girl, interrupted
So I've been absent for a while. Since the beginning of the year I've been updating this as a sort of self-discovery journal to try and navigate through all the range of emotions I've been dealing with. In all reality I've been dealing with my depression. I've had it for many years actually. However I got myself into a state of complete numbness and detachment from any emotion and that I somehow learned to live at that level for most of my life. Until recently, and I still don't exactly know what suddenly opened the flood gates, but since the beginning of the year I've started to poke my head out of this emptiness and try to fix things. I just started seeing a therapist this month. I refuse to be put on pills and am instead trying to work out my issues through logic and intellect. I know this isn't the best route for everyone, but I think this will be the best for me. I've only had two sessions so progress is still too early to tell.
My mind has been a shear clusterfuck over the last few months. I can't concentrate, my memory is worse, I feel extremely detached from most things, I have trouble sleeping, I've been suicidal and had urges to cut myself. I don't cry, I get irritated easily and I'm tired almost all the time. And I wish I could say there was a easy answer for my depression, a trauma or huge event that dramatically changed my life and I haven't been the same since, but I really can't think of any. Who knows, maybe I just blocked the memories out. Or maybe it's just a chemical imbalance. All I know is that life outside of the emptiness is daunting. I'm plagued with insecurities and self-doubts. I feel as though I'm more detached from things now than as I was before. Or maybe I was just good at faking it before.
Sometimes it feels so difficult to put up with myself. I'm too controlling, I over think everything, I have intimacy issues, I'm insecure, I can't open up to people and I can't let people see how weak I really am. There's also this stigma attached to depression, that everyone gets it every once in a while and it's not that big of a deal, "oh just have a good cry and everything will be fine tomorrow" kind of attitude. I don't feel sad, I feel empty. I don't need to cry, I need to feel something.
My mind has been a shear clusterfuck over the last few months. I can't concentrate, my memory is worse, I feel extremely detached from most things, I have trouble sleeping, I've been suicidal and had urges to cut myself. I don't cry, I get irritated easily and I'm tired almost all the time. And I wish I could say there was a easy answer for my depression, a trauma or huge event that dramatically changed my life and I haven't been the same since, but I really can't think of any. Who knows, maybe I just blocked the memories out. Or maybe it's just a chemical imbalance. All I know is that life outside of the emptiness is daunting. I'm plagued with insecurities and self-doubts. I feel as though I'm more detached from things now than as I was before. Or maybe I was just good at faking it before.
Sometimes it feels so difficult to put up with myself. I'm too controlling, I over think everything, I have intimacy issues, I'm insecure, I can't open up to people and I can't let people see how weak I really am. There's also this stigma attached to depression, that everyone gets it every once in a while and it's not that big of a deal, "oh just have a good cry and everything will be fine tomorrow" kind of attitude. I don't feel sad, I feel empty. I don't need to cry, I need to feel something.