I told my mother on the phone that I couldn’t sleep all night, despite being shattered.

The truth is, after home educating for nigh on three years… I am sending both my children to school. We’re in a different country, you see. I want them to pick up the language they speak here, and I believe the only way they can quickly do this is via the ‘immersive’ method. Throw them in at the deep end.

I am scared to send them. The weather is deathly hot. They won’t know what’s going on because they can’t communicate. They won’t understand their teachers and will find it difficult to make friends when there is a language barrier. I am worried they may come to harm, but what mother isn’t, when she is sending her babies out into this big old world.

The truth is, my job is to prepare them for the world so they venture into it willingly, happily, confidently, and can build themselves a life that is beneficial to them and the world they live in. And if I keep my claws clutched into them for fear of my own heartbreak, I will raise stunted children.

So I lie awake all night, shattered, exhausted, anxious, watching the lights of passing cars flash across my ceiling, until they are replaced by the stable, gentle light of dawn. And I face my children with a carefree smile, dressing them, helping them have their breakfast, and confidently wave at them as they go to others to learn. Do they see my worry? Certainly not. They only see happy, confident mother, guiding them to do and be things she won’t be and do.

Mama knows what’s good for me, and she is happy with it, so I am safe to experiment and explore as I need to.

I hope my weakness is their ladder to strength.