Stark raving rants...

Back to LJ, the pendulum swings

2013-09-13T18:20:18Z

So far today is a “good” day. I am drinking a hazelnut milk latte to my melancholy fall Imagine Dragons-XX- The Neighbourhood-Black Keys-Jack White- Band of horses-Snow Patrol Pandora station on the second floor of the Market of Choice (yeah, I know). The windows are big, the sun is shining, life is bustling all around me. I can observe shoppers, lunch eaters, coffee drinkers unobserved from my birdseye view above them. No observer effect. Oh yeah, and I am writing. For myself. There’s that.
I say today is a good day because not everyday has been lately. My life in so many aspects is ROCKIN, which makes my lows so much more depressing. I am supported and loved by partners, by community in most any endeavor I embark upon. And yet I feel like a deer in headlights, paralyzed, not knowing where to direct my energy in the moment. I have had a blueprint for so long, being mom, acing college, working in my field and blazing new paths there…those were things when they were things and they are no longer MY things, so now I have to find new things, new Muses to spark my lifeforce into action and creation. Otherwise I want to die. Without Muses, without purpose, I become a maimed and lifeless thing, and I do not believe in keeping maimed and lifeless things alive to suffer under some presupposition that life is superior to death. So I am seeking.
There are so many things that are important to me: breaking down bullshit gender norms; helping people (and I am a people too) open, heal and break through the definitions that keep them suffering independently, in relationships and as communities; healing through beauty, art and music. How do I create a life out of working in these areas, where my work is just my way of life, my breath, where I am moved and inspired and financially supported? Fuck. Help me. PLEASE. Better yet, Let’s work on it together, collaboration can be so much more powerful.
Miaya told me yesterday that she sees me as a bridge, a person who will not accept binaries, who refuses to live within them on the most foundational levels (gender, sexuality, relationship styles) and models this as a reality through the way that I move through the world. She shared that she is grateful for my bravery in the world for not simply accepting the rewards that come with passing as this way or that. Does she get that without direction I am sinking in the Swamp of Sadness NeverEnding Story style, and the deeper I sink the harder it is to see the hope to pull me out? And I am so fuckin privileged to have these troubles (in past my feet), and I hate the confines of my professional license and am scared to let go of it so I continue to work in ways that are not 100 percent in my integrity (sucked in to my knees) and people see and treat me like a woman and all that holds (in to my thighs), I hate people for acting like ridiculous douchebags, and I love them because I see their justifiable coping/protective mechanisms so clearly (crotch is submerged), and I can’t totally commit to ANYTHING (bellybutton filled with mud). Ugh.
Gonna change tactic. Ok so I am a bridge. Or even better, a bridge builder. A bridge OVER the Swamp of Sadness that I can stop making from my own body. I have been overwhelmed lately by so many people within my community sharing with me how profoundly affected and changed they are by my presence in their lives, and because of this, a desire to share in closer connection with me. I am SO HONORED, and I LOVE every aspect of any gift that I carry to assist, and I need to figure out how to create mechanisms bigger than myself ( a book, presentations, group process) to hold and help them all with less impact to my essence. (now I am picturing the Dark Crystal and the little pod people having their sweet life forces sucked out and gobbled by the Skeksis. ) Things that ENERGIZES me, INSPIRES me, makes me LAUGH and SMILE and LOVE. That makes me GRATEFUL that I live in these challenging times, knowing that my JOYOUS contribution is an integral drop in the tsunami of positive evolution and healing.

We are at choice in every moment

2010-07-18T15:45:26Z

We are defined by our beliefs.
Beliefs guide our choices, choices dictate our actions, and this creates our reality.
In every moment -
We choose the red or the blue pill.
Carrots or candy,
Engagement or disassociation,
To use our hands to touch or build walls – to heal or harm.
We choose presence or projection,
Movement or stagnancy.
Nourishment or starvation
Water or dehydration,
Grace or judgment,
Passion or passivity,
To be connected or to insist how “right” we are.
We choose to be receptive or impermeable,
Veiled or transparent.
We choose conviction or indecisiveness,
To be committed or reticent
To leap or be pushed.
The beliefs we develop and our ability to choose is directly affected by the way we take care of ourselves. When we fill our minds with other people’s ideas/opinions and do not take the time to develop our own, when we fill our bodies with unhealthy food, drink and “medications,” when we deprive our bodies, minds and spirits of the basic elements of health - our beliefs, choices and actions reflect imbalance. Our beliefs about ourselves and the world may become disempowering and cynical, choices may seem limited, and healthy action may seem beyond our personal capability. We then make a choice to correct the imbalance or allow habit and coping mechanisms to prevent us from reaching our highest potential, individually and collectively.
In every moment we are at choice. What reality do you choose?

On Fear and Yoga

2010-03-18T06:49:49Z

“Don’t be afraid… Don’t be afraid… Don’t be afraid” my mind chants.However, as many of us know through learning about affirmations…the mind doesn’thear the “don’t” and instead is still afraid of fully moving forward in” toe stand.” Ah Toe Stand…the pose I fell out of, onto my all-too-eager metal water bottle, cracking my tail bone.

One of the very many profound gifts Bikram’s yoga gives me is practice in staying calm within the face of intense emotion. It helps merealize the intensity to which I react to any feeling is dictated by the way my mind engages with it, and this yoga is helping me train my mind to remain focused and objective. I learn that I can experience the depths of emotion without drowning in dramatic seas through keeping the energy of it moving,flowing through me freely, which all becomes easier the more I am cleansed b ymy practice. I am more readily able to avoid getting stuck on rocks of judgment,categorization..more able to navigate around getting sucked into the whirlpool-vortex of the mind.

“Get back on the horse”…. Nope. That thought didn’t work either. So I am not an enlightened Yogi yet and I am still too nervous to really get into toe stand. In Savasana, my mind starts chattering…”Well what is the worst thing that can happen? You break your knee, feel intense pain, get it fixed, and recover. You have done this before, and the pain fades over time.It iisn’t death.” This helps me feel a bit better….so many amazing folks that Iadmire risk far more than a broken knee for their healing…for their crafts. I can do this. The only thing that is going to keep me “safe” is to allow the fear to flow through and over time be released, committing 100 percent ofmyself to moving as deeply as I can every time to pushing the boundaries of my comfort…

Again…I am directed back to my mantras for 2010…Discipline,commitment, and intimacy.

Sacremento

2010-03-13T00:42:28Z

Once upon a time in the month of the Wolf Moon, a spirit embarked upon a solitary journey South. Open hearted, without pretense or expectation, she flowed freely wherever the current took her, knowing intuitively that she would be changed by the experience. Now, over distance and time, her heart still feels the magnetic pull of those guitars, surprise harmonies, Delta therapy, car croonings, uke cosummation, photgraphic vouyerism , two chord masterpeices and impromptu hot spring bravery. Her spirit swells and thirsts for more.

Enjoying my Discipline lately

2010-03-10T05:20:49Z

The conscious mind has two primary states - it is either concentrated or it is distracted. It cannot be both simultaneously. Modern life creates distraction.and the capacity for extended concentration is reduced. Creative people, original thinkers, and yogis,must constantly sharpen the ability to concentrate single-pointedly.

Thought of the day

2009-11-02T20:05:09Z

Hatha Yoga teaches you to tyrannize your body and make it your slave, so your body does not tyrannize you and make you its slave

Bikram's Yoga

2009-11-02T17:55:41Z

Am attending BIkram's hot yoga. I think it is probably the best thing I have ever done for myself. Picked up his book yesterday...fantastic. How could he know ME so personally? LOL...The class, and the book, are the perfect microcosmos for the macro of my life....it touches the mind traps I allow myself to get into...it challenges the ego....it challenges me to listen, follow every direction precisely as it happens -not before, not late - and let go of the mind chatter and anticipation. It challenges me to keep my eyes open, to study the "right" ways to enter the postures and come out, even if I cannot fully attain the posture yet...it keeps me present, mindful, focused. It shows me my negative habits and harmful-Western ways of thinking...and challenges me to take charge of my destiny, showing me that I have the power to, and if I do not, I have only myself to blame. I have the power to transcend the examples shown to me by many people in society and my family...and do something different. There is so much healing that happens in that hour and a half a day....and so much insight and progress that happens every day that I return.
Truly...there is nothing like this experience for me...I am excited to see how the progress affects my movement through the world, emotionally, physically and spiritually.

Briefy McBrieferstein

2009-10-19T18:46:17Z

There are so many things to write about...cutting back hours for sanity, birthday cleanses, deepening of connection with friends...living for music and art's sake...transforming suffering...forgiveness...ownership...positivity that ripples outward to create social change....creating progressive and fulfilling careers and working with community to do so...fingernails on my right hand...6"8" blessings to carry on the legacy, beautiful in his maturity...home and hearth....spiritual breakthroughs and releases...patience, faith belief, empowerment...and never letting the mind standing in the way of having a good time...

So much more to come...

Show Queer acoustic artists that they are supported in Eugene...

2009-09-01T03:27:18Z

Fantastic recording/performing acoustic artists Coyote Grace will be in town Wednesday evening. Come support their tour...they are FANTASTIC folks and very talented musicians. Help us dispel the rumor that Eugenians don't turn out for good music! For a good time Come see:

COYOTE GRACE -- "Ear to the Ground Tour"

When:	Wednesday, September 02, 2009
Venue:	Cozmic Pizza
Address:	199 W. 8th Ave
City/State:	Eugene, OR
Time:	9pm
Cost:	$5
Opening Act:	Amber Darland

Where to dance in eugene...

2009-08-22T00:09:46Z

Seriously, any suggestiosns that aren't "Portland?"

Oh yeah...

2009-08-20T19:24:37Z

Significant highlight totally forgot...Looking through my Gustav Klimt art book with my sweet love and introducing him to some of my fav artists... Sadly most people are introduced to him only through "The Kiss."

The Most beautiful thing i saw yesterday was...

2009-06-30T15:16:09Z

A HUGE lavender stand bustling with honey bees. Swoon. So peaceful, so productive, so sweet smelling.

Up too early...

2009-06-30T15:14:44Z

My body seems to not like me sleep past a time with a 7 in the front of it. I am not sure why this is, but it is frustrating when I get to bed late and this is still the case. It may be that my deeper self wants me to have some time alone, but I cannot say that this lack of sleep makes me a particularly happy camper.
Had a LOVELY walk and talk with miladycarol yesterday, enjoying the sun, the ripening fruit, the yards and the beautiful houses. I wish we could do that more often. I also had the pleasure of enjoying her yard. We set some intentions for next year's goals that we are going to work on together. I am very pleased.
Had my uke time with my uke master. That was very nice, and he brought me some black paper, right at the time I thought I was going to have to buy some, to begin manifesting the vision that milady and I were discussing. It could not have been more synchronistic or more touching.
Had dinner with my mom, at a rester aunt that closed and reopened and that I have not been to in 10 years. Govindas Vegetarian buffet. It made me really happy.
My love and I played a few uke songs, he ate the dinner i brought him, we Watered the garden and then we walked the neighborhoods here. It was very nice...I look forward to a rhythm very akin to this daily with him.

oblioness @ 2009-06-11T07:28:00

2009-06-11T14:30:16Z

Remember....Sewing patches party Sunday, Potluck from 10 am til 6. Excellent cause and beautiful fun people...!

Party!

2009-06-07T17:07:55Z

Ok everyone ! The Moonlodge sewing party is at my house, an all-day event, Sunday June 14, 10 am on. It is a potluck! If you have a machine you can bring tell me! there will be food, fantastic people, and you will be part of something that means the world to a whole lot of women (including ME) If you rsvp I will send you the location!

Into the WIld...OK..well...not exactly...

2009-05-26T06:56:43Z

My heart aches for the road...
I have finally manifested balance of home in my life..
and i long for the present-mindedness of travel...
of being free from past and future tripping...
I long for the diversity of experience...of trusting that the Universe provides when you surrender and trust...
of meeting new people. even for just a moment, and adding a splash of color to their experience. another small but powerful brush stroke...
and...to be similarly stroked ;)
To experience first hand the beauty of people living their lives and loving, in different ways...in different places...
To be inspired, to inspire, to be a voyeur and an exhibitionist.
I have always dreamed of going across the country on bike. This will be my gift to myself when my son graduates...me, my ukulele and whomever chooses to flow along for legs of the trip...
It is never too far ahead to start planning....
I am taking the Northern route...from Astoria Oregon to Portsmouth NH and down to my hometown of Groveland...more details to come.

Right now

2009-05-25T09:27:37Z

The wind catches fallen petals and sets them swirling -dizzy.
And me,
like these petals,
Compelled into movement by the momentum of earth-turning, star-burning, light in the sky..
     Stirred,
          by people and their choices -
               channeling spirit through their voices,
crying freedom in a choir of cracked lips and moist eyes...
And me,
like this wind,
guiding the course of countless sails...
     an improvisational dance of interpersonal aerodynamics,
          transitioning between falling and flying , an interplay with the Unseen.

Deep breath in and out...

2009-05-24T08:02:15Z

After a long day of being creative and being in service...there is nothing like a long shower with handmade products, followed by some nerding out on the interwebz with a handmade ukulele, all set to the metronome of his rhythmic recovery breathing.

So much beauty

2009-05-22T07:15:51Z

Big beautiful mostly planted gardens...

Hand-picked bouquets from the yard...

Beautiful musical instruments...

A beautiful community of musicians to play with...

Hanging out with dancing friends that laugh and laugh...

The night before top surgery bonding...

Transitions...

Family.....

Sophie the stormtrooper...

Time off....

If you are reading this...

2009-05-16T02:42:15Z

Stop right now! Find this on the internet (or my MySpace profile page) and LISTEN to Dive by Andrea Gibson.Then, read it below. There are no words anyone has spoken that can think of that describes the duality of this world as I feel it as well as she does with this piece.

i often repeat myself
and the second time's a lie

i love you
i love you
see what i mean i don't
...and i do

and i'm not talking about a girl i might be kissing on
i'm talking about this world i'm blissing on
and hating
at the exact same time
see life---doesn't rhyme

it's bullets...and wind chimes
it's lynchings...and birthday parties
it's the rope that ties the noose
and the rope that hangs the backyard swing
it's a boy about to take his life
and with the knife to his wrist
he's thinking of only two things
his father's fist
and his mother's kiss
and he can't stop crying

it's wanting tonight to speak
the most honest poem i've ever spoken in my life
not knowing if that poem should bring you closer
to living or dying
drowning of flying
cause life doesn't rhyme

last night i prayed myself to sleep
woke this morning
to find god's obituary scrolled in tears on my sheets
then walked outside to hear my neighbor
erasing ten thousand years of hard labor
with a single note of his violin
and the sound of the traffic rang like a hymn
as the holiest leaf of autumn fell from a plastic tree limb
beautiful ---and ugly

like right now
i'm needing nothing more than for you to hug me
and if you do
i'm gonna scream like a caged bird
see...life doesn't rhyme

sometimes love is a vulgar word
sometimes hate calls itself peace on the nightly news
i've heard saints preaching truths
that would have burned me at the stake
i've heard poets tellin lies that made me believe in heaven

sometimes i imagine hitler at seven years old
a paint brush in his hand at school
thinkin what color should i paint my soul

sometimes i remember myself
with track marks on my tongue
from shooting up convictions
that would have hung innocent men from trees
have you ever seen a mother falling to her knees
the day her son dies in a war she voted for

can you imagine how many gay teen-age lives were saved
the day matthew shepherd died

could there have been anything louder
than the noise inside his father's head
when he begged the jury
please don't take the lives of the men
who turned my son's skull to powder
and i know nothing would make my family prouder
than giving up everything i believe in
still nothing keeps me believing
like the sound of my mother breathing

life doesn't rhyme

it's tasting your rapist's breath
on the neck of a woman who loves you more
than anyone has loved you before
then feeling holy as jesus
beneath the hands of a one night stand
who's calling somebody else's name

it's you never feelin more greedy
than when you're handing out dollars to the needy
it's my not eating meat for the last seven years
then seeing the kindest eyes i've ever seen in my life
on the face of a man with a branding iron in his hand
and a beat down baby calf wailing at his feet

it's choking on your beliefs
it's your worst sin saving your fucking life
it's the devil's knife carving holes into you soul
so angels will have a place to make their way inside

life doesn't rhyme

still life is poetry --- not math
all the world's a stage
but the stage is a meditation mat

you tilt your head back

you breathe
when your heart is broken you plant seeds in the cracks
and you pray for rain

and you teach your sons and daughters
there are sharks in the water

but the only way to survive
is to breathe deep

and dive

Beltane

2009-04-29T00:14:04Z

So am the High-Priestess of Beltane this year, and I jsut purchased a bottle of wine called, simply, "Oblio." Now I shall be drinken for ritual..the participants will "get intoxicated by Oblio." How cool is THAT?

This makes up for every pencil, toothbrush and fake license plate that did not have one for me as a child!

Patio furnishings

2009-04-19T00:45:38Z

Does anyone have any patio furnishings (table/chairs or a picnic bench) they don't want anymore?

oblioness @ 2009-04-16T23:38:00

2009-04-17T06:39:52Z

I am trying to determine whether the message is to put on a poker face and lay prostrate to the bureaucracy, or if I am supposed to find a path that gets me out of the bureaucratic line of fire.

Spiritual filter

2009-04-12T23:33:16Z

I am starting a blog that follows my spiritual "homework" from my class for my own benefit. If anyone wants to be filtered in. let me know.

quick updater

2009-04-10T20:37:52Z

Woke up the other morning before a spring-time honoring ceremony my friend had, with only one thought in my mind- take July off. All of it if possible...I talked to my supervisor today..it is my belief it will happen.
(updste) Well it may happen differently then I anticipated. They are proposing cutting gambling treatment for the state of Oregon completely. I do not believe this will happen, but there sre likely going to be significant cut-backs. My first fear is for the clients. I do not fear losing my job, I will work it out. My second fear is that I will have a job, more work and less money. I will not stay if that is the case. We shall see how it all goes.

Saw Uke virtuoso Jake Shimabukuro. Sweet humble Master of his craft. Such a treat. I am sitting here wearing a shirt that says "peace, love, ukulele, Jake Shimabukuro. Wow...i really AM a hippie!

Today is Ian's birthday. The big 15. He could have a driver's permit (NOT!). Wow. Again. Wow. Must be doing SOMETHING right, he made it this long, and to a whopping 6"6"

Saw Wicked last weekend. Amazing. The set effects were to die for. The actors had incredible presence and were mesmerizing, Cass was fantastic company, and the fountain across the street from the venue was stunning.

At the end of the month I have to trade in my car (dont want to talk about it) So yay and boo..