So far today is a “good” day. I am drinking a hazelnut milk latte to my melancholy fall Imagine Dragons-XX- The Neighbourhood-Black Keys-Jack White- Band of horses-Snow Patrol Pandora station on the second floor of the Market of Choice (yeah, I know). The windows are big, the sun is shining, life is bustling all around me. I can observe shoppers, lunch eaters, coffee drinkers unobserved from my birdseye view above them. No observer effect. Oh yeah, and I am writing. For myself. There’s that.
I say today is a good day because not everyday has been lately. My life in so many aspects is ROCKIN, which makes my lows so much more depressing. I am supported and loved by partners, by community in most any endeavor I embark upon. And yet I feel like a deer in headlights, paralyzed, not knowing where to direct my energy in the moment. I have had a blueprint for so long, being mom, acing college, working in my field and blazing new paths there…those were things when they were things and they are no longer MY things, so now I have to find new things, new Muses to spark my lifeforce into action and creation. Otherwise I want to die. Without Muses, without purpose, I become a maimed and lifeless thing, and I do not believe in keeping maimed and lifeless things alive to suffer under some presupposition that life is superior to death. So I am seeking.
There are so many things that are important to me: breaking down bullshit gender norms; helping people (and I am a people too) open, heal and break through the definitions that keep them suffering independently, in relationships and as communities; healing through beauty, art and music. How do I create a life out of working in these areas, where my work is just my way of life, my breath, where I am moved and inspired and financially supported? Fuck. Help me. PLEASE. Better yet, Let’s work on it together, collaboration can be so much more powerful.
Miaya told me yesterday that she sees me as a bridge, a person who will not accept binaries, who refuses to live within them on the most foundational levels (gender, sexuality, relationship styles) and models this as a reality through the way that I move through the world. She shared that she is grateful for my bravery in the world for not simply accepting the rewards that come with passing as this way or that. Does she get that without direction I am sinking in the Swamp of Sadness NeverEnding Story style, and the deeper I sink the harder it is to see the hope to pull me out? And I am so fuckin privileged to have these troubles (in past my feet), and I hate the confines of my professional license and am scared to let go of it so I continue to work in ways that are not 100 percent in my integrity (sucked in to my knees) and people see and treat me like a woman and all that holds (in to my thighs), I hate people for acting like ridiculous douchebags, and I love them because I see their justifiable coping/protective mechanisms so clearly (crotch is submerged), and I can’t totally commit to ANYTHING (bellybutton filled with mud). Ugh.
Gonna change tactic. Ok so I am a bridge. Or even better, a bridge builder. A bridge OVER the Swamp of Sadness that I can stop making from my own body. I have been overwhelmed lately by so many people within my community sharing with me how profoundly affected and changed they are by my presence in their lives, and because of this, a desire to share in closer connection with me. I am SO HONORED, and I LOVE every aspect of any gift that I carry to assist, and I need to figure out how to create mechanisms bigger than myself ( a book, presentations, group process) to hold and help them all with less impact to my essence. (now I am picturing the Dark Crystal and the little pod people having their sweet life forces sucked out and gobbled by the Skeksis. ) Things that ENERGIZES me, INSPIRES me, makes me LAUGH and SMILE and LOVE. That makes me GRATEFUL that I live in these challenging times, knowing that my JOYOUS contribution is an integral drop in the tsunami of positive evolution and healing.
I say today is a good day because not everyday has been lately. My life in so many aspects is ROCKIN, which makes my lows so much more depressing. I am supported and loved by partners, by community in most any endeavor I embark upon. And yet I feel like a deer in headlights, paralyzed, not knowing where to direct my energy in the moment. I have had a blueprint for so long, being mom, acing college, working in my field and blazing new paths there…those were things when they were things and they are no longer MY things, so now I have to find new things, new Muses to spark my lifeforce into action and creation. Otherwise I want to die. Without Muses, without purpose, I become a maimed and lifeless thing, and I do not believe in keeping maimed and lifeless things alive to suffer under some presupposition that life is superior to death. So I am seeking.
There are so many things that are important to me: breaking down bullshit gender norms; helping people (and I am a people too) open, heal and break through the definitions that keep them suffering independently, in relationships and as communities; healing through beauty, art and music. How do I create a life out of working in these areas, where my work is just my way of life, my breath, where I am moved and inspired and financially supported? Fuck. Help me. PLEASE. Better yet, Let’s work on it together, collaboration can be so much more powerful.
Miaya told me yesterday that she sees me as a bridge, a person who will not accept binaries, who refuses to live within them on the most foundational levels (gender, sexuality, relationship styles) and models this as a reality through the way that I move through the world. She shared that she is grateful for my bravery in the world for not simply accepting the rewards that come with passing as this way or that. Does she get that without direction I am sinking in the Swamp of Sadness NeverEnding Story style, and the deeper I sink the harder it is to see the hope to pull me out? And I am so fuckin privileged to have these troubles (in past my feet), and I hate the confines of my professional license and am scared to let go of it so I continue to work in ways that are not 100 percent in my integrity (sucked in to my knees) and people see and treat me like a woman and all that holds (in to my thighs), I hate people for acting like ridiculous douchebags, and I love them because I see their justifiable coping/protective mechanisms so clearly (crotch is submerged), and I can’t totally commit to ANYTHING (bellybutton filled with mud). Ugh.
Gonna change tactic. Ok so I am a bridge. Or even better, a bridge builder. A bridge OVER the Swamp of Sadness that I can stop making from my own body. I have been overwhelmed lately by so many people within my community sharing with me how profoundly affected and changed they are by my presence in their lives, and because of this, a desire to share in closer connection with me. I am SO HONORED, and I LOVE every aspect of any gift that I carry to assist, and I need to figure out how to create mechanisms bigger than myself ( a book, presentations, group process) to hold and help them all with less impact to my essence. (now I am picturing the Dark Crystal and the little pod people having their sweet life forces sucked out and gobbled by the Skeksis. ) Things that ENERGIZES me, INSPIRES me, makes me LAUGH and SMILE and LOVE. That makes me GRATEFUL that I live in these challenging times, knowing that my JOYOUS contribution is an integral drop in the tsunami of positive evolution and healing.
- Current Music:imagine dragons station
- Current Mood:
contemplative - Current Location:PC Market
We are defined by our beliefs.
Beliefs guide our choices, choices dictate our actions, and this creates our reality.
In every moment -
We choose the red or the blue pill.
Carrots or candy,
Engagement or disassociation,
To use our hands to touch or build walls – to heal or harm.
We choose presence or projection,
Movement or stagnancy.
Nourishment or starvation
Water or dehydration,
Grace or judgment,
Passion or passivity,
To be connected or to insist how “right” we are.
We choose to be receptive or impermeable,
Veiled or transparent.
We choose conviction or indecisiveness,
To be committed or reticent
To leap or be pushed.
The beliefs we develop and our ability to choose is directly affected by the way we take care of ourselves. When we fill our minds with other people’s ideas/opinions and do not take the time to develop our own, when we fill our bodies with unhealthy food, drink and “medications,” when we deprive our bodies, minds and spirits of the basic elements of health - our beliefs, choices and actions reflect imbalance. Our beliefs about ourselves and the world may become disempowering and cynical, choices may seem limited, and healthy action may seem beyond our personal capability. We then make a choice to correct the imbalance or allow habit and coping mechanisms to prevent us from reaching our highest potential, individually and collectively.
In every moment we are at choice. What reality do you choose?
Beliefs guide our choices, choices dictate our actions, and this creates our reality.
In every moment -
We choose the red or the blue pill.
Carrots or candy,
Engagement or disassociation,
To use our hands to touch or build walls – to heal or harm.
We choose presence or projection,
Movement or stagnancy.
Nourishment or starvation
Water or dehydration,
Grace or judgment,
Passion or passivity,
To be connected or to insist how “right” we are.
We choose to be receptive or impermeable,
Veiled or transparent.
We choose conviction or indecisiveness,
To be committed or reticent
To leap or be pushed.
The beliefs we develop and our ability to choose is directly affected by the way we take care of ourselves. When we fill our minds with other people’s ideas/opinions and do not take the time to develop our own, when we fill our bodies with unhealthy food, drink and “medications,” when we deprive our bodies, minds and spirits of the basic elements of health - our beliefs, choices and actions reflect imbalance. Our beliefs about ourselves and the world may become disempowering and cynical, choices may seem limited, and healthy action may seem beyond our personal capability. We then make a choice to correct the imbalance or allow habit and coping mechanisms to prevent us from reaching our highest potential, individually and collectively.
In every moment we are at choice. What reality do you choose?
“Don’t be afraid… Don’t be afraid… Don’t be afraid” my mind chants.However, as many of us know through learning about affirmations…the mind doesn’thear the “don’t” and instead is still afraid of fully moving forward in” toe stand.” Ah Toe Stand…the pose I fell out of, onto my all-too-eager metal water bottle, cracking my tail bone.
One of the very many profound gifts Bikram’s yoga gives me is practice in staying calm within the face of intense emotion. It helps merealize the intensity to which I react to any feeling is dictated by the way my mind engages with it, and this yoga is helping me train my mind to remain focused and objective. I learn that I can experience the depths of emotion without drowning in dramatic seas through keeping the energy of it moving,flowing through me freely, which all becomes easier the more I am cleansed b ymy practice. I am more readily able to avoid getting stuck on rocks of judgment,categorization..more able to navigate around getting sucked into the whirlpool-vortex of the mind.
“Get back on the horse”…. Nope. That thought didn’t work either. So I am not an enlightened Yogi yet and I am still too nervous to really get into toe stand. In Savasana, my mind starts chattering…”Well what is the worst thing that can happen? You break your knee, feel intense pain, get it fixed, and recover. You have done this before, and the pain fades over time.It iisn’t death.” This helps me feel a bit better….so many amazing folks that Iadmire risk far more than a broken knee for their healing…for their crafts. I can do this. The only thing that is going to keep me “safe” is to allow the fear to flow through and over time be released, committing 100 percent ofmyself to moving as deeply as I can every time to pushing the boundaries of my comfort…
Again…I am directed back to my mantras for 2010…Discipline,commitment, and intimacy.
One of the very many profound gifts Bikram’s yoga gives me is practice in staying calm within the face of intense emotion. It helps merealize the intensity to which I react to any feeling is dictated by the way my mind engages with it, and this yoga is helping me train my mind to remain focused and objective. I learn that I can experience the depths of emotion without drowning in dramatic seas through keeping the energy of it moving,flowing through me freely, which all becomes easier the more I am cleansed b ymy practice. I am more readily able to avoid getting stuck on rocks of judgment,categorization..more able to navigate around getting sucked into the whirlpool-vortex of the mind.
“Get back on the horse”…. Nope. That thought didn’t work either. So I am not an enlightened Yogi yet and I am still too nervous to really get into toe stand. In Savasana, my mind starts chattering…”Well what is the worst thing that can happen? You break your knee, feel intense pain, get it fixed, and recover. You have done this before, and the pain fades over time.It iisn’t death.” This helps me feel a bit better….so many amazing folks that Iadmire risk far more than a broken knee for their healing…for their crafts. I can do this. The only thing that is going to keep me “safe” is to allow the fear to flow through and over time be released, committing 100 percent ofmyself to moving as deeply as I can every time to pushing the boundaries of my comfort…
Again…I am directed back to my mantras for 2010…Discipline,commitment, and intimacy.
- Current Mood: contemplative
Once upon a time in the month of the Wolf Moon, a spirit embarked upon a solitary journey South. Open hearted, without pretense or expectation, she flowed freely wherever the current took her, knowing intuitively that she would be changed by the experience. Now, over distance and time, her heart still feels the magnetic pull of those guitars, surprise harmonies, Delta therapy, car croonings, uke cosummation, photgraphic vouyerism , two chord masterpeices and impromptu hot spring bravery. Her spirit swells and thirsts for more.
- Current Mood:inspired
The conscious mind has two primary states - it is either concentrated or it is distracted. It cannot be both simultaneously. Modern life creates distraction.and the capacity for extended concentration is reduced. Creative people, original thinkers, and yogis,must constantly sharpen the ability to concentrate single-pointedly.
Hatha Yoga teaches you to tyrannize your body and make it your slave, so your body does not tyrannize you and make you its slave
Am attending BIkram's hot yoga. I think it is probably the best thing I have ever done for myself. Picked up his book yesterday...fantastic. How could he know ME so personally? LOL...The class, and the book, are the perfect microcosmos for the macro of my life....it touches the mind traps I allow myself to get into...it challenges the ego....it challenges me to listen, follow every direction precisely as it happens -not before, not late - and let go of the mind chatter and anticipation. It challenges me to keep my eyes open, to study the "right" ways to enter the postures and come out, even if I cannot fully attain the posture yet...it keeps me present, mindful, focused. It shows me my negative habits and harmful-Western ways of thinking...and challenges me to take charge of my destiny, showing me that I have the power to, and if I do not, I have only myself to blame. I have the power to transcend the examples shown to me by many people in society and my family...and do something different. There is so much healing that happens in that hour and a half a day....and so much insight and progress that happens every day that I return.
Truly...there is nothing like this experience for me...I am excited to see how the progress affects my movement through the world, emotionally, physically and spiritually.
Truly...there is nothing like this experience for me...I am excited to see how the progress affects my movement through the world, emotionally, physically and spiritually.
- Current Mood:
calm
There are so many things to write about...cutting back hours for sanity, birthday cleanses, deepening of connection with friends...living for music and art's sake...transforming suffering...forgiveness...ownership...po
So much more to come...
So much more to come...
Fantastic recording/performing acoustic artists Coyote Grace will be in town Wednesday evening. Come support their tour...they are FANTASTIC folks and very talented musicians. Help us dispel the rumor that Eugenians don't turn out for good music! For a good time Come see:
COYOTE GRACE -- "Ear to the Ground Tour"
COYOTE GRACE -- "Ear to the Ground Tour"
| When: | Wednesday, September 02, 2009 |
| Venue: | Cozmic Pizza |
| Address: | 199 W. 8th Ave |
| City/State: | Eugene, OR |
| Time: | 9pm |
| Cost: | $5 |
| Opening Act: | Amber Darland |
Seriously, any suggestiosns that aren't "Portland?"
- Current Mood:
annoyed
Comments