Look Alive
So, this is probably going to be another dower post, so in advance I'll apologize. My depression has been rather unpredictable, and by that I mean it comes and goes as it fucking pleases. I will be pretty good for a week or so and then for some reason or another, something that seems insignificant enough will set off a week or so of depression. It doesn't help that the therapist I was seeing was an intern and has left and now I'm switching to one of the permanent therapists but she doesn't have any appointments until the beginning of the year. Honestly though, I wasn't seeing huge changes from seeing Heidi (my old therapist), but I still feel slightly panicked at the thought of not seeing anyone for over two months. You would think that since this whole therapy thing is still new to me that going for a short length of time without having someone validate my feelings and nodding at me for a hour wouldn't be that big of a deal. However, I feel like I've unearthed a shit load of issues that were lurking around in my head and only now since I've shed light on them are they really becoming almost crippling. I don't know, it just feels really weird being in my head right now.
On top of that I've been feeling really isolated. My friends seem to be distant lately, due partly to me kind of retreating into myself and because they all have things that are consuming their attentions. I don't blame or resent them for having lives that exist outside of me, obviously, but I guess it's just bad timing. It's hard to talk about your depression when someone is engaged and has a kid, or boring someone with your petty problems when they're busy being apart of Occupy Wall Street, or trying to get someones attention when they are separated from their husband and are dating as many men as humanly possible. It's like I'm screaming on the inside but not a sound comes out. Part of my problem is that I can't or won't open up to people about my issues, hence the isolation. I guess I just go around hoping that someday someone will notice that my eyes are empty. Or that someone would be worried enough about me to ask me about my depression. Given, I've only really told three people about it other than my parents, but those few people I chose to tell were people I thought would be able to help save me from myself. I know that's a huge undertaking that no one should have to do, I shouldn't expect them to be able to do that since I've always hated when other people have wanted me to fix them. But it feels like they don't know what to say or are scared to ask me about it. The thing is, I can't just open up and just spill my guts, but if they just asked questions, I would talk their fucking ears off.
I'm pretty much just being whiny and needy. This isn't my most eloquent or concise post, but fuck it. I come here to vent and try to make sense of the gibberish that goes on in my mind. Let's hope the next post won't be so cynical.
On top of that I've been feeling really isolated. My friends seem to be distant lately, due partly to me kind of retreating into myself and because they all have things that are consuming their attentions. I don't blame or resent them for having lives that exist outside of me, obviously, but I guess it's just bad timing. It's hard to talk about your depression when someone is engaged and has a kid, or boring someone with your petty problems when they're busy being apart of Occupy Wall Street, or trying to get someones attention when they are separated from their husband and are dating as many men as humanly possible. It's like I'm screaming on the inside but not a sound comes out. Part of my problem is that I can't or won't open up to people about my issues, hence the isolation. I guess I just go around hoping that someday someone will notice that my eyes are empty. Or that someone would be worried enough about me to ask me about my depression. Given, I've only really told three people about it other than my parents, but those few people I chose to tell were people I thought would be able to help save me from myself. I know that's a huge undertaking that no one should have to do, I shouldn't expect them to be able to do that since I've always hated when other people have wanted me to fix them. But it feels like they don't know what to say or are scared to ask me about it. The thing is, I can't just open up and just spill my guts, but if they just asked questions, I would talk their fucking ears off.
I'm pretty much just being whiny and needy. This isn't my most eloquent or concise post, but fuck it. I come here to vent and try to make sense of the gibberish that goes on in my mind. Let's hope the next post won't be so cynical.