notashamed

( 20 yearsCollapse )

Exactly a year ago today, I was walking my two dogs around the neighborhood and I had an idea. “What if I found a good thing out of every day… and what if I TOLD people about it?” I think it blossomed from the fact that I was proud of myself for taking that walk to begin with. By the end of the walk, I had decided that I would come up with a victory for the previous day and post it on Facebook.

I chose Facebook because I have the most friends there — which means it was the hardest to share. On Twitter, I don’t post regularly so I don’t really have an audience. Instagram is my favorite site, but I didn’t want to turn it into a photo project. Nope, it had to be Facebook. Because one of the things I hate about Facebook is how everyone knows your stuff. One post seen by one acquaintance and shared to others beyond your control.

My usual protection plan for these things is to limit my friends list. It’s only people I’ll actually talk to when I see them. That way I don’t have to be cautious about what I’m saying. These are people who know me and can handle my rants about bumper stickers and squeeling about Lady Gaga.

My choice to post on Facebook was a way for me to turn my dislike of Everyone Knows Your Stuff on its head. I have a tendency to isolate and hold stuff in, now I was choosing to tell people about my shit. Because let’s be honest, friends. Some of these victories are crap.

Ok, ok, they are are VICTORIES, so yes in that way, they are positive aka good. There were three days where I just couldn’t for the life of me find a victory and there’s one day where I forgot to post anything. But that’s 361 victories, which is 98.9%,which is an A, so I’m not about to go back to the teacher and ask for more work to make it higher… ANYWAY.

If we run those crap goals through a translator:
Took A Shower = convinced myself to bathe only to lay down and rest for 15 minutes afterward
Got Dressed = changed from one pair of sweat pants to a different pair
Stayed Hydrated = spent all day (and two previous days) on the couch watching GBBS and crying and craving fried foods and ice cream and getting mad at the dogs because they’re restless Hey Guess What Dogs So Am I You Think I WANT To Do This Please Stop Staring At Me Now You Are Making Me Cry

Those days didn’t usually feel like a victory as I was posting it. But the weeks and months passed, and something shifted in my perspective. The small steps felt more important and easier to recognize. I wasn’t actively looking back on the year but when you have to write it down, your brain remembers more.

And here’s what I learned:

It hurts less. I’ve been in therapy for 18 years, I have a bachelor in psychology and a masters degree in counseling. And it still took the act of actually DOING the sharing for me to really believe this one. When I talked about the shit, people reached out. Encouraged me, shared their similar stories, or simply said “I see you,” acknowledging that my pain is real, who I am is real and seen and not invisible.

Your people/tribe/squad/Quidditch Team show up. If you give people a chance, they show up. Robby was on vacation for 12 days and I was running solo and scared about it. Y’all showed the hell up. Even if all you did was comment and say “you can do it,” I Felt It. It was there, in all of its internetty permanence to remind me that you care about me. The voice that likes to remind me that no one cares got a big punch to the throat.

Your people/tribe/squad/Quidditch Team may not be the ones you expect. This is the toughest lesson. There are people I expected to be on my Team. But an honest look back shows that they didn’t show up to tryouts. Sure, they might be in the same House as you, but they aren’t teammates. This will hurt. A lot. Accepting this truth brings freedom and an actual physical lightness in your chest.

Honesty works. Telling someone that they hurt your feelings or overstepped a boundary is hard. I practiced doing that with my friends this year (how do you stop a behavior if you don’t know a behavior is hurting?). It feels really good. At least it does after. During it you sometimes wanna throw up, but run with it. Friendships become better and stronger.

I am loved. Every like, every comment. It’s proof that I’m seen, that people are cheering me on. Even if all I did was put on new sweatpants.

01- New couch purchased
02- Katie & Jen aka Flanny-girls
03- Christmas shopping with Momma
04- Helped a stranger
05- Walked the girls
06- Dinner with Jen
07- Made bars AND went to a party
08- Spoke up when my mind was wheeling & repeating and hey guess what I felt better. Also DUCK DONUTS and Flanagans
09- Shopping spree - only one gift left to find
10- Celebrating Lewis at FMSC. I wish you were here, buddy.
11- Muppet Christmas Carol
12- Caribou & Marshalls & Famous Footwear & Michael’s & Leeann Chins & Target with my Katie O!
13- Robby is DONE with grad school. ( His victory truly, but the entire household celebrates)
14- This moment captured here (pic to come) is brought to you by: Duck Donuts closing at SEVEN PEE EMM on A FRIDAY and we missed it by TEN MINUTES because I didn’t check because SERIOUSLY?! SEVEN??!? Ok fine we’ll go to Coldstone
15- went to therapy and walked the girls
16- Ethan time at Keg & Case
17- A friend who understands when I have to cancel
18- Presents shipped
19- Cookie party with Mom and Katie
20- Friends who bring peace and love. And friends who make my HAIR PURDY
21- Lunch with my Katie, party with chicken fingers and friends
22- Family Christmas: 4 of us on the couch watching Poirot
23- Brainerd arrival
24- Family, family*, love, laughing. And Christmas bread.
25- Pajamas and games and food and movie
26- Uneventful drive home
27- Honesty with a friend and CACKLING with my brother
28- Into the Spider-Verse with Robby (it’s REALLY good)
29- Lots of cross stitch
30- Time with Robby
31- Finding a victory in 361 of the last 365 days

01 - Pool time relaxation
02 - Time with Mom & Dad
03 - Home to my family
04 - Sleep you can only get in your own bed, bookended by your 2 dogs, listening to your husband snore
05 - Headache broke after dinner
06 - I voted!
07 - Halloween decorations packed
08 - I can't find one. It's been a tough week
09 - Friends, dinner & Won't You Be My Neighbor
10 - FaceTime with Katie
11 - 10th anniversary vacation plans
12 - Katie Flanagan and how she makes us cookies
13 - Showered, walked the girls AND emptied the dishwasher whaaaaat
14 - Coffee with Meghan
15 - Two walks
16 - Still got stuff done during migraine. Just different stuff then I planned.
17 - Target run with Robby
18 - Robby's bday dinner at In Bloom
19 - Instagram + Meghan + me = so much joy
20 - Celebrating 🎉 a birthday 🎁 🍰 for my wonderful Robby
21 - Day-Before-Thanksgiving-Grocery run in 15 minutes
22- Family time in Grafton
23 - Grandma Lucy time
24 - Safe drive home, even if it was a day early
25 - Starting out this Costco membership in the way my dad taught me
26 - Remembered to put chicken awesome in the crockpot
27 - February ticket to Florida (see also: DKIT moving back to town!)
28 - Walked the girls before snow
29 - Left the house!
30 - Minnehaha tour, lunch with family, ramen & Clue with friends

01 - idk I'm sick
02 - Made dinner
03 - New hair color thanks to Andria
04 - Walked the girls
05 - haircut (but no sunshine to showcase the colors, so Target's lighting will have to do
06 -15 day Duolingo stread
07 - Date night in with Robby
08 - Starting an ER rewatch
09 - Big laughs watching Life Of the Party with Mom
10 - Staying hydrated
11 - Asked for help. Got help AND a donut! 😁
12 - Had enough energy to shower
13 - Outdoor 🎃 🧛🏻‍♀️🧟‍♀️🎃 decorations up
14 - Supporting friends in their stories
15 - Ran errands, walked the girls & made dinner
16 - Made dinner again
17 - Survived the Christian Living section at B&N
18 - Meds worked
19 - Chris Baker!; Family time at Keg & Case
20 - Time with friends and family
21 - Turning off the TV
22 - Stuck to self-imposed 2 episode limit on Daredevil
23 - Started new cross stitch pattern
24 - Xanax and weighted blanket
25 - Medication
26 - Jed hang outs
27 - Accepted help when it was needed, therapy was helpful, potato sausage for dinner
28 - Impromptu dinner with Anderson boys
29 - Airport in time despite Lyft issues, easy flight to RSW
30 - Work, rest outside, Tijuana Flat, Handel's
31 - la playa at La Playa

01 - Family trip to Dairy Queen
02 - Fourth version of Harry Potter acquired
03 - Lucé and Sephora with Momma
04 - Errands completed before migraine
05 - Cross-stitching outside
06 - Walked the girls
07- Physical Therapy graduation 🎓
08 - Luna didn't break or tear anything, just a bruise
09 - Hosted Second Sunday
10 - Remembered to meditate
11 - Glorious T2 4K restoration with Joy & Robby
12 - Reading in the hammock for two hours
13 -
14 - Got dressed
15 - Minimal anxiety before appointment with my new therapist
16 - Brooklyn 99 with Robby
17 - Remembered to turn off the TV
18 - Didn't let a bad headache keep me completely couch bound
19 - Let Robby take care of me
20 - Left the house! 💃
21 - Two doggo walks
22 - Cackling at Real Genius with good friends
23 - Renaissance Fair
24 - Took the girls for a walk
25 - Stayed home when I needed to
26 - Progress in the daily stretches: I can touch my fingers behind my back!
27 - Shoshana Bean live 🙌
28 - Friends here. And pizza.
29 - Not over doing it
30 - Social media break

01 - Lunch with Marlene
02 - Brooklyn 99 with Robby
03 - A husband who goes on a Blizzard run
04 - Able to stand up and help make dinner
05 - I left the house y'all! Twins game with Papa, Robby & Jed
06 - Dinner with Lisa
07 - 5 minutes on the elliptical AND I finished the laundry whaaaaat
08 - Resistance band, suckas! 💪
09 - Feeling confident
10 - Perservered
11 - Irish Fair!
12 - Made it to Second Sunday Brunch
13 - Two walks
14 - Fury Road with Rita
15 - Listening to my body & staying home, even if it did mean canceling plans
16 - Twelve glorious hours of sleep
17 - The Calm Feeling that descends quickly when arriving in Brainerd
18 - Boat Dogs: Luna & Clompy
19 - Nisswa with Momma
20 - Time with Robby
21 - Easiest possible drive to Rochester
22 - Fibromyalgia
23 - Home
24 - Day 1 of new treatment plan
25 - Fun at Traband's party
26 - Started putting together a schedule
27 - Pushed through fatigue and got stuff done
28 - Screamed, cried, screamed again, got up and did stuff
29 - Took myself out to lunch
30 - Twenty minute walk
31 - Dinner with mother & sister (and the slowest s'mores that have ever s'mored)