I haven't announced this on facebook yet, but my husband died yesterday. Please pray for me. I feel so empty.

bored as shit

I feel so guilty and like such a disappointment.

From High Fidelity:

Laura: Listen, Rob, would you have sex with me? Because I want to feel something else than this. It either that, or I go home and put my hand in the fire. Unless you want to stub cigarettes out on my arm.
Rob: No. I only have a few left, I've been saving them for later.
Laura: Right. It'll have to be sex, then.
Rob: Right. Right.

fucking miserable. again. still. whatever. in significant pain, too.

Fucking miserable.

my mom reads my facebook, so i guess i'll be using this more often. let me stress that i'm not suicidal. however, shit has stacked up so far that i don't know how much more i can take without some sort of break.

Everywhere I look you're all I see.
Just a fading fucking reminder of who I used to be.

According to department of health and human services, our income has somehow increased almost $500 a mont since January, even though our we're both on ssdi with fixed incomes. so our food stamps goes down to $16 a month. Guess eating is now a luxury.

life sucks. yep. sure does. this is even after i've had my fukitol meds.

The greatest evil is physical pain.--Saint Austine

i fucking hurt. so much of my body aches now. i'm low on pain pills (because she suddenly prescribed me less last time i went with no refills) until we can get to the doctor. my doc's an hour away, and the truck isn't drive able right now. i've got too much on my mind, still.


i hate this.

Trying to find some peace.

xanax, legally prescribed and used as directed, is my best friend at the moment. that's boosted by a lot of music, mainly tool.

so much chaos in my head right now. so much confusion. no idea how to sort it all out. I need to vent things that I can't on facebook. Anyone want to listen to me vent? I know this is random.

It's that time of year again when I put together my scary music mixes. So any suggestions?

It was a bright cold day in April, and the clocks were striking thirteen.

--1984

our house has grown by one small black cat. so far, the kitty (we think it's a girl, but not 100% sure) is affectionately called kitty-kitty, kit head, and kit-kat. we've set a deadline of friday for picking a name. pics to follow once enough kitten energy has been burnt off. right now, pics would probably just be a blur.

This is the date Spooky came to our house. She was 9 weeks old when we got her.

tonight, i am struggling..and struggling mightily. a lot is weighing on me mentally and physically..and i feel like i'm barely hanging on by the tips of my fingers.

so any prayers, energy, good thoughts you can send my way are deeply appreciated.

anyone have an suggestions to kill the itch of mosquito bites? i've tried benedryl spray. hydro cortisone, tea tree oil, and witch hazel. nothing is killing the itch for long. i'm also taking atarax, which is a prescription antihistamine.

the itching is driving me insane and keeping me awake.

29. johannes cabal the necromancer--jonathan howard
30. world's end--mark chadbourn
31. mean streets--jim butcher, simon green, kat richardson, thomas sniegoski

this is the new hair color, and the picture was taken somewhere in mississippi, i think.

in a few hours, we leave here for a 900 mile trip back to my home town. i haven't slept. can't sleep. in moderate amount of pain.

i'll be doing most, if not all, of the driving tomorrow (and possibly the whole trip).

prayers, good thoughts, etc. for an easy trip (both the driving and the spending 5 1/2 days w/ family.


on a happy note: i dyed my hair tonight. manic panic vampire red. this shade kicks ass.

25. changes--jim butcher
26. inferno--larry niven
27. escape from hell--larry niven
28. white cat--holly black


must be sure to do this as soon as i finish a book. trying to do mass entries from a faulty memory isn't going to work well. should be well over 50 by the end of the year, but my goal was more to see how much i read in a year.

how did i not know tool was playing houston tonight? dammit!

damn doctor who for making me cry. though, granted, it doesn't take much to make me cry these days.

accidentally sent husband to work w/ 2 1/2 lbs of uncooked brisket instead of his lunch.

oops.