“They may be called the Palace Guard, the City Guard, or the Patrol. Whatever the name, their purpose in any work of heroic fantasy is identical: it is, round about Chapter Three (or ten minutes into the film) to rush into the room, attack the hero one at a time, and be slaughtered. No one ever asks them if they want to. 
This book is dedicated to those fine men.” 

I was really looking forward to reaching Guards! Guards! in my Discworld reread. It is the novel in which Sam Vimes and the city’s night watch first appear, as well as featuring an extended role for the wonderful librarian.

A secret brotherhood, the Unique and Supreme Lodge of the Elucidated Brethren of the Ebon Night, plot to overthrow the Patrician Havelock Vetenari by using a dragon summoned from wherever it is that all the dragons went.  As plans go this has some weaknesses, not least the dragon’s reluctance to return to its own realm once the people have been gulled into accepting a new puppet king. The fine men of the Night Watch, who at full strength are Captain Vimes, Sergeant Colon, Corporal Nobbs, and Lance Constable Carrot Ironfoundersson, set out restore order, aided by their new deputy, the Librarian.

Vimes is a drunk, fit only for the Watch, a small group of incompetents suited for bell ringing and running away. Newly appointed Constable Carrot is the exception to this rule. Brought up by a dwarf family (a great visual joke that Elf obviously borrowed) he is a strapping young man full of enthusiasm and youthful idealism for the rule of law – his first act on being sworn in is to arrest the head of the Thieves’ Guild.

Vimes begins investigating the dragon attacks, and in doing so meets Lady Sybil Ramkin, a magnificent swamp dragon breeder (That is, she is magnificent, not the swamp dragons, which are to royal dragons what chihuahuas are to great danes). She gives him a pet dragon, Errol, and offers help in the investigation. While the Brethren’s plan initially works and the Patriarch is deposed, the dragon returns unexpectedly during the coronation, eats the prospective king, and takes up residence in the palace. He seems to be able to control Vetinari’s chief minister Wones, clearly the Supreme Master of the brethren all along, through telepathy. A new order is imposed in which tributes are paid to the dragon in the form of gold, jewels, and a monthly human sacrifice.  I won’t give away the finale because I am getting soft in my old age, but suffice to say fans of Shrek won’t be taken by surprise.

A commonly asked question about Discworld is where to start? At the beginning is always the best place, of course, but I would accept that it takes quite a bit of determination to face the prospect of the 40 or so novels in the series. If you are not convinced you have the stamina for the long haul, and want to sample Sir Terry when he had really hit his stride, then Guards! Guards! is a great starting place. You don’t need to have read any of the preceding novels as a precondition to enjoying Guards! – it works well as a stand alone narrative. It also introduces you to a range of characters who you will grow to love, if you have a heart. I’ve written before and often about my love for this series, and I would still argue that Granny Weatherwax is one of the greatest female characters in all literature (yes, I am well aware that sounds preposterously overstated – I stand by every word.) But Sam Vimes is the character with the most interesting story arc – he starts this novel as a broken wreck of a man, and by the end of the series he – well, things get a lot better for him. It’s a story of redemption through public service, and that may sounds pompous but it’s true nonetheless.

Rereading these novels is a joy, in part because you know what is to come and can spot all the small moments of foreshadowing. Vimes and Lady Ramkin’s relationship is that rare thing, a believable romance between two characters past their prime. The other source of pleasure in the novels is the “spot the pop culture reference” game STP loves to play – the text refers playfully to Sherlock Holmes, (“There was also the curious incident of the orangutan in the night-time”) Casablanca, Evelyn Waugh, Dirty Harry, and the Hobbit, to name just a few.

Guards! is written with an obvious love for books, bookshops, and libraries. This shines through in the many references to the importance of these in our lives and the special place in hell reserved for people who don’t respect them.

“The truth is that even big collections of ordinary books distort space, as can readily be proved by anyone who has been around a really old-fashioned secondhand bookshop, one that looks as though they were designed by M. Escher on a bad day and has more stairways than storeys and those rows of shelves which end in little doors that are surely too small for a full-sized human to enter. The relevant equation is: Knowledge = power = energy = matter = mass; a good bookshop is just a genteel Black Hole that knows how to read.” 

Creating the beloved librarian to protect the Unseen University’s library was a great gift.

Last but not least I can never read Pratchett without being reminded yet again of his awesome ability to turn a phrase, comedic, philosophical or otherwise. Here are just a few random examples:

“They felt, in fact, tremendously bucked-up, which was how Lady Ramkin would almost certainly have put it and which was definitely several letters of the alphabet away from how they normally felt.”

“Someone out there was about to find that their worst nightmare was a maddened Librarian. With a badge.”

“A good bookshop is just a genteel Black Hole that knows how to read.”

“The three rules of the Librarians of Time and Space are: 1) Silence; 2) Books must be returned no later than the last date shown; and 3) Do not interfere with the nature of causality.”

“… a metaphor … is like lying but more decorative.”

“His sister had been sent down to the village to ask Mistress Garlick the witch how you stopped spelling recommendation.”

Glorious.