Culture Feature Sports

Bury Phoenix

Phoenix Club Delays Rising Until Completion of Rise Feasibility Study BURY — The long-awaited rebirth of local football took another decisive step forward this week when officials confirmed that the proposed phoenix club would postpone all rising activities until a comprehensive Rise Feasibility Study could…

Culture Social Tourism

Middle-Class Tourists Flee to Europe

British Holiday Horror: Middle-Class Tourists Flee to Europe Just to Experience Trains That Actually Arrive LONDON — Travel analysts confirmed Thursday that thousands of middle-class Britons are now booking European holidays less for culture, food, or weather and more to briefly experience public infrastructure that…

Feature Political

Farage Celebrates Election

Farage Celebrates Election Results by Doing Whatever Farage Does When Nobody’s Filming Him Britain’s most documented politician takes a well-earned private moment that absolutely nobody observed CLACTON — Nigel Farage, a man who has spent the better part of thirty years in some form of…

Royals Social

Royal Protection Officers

Royal Protection Officers Still Pretending They Knew Where Diana Was That Night LONDON — Decades later, several former royal protection officers are still maintaining what historians now call “the most polite cover story in British history,” insisting they were fully aware of Princess Diana’s whereabouts…

Feature

United Kingdom Speaks English; Also Welsh; Also Scottish Gaelic; Also Polish; Also Punjabi; Also Somali; Also Approximately 298 Other Languages; English Is the One Everyone Agrees On

United Kingdom Speaks English; Also Welsh; Also Scottish Gaelic; Also Polish; Also Punjabi; Also Somali; Also Approximately 298 Other Languages; English Is the One Everyone Agrees On | Nation That Invented the English Language Has No Official Language Policy; Manages Fine Without One; Has 300 Languages Spoken by Residents; Considers This a Feature Rather Than a Bug