This is Vital

In the event of necessity, I give power of atorny to Victoria Counter.

(there may be spelling mistakes, I apologise)

It's been a while since I said anything of interest here, LJ says my last post was about 32 weeks ago and a lot has happened.

The Bad News

Homelessness is a complete bitch, and I've been essentially and technically homeless since Fev 06. Although a lot is done for the homeless community by (mainly xian) organisations, there is still room for improvement by the government. I won't start on this cos I don't want to make anybody's eyes bleed.

Complete and utter emotional breakdowns are problomatic. Since Feb 06 I've conted 3. That means 3 new personalities to come to terms with. Each seems to be that little bit more agressive than the last, but it is tempered with wisdom. It's been like going throuh 3 initiations (inner) and discovering myself for the first time. But hey it's been fun in a way.

... and now the Good NewsConclusions

I don't know what's around the next corner, but I do know it's going to be a real adventure. I've discovered true friends and myself (several times).

I love myself (in a none vain or ickky way) for the first time in my life and I feel ballanced

hi peeps,

it's been a while, I'm at a local net cafe at the moment and I'm just wanting to let ppl know that I'm still alive.

a lot has happened in the past months that I'm not proud of and they will remain private, though I have come to certain conclusions about myself and my "code of honour" - family, friends, community and self are the order of importance. (I look at is a relearnint).

I know that in my breakdown I have hurt/dissapointed some people and I will make no excuses, I will only say sorry. there are some people I would like to speak to again though I can't pin down my own motives - let it be that I will contacat as and when I am aware.

I've learned to be a very private person and feel that it will take me a while to get to trust myself with me again.

I hope that everyone is okay.

Do you procrastinate? read this and make it work for you.

Priate vinal here.

Took my first yesterday and have just taken my second.

Initial reaction was a feeling of being spaced out as if I was just about to come up on some MDMA, this lasted all day - I guress Citalopram effects the seretonine some how (note to self - look it up on Google at some point).

Walked to Naaomi's and Pauls in Clifton Moor yesterday during the only time it wasn't pissing it down, and it was quite an enjoyable walk. And it was good to see Names and Paul and Kain again, and have the opportunity to just talk with Names.

Got fed (pizza) and couldn't finish it - I don't know if some surpression of appertite is a side effect of the meds or if I just wasn't that hungry yesterday, but will keep an eye on things.

Also noticed my shakes seem to be amplified to day - don't know if side effect or not yet.

Although these meds are supposed to take 4-6 weeks to kick in I had a very up day yesterday even if it would have been my Nans 98th birthday.

I also slept better last night than I have in a long time.

edit Here's Wikipedia has to say about SSRI's

Went to the doctors yesterday and was prescribed Citalopram to help me beat the depression.

Apparently some of the more interesting side effects are: Euphoia, difficulty in reaching orgasm, productin of breast milk (in men and women), a higher and/or lower sex drive, insomnia and halucinations.

Hmm - interesting.

I met someone today. A kind of cross between a social worker and a counceler. Their exact role in my life is not important, what is important is the advice she gave me.

"It's time you started doing what you want, look after number one for a change instead of everyone else"

So now I'm going to think about what I want: out of life, friendships, relationships and work.

I know I want the following

• A place of my own


• A job I am comfortable with


• Friends I can talk to about anything, without self sensorship


• A lover who will be there for me when everythings going crap, and I there for them - without need to second guess each others motives, someone who will take liverly debate as a testing of ideas and not an act of war and will listen to anothers point of view without seeing it as a threat.


• Fun


• Happyness


• A family of my own - and all the heartache that entails

I don't think I'm asking too much there - do you?

It would be good if just one thing this year went as planned, just once. I mean is that too much to demand of the Gods?

I haven't failed at anything - just succeeded in ways I didn't anticipate.

Sure I've remade the aquaintacne of some very good old friends - this was unexpected. But I've also succeeded in finding another couple of ways I can allow my heart can be broken.

I'm lonely - most of the people I can turn to and talk freely with are scattered all over the UK and the rest seem to be in Europe.

I've learned to not trust peoples motives, I even hold mind as suspect.

Well the next 8 days will reveal a lot - those who need to know my intent, do and a few others too

For the past few nights I've been having some weird dreams.

Friday I was walking down Canal Street, Manchester, at night with a group of people I did not know and someone at my side says "What am I?" - and I say "A girl" (she came up to my shoulder and was dressed in baggy trousers and jumper (all in various shades of green), with shord 'dirty blond' hair and piercing eyes) and then she turns to the rest of the group and says "See I told you - he noticed".

All well and good - a strange dream to be quietly forgotten, untill we come to last nights dream.

I don't know where I was, but I was with another group of people (again unknown) it was daytime and we where looking for somewhere to party. Most of the group went in one direction and I went into another and found myself in a darkened room and a girl comes up and says "Hi, remember me!" (given more as a command than a question) "I'm the one you dreamed of last night and you recognised me for what I am", and yes it was the same girl in the same cloathing. She kissed me, not passionately - just friendly and then led me out into the sunshine.

I then found myself alone with a lump of hash in my pocket, I don't know how it got there but I was thankful for it and then proceeded to put together a small joint. And then I woke up just as I took my first hit.

I'm not saying that there is any meaning in these dreams or anyghing, I am mearly commenting on their strangeness. I have had many dreams in the past where I dream of people whome I don't know and sometimes they have been reocuring figures - but I have never been told that I dreamed of someone before in dream - in a way that's what makes this stand out, a kind of surealness.

Maybe its just my head telling me to get some blow and an unconvential friend who asks bloody strange questions.

I did a whois search for the:

(Anonymous)
Subject: phone
Link: (Link)
Time: 2006-05-10 06:38 pm (UTC)
IP Address: 192.190.202.10
can you give me a phone sometime,

My phone died and i can't get your number off it.

:-(

comment left on my LJ - and that ip seems to belong to a company in Holand.

"Curiouser and curiouser" said Alice.

Oh well the mystery shall remain such.

I've realised just now in the past 10 minutes that I've been living my life for the past 10 years plus based upon what other people want of me. Well thanks to a really good friend who recently got back in touch - and made the teacher learn from his student - asking the right questions, I've decided to live my life by my wants and needs.

Paul is back - the pre Mae Paul - no longer will I be pussy whipped by the whims and wills of others. I know very few of you knew me before Mae, though the cances are that you know of someone who did.

I have had time to think about what I want my persona to be after my last breakdown and I've decided to be "that which I am" again (those of a QBL leaning will know this formulea in its fullest and understand some). No more will I be concerned about foolishness of petty wishes, or the stupidity of "Please Mr [insert god name here] can I have ...", I am Mage and Witch and Sorcerer and the universe is my play ground, my toy.

Just to clarify I am friend to those how help me and have helped me and would gladly lay my life down in defence of those. But to those who hinder me now, past or future I will spell it out in english "I am becoming that which I am" and I will quote from Liber Al vel Legis (sub figur XXCC) II - 23 for the hard of thinking "I am alone: there is no God where I am".

Now before anyone gets on their soapbox let me just say "I am I and thou art thou" so if you disagree with me, make it an inteligent argument and not just a rant - a rant would demine me in responding and demine you in it's writing, where as an inteligent, well thought out argument would be listened to.

So he's back Fr. Pan, Fr. S.D.R, Fr. Go Dai Sho and Paul, who has no master but himself.

Okay that's said - How is everyone today?

A peom for my Nan - writen 01/05/06

I remember one Yule when I where ill,
You where there holding my hand,
Mopping my brow, keeping me safe.
And I remember more.

I remember when we talked,
An' lessons where in thy words,
Seldom agreements of opinion made.
And I remember more.

I remember holding your hand,
As you lay in wait for thy final breath,
I whispered my Prayers for yor peace.
And I remember more.

I'll remember our final night,
Your Family all around.
I'll remember our every day.
And I'll remember more.

I'll remember ther gifts you gave,
Of wisdom, love and joy.
I'll remember who you where.
And I'll remember all.

(In Loving Memory of Carline May Whitfield 1908 - 2006)

Got back from Liverpool yesterday and for the first time in years - I was a little bit sorry to go. I'd made contact with some very good old frinds and I helped my mother understand me a little bit better.

The funeral sevice was nice and of course my eyes developed a really heavy leak.

After the funeral I called my HPS and let her know how everything went - and then Fi, and for some reason just talking to her about her happyness made me feel a lot better about myself.

I was in bed and asleep by 10pm (I fucking hate traveling) and slept almost the night through for the first time in over a week - just woke up once because of the heat.

I'll post again later, I have a poem I want to share with the world, and I have things to do today.

BTW (almost forgot) someone posted this anonomously to one of my posts


can you give me a phone sometime,

My phone died and i can't get your number off it.

:-(

No name is okay (people can be forgetfull) but how do I call a pbone that's died?

Have removed some people from my freinds list because as much as I love them we where developing a mutualy destructive relationship. We both have a lot of anger to work through, and while it is not all my fault it is not all theirs either.

The question is where do we go from here - and to be honest I don't know. And therein lies the adventrue - maybe I'll leave York (for me and not because I've been told to) maybe I'll stay - but it's going to be fun either way.

I have rediscovered old friends in the past weeks, I've also made new ones and it's to friends - old and new - that I carry on and endure the pains of life and it's sorrows.

next time we meet I will be the person I choose to be - will you? and I have one person to thank who saw me for who and what I am and gave me the chance to be honest with myself first, and in so being I've been honest with others to the extent that it would have been painful to be so truethfull with myself a month ago. I came out as Bi to my mother and she is fine with it (accepting) and I can now feel what being jealouse is about (painfull but refreshing).

So next time we meet I will have a family again and you will still be bitter, I will be happy - you I don't know.

Just look after yourself.

Went into Liverpool City Centre today and bumped into someone who helped me bury Pooky - this week is getting too strange for me - I'll be glad to get back to York tomorrow if only for a few days before I have to come back for my Nans funeral on Turesday.

I got in touch with my oldest friend today (Pete) - haven't really seem him since my wedding, where he was my best man. - and filled him in on current and recent events.

He then told me that his Mum died of lung cancer, his sister of breast cancer and a mutual friend whome we've both gigged with died two years ago tomorrow in a road accident.

I will toast each of their lives and cherrish the memories I have of them later tonight.

Again I need to process - I've lost a lot of good people in my life and I don't know what I feel right now.

But right now I want to tell of his mother and sister. My earliest memory of Pete as a friend in school and not as just someone I knew is one luchntime and I'd had my lunch money nicked and he took me to his. His mother (Elenor) fed me with out question and his sister (Alice) asked me if I was okay and if what she should call me (Paul or Mann or Mannie).

I will always remember their friendship with tenderness and tonight I remembered that first meal of Heinze Tomato soup by having it with buttered bread tonight. As I ate I remembered Bill (Pete's older brother) telling me to just dunk the bread in - which tonight I did as I was too scared and shy then.

My Nan passed a few minutes past 1700h today, I'd sat vigile over her with my Father, Step Mother and my Sister Clair untill 0630h and then walked back to my mothers to sleep, so my I was woken at 1708h by my mum who was there at the end.

I went in to see her at about 1800h and she looked so peaceful and restful.

I quoted a part of Liber Al (There are rituals for the elements and feast for the times. A feast for water and a feast for fire. A feast for life and a greater feast for death.) before prommising to feast her life to the fullest.

Anyway I'm still a little bit numb and still processing right now.

I'll post more later.

Well I'm in that hell hole known as Liverpool, where you get the impression that the only band to come out of here was the Beatles (although they where Great).

I've seen my Nan and I've said that I love her and I've cried as I told her whilst holding her hand how much she means to me as a friend, as a teacher and as a Grandmother. And although she seemed to be sleeping I knew she heard what I was saying.

Her organs are failing and I know the time of her passing will be in the next few hours or at the most days (she is a still a fierce fighter).

Right now I'm feeling numb in a way, kind of happy at having had the opportunity to see her and say what needed to be said, and sad at seeing her so frail, but she seemed to be comfortable and peaceful.

Anyway I@m about to start leaking again so I'd best go and just leak with a tissue or something.

Well I'm back from Cambridge and it was a very theraputic trip.

Fi is happy with her new beau, which makes me very happy and yes he got the traditional warnings, and apparently so did Fi from his friends.

A lot has been learned and I'm still processing it all, but I'll tell you what I know now.

1. I have a true friend I can be totally honest with and talk about anything - a rare thing indeed


2. The clutter of baggage called my mind has been cleared up - and most of my past relationships have been properly grieved for


3. I am still in love with jools - and I have written and posted a 7 page letter being as open and honest with her as I have been with myself of late and with Fi, and is more honest and frank than I have been with anyone including myself in years


4. If I can't be honest with myself first - I have no chance of being so with other people


5. There are times when it is best for the pupil to teach the master

On a much sadder not, my Nan is dying and I need to get to liverpool tomorrow so that I have a chance to say goodbye, but thanks to Fi being there to offer hugs and understanding it's not going to be as hard as it could have been (and note to self - listen to my own advice and talk about things as they come up with this). I feel like I'm prepared for the bad news.

I'm off for a week, just waiting for my lift down south and I'll update as and when - but pos not untill I get back.

Have fun and enjoy

Stolen from missmagic

1. I'll respond with something random I like about you.
2. I'll tell you what song/movie reminds me of you.
3. I'll name something we should do together.
4. I'll say something that only makes sense to you and me (or just me).
5. I'll tell you my first/clearest memory of you.
6. I'll leave you a quote that is somehow appropriate to you.
7. I'll ask you something that I've always wondered about you.
8. If I do this for you, you must post this on your journal so you can do the same for other people, well, only if you want to...

From new Scientist

Goth subculture may protect vulnerable children

I spent what felt like the whole day yesterday with My Princess in one form or another. Me her in town and went looking for some piano music with her, got a sandwich and then went back to Robs to eat and talk. We discussed our plans for the future, what we want from ourselves etc.. and she got me a little Momiji (blond doll like thing) so that I can remmember her - like I could ever forget. We cuddled - lots, just holding each other without rush or urgency with only a need to be in each others arm, and we talked about where things where going with the whole 'us' thing untill about 5:30 when she had to go.

Sarah called about 8ish (we talked until 2) and I told her about my good news, got told off becasue of something called rebound (like we haven't thought about it and discussed it) and she thinks I'm rushing into things.

About half 9 she called me up and we started talking - told her about the conversation with Sarah then moved on to the 'us' thing again and decided that the best thing for us is to have a schrodingers relationship - we're going to wait until after her exams before we see if a relationship exists and in the meantime assume that it may exist beyond friendship.

This means, I'm going to be 100% faithfull until I hear that our assumption is wrong. Either way there is no harm done.

Terminator 4 to begin filming next year - with or without Arnie. I guess he won't be back

I'm in a very strange place and I'm feeling a bout of extreem naval gazing coming on.

The people I want to be able to talk to I can't for one reason or another. The people (or rather person) I can talk to confuses me in ways I don't understand. I'm 38 yet I feel like a schoolboy when I think of her.

It's not lust or desire, its deeper than that it's not even love - it's more of a deep close friendship where I'd rather just walk away than be the cause of any pain.

Maybe it is a kind of love, but not the I want to get all sweaty and messy kind, more Agape. And I find myself needing to understand where I fucked up my friendships with Cat, Mae and a few others, just so that I don't fuck this frinedship up.

I cried tears of grief yesterday, other my nan who's dying, over my relationship with jools, and after that I ended up with a freind in the Black Swan talking about the future for and feeling good about the future for the first time in a lifetime. Mainly because the future has friends, not lovers in it.

I also tried to see Mae, to let her know about my nan, mainly because Mae is still family dispite the divorce and she has a right to know.

And I deleted every pic from my phone, just to start afresh.

Pagan Eye site is now updated and now fully interactive so go on along to it here.

It's taken best part of 18 months, grabbing an hour here or there, sometimes not touching it for weeks or even months, but it's done.

Greed:	High
Gluttony:	High
Wrath:	Medium
Sloth:	Medium
Envy:	Medium
Lust:	Very High
Pride:	Medium

Take the Seven Deadly Sins Quiz

I've decided to have a Cull of my LJ FL. So if you want to be on it or off if let me know

it's been a long time since there had been so few at an open circle, but I suppose with it also being mothers day it was inevertable that numbers would be diminished.

Anyway despite there being only one person (me), the ritual went ahead as planned.

I suppose I'd better start reminding people a bit nearer the time via email and LJ for the Beltain do.

Paul

It can be said that life is a series of beginnings and endings, and what began two years ago as a drunken idea is about to take wing and become a true entity in it's own right.

Watch this space - for although it is only the end of the beginning and not an end in itself I am beginning to feel accomplished.

Just spent half a day writing a setup script for site which sets up the DB, any tables that need to be prepopulated, the admin account and then deletes itself.

I then spent half a day recoding said script because it deleted itself in a test.

Oh well, never mind.

I found this interesting

I'm off to Liverpool tomorrow to pick up my gear, after plan A fell through Rob has kindly offered to help (plan C will be put into opperation tonight - just in case and requires my mother storing it all until next Wednesday).

At the moment I'm feeling a lot of paranoia, I have untill tomorrow to remove my propperty or it gets dumped and I'm imagining a heated confrontation.

On the plus side I met someone yesterday who I just felt that we connected. Her name is Sue, 35 with two kids (18 & 17) and I have her number. The thing is I have one hell of a lot of baggage and I don't think it's fair me dumping it all on her so we'll have to see how things go - and I'm not sure if I'm going to call her at the moment (I just want to get the Liverpool thing out of the way first). Though I do feel she is someone I can talk to and listen to.

Personally I'd rather get my life together, a job and a home etc.. before I embark upon another voage of emotional turmoil. And still being in love with Jools and having some romantic feeling towards Cat and Mae won't help at all.

It's been an interesting week and a bit. It's almmost as if the Gods approve of my need to be in York. Not only did the train from Liverpool go straight through to York, but I've been getting reaquainted with old friends, some of whome I haven't seen in years.

And the level of support I've been getting from people is unparralelled and I'd just like to say thank you to you all - friends are important and it means a lot that my friends are who they are.

One day I will repay you all for what you've done for me.

I'm going to be moving back to york - I can't stand it here - how or when I don't know, but I got my CV around about a dozen places yesterday and each one of them said "it's a pity you moved from York - such a nice place" and it sounded like they where asking if it hurt when my arm was ripped off. So I may be walking home in the next week.

I'm off the Liverpool at 1-ish (when my dad gets here). So this is going to be my last post in York.

Right now I'm feeling very sad and tearfull so forgive me if I ramble a bit (I'm also breakfasting of beer to numb the pain somewhat).

I will be back here when I've showen the Gods that it was a mistake moving me to Liverpool (They've made their choices - they live with it).

Anyway I've got to get on with packing (essentials only) and I'll update when I've got my head together more .

I love you all

Okay I've tried sleeping for the past 2 and a bit hours but with no success. I know what's causing it, the idea of moving back to liverpool is stressing me out and I'm hoping beyond hope that one of the feelers I've put out pays off.

It's very possible that on Wednesday I'll be traveling back to Liverpool for a spell, partly to lick my wounds. Partly. So the Moot on Tuesday will be the last and also very likely my going away do and of course everyone is welcome.

I, if I am to leave my beloved York, will be continuing the Open Circle untill Beltain which will be the last I will have anything to do with in an official capacity untill my eventual return. Which I hope will give those of you who can't make it on Tuesday a chance to buy me a drink.

I woke today to discover that I'm single again.

Jools came into the bedroom with a cup of tea and told me that she didn't want to go out with me anymore and that she doesn't love me anymore, and that no one was to blame.

it was all calm and unremarkable.

I'm feeling very empty at the moment - there doesn't seem to be anyone I can get drunk with and talk this through with.

My imediate tasks now are (in no particular order):-

a) Get a Job
b) Find somewhere to live

Okay folks only too dates this month.

14 Feb - The York Moot at the Punch Bowle, Stonegate (we now meet in the front bar as it's none smoking in the back).

22 Feb - The Pagan Piss Up at the Golden Fleece, Pavement (Still meeting in the back bar).

Both from 8pm. Hope to see you there

After, the gods alone know, how many months the faries have decided to give me back my passport - put onto a shelf I would never put it on.

Grrrrrrr arghhhh.

I was going to anounce this at tonights Pagan Piss Up but what the Hell.

After what seems like too long, I can now say with confidence that the Pagan Eye site (version 2.00 beta) will be ready for deployment on or around the 3rd February.

That said I only have one or two little things to sort out (like grahpics, Terms and Conditions of Service, and a slightly cleaner layout), but with enough time on the PC these shouldn't be major issues.

I have asked several people to come in as Beta-testers, who I hope are still up for it and I'll be approaching them individualy at the time.

Last night was the moot at the Punch Bowl and for the third successive month nobody turned up and I was left to drink alone.

There will be one more moot at the Punch Bowl before I call it a day, haven't decided yet what to do about the Open Circle or the Golden Fleece moot execept that people will be taking a more proactive role in the Open Circle (righting of rituals etc..)

So if you can be bothered enougth to reply I'd be interested in knowing how you feel about this.

Lammasu: The Defilers


The Defilers are seducers, ever-changing, always
alluring. They once held dominion over the
oceans, and can alter their appearance like
quicksilver, taking the form of a victims
greatest desire. They can manipulate not only
their bodies, but others as well, granting
glorious beauty in place of ugliness, but
always at a price.



Choose your Place in Hell.
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Perhaps I should go back to basics with my communication skills and relearn the NLP Presuppositions -> here as well as the rest of if ;)