The swim

Jake’s mom squeezes his fingers harder when they walk through the gate. “Ouch,” he says and pulls loose which hurts even more, but he has to, nine is too old to be holding his mom’s hand in public, and everyone at the pool is staring at him. He slows down by the showers, but his mom keeps moving. “It’s a waste of water,” she says. “You’re not going in anyway.”

“I can go in the shallow end, can’t I?”

The footsteps next to him stop. Jake turns to see what has happened. His mom stares at him. “No. The only reason I brought you along was because you said you wouldn’t go in at all.”

He drops his head and follows her to where his older sister Micah is lying on a lounge chair next to her friends. They all have on matching sunglasses and white tinted skin.

“I need to talk to Vickie,” his mom says, waving to a woman on the other side of the deck, “then we have to go.”

There isn’t a chair anywhere near so Jake sits down on the cement next to Micah’s and pulls up his knees. He feels his swimsuit slide down his butt, so he tugs on it. One of the girls giggles.

“Go swim you moron,” Micah forces between her lips.

“Mom said I can’t.”

“Then just get out of here. You’re making me look stupid.”

Jake doesn’t look up until he is back at the gate. He scans the waves of kids to see if anyone he knows saw him. The sun is bright and his eyes start to water.

Jake’s mom pulled him out of swimming lessons when he was five and never put him back in. The instructor hadn’t been looking when Jake jumped in the deep end, and it freaked his mom out. It freaked him out too, and until this year he didn’t care that he couldn’t swim.

“Hey, man, you just get here?”

Jake swipes at his eyes. It’s Tyler, the kid everyone wants to be friends with.

“No, just leaving,” Jake says, hoping Tyler doesn’t notice he isn’t wet.

“You’re mom ain’t here. Let’s jump in and play some hoops while you wait.” Tyler runs toward the deep end and cannonballs in. He comes up and shakes his head. “Throw me a ball.”

A white rubber ball sits under a chair near the edge of the pool. Jake grabs it and throws it to Tyler. “Jump in,” Tyler yells, miming throwing the ball back. Jake looks for his mom. She’s busy laughing with Vickie. He turns back to the pool.

“Naw,” he says, “I got to go.”

Jake doesn’t see what happens next, only feels it. A wall of force hits him square in the chest. He stumbles backward, and the cement disappears under his feet. Laughter hangs in the air. He sucks in a breath just as he hits the surface, then everything goes quiet. The water stings when he opens his eyes, but he doesn’t want to close them. Blades of sunlight cut the pool in sections. It looks like an underwater city. When his lungs begin to burn, he kicks his legs together and feels himself rise like a rocket through the atmosphere.

He gasps for breath and spins around until he sees his best friend Alex laughing so hard he has to hold onto the edge. Jake kicks his legs and reaches his right arm, then his left, then his right, clawing his way across the pool.

“I was only having fun!” Alex says, pushing off of the side.

Jake kicks harder. Moves his arms faster. He imagines how good it will feel to catch Alex. To get him back for what he did.

A familiar voice cuts through all the other sounds. “Jake!”

He stops in mid-stroke. Turns to see his mom. She’s staring, mouth open, hands reaching toward him. She doesn’t move. “Jake.” She says again. This time quieter. A smile relaxes onto her face. “Wow,” she mouths.

Time

I am done counting presents and crawl from behind the flashing tree. This year it sits in the corner in place of Dad’s recliner. He has gone out again to check on the cow, calving early. Mom faces the stove, her hands wrapped behind her back, twisting the red ties of an apron. She shifts it straight. On Christmas Day there is an expansion of time. It relaxes and opens, so putting on an apron—the time it takes her— is no worry. Other days, time is double its value and spent as quickly as it’s gained, leaving her openly exposed.

Still Life

Edgar removes his new buzz saw from the cupboard. The candlelight on the table flickers in the shine of its blade. He leans down and opens the cooler at his feet. The rusty hinges creak in the sterile room’s silence. In the center a light green fruit is tucked within a nest of ice. It looks oddly like a chick waiting for its mother.

The pear will not be an easy patient. The fruit refuses to lie flat without being held onto, but his last assistant ran screaming when apple pulp splattered her face. He’d have to find another one soon with a stronger stomach for these types of operations.

“Okay,” he says, taking a deep breath. “This isn’t going to be easy.” He bends down and lifts his unsuspecting victim onto the silver table, careful not to bruise the delicate skin. “Mommy’s not coming,” he purrs.

The saw is heavier than Edgar expects. He needs two hands to position the blade but can’t keep the pear in place. It insists on rolling away. “Get back here!” he hisses as he man handles it back. A bruise has developed but it will have to do. He’s only got a few minutes before the candle, his only light source will burn out.

Edgar takes a deep breath, uses his elbow to hold the pear, only squishing it slightly, and with the blade exactly in place, presses the start button. The blade whirls into action, slicing the pear in half.

Edgar smiles. This perfectly cut pear will be placed next to his other pieces in the museum. It’s title Still life, but not still alive.

Blessing

I was asked to say a few words before we eat and when I started thinking about what to say, I realized that there are so many different hands that go into creating a meal like this.

First there are the hands of people like my dad. They plant and harvest the grains, raise the livestock for meat, and pick the fruits off the trees and bushes.

And then there are the hands of the unknowable. The rain that comes at just the right time, the bees that know the exact route for pollination, the help that comes when least expected.

These hands go by many names: god, nature, fate.

And of course we can’t forget the hands of the cooks and everyone who brought something to share. Within your hands the food that’s been gathered becomes something more, something beautiful, and full of flavor.

And then there are the rest of us. Our hands are filled with gratitude. Gratitude for the lovely day, the good conversation, the smiling faces.

And along with the gratitude for what I know will be a delicious meal, I would like to ask each of you for the next few moments to hold in your hands and heart someone or something you are truly grateful for.

I hope you don’t mind if I share what I’m grateful for out loud with you.

I knew as a child and even now as an adult that my table would and will always have food on it and that is because of my parents. My funny and curious Mom. And my resilient and reliable Dad. I would like to thank you both for always providing for us.

I’d also like to say, on behalf of my siblings and parents that we are so honored and grateful to have all of you in our lives. And thank you all for coming to help us celebrate my dad’s ninetieth birthday. Happy Birthday Dad and many, many more.

Discontinued

The Kindness Game has been discontinued along with the mountain of banned books and the cupboard of open minds. Those of us who still remember the two thousands when it looked like the world was opening up to everyone have kept our copies hidden on the closet top shelf.

We bring it down when friends and family come over but are reluctant to talk about the game at the bus stop or water cooler, unsure who to trust anymore.

A visitation

Cutting that cantalope was the last thing Rebecca did before her kids started calling her Nine-fingers. It was her seven-year-old who thought it up in the car on the way to the Emergency Room. He thought it was so funny he almost threw himself into an asthma attack.

Rebecca had always like cooking. Her Nana had shown her at an early age how to use a knife so she didn’t get any owies. And it was her Nana who had entered her kitchen that day when the cantalope slipped from her fingers. Nana had been dead for almost a year at that point and was standing in the corner uninvited. She didn’t say anything, until the blood started spurting, and then it was just a quiet, “Oh, no.”

Rebecca never told anyone what she’d seen, it wouldn’t have won her any favors with anyone, just the side-long glances she was used to when she said something a little out there.

She laughed along when the nickname Nine-fingers was a nonstop joke for that week. Her kids didn’t seem to notice how fake it sounded, or that there wasn’t any fresh fruit or vegetable spears cut for the table. Luckily, they were happy with grilled cheeses and buttered noodles, because Rebecca wasn’t touching that knife again.

Orange, Black, Gray

I took a creative writing class in college. The assignment was to write a thousand words.

I wrote the story of the kittens in the haybarn. How they’d cuddle up to my legs, play untie my shoes, eat themselves fat, then fall asleep. It’s a story I’m still trying to write. How the bare lightbulb created shadows on the bales. Danger hiding where I couldn’t see.

Even now the words I write don’t capture the magic of being in the haybarn. My parents milking cows in the barn below, homework waiting for me in the house.

How I felt like I belonged and yet didn’t. How there were times I looked at the hole with the ladder going down to where my parents and the cows went about their work and thought what it would feel like falling to the floor below.

I was the outsider no one recognized. My family saw years of their DNA in me. Curly hair. Green eyes. Broad shoulders. But when I looked in the mirror, I saw the underneath. The part that never felt like she fit in the room. An actress in her life.

I tried to write all this for that creative writing class full of students trying to prove to the professor how smart they were. I tried to say it all using those fluffy kittens. Orange. Black. Gray.

But no one heard. No one heard.

My mother’s hands

Don’t hold mine anymore.

They shake, but she no longer lets me hold them still.

My mother was called Sweetie.

She called me Pumpkin.

I told her I loved her, but she didn’t say it back.

She couldn’t say it back.

Anatomy of Happiness

We carefully pull sadness

a part

piece by piece

seven levels of grief

five signs of depression

ten breaths for anger

shine a light through each cell

each minute minutae

Why?

when all that’s wanted is a good laugh.

Midnight

We are

on a journey,

a long way to a small planet. 

It’s only your guess

and my ghosts

standing behind a couch

of green brocade,

whose reflections frame the mirror. 

With golden arrows

each clock strikes

midnight      separately. 

The dance of two large birds,

a turnstile of movement.

The phantom cat

balanced on the sill

has been provided

to soothe your

tired hand. 

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