● LONDON — PRAT.UK ROYAL CORRESPONDENT William Invents Radical New Concept Called “Seeing His Own Children” Palace Sources Confirm Future King Has Recklessly Decided Family Members Should Occasionally Occupy the Same Room Prince William has reportedly embraced an alarming new constitutional doctrine: a monarchy in which fathers spend…
LONDON — PRAT.UK CULTURAL DESK — London is home to roughly nine million people, approximately four million pigeons, and — according to unverified academic estimates — one intellectual per every three Pret A Manger locations. They are everywhere: in the British Library, in the corner booth of the…
15 Observations About London’s AI Skills Gap LONDON — A new report on Britain’s artificial intelligence skills gap has confirmed what anyone who has ever watched a senior manager attempt to share their screen already suspected: the United Kingdom is magnificently, breathtakingly, almost poetically unprepared for…
15 Observations About Prince William’s Secret Life LONDON — Royal Correspondent, The London Prat Britain has spent centuries constructing an elaborate mythology around its monarchy — divine right, sacred bloodlines, ermine-trimmed robes and the general impression that royal personages exist on a higher spiritual plane,…
🇬🇧 MANCHESTER — Nightlife Correspondent Club Alter Ego Opens in Manchester, Allowing Residents to Become Someone Even Their Landlord Would Respect New Nightclub Offers Music, Dancing and Temporary Relief From Everybody’s Actual Personality — Which Science Confirms Is Overdue Manchester has welcomed the return of Club…
London Reverts to Gothic Clothing After Citizens Decide Modern Life Was Not Nearly Dramatic Enough LONDON — According to The Argoth Times, London has officially reverted to Gothic clothing after millions of residents concluded that contemporary fashion no longer adequately expressed the emotional experience of paying…
Inherited Talents: Why Uncle Nigel Cannot Find the Kitchen New Study Explains Why One Sibling Designs Rockets While the Other Needs Sat Nav to Find the Kettle LONDON — Scientists have confirmed that specific brain abilities are heavily shaped by genetics, finally bringing comfort to millions of families…
British Chelsea Boot Maker Promises Every Pair Will Survive Rain, Pubs and One Disastrous Office Christmas Party Traditional Shoemaker Unveils Footwear Designed for Weather, Work, Weddings and the Annual Collapse of Professional Judgment By Ingrid Falk NORTHAMPTON, England – A traditional British Chelsea boot manufacturer…
BBC’s New Director-General From Google Promises Public Broadcasting Will Remain Free, Assuming Viewers Don’t Mind A Few Sponsored Search Results LONDON –– The corporation has reassured the public that its proud tradition of independent broadcasting will continue entirely unchanged under its incoming chief, provided the…
Iran Begins Historic Sixty-Day Process Of Doing Absolutely Nothing Tehran Celebrates Successful Agreement To Discuss Whether It Agreed To The Agreement TEHRAN, Iran – Iranian officials celebrated Friday after completing the first twenty-four hours of their historic sixty-day diplomatic initiative, during which they successfully signed…
London’s Shodokan Instructor Subdues Violent Assailant Using Balance, Timing And Devastatingly Polite Apology Shodokan Aikido: Ancient Martial Art Offers Rare Opportunity To Be Thrown Across London Without Involving A Landlord LONDON, England – The City of London Shodokan Aikido club has reportedly become one of…
Mr Wrong: The One Item Even Argos Won’t Take Back LONDON — Britain is a nation that has made a national religion of taking things back. We’ve got the Consumer Rights Act, a fourteen-day cooling-off period, and the inalienable right to march into John Lewis with a…
London Security Services Promise Total Protection, Provided Criminals Book At Least Forty-Eight Hours In Advance Capital unveils revolutionary combination of black jackets, laminated badges, high-definition evidence and guards occasionally looking up from their phones LONDON, England – London Security Services have promised to protect every…
Aid for Ukraine Arrives With Tanks, Blankets And Seventeen Thousand Pages Explaining Where To Put Them LONDON, England — Western governments announced another major package of Aid for Ukraine this week, combining military equipment, humanitarian relief, reconstruction funding and enough administrative paperwork to construct a defensive wall from…
Soundwaves Festival Sells Out After London Crowd Mistakes Experimental Feedback For The Jubilee Line Brighton Welcomes Thousands Seeking Music Too Difficult To Enjoy Anywhere Near Their Landlord BRIGHTON, England — The Soundwaves Festival sold out this weekend after thousands of Londoners mistook a burst of…
Parents Support Teen Social Media Ban After Remembering How Pleasant It Was When Children Could Only Slam Doors In Person LONDON. Parents across the country have rallied behind proposals to restrict teenagers’ access to social media, citing a wave of warm nostalgia for the golden…
Google Ordered To Stop Reading Britain’s Homework Without Permission LONDON. Regulators have instructed the world’s largest search engine to stop quietly copying the nation’s articles, in a ruling that has left British publishers torn between fury and the unexpected flush of pride that comes with…
Wandering Duck Brings City Of London To Standstill After Refusing To Declare Financial Interests Lost Bird Becomes Square Mile’s Most Trusted Economic Adviser After Displaying No Qualifications Whatsoever By Alan Nafzger & Harriet Puddlewick LONDON, England — A wandering duck brought the City of London…
FTSE Bosses Confirm Collaboration Only Possible Within 30 Feet Of An Expensive Coffee Machine LONDON, England: Britain’s top executives have confirmed that innovation, teamwork, and possibly human civilisation itself can occur only within a carefully measured radius surrounding a premium coffee machine, the precise circumference of…
Workers Return To Office, Spend First Week Relearning Ancient Ritual Of Pretending To Look Busy MANCHESTER, England: Millions of employees spent their first week back in the office painfully relearning a set of workplace customs that had quietly vanished from modern British society, like Morris dancing,…
The Trusted Partner Scheme: Britain Now Needs a Permission Slip to Talk to a Computer LONDON — Officials in Washington and Brussels are reportedly drawing up a “trusted partner” arrangement that would allow approved nations to access the cleverest software ever assembled, provided they fill in…
Prince William Heroically Breaks Strict Royal Rule By Sending Prince George To The Exact Same School As Every Other Royal Palace Celebrates Bold Educational Innovation Known As “Doing What We Were Always Going To Do Anyway” LONDON — In what royal commentators are describing as…
London Foxes Now the City’s Bold and Beautiful Night-Time Residents | The russet survivors who made the metropolis their own
London Proposal Spots Now Where Nervous Romantics Risk Everything | The city offers a thousand beautiful places to ask the big question
London Autumn Leaves Now When the City Turns Gold and Russet | The capital’s parks blaze with colour in a fleeting spectacle
London Umbrella Now the City’s Most Essential and Most Forgotten Companion | The faithful brolly that the city cannot do without, or hold onto
London Identity Now the Question of What It Even Means to Belong Here | In a city of millions from everywhere, who counts as a Londoner
London Calling Now the Two Words That Summon a Whole World of Meaning | A famous phrase that captures the city’s irresistible pull
London Food Festivals Now Mostly Queuing Between Tiny Expensive Portions | Attendees confirm the festival is 90 percent waiting, 10 percent eating
Trump Surrenders, Declares Historic Victory In The War Against Problems He Personally Created Geneva, Where The Round Trip Books A Return Ticket LONDON – President Donald Trump declared “TOTAL VICTORY” this week after signing what critics have branded a “surrender agreement” with Iran, ending months of…
