? Or would it have just made me more vulnerable?

Tonight sealed the deal. I laid it out on the line. I said that I was willing to compromise and make things work, because aside from my own well-being, my partner is my priority. I read him a letter I'd written when gathering my thoughts that he said made him angry, most likely because part of it detailed behaviors I've seen in him for the last week that I last saw before he started doing ShadowWork, and he refused to take the letter. He said he was still unsure about whether or not he was willing to try to resolve the differences he feels we have. He said he was tired of arguing. I said that I didn't want to argue either, and that compromising was not arguing, and compromising to meet ones' partner's needs is what makes a relationship work. I suggested a counselor, he said he'd have to think on it.

As for me, I have barely eaten since Saturday, and waiting passively for him to decide whether or not he's willing to be committed to our relationship is no longer an option for me if I want to continue to function. This is our relationship on repeat, and I simply couldn't bear the helpless waiting any longer. I told him to let me know if he has any thoughts on seeing a relationship counselor, and we may address them when/if they come, but as for right now, I consider myself single. I will not dangle, waiting for him to decide if he's willing to do the work that relationships require. I deserve better than that. I deserve to have my partner voice needs and work to compromise. Asking me to wait longer in the dark is too much to ask of me right now; I need to protect myself from maybes. I need a partner who will have my back, not just think about having my back.

He said he loved me, that he was in love with me.

And still, I am now single. I pick up the rest of my things on Thursday.

Time to get used to sleeping alone. This is the choice I made.

My heart is sick.

1. Needs in a relationship must be voiced clearly if they are not being met. "When are you getting a car?" is not the same as "I have a need that you have a car." If one is particularly picky about language and communication, one should understand this. I have to know the difference between a desire and a true need if I am to make decisions that best serve the relationship. While Dixie and I were processing this morning, she said that in ShadowWork, when someone does not clearly voice a need but expects it to be fulfilled, it's called "wishful thinking." Wishful thinking does not lend itself well to clear communication.

2. Relationships require compromise and frequent conflict management. Arguments happen-- to expect them not to is unrealistic. It's how you respond to them, and whether or not you can resolve to find a solution that matters. To refuse to do that means that the relationship is doomed.

( On a more petty note.Collapse )

I apologize in advance, guys. This is going to be the all-breakup-processing channel for awhile. I'm going to keep most of it filtered to my nearest and dearest, but I can't thank you guys enough for your support. 'Cause this sucks. It was so abrupt. This time last week, we were sharing a bed, and it has not yet sunk in that I don't have a Skyler to go home to anymore. That tomorrow, I turn over my key. I feel honestly gobsmacked. But I've got really good friends and really good arms to hold me, and I've got bellydance to keep my body strong. I keep thinking back to class on Monday, where we held our posture with our arms strong and our chests open. Carolena Nericcio, founder of Fat Chance Bellydance and one of the matriarchs of tribal style, says that we have to have this posture, this strong, powerful woman posture, to allow the Goddesses to come in and lift us up as we dance. This is the image that is sticking with me today. Shoulders back. Chin up. Heart out.