resist7

So it's a new year again, a time for optimism and a fresh start. I really feel like I'm in a good place right now and I'm going to make a lot of positive changes this year. I know I've said this before and it hasn't panned out that well, but I truly think it could work this time. I've done a lot of soul searching in the last year and even though I've had ups and downs (as everyone does), I feel like I've come out with a better sense of self. I've been smoking weed almost every night lately and you can shame me all day for being a 'pot head' but it really does open your mind and conscious. It's a great stress relief and is great for reflection. There nothing better than coming home and lighting my candles and incense and smoking a bowl. Yes, I'm a total hippie and it's amazing. Its really helped my depression too since I've been smoking regularly. I have clarity on what it is a need to do and I feel like it's finally the time I improve my life.

As most new years goals tend to be, health is a big thing for me this year. Last year I had pretty good success with getting healthier and losing almost 50lbs. I haven't been as good since the beginning of November and gained around 10lbs but I'm not going to let that slow down my goals. I've re-watched a couple of my favorite health documentaries, including Food Matters and Fat, Sick and Nearly Dead and have also got my parents to watch and be on board for this healthy new year. I'm definitely planning on doing a fresh juice fast in a few weeks that I'm very excited about. I wanted to do it in August but a friend was in town and we were going out a lot and the timing just wasn't right. I'm going to try it for 10 days and then if it goes well, I'm going to try and go for 30 days. Once I'm finished with the fast where I make fresh fruit and vegetable juices with a juicer, it will detox my body and retrain my brain and taste buds to want healthy foods. Then it will be a diet of mostly fruits, vegetables, nuts, beans and seeds. I'm going to allow myself two meals a week to indulge in what I want, but I think eventually I won't need those meals twice a week but maybe only once a week, or once a month. I'm going to start working out at home again, I still workout doing weight training with my personal trainer but I want to start including cardio and stretching and maybe try yoga again. Then in spring when the weather is better, I can't wait to go for walks and hikes outside. Then in June when my contract with my personal trainer is done, I'm probably going to go somewhere else so I can challenge myself more. I've been with my personal trainer for almost two years and they have helped me a lot, but only working out with them twice a week for 15 minutes doing weight training isn't going to get me to my ultimate goal. So while it served it purpose, I think I'm ready to move on come June. I want to be super fit and healthy and I'm ready to take on that challenge this year.

Also in the works, I plan on changing my job situation. I think what I've settled on is that I'm going to try and get nationally certified as a pharmacy technician that way I can try and get a job at a hospital where I can work full time and make more money and get benefits. Working in a retail pharmacy for over three years now, I think it shouldn't be too difficult but we'll see. I didn't think I wanted to go much further with pharmacy because I'm very against how over medicated everyone is these days, but if I can get a job at a hospital and save a lot of money then I can finally go to makeup school and ultimately move to California.

So here is too a positive year. I know there will be challenges ahead, but I hope I can handle them understanding and an open mind.

So, this is probably going to be another dower post, so in advance I'll apologize. My depression has been rather unpredictable, and by that I mean it comes and goes as it fucking pleases. I will be pretty good for a week or so and then for some reason or another, something that seems insignificant enough will set off a week or so of depression. It doesn't help that the therapist I was seeing was an intern and has left and now I'm switching to one of the permanent therapists but she doesn't have any appointments until the beginning of the year. Honestly though, I wasn't seeing huge changes from seeing Heidi (my old therapist), but I still feel slightly panicked at the thought of not seeing anyone for over two months. You would think that since this whole therapy thing is still new to me that going for a short length of time without having someone validate my feelings and nodding at me for a hour wouldn't be that big of a deal. However, I feel like I've unearthed a shit load of issues that were lurking around in my head and only now since I've shed light on them are they really becoming almost crippling. I don't know, it just feels really weird being in my head right now.

On top of that I've been feeling really isolated. My friends seem to be distant lately, due partly to me kind of retreating into myself and because they all have things that are consuming their attentions. I don't blame or resent them for having lives that exist outside of me, obviously, but I guess it's just bad timing. It's hard to talk about your depression when someone is engaged and has a kid, or boring someone with your petty problems when they're busy being apart of Occupy Wall Street, or trying to get someones attention when they are separated from their husband and are dating as many men as humanly possible. It's like I'm screaming on the inside but not a sound comes out. Part of my problem is that I can't or won't open up to people about my issues, hence the isolation. I guess I just go around hoping that someday someone will notice that my eyes are empty. Or that someone would be worried enough about me to ask me about my depression. Given, I've only really told three people about it other than my parents, but those few people I chose to tell were people I thought would be able to help save me from myself. I know that's a huge undertaking that no one should have to do, I shouldn't expect them to be able to do that since I've always hated when other people have wanted me to fix them. But it feels like they don't know what to say or are scared to ask me about it. The thing is, I can't just open up and just spill my guts, but if they just asked questions, I would talk their fucking ears off.

I'm pretty much just being whiny and needy. This isn't my most eloquent or concise post, but fuck it. I come here to vent and try to make sense of the gibberish that goes on in my mind. Let's hope the next post won't be so cynical.

So I've been absent for a while. Since the beginning of the year I've been updating this as a sort of self-discovery journal to try and navigate through all the range of emotions I've been dealing with. In all reality I've been dealing with my depression. I've had it for many years actually. However I got myself into a state of complete numbness and detachment from any emotion and that I somehow learned to live at that level for most of my life. Until recently, and I still don't exactly know what suddenly opened the flood gates, but since the beginning of the year I've started to poke my head out of this emptiness and try to fix things. I just started seeing a therapist this month. I refuse to be put on pills and am instead trying to work out my issues through logic and intellect. I know this isn't the best route for everyone, but I think this will be the best for me. I've only had two sessions so progress is still too early to tell.
 
My mind has been a shear clusterfuck over the last few months. I can't concentrate, my memory is worse, I feel extremely detached from most things, I have trouble sleeping, I've been suicidal and had urges to cut myself. I don't cry, I get irritated easily and I'm tired almost all the time. And I wish I could say there was a easy answer for my depression, a trauma or huge event that dramatically changed my life and I haven't been the same since, but I really can't think of any. Who knows, maybe I just blocked the memories out. Or maybe it's just a chemical imbalance. All I know is that life outside of the emptiness is daunting. I'm plagued with insecurities and self-doubts. I feel as though I'm more detached from things now than as I was before. Or maybe I was just good at faking it before. 
 
Sometimes it feels so difficult to put up with myself. I'm too controlling, I over think everything, I have intimacy issues, I'm insecure, I can't open up to people and I can't let people see how weak I really am. There's also this stigma attached to depression, that everyone gets it every once in a while and it's not that big of a deal, "oh just have a good cry and everything will be fine tomorrow" kind of attitude. I don't feel sad, I feel empty. I don't need to cry, I need to feel something.

So I decided to whip out an old Brian and Justin icon for this post because I had a very epic night out at a gay club. Although it should be noted that I am not a party girl and I rarely ever drink, let alone get drunk. Due to social awkwardness and a general phobia of crowds, I tend to pass on nights out. But alas, monday night was a huge exception. It all started when I checked twitter and saw that Sutan/Raja (Adam Lambert's makeup artist and RuPaul's Drag Race winner) was going to be performing at the local gay club the Interbelt that night. The only problem was that at first I couldn't find anyone to go with me short notice. So, after several hours and texting everyone I knew and getting nothing, having a small meltdown and was close to giving up hope, my dear friend Leah finally said that even thought she had taken a bath and had her pj's on, she would go while my mom came over and watched her son Brenden. We got all dressed up and was ready to have some fun.

The night was perfect. We drank, we got to eye fondle cute gay boys all night and literally danced our asses off. We got to watch Raja perform which was amazing and got to meet her after. But besides going to see Raja, just going out and getting pretty drunk and dancing all night was such an amazing feeling for me. I don't think I had ever gotten that drunk, but it wasn't a bad, over-doing it drunk. It was a happy, freeing, uninhibited drunk where you are content to just dance all night and feel the music. And since I mentioned before that I rarely drink, let alone get really drunk, it was so amazing to feel that high of just going out and not caring about every little thing. It was almost a primal feeling of the need to dance and express yourself in a room with a bunch of people doing the same thing. For a control freak like myself, it was a vacation from all the over analytical nonsense I fill my head with constantly. I also felt so comfortable in that crowd. I told Leah, and I've actually told her this many times, but I honestly do feel that in a past life I was a gay man. I feel such a strong connection with gay men and every time I go to a gay club or Pride or see a gay couple, my heart melts. I feel a sense of community, like I belong there.

It's truly amazing that I'm having all these amazing experiences right now that are really helping me find myself. I can be reflective on a level I probably wouldn't have be able to a few years ago. It makes me glad that I wasn't the typical 21 year old who went out and partied a lot and learned nothing. I feel like even though I only waited a few years, going out is still different to me than to most people in their early 20's. It's fun and thrilling of course, but I feel like at this point in my life where I am doing so much soul searching that a night of going out and drinking and dancing isn't just about that, but about getting to a simple frame of mind, to feel things on a primal level and letting go. I feel as if I keep myself so pulled together all the time, so restricted from loosing control that when I went out monday, it was such a relief to just let go. I've kept myself from having those normal moments you have when you're young and carefree. I was so worried about being a typical "out of control" twenty-somthing that I never let myself even try it. I don't know where my control issues stem from and why for so long I've been so consumed with not letting myself have a few moments of chaos. But when I have nights like I did monday, I know now that I can let go every once in a while, and I fully intend to go out more this summer.

I'm moving forward. I feel I'm finally getting closer to all the human experiences I've closed myself off from for so long. I'm letting myself be alive.

Something really amazing has been happening lately and I'm really excited about it. I feel as if whatever creative block I was under, it's starting to lift now and I'm dying to start painting and drawing again. For about four years it's been non-existant and I've really missed it.

I think when I reached the peek of my detachment from people and things after high school that not only was I pushing away all the feelings and emotions, but also my creativity as a result. My senior year of school I took my painting II class and it was the best thing in the world for me. We could paint whatever we wanted each week and I always went above and beyond to come up with something stunning and I really enjoyed it. I would spend hours down in my basement with my iPod on and would get so caught up in what I was doing that I didn't even realize how long I was down there. But something changed after I graduated, and I let it slip. I haven't painted anything really since and that always really bothered me. I've always considered myself a creative person but I was living my life devoid of any creative drive or inspiration. I think once I got stuck in a shitting job, then drama in my personal life that I got stuck in this limbo feeling and everything creative in me died. Until recently I wasn't sure if it would even come back, even though I'm going into the makeup field, I was doubting that even once I got to makeup school (something that I've been dreaming about for years now) that I would get there and have nothing to offer. I was really starting to wonder if I had any creativity left.

Then recently, I've had this overwhelming desire to pick it back up again. I think a lot of it has to do with all this self improvement stuff I've been working on lately. I think from all my self analyzing and really working to change my life for the better that it's renewed my passion for art again. I want to take a sculpting class to build a better foundation for my future in special fx makeup, I want to buy canvas and water colors and new drawing pencils and just create something. I want to go down in my basement and loose track of time again. It's just a huge relief to feel that passion again after thinking it was gone. I feel that this is another sign that I'm on the right track on my self improvement journey.

After sitting here and finishing up an Elizabeth Taylor movie marathon (RIP Liz, you were a true legend) and lotioning up my new tattoo, I decided it was time for another update. I'm shocking myself with my frequency for updating this lately, but I'll ride this out and see how long it lasts.

I've discovered that I have a feeling of calm recently. Of course there is still a slight undercurrent of anxiety just under the surface, but I feel like I've been able to exhale after about a month of being tense. I attribute this to two things, I've really had a shift in thoughts about my health and eating habits and really feel in control over my weight loss goals than ever before, and for the first time I think ever, I am letting my guard down a little and letting people in a bit.

As for the first change in my outlook on things, my weight, this is something I've been struggling with since I can remember. I've tried almost everything and was always waiting for that change or motivation to finally kick my ass into actually doing it. And seemingly out of nowhere, I started drinking a lot of water, I started wanting to really watch what I was putting into my body. But something else was different this time, I finally was able to look at food differently. I've always been a person who really enjoys food, it tastes good and there is no getting around it. There is still that part that exists and probably always will, but I was finding that while I will always have a desire for things that aren't considered healthy, I was starting to actually want to eat healthier things. What really put things into focus for me was watching a documentary called Food Matters (I really do suggest everyone watch this because it is literally life changing), I stayed up until 4am watching it and after I was so moved and inspired by it that I couldn't even sleep. My mind was going a mile a minute with excitement over changing the way I eat and how I take care of my body. I feel for the first time I can really change my habits and not only accomplish my weight loss goals, but do it the right way by drinking lots of water, eating healthy and more organic foods and exercising. It's amazing to finally feel the power to make a huge change like that. I know it's still going to be a struggle and I'm not going to always make the best choices, but I know now that it doesn't mean I've failed, it means that tomorrow is a new day and I can make better choices tomorrow. Breaking the cycle in my mind is a major thing. For couple weeks now I've been committed to this and I feel very proud and empowered.

As for the second change, I don't even have a knowing moment when it started to happen. I've always been very closed off emotionally with pretty much everyone I know. Family and even close friends were only allowed so far. From middle school on I became increasingly more and more closed off and while I gave a little to keep up appearances, it was never really anything of substance. I delighted in being the listener, the one to dole out advice and figure out everyone else's problems. I was, and still am now sometimes, proud of keeping my emotions at bay and having control over my issues but I realized that I was becoming a shell with no life experiences of my own. I was so busy keeping everyone out that I didn't notice that everything and everyone was moving past me. What I found was that I was 23, a virgin with no relationships to speak of, no new friends since high school, had a part time job that I hated and was stuck with awkward middle school level social skills. And while I know that I will never be an 'open book' type, and very happy about it, I knew I couldn't go on being closed off forever. And almost without even me knowing it, I started to open up. Little things that were virtually impossible to think of myself doing I suddenly could do. I'm still awkward as shit, shy and it will take a while before I can reveal personal things to someone, but I'm making progress. The only way I know how to break down some of this wall I've built up is to take it down a piece at a time.

It's weird to think of all of these changes that I'm going through right now because they seem to all be happening at once. Last year I was stuck in limbo with no glimmer of hope of ever getting out and now I feel like a completely new person. The flood gates have opened and there is no turning back. I think the most powerful realization I've had throughout all this is that I actually do have the ability and strength to change the things in my life that were lacking. I've known it was possible, but now seeing the changes actually starting and feeling the changes deep in my soul, it's a powerful feeling. Things are finally moving in a new and better direction.

So, I'm back again. Sooner than I thought too. But a lot of things have been rolling around in my head and I figured the best way to perhaps make some sense of all of it is to perhaps write it out. Maybe seeing it in black and white might give me more insight into my already over analytical mind.

The job hunt continues and frankly, has been the cause of a lot of grief and panic the last month or so. With bills looming over my head and the desire for the change I've been dreaming of for what seems like forever, it has all been overwhelming. It almost seemed as if the more I thought about it, the more I actively avoided it. I don't know if it was on some subconscious level that despite the fact that I've been yearning for this change, to move on past my shitty part time job and be able to save money and move forward finally, the thought of leaving the safety of that security blanket really started to freak me out. Of course I have been telling myself to shut the fuck up and the idea of change is always more scary than it actually is. Still, even now I have this subtle undercurrent of tension and worry just under the surface. A slight clenching of my muscles that never goes away until I sleep. I know eventually I will get a job and this feeling of dangling off the side of a cliff will finally go away and I can breath again. I'm hoping it's sooner rather than later because my nerve are shot, and for being a person who's feathers are not easily ruffled, being at this almost constant state of worry is starting to drive me crazy.

In other non job related things, sex and men have been coming up a lot for me lately. Now, for being as inexperienced as I am (to be a 23 year old virgin and literally never been in a relationship of any kind, even the meaningless junior high or high school nonsense, woe is me), I am not a prude or "saving it for marriage" or anything virtuous like that. To put it as simply as possible, with being insecure about my body the best way I knew to avoid disappointment and inevitably crushing heartache, I decided to take the offensive angle and stick to the idea that it was me who was snubbing my nose at love and relationships before it could do it to me first. Now, I've never been the mushy, sappy girl that wishes for a prince charming or hope to have a husband and a house full of kids, but one thing I've always envisioned for myself was a very prosperous sex life. I've never been one to shy away from the topic of sex, always eager to live vicariously through the sex lives of my friends instead and urging them to go out and try new things and be a silly slut if they wanted. And for a long while now, I've been almost successful at convincing myself that that was enough and that perhaps one day things would happen for me as well. But now that I'm 23 and things still seem to be pretty dismal, I'm starting to realize that not all of it is because of lack of interest from men as I usually blame my lack of sex life on. It's becoming painfully aware that as the time goes on, my unease and almost natural self sabotage is what inevitably ruins any chances I may have. Because I've allowed my love life to be so dead for so long, I'm literally stuck at that awkward junior high level of dating anxiety. Big parts of me are still insanely insecure with my body and I doubt if the real chance at having sex presented itself tomorrow, I still probably wouldn't be able to go through with it, despite how bad I want it right now. I know I have a long way to go, body image wise and mentally, but I feel like it's closer to being a real possibility than it used to be. I've always envisioned myself as a very free person sexually, and I feel that I am a very sensual person and I'd love to let that out. Or perhaps I've just reached such a high level of sexual frustration that playing with myself is just getting to the point of ridiculous. Half baked orgasms by your own hand is never as good, and I don't need to have had sex to know that.

So I guess the best way to summarize this post would be that right now I'm working on all the things that I feel are incomplete in my life. I've been walking around with huge voids in my soul and my life that sadly, I was starting to get used to them. I don't want to be this shell of a person living a shade of what life could be. I want to live the life I see in my head at night, the one where I'm living my dream of being a makeup artist in LA and New York, having fun and having great sex, making awesome friendships with interesting people and letting go and feeling free. I know I'm not there yet, but I believe it's possible and that's the only thing I can cling to right now. So for now, I'm going to keep moving forward and putting the pieces together one by one. I'm a work in progress.

It's been far too long since I've last updated this, and I highly doubt anyone at this point even bothers to follow my sporadic thoughts and musings. However, these entries are as much for others as they are for me. Milestones if you will.

My last day of phlebotomy classes was today. I think it's almost fitting that my last post was shortly before I started and longing for the five months to be over with and here I am, it's over and it almost feels like it went too fast. I'm excited for the career change, but it is more pressure than my current job. I have had fun learning this not so common profession and I do think I can walk away from this new job without the urge to rip my hair out. It still is a means to an end, a stepping stone to makeup school. That is a desire that haunts me almost daily now. Nothing made my longing for makeup school more apparent than going to a school for something completely opposite. Which I guess was reassuring on some level, since going into makeup isn't the most reliable job to sign up for, whereas a job in the medical field is always a sure thing. But as it seems I am going to be thrust into this line of work, I might as well jump in with both feet. If anything, the cash increase will be worth any hesitation I'm having. So here it goes to being a blood sucker.

It is also a new year, the time for new beginnings and it certainly is this year in particular. The job definitely plays a big part in that, but this year does feel like it's going to be a year of growth for me. It also shockingly has an air of optimism about it that is very odd to the cynic in me. I think some of that is because I'm finally putting a plan I have into motion and things are moving in a good direction. I see the "light at the end of the tunnel" to resort to worn out sayings. But optimism is a scary place to be for a true cynic, so for now I'm going to tread softly and go with the flow.

Life has been flying by. Went to Columbus Pride which was very fabulous, definitely going again next year. Much better than Pittsburgh. Went and saw Adam Lambert in concert which was mind blowing, seriously. That man's voice is perfection. Of course seeing him in concert (and meeting Tommy, who is super ridiculously attractive and quite affectionate), this sent me full into obsession mode. So, pretty much the most notable thing that I've currently been up to is really getting my hands on anything Adam/Tommy related. Although there was a break in the routine last night when I became fascinated with Adam's former lover Brad. His youtube videos kept me up till the wee hours of the night. Of course normal things have been peppered in-between all the Adam love, including plans to start phlebotomy school at the end of the month, I started working out with a personal trainer and oh yes, I crashed my damn car. Nothing too serious, but enough to put a financial strain on me. However, I will forge on with my plans because this bitch needs to make some money so I can get to makeup school. And on a related note, I've also discovered Adam's makeup artist Sutan pretty much has my dream career. Damn that queen.

And what's coming up is school, my birthday and tattoo number 8. I just need to make it through the next few months and then it will be smooth sailing.

Good things are on the horizon. As of last week I started with a personal trainer and I'm really excited about it. Although when first told I would only have to work out twice a week and for only 15 minutes at a time, I was a bit skeptical. However, after meeting with the trainer Michelle and she told me she went through the program three years ago and lost a lot of weight in only a year, I figured I'd try it out. It's been awesome and it's only been a week. Very promising. 

Also, I'm going to Pride in Columbus tomorrow with Leah and her meatloaf Brenden. We already said since we're most likely going to be mistaken for lesbian parents, we might as well go with it. I'll have to pretend to be the maternal type. I'm hoping Columbus will prove to be as good if not better than Pittsburgh. 

Life is still good.

p.s. True Blood... OMG! I'm going to be deeply in love this season, I can tell.