I still struggle with eating after being free of him for a year and a half. He expected me to eat only what he wrote on the fridge as "food to use up" and if I ate something else when he wasn't around, I would absolutely hear about it. There was a list on the fridge of his approved groceries to buy. One time I went shopping and bought some things not on the list and he didn't speak to me for 3 weeks. If he ever saw anything in the cupboards not from his list I would hear about it- even months later, he would never let anything go about that, ever. I don't want to cook, eat, or shop now at all, I make myself do it to survive but I can't take any joy from any of it.
That's absolutely awful Aster. Such an extreme level of control over food 😔 It is no wonder cooking, eating, and shopping still feel difficult after being subjected to all of that. Your body and mind learned to associate all those things with negative consequences.
I also still struggle with the cooking part sometimes. I lost all joy in something I once enjoyed. But I'm working to form more positive associations, like putting on an interesting audiobook or good music while I cook, or cooking while sipping on a nice glass of wine. It makes it feel a bit more like my own space again. One step at a time!
Thanks. I try sometimes to make those positive associations too, when I have the energy. One day at a time, as you say. I really appreciate your writing here, thank you 🙏
I still struggle with eating after being free of him for a year and a half. He expected me to eat only what he wrote on the fridge as "food to use up" and if I ate something else when he wasn't around, I would absolutely hear about it. There was a list on the fridge of his approved groceries to buy. One time I went shopping and bought some things not on the list and he didn't speak to me for 3 weeks. If he ever saw anything in the cupboards not from his list I would hear about it- even months later, he would never let anything go about that, ever. I don't want to cook, eat, or shop now at all, I make myself do it to survive but I can't take any joy from any of it.
That's absolutely awful Aster. Such an extreme level of control over food 😔 It is no wonder cooking, eating, and shopping still feel difficult after being subjected to all of that. Your body and mind learned to associate all those things with negative consequences.
I also still struggle with the cooking part sometimes. I lost all joy in something I once enjoyed. But I'm working to form more positive associations, like putting on an interesting audiobook or good music while I cook, or cooking while sipping on a nice glass of wine. It makes it feel a bit more like my own space again. One step at a time!
Thanks. I try sometimes to make those positive associations too, when I have the energy. One day at a time, as you say. I really appreciate your writing here, thank you 🙏