she who dares: wins

June 2022, part one

notashamed — Thu, 23 Jun 2022 20:59:15 GMT

I decided that scrolling through a whole month of images was too much at one time, so I'm going to post each month in two parts from here on out. And somehow we're already halfway through June? idk.

June 1 — braid + sunglasses = nope

June 2 — Clementine loves to shuffle around on things in our backyard or on walks and 8 years after adopting her, I finally got a perfect picture of one of them. She snorts and sneezes through them and gosh she's cute.

June 3 — Luna's favorite activity is licking people's faces

June 4 — Before and After! I love the new red. (Valentine from Lime Crime)

June 5 — We have been talking about it for years but this summer we finally started a native plants and grasses garden in the back yard. We had a HUGE amount of prep and wedding to do and this crew came over to get us started. It ended up being... fun? And we got the whole thing weeded that day? It was incredible. I'm so thankful to these people and all the help they gave.

June 6 — and speaking of help, here's Meghan with Clementine and Stella (trust me.) The Andersons are gonna help us out by watching Clemmy (again) after Luna's leg surgery in a couple weeks.

June 7 — We borrowed my dad's truck and filled that thing UP with honeysuckles and hyssops and dogwood and and and

June 8 — HEARTSTOPPER IS THE CUTEST DAMB THING EVER

June 9 — Luna supervising while we planted

June 10 — Final rabies shot!

June 11 —

June 12 — MN Aurora game (USL-W league)

June 13 — All the plants are in!

June 14 — I'm just curious if *I* can pee here

June 15 — Robby was out with friends and someone didn't want to get in bed without him.

May 2022

notashamed — Mon, 20 Jun 2022 20:41:35 GMT

I decided to do another one of those 1 photo a day thingies that I've done in the past. And I decided to start it in May because I'm just WACKY. I post about 5 at a time on Insta but I'm going to do one month at a time over here.

(i'm gonna try and get these under a cut but... i don't know how to do it in this new posting method so here's hoping. I DID IT I'M A GENIUS)

May 1 — after five tests and five days of Robby isolating, I finally got a positive result

May 02 — and thanks to anxiety and depression, i qualified for the big ol' horse pills that leave an A W F U L taste in your mouth.

May 03 — It was finally warm enough to sit outside! So we were! And I tried to get the 3 of us in one photo!

May 04 — Luna in her favorite spot for sun-dogging

May 05 — Bedtime with Clompy

May 06 — Lauren and I have matching lippies!

May 07 — Trust me, in this photo is a perfectly placed slice of french bread

May 08 — Occasionally living in the same district where you teach is not the greatest. And occasionally Mr Barry gets maaaaaad.

May 09 — Beginning Batman Bpuzzle

May 11 — Tornado sirens = basement party

May 12 — I've been meaning to make a sign like this for years

May 13 — New hammock is here

May 14 — Annual trip to the VIC plant sale

May 15 — Delayed Mom's day celebration out at Holman's Field

May 16 — it is finished

May 17 — Luna <3

May 18 — our cherry tree has blossoms every spring and I always forget about it

May 19 — Robby's friend got this for him when they were in Scotland and 'u'

May 20 — Clompy plopped down on both of my feet, making it impossible to reach my glasses which hampered by ability to cross-stitch

May 21 — Jelicia bought a house! And we hung out with them!

May 22 — ANXIETY SUCKS BIG ONES

May 23 — Whee! Antibiotics and a tetanus update!

May 24 — I highly recommend this book. Or at least the first 98% of it.

May 25 — I love my bright yellow rain boots but would it please stop being so gross and cold?

May 26 — Pink band-aid for my pink rabies shot

May 27 — wook at dis sweet widdle fawn in my backyard

May 27 — YES HELLO I'VE HAD MY PUPILS DIALATED

May 28 — Lunch at Cafe Craving with Mom & Dad

May 29 — Potato chip taste test

May 30 — We bought this game as an anniversary present back in March and finally got around to playing

May 31 — Just a wee lay downs by the patio door

Technically, 20 years and like 4 days

notashamed — Tue, 15 Feb 2022 20:52:04 GMT

It's so strange to think it was 20 years ago, I was house/cat sitting for some friends, trying to avoid homework for grad school, and I somehow found this place? I have a vague memory that it was in an effort to stay connected to Adria which makes me laugh in hindsight because it sure did a good job of keeping me connected to all the Arizona drama, that's for sure.

why can't i figure out how to get back to the old post style? am i old now? did that just happen?

Anyway, happy anniversary to me. Give it another year or so and it'll be 20 year friend-aversaries with Kerry and Matt.

am i going to post here again ::looks into camera::

notashamed — Sun, 10 Oct 2021 19:19:42 GMT

20 Years Ago, I...
...was working at my first full time job: a receptionist at a media office that worked exclusively with American Express. It was the first fall that I wasn't going to school (having graduated from college in the spring) which was one of the reasons I started therapy.

15 years ago, I...
...was working as a receptionist in the sales office of a condominium. I was reeling from a break-up and living at the Townie with MK.

10 years ago, I...
...was working as the Office Manager at Seward Community Support Program. I had been married to Robby for 2 years. I was on the referee crew for MN Roller Derby and still loved it.

5 years ago, I...
...had stopped working due to chronic migraines, not to mention the way it aggravated my anxiety and depression. We had moved out of the Townie & over to a house in Maplewood which still doesn't have a good name. We had adopted Clementine and Luna.

2 years ago, I...
...was two years in to the 5-ish year plan for fibromyalgia treatment.

1 year ago, I ...
...was surviving a pandemic with the rest of the world. Was in the habit of taking 2 daily walks as a family due to physical therapy plan after Luna's ACL surgery.

So far this year, I've...
...considered getting job or somewhat regular volunteer placement. Been vaccinated for COVID. Traded in the CRV for a Santa Fe.

Yesterday I...
...met Dave, Karin & Thor for Karin's birthday lunch at Heather's. Spent the day not doing much else due to a headache and very VERY persistent nausea. Finished Midnight Mass (which was quite disappointing, but the rest of the series is good). Gave Thor a cross-stitched Minecraft bee that he had requested for his girlfriend.

Today I...
...am gonna see Addam's Family (the good one with Angelica Houston) at Alamo. Packed up a bunch of summer clothes. Am gonna have homemade ramen for dinner. Will work on this big ass dinosaur cross stitch for Robby's classroom.

Tomorrow I'll..
...go to therapy in the afternoon. See The Thing at Alamo in the evening. Work on big ass dinosaur cross stitch for Robby's classroom.

I found a victory for every day in 2018. This is what I learned.

notashamed — Wed, 02 Jan 2019 18:01:26 GMT

Exactly a year ago today, I was walking my two dogs around the neighborhood and I had an idea. “What if I found a good thing out of every day… and what if I TOLD people about it?” I think it blossomed from the fact that I was proud of myself for taking that walk to begin with. By the end of the walk, I had decided that I would come up with a victory for the previous day and post it on Facebook.

I chose Facebook because I have the most friends there — which means it was the hardest to share. On Twitter, I don’t post regularly so I don’t really have an audience. Instagram is my favorite site, but I didn’t want to turn it into a photo project. Nope, it had to be Facebook. Because one of the things I hate about Facebook is how everyone knows your stuff. One post seen by one acquaintance and shared to others beyond your control.

My usual protection plan for these things is to limit my friends list. It’s only people I’ll actually talk to when I see them. That way I don’t have to be cautious about what I’m saying. These are people who know me and can handle my rants about bumper stickers and squeeling about Lady Gaga.

My choice to post on Facebook was a way for me to turn my dislike of Everyone Knows Your Stuff on its head. I have a tendency to isolate and hold stuff in, now I was choosing to tell people about my shit. Because let’s be honest, friends. Some of these victories are crap.

Ok, ok, they are are VICTORIES, so yes in that way, they are positive aka good. There were three days where I just couldn’t for the life of me find a victory and there’s one day where I forgot to post anything. But that’s 361 victories, which is 98.9%,which is an A, so I’m not about to go back to the teacher and ask for more work to make it higher… ANYWAY.

If we run those crap goals through a translator:
Took A Shower = convinced myself to bathe only to lay down and rest for 15 minutes afterward
Got Dressed = changed from one pair of sweat pants to a different pair
Stayed Hydrated = spent all day (and two previous days) on the couch watching GBBS and crying and craving fried foods and ice cream and getting mad at the dogs because they’re restless Hey Guess What Dogs So Am I You Think I WANT To Do This Please Stop Staring At Me Now You Are Making Me Cry

Those days didn’t usually feel like a victory as I was posting it. But the weeks and months passed, and something shifted in my perspective. The small steps felt more important and easier to recognize. I wasn’t actively looking back on the year but when you have to write it down, your brain remembers more.

And here’s what I learned:

It hurts less. I’ve been in therapy for 18 years, I have a bachelor in psychology and a masters degree in counseling. And it still took the act of actually DOING the sharing for me to really believe this one. When I talked about the shit, people reached out. Encouraged me, shared their similar stories, or simply said “I see you,” acknowledging that my pain is real, who I am is real and seen and not invisible.

Your people/tribe/squad/Quidditch Team show up. If you give people a chance, they show up. Robby was on vacation for 12 days and I was running solo and scared about it. Y’all showed the hell up. Even if all you did was comment and say “you can do it,” I Felt It. It was there, in all of its internetty permanence to remind me that you care about me. The voice that likes to remind me that no one cares got a big punch to the throat.

Your people/tribe/squad/Quidditch Team may not be the ones you expect. This is the toughest lesson. There are people I expected to be on my Team. But an honest look back shows that they didn’t show up to tryouts. Sure, they might be in the same House as you, but they aren’t teammates. This will hurt. A lot. Accepting this truth brings freedom and an actual physical lightness in your chest.

Honesty works. Telling someone that they hurt your feelings or overstepped a boundary is hard. I practiced doing that with my friends this year (how do you stop a behavior if you don’t know a behavior is hurting?). It feels really good. At least it does after. During it you sometimes wanna throw up, but run with it. Friendships become better and stronger.

I am loved. Every like, every comment. It’s proof that I’m seen, that people are cheering me on. Even if all I did was put on new sweatpants.

December Victories

notashamed — Wed, 02 Jan 2019 17:43:54 GMT

01- New couch purchased
02- Katie & Jen aka Flanny-girls
03- Christmas shopping with Momma
04- Helped a stranger
05- Walked the girls
06- Dinner with Jen
07- Made bars AND went to a party
08- Spoke up when my mind was wheeling & repeating and hey guess what I felt better. Also DUCK DONUTS and Flanagans
09- Shopping spree - only one gift left to find
10- Celebrating Lewis at FMSC. I wish you were here, buddy.
11- Muppet Christmas Carol
12- Caribou & Marshalls & Famous Footwear & Michael’s & Leeann Chins & Target with my Katie O!
13- Robby is DONE with grad school. ( His victory truly, but the entire household celebrates)
14- This moment captured here (pic to come) is brought to you by: Duck Donuts closing at SEVEN PEE EMM on A FRIDAY and we missed it by TEN MINUTES because I didn’t check because SERIOUSLY?! SEVEN??!? Ok fine we’ll go to Coldstone
15- went to therapy and walked the girls
16- Ethan time at Keg & Case
17- A friend who understands when I have to cancel
18- Presents shipped
19- Cookie party with Mom and Katie
20- Friends who bring peace and love. And friends who make my HAIR PURDY
21- Lunch with my Katie, party with chicken fingers and friends
22- Family Christmas: 4 of us on the couch watching Poirot
23- Brainerd arrival
24- Family, family*, love, laughing. And Christmas bread.
25- Pajamas and games and food and movie
26- Uneventful drive home
27- Honesty with a friend and CACKLING with my brother
28- Into the Spider-Verse with Robby (it’s REALLY good)
29- Lots of cross stitch
30- Time with Robby
31- Finding a victory in 361 of the last 365 days

November Victories

notashamed — Tue, 18 Dec 2018 22:19:50 GMT

01 - Pool time relaxation
02 - Time with Mom & Dad
03 - Home to my family
04 - Sleep you can only get in your own bed, bookended by your 2 dogs, listening to your husband snore
05 - Headache broke after dinner
06 - I voted!
07 - Halloween decorations packed
08 - I can't find one. It's been a tough week
09 - Friends, dinner & Won't You Be My Neighbor
10 - FaceTime with Katie
11 - 10th anniversary vacation plans
12 - Katie Flanagan and how she makes us cookies
13 - Showered, walked the girls AND emptied the dishwasher whaaaaat
14 - Coffee with Meghan
15 - Two walks
16 - Still got stuff done during migraine. Just different stuff then I planned.
17 - Target run with Robby
18 - Robby's bday dinner at In Bloom
19 - Instagram + Meghan + me = so much joy
20 - Celebrating 🎉 a birthday 🎁 🍰 for my wonderful Robby
21 - Day-Before-Thanksgiving-Grocery run in 15 minutes
22- Family time in Grafton
23 - Grandma Lucy time
24 - Safe drive home, even if it was a day early
25 - Starting out this Costco membership in the way my dad taught me
26 - Remembered to put chicken awesome in the crockpot
27 - February ticket to Florida (see also: DKIT moving back to town!)
28 - Walked the girls before snow
29 - Left the house!
30 - Minnehaha tour, lunch with family, ramen & Clue with friends

October Victories

notashamed — Tue, 18 Dec 2018 22:09:45 GMT

01 - idk I'm sick
02 - Made dinner
03 - New hair color thanks to Andria
04 - Walked the girls
05 - haircut (but no sunshine to showcase the colors, so Target's lighting will have to do
06 -15 day Duolingo stread
07 - Date night in with Robby
08 - Starting an ER rewatch
09 - Big laughs watching Life Of the Party with Mom
10 - Staying hydrated
11 - Asked for help. Got help AND a donut! 😁
12 - Had enough energy to shower
13 - Outdoor 🎃 🧛🏻‍♀️🧟‍♀️🎃 decorations up
14 - Supporting friends in their stories
15 - Ran errands, walked the girls & made dinner
16 - Made dinner again
17 - Survived the Christian Living section at B&N
18 - Meds worked
19 - Chris Baker!; Family time at Keg & Case
20 - Time with friends and family
21 - Turning off the TV
22 - Stuck to self-imposed 2 episode limit on Daredevil
23 - Started new cross stitch pattern
24 - Xanax and weighted blanket
25 - Medication
26 - Jed hang outs
27 - Accepted help when it was needed, therapy was helpful, potato sausage for dinner
28 - Impromptu dinner with Anderson boys
29 - Airport in time despite Lyft issues, easy flight to RSW
30 - Work, rest outside, Tijuana Flat, Handel's
31 - la playa at La Playa

September Victories

notashamed — Tue, 18 Dec 2018 22:00:25 GMT

01 - Family trip to Dairy Queen
02 - Fourth version of Harry Potter acquired
03 - Lucé and Sephora with Momma
04 - Errands completed before migraine
05 - Cross-stitching outside
06 - Walked the girls
07- Physical Therapy graduation 🎓
08 - Luna didn't break or tear anything, just a bruise
09 - Hosted Second Sunday
10 - Remembered to meditate
11 - Glorious T2 4K restoration with Joy & Robby
12 - Reading in the hammock for two hours
13 -
14 - Got dressed
15 - Minimal anxiety before appointment with my new therapist
16 - Brooklyn 99 with Robby
17 - Remembered to turn off the TV
18 - Didn't let a bad headache keep me completely couch bound
19 - Let Robby take care of me
20 - Left the house! 💃
21 - Two doggo walks
22 - Cackling at Real Genius with good friends
23 - Renaissance Fair
24 - Took the girls for a walk
25 - Stayed home when I needed to
26 - Progress in the daily stretches: I can touch my fingers behind my back!
27 - Shoshana Bean live 🙌
28 - Friends here. And pizza.
29 - Not over doing it
30 - Social media break

August Victories

notashamed — Tue, 18 Dec 2018 21:44:58 GMT

01 - Lunch with Marlene
02 - Brooklyn 99 with Robby
03 - A husband who goes on a Blizzard run
04 - Able to stand up and help make dinner
05 - I left the house y'all! Twins game with Papa, Robby & Jed
06 - Dinner with Lisa
07 - 5 minutes on the elliptical AND I finished the laundry whaaaaat
08 - Resistance band, suckas! 💪
09 - Feeling confident
10 - Perservered
11 - Irish Fair!
12 - Made it to Second Sunday Brunch
13 - Two walks
14 - Fury Road with Rita
15 - Listening to my body & staying home, even if it did mean canceling plans
16 - Twelve glorious hours of sleep
17 - The Calm Feeling that descends quickly when arriving in Brainerd
18 - Boat Dogs: Luna & Clompy
19 - Nisswa with Momma
20 - Time with Robby
21 - Easiest possible drive to Rochester
22 - Fibromyalgia
23 - Home
24 - Day 1 of new treatment plan
25 - Fun at Traband's party
26 - Started putting together a schedule
27 - Pushed through fatigue and got stuff done
28 - Screamed, cried, screamed again, got up and did stuff
29 - Took myself out to lunch
30 - Twenty minute walk
31 - Dinner with mother & sister (and the slowest s'mores that have ever s'mored)

July Victories

notashamed — Thu, 16 Aug 2018 01:29:29 GMT

01 - Opening the windows!
02 - Meghan inspiring me to get back on my Spanish lessons
03 - Cackling at Central Intelligence
04 - Cleaning a bunch of junk out of basement storage
05 - Did some chores instead of just sitting & feeling anxious
06 - Friends and shakes at Snuffy's
07 - Neighbor-time on the Flanagan lawn
08 - Able to stand up long enough for a shower
09 - Headache finally broke
10 - Laughing until my throat and chest hurt
11 - Third consecutive week of progress at physical therapy
12 - Finally celebrating Father's Day with ramen and lemon pie. And my Dad.
13 - Pulling a U-ie in the middle of the road to say Hi to Jen and Jer
14 - Hammock time
15 - Emptied the dishwasher
16 - Helped make dinner
17 - Meds kept the headache low
18 - Walked the girls
19 - Masterpiece (the board game) with M&D and Ivan
20 - Left the house TWICE without even thinking about -- including seeing Mandy for the first time since high school
21 - Finished the laundry (why does it take 3 full days?)
22 - Took a shower
23 - First movie at Alamo Drafthouse
24 - Got out of the house even though I wasn't feeling great
25 - Feeling confident at my doctor appointment
26 - 4 Flanagans in Brainerd!
27 - Cap & Clompy, Napping Robby, boat Jakky, I'm on a boat, Sunset Kevin & Katie, Captain Robby, Luna loves boats, Jen loves Clompy, Kevin copies Clompy.
28 - Tubing, screaming & laughing with these girls of my heart
29 - Said the sentence "It's been a good year"
30 - Tubing (aka laughing & screaming) with Joy and Emma
31- Got out of bed

June Victories

notashamed — Sat, 14 Jul 2018 16:33:31 GMT

June 01 -- Went to school to help out Robby
June 02 -- Got out of the house
June 03 -- Laughing at Solo with Robby
June 04 -- Library books!
June 05 -- Meds worked and I feel back to sleep
June 06 -- We're going to SWCC!
June 07 -- Weighted blanket and meditation
June 08 -- Hunting down what may be the only vinyl copy of London Calling to give to Robby
June 09 -- Got dressed
June 10 -- Asked for help when I really really didn't wanna
June 11 -- Got stuff accomplished
June 12 -- Took meds when I needed them
June 13 -- Headache clearing off long enough to hang out with these dudes
June 14 -- Car dancing to Janelle Monáe
June 15 -- Taco Libre with Bethany
June 16 -- Having fun whilst running errands (thanks IG!)
June 17 -- Used my tricks/knowledge & got my pain to recede
June 18 -- Fell back to sleep after bringing Robby to the airport
June 19 -- So many messages of support that I ran out of energy to respond to them all
June 20 -- Luna's post-vet anxiety didn't trigger my own
June 21 -- Over two hour dinner with Abby
June 22 -- Got myself and the girls up to Brainerd
June 23 -- Laughing so hard and so much I lost my voice #cousins
June 24 -- No critter catches from the doggos
June 25 -- Time with Momma
June 26 -- Easy and uneventful drive home
June 27 -- Giving myself permission to not do all the cleaning in one day
June 28 -- Graduating to a 3 month follow-up with my psychiatrist
June 29 -- Robby's home!
June 30 -- Getting mildew smell out of the dryer

May Victories

notashamed — Sat, 14 Jul 2018 16:19:00 GMT

May 01 — Self-care kept pain level somewhat tolerable
May 02 — Making (slow) progress with PT
May 03 PEDICURE WITH ANN. WE DID IT. (we had to reschedule twice)
May 04 -- A husband that takes care of me* when I'm couch bound *gets me ice cream
May 05 -- Monopoly! The minions were not happy with my greed and piles of money. (Except Clompy, who was very proud of me.
May 06 -- Overcoming inertia to walk the dogs
May 07 -- Made dinner for me and my super busy husband
May 08 -- Nice phone call with my Papa on his birthday
May 09 -- Shaking off the anxiety for a couple hours
May 10 -- Asked for help here, Twitter and Crisis Text Line
May 11 -- Time with friends and lots of laughing
May 12 -- 2000 steps over my daily goal
May 13 -- Fun day celebrating Papa's birthday and Mother's Day
May 14 -- Asking for company instead of leaning into my anxiety
May 15 -- Low anxiety all day
May 16 -- Rediscovering "Afternoons and Coffeespoons" Crash Test Dummies!
May 17 -- Validating and supportive appointment with Mayo doctor
May 18 -- Mean Girls Broadway soundtrack. First of all, it's hilarious. Cady sings about CALCU-LUST when she meets Aaron. Second of all: "Cuz sometimes what's meant to break you, makes you brave!"
May 19 -- Quieting the part of me that wanted to isolate and hung out with Momma instead
May 20 -- "Life of the Party" with Cathy and it was funnier then we expected
May 21 -- Finally got some good sleep
May 22 -- 3 new Spotify playlists: Brush It Off: when you wanna dance out that anxiety, Motivation Station: when you need a lil push to get started, Checklist: when you've got stuff to do!
May 23 -- Minimal tears and low anxiety at psych appointment
May 24 -- Brought a level 10 headache down to a 5. Yay medicines and PT/self-care lessons
May 25 -- Made it up to Brainerd in time for dinner
May 26 -- First Rocket Man of the season
May 27 -- 1 2 3 4 5
May 28 -- Cars and houses with air conditioning #uffda
May 29 -- idk exactly but it has something to do with this picture. It brought up so many good memories. Unfortunately it also brought up a HUGE need for Multiples to come back, but oh well
May 30 -- Made it to PT
May 31 -- Walked the girls

April Victories

notashamed — Fri, 18 May 2018 20:50:55 GMT

01 - Step 1: watch Mean Girls with Jakky. Step 2: Profit.
02 - Remembered to meditate
03 - Finally found the perfect playlist for coloring when I have a headache: Peaceful Retreat
04 - Kraft Mac & Cheese
05 - Showered
06 - Shower of 4 seasons of Community
07 - Being ok with not leaving the house
08 - Teaching Jen how to cross stitch
09 - (Mostly) Cleaned the bathroom
10 - Reliving my junior high years through music
11 - One thousand seven hundred fifty minutes of meditation completed
12 - Getting caught up on the Stitch-a-long. Just in time for part 4 to come out.
13 - Left the house. And had beers!
14 - No Robert Durst nightmares
15 - Getting out of bed
16 - Zero: tears shed, punches thrown, screams roared while in public
17 - Walking the girls
18 - Encouraging and productive physical therapy appointment
19 - Getting Robby to sit and watch Queer Eye with me
20 - Distracting myself with baseball
21 - Learned a new way to ask for help
22 - New chair = less neck pain
23 - Sitting in the hammock chair
24 - Migraine came after lunch and shopping with Mom
25 - Spent most of the day outside and reading
26 - #ThanosDemandsYourSilence
27 - I'd Rather Be Me from Mean Girls on Broadway
28 - Meditating outside
29 - Got dressed
30 - Finished laundry that I started many many days ago, spoke up about a miscommunication, got the SWEETEST text in the history of texts

The New Me

notashamed — Fri, 18 May 2018 20:16:11 GMT

**I was looking through old bullet journals and I found this draft of a post I was contemplating a lot at the time and then promptly forgot**

Matty said to me once, "I could stick you and Chris into an insurance convention and you guys would find a way to have a great time." I was so happy to hear that. Because Matty gets me, and I love being that care-free silly person.

In this photo from our wedding, it's the end of the night, The Caves are closing up and everyone's getting ready to leave. The drunk purse stealer had been arrested, all my friends and family were IN THE SAME ROOM AS I AM, I had just gotten married for cryin' out loud, and there was talk of an after-party. I am telling Robby that I wanna go - I don't want the night to end. He's being the voice of reason, reminding me that we've had a big day and we travel tomorrow. But I had to be convinced: people were gonna be having fun and I WASN'T GONNA BE THERE. NOT COOL.

My world doesn't look like this anymore. Because I don't work like this anymore.
I have a new identity. I'm not the person who livens parties when she shows. I'm not the one who plans a meal and a party and a hang out and a movie and coffee on consecutive days.
I couldn't even get through 16 hours a week at a job - A REALLY EASY JOB where I was supported by people that tried to accommodate and support me.
Because I am not the person you used to know.

There are glimpses of her on the good days. The biggest problem with this change in identity is that its invisible. I haven't lost a limb or the ability to walk, so you can't identify it upon immediately seeing me. The new me is a woman with a disability. Some of you may read that sentence and scoff or feel that I am overreacting. It means you don't understand the toll of chronic migraines, of chronic pain.
This is a serious adjustment. It's the filter through which I view the whole world.

When people see me walking slowly through Target or the grocery store, they have no idea the struggle it was to get there.
To get off the couch put on clothes
and then probably bundle up in what looks excessive to you because the cold is VERY aggravating
trust my senses and my ability to turn my head so I can drive
and walk into a really brightly lit store that probably has music playing at a volume that is too high
and manuever around strangers as I try to remember what is on my list and where it is in the store.
Then I have to make small talk with the cashier because I don't want my bad attitude to rub off on them but all i want is for this exchange to end
so I can bundle back up and slowly walk back to my car and steal myself again to use my senses fully
so I can get home safely to my dogs and my slippers and blankets
because that was utterly exhausting.
Meanwhile, 30 minutes have passed
and now I need to come up with a way to fill the rest of my day because it's only 1:00.
It's like that episode of Friends when Ross is on sabbatical and already ran 3 errands and Joey says, "Dude, you just described seven days worth of stuff!" That's my life.
Because I lack stuff to fill it and because one outing can put me down for the day.

Every little step is a series of 2 or 3 decisions all on its own:
Getting out of bed - having I slept enough, did I wake up with a headache, do I have any to get up for today
eating - am I actually hungry or thirsty or am I bored
getting dressed- do I have the energy to do this, does anything still fit me, am I leaving the house today or can I wear the pants that are my favorite but are super sheer
making plans - will I be comfortable there, will they understand if I cancel, what other appointments are scheduled close by it and will I be tired from them, can I reschedule if I need to, did I cancel with them last time
watching tv- did I watch too much today, did I watch too much yesterday
reading/cross-stitch/coloring - can I concentrate enough on the story/pattern/picture, did I do this yesterday,

I'm not writing about this because I want sympathy or pity. I want understanding. If you've bothered to read this, you get a picture of what's going on with me and I need that from my people. Thank you for taking the time to try and understand.

Daily Victories - March

notashamed — Mon, 02 Apr 2018 01:39:59 GMT

01 - Cannabis worked! 10 minutes later and my headache was gone. SIGH
02 - Attacked pending anxiety attack with meds and support. No tears!
03 - Katie O!
04 - Successfully fought off migraine
05 - Beach
06 - Me + Katie + pool + NKOTB radio = 🥇🏆🎉🤪🤣
07 - Successfully meditating in a loud and busy TJMaxx
08 - Cackling at Superstore
09 - Finished Bird Box and had zero nightmares
10 - Met my next PT goal
11 - Less TV, more cross stitch
12 - Realizing I have to undo ALL of the cross stitch I’m working on. But at least I wasn’t any further on it
13 - Felt human. This cold is finally on its way out
14 - First Botox appointment since October, even though I reaaaaaally didn’t want to go
15 - Physical therapist telling me I did great
16 - Supportive friends, husband who takes care of me and surprises me with Get Well prezzie, parents who let me call just to complain about feeling like crap, and two wrestling weirdos who always make me smile
17 - Feeling a little less like crap
18 - Returning to earth and reality and very nearly having full control of my muscles again
19 - Spending the day at home with my family and just recovering. Also, not going to the ER
20 - I made dinner so Robby didn’t have to
21 - Day of relentless anxiety and migraine, but I didn’t fully break down/give in
22 - BIRTHDAY 🎂🎁 Chicken Kiev, low anxiety, texts, Mother Bear call, hand-me-down thongs?, A.P. Bio, mashed potatoes, FB messages, Peter & Wolf & Bowie
23 - Easy arrival to Florida
24 - Rest
25 - Birthday shopping and meal at Cooper’s Hawk with my family
26 - Migraine finally calming down
27 - Tried shrimp (still a big ol nope)
28 - 9 years of marriage with my completely wonderful Robby
29 - Headache actually responded to my meds and stayed away
30 - Final day by the pool but no sunburn
31 - Back home on the couch with my girls

Daily Victories - February

notashamed — Mon, 02 Apr 2018 01:22:51 GMT

01 - Made it through Target
02 - Robby didn’t have to wake me up because I was screaming in my sleep
03 - Finally saw The Shape of Water (incredible)
04 - Took a shower
05 - Was basically a ninja
06 - Dipping warm baguette into the leftover hot fudge from my sundae
07 - Survived it. It was a bad one.
08 - Didn’t eat all the Girl Scout cookies
09 - Not super eventful but a good day nonetheless
10 - Chef’s Bar seats at Icehouse
11 - Able to concentrate on cross stitching
12 - Laundry: carrying, stairs, folding, sorting, lifting (I miss you, upper level laundry)
13 - Lunch with Spike. Mmmm churros
14 - Finally made plans with Ann! Only took... sevenmonthsshuddup
15 - Videos of me lip-syncing to NKOTB for Katie
16 - Friends, dinner, cross Stich, Olympics = full heart
17 - Trip to Half Price Books for our annual Pick Something Out For Each Other trip
18 - Having dinner, watching Scrubs, and laughing with my husband
19 - Hot bath with my good friends lavender, spearmint and eucalyptus
20 - Asking formhelp from all y’all. And you came through like gang busters. I love my people
21 - Talked out my anxiety to pinpoint what was bothering me, helping me know not to push too hard
22 - Actively took care of myself instead of just sitting around feeling crappy
23 - Having a Papa that will come over and snow-blow the driveway for us
24 - Left the house for the first time in four days
25 - Giant floppy hat!
26 - Doggo pictures galore
27 - color color color (thank you Andria)
28 - Made it to therapy with no anxiety

Daily Victories - January 2018

notashamed — Thu, 22 Feb 2018 19:48:08 GMT

**I've been doing a thing over on Facebook. I'm posting every day - sharing the victory for my previous day. Sometimes silly, sometimes difficult to pinpoint, always a victory to celebrate. Here's what I have so far...**

January 01 - sought out company and hugs instead of sitting with anxious thoughts on loop
January 02 - taking The Girls for a walk
January 03 - an overall good day! Lunch and shopping with mom, psych appointment, down time with pups and hubby
January 04 - remembered to meditate
January 05 - asked for help and Xanax
January 06 - out of the house and spent the day with friends I love
January 07 - talking to the BFF and getting that grumpy mood out
January 08 - made it to my appointment. Even showered beforehand!
January 09 - approved for MN Medical Cannabis registry!
January 10 - falling asleep so hard I thought it was 3:00 when I went to the bathroom. Nope - 11:45
January 11 - Laughing and having dinner at the table with Robby
January 12 - left the house for the first time in four days!
January 13 - no anxiety attack while having to take Clompy in for a horrible split nail
January 14 - made chicken sausage gumbo for the first time
January 15 - Helping Robby shovel the driveway (shakes fist at snowblower)
January 16 - Finally got Abby's cross stitch in the mail!
January 17 - Didn't need to rest after my shower
January 18 - Remembered to turn off the electronics and read a friggen book
January 19 - Left the house TWO times & hung out with people I love
January 20 - Migraine came after the shopping
January 21 - I don't know :shrug: ETA: I found it! "deciding nope [football] is boring and watching Return of the King instead"
January 22 - Getting home at 1:30 and STAYING there (such snow)
January 23 - Introducing the Flanagan women to Mean Girls
January 24 - Made it through the day without crying
January 25 - Ignoring the part of me saying I was gross and lazy, and not showering because I really just didn't wanna
January 26 - Literal victory against Robby and X-Wing
January 27 - Meeting my PT goal
January 28 - Leaving the house
January 29 - Talking and laughing with Mother Bear
January 30 - Not getting my car stuck in the driveway (ya know, like I did yesterday)
January 31 - Taking The Girls for a walk

It's not you, it's me

notashamed — Fri, 27 Jan 2017 02:32:04 GMT

You know that break-up phrase, "It's not you, it's me" and the joke is always "lulz, no really it IS you."
Well, for me, when it comes to cancelling plans, that phrase really is true. It's NOT you.
It's me.

It's been over four years of this chronic migraine life, and it has changed me. I need time to recover every time I leave the house or after being social/around people. Some of this is an emotional recharge-introvert-type of recovery, some of it is physical-fatigue-type recovery. I didn't used to be this way.

Back at the beginning of things, I didn't understand this change. I would push too hard and suffer the consequences for days. I would push so hard to get through my work day, keeping my work face on, my pain masked, my anger as hidden as possible, my sadness concealed between the hours of 8:30am-5:00pm. I'd come home, to my safe place, and I could be myself. I could be in pain, I could be all but motionless, I could cry, I could complain. I realized I couldn't do it anymore. I was quickly re-walking the path towards deepest depression. That's when I quit my job (the first time).

The unfortunate side effect of that choice, and of my disability in general, is the isolation. Migraines require stillness, dark, solitude. Robby has learned that the thing I want most on my bad days is just to be left the hell alone. (People have no idea how loud they are.) This is unfortunate because stillness, dark, and solitude are great ways to feed depression or anxious thoughts. :eye roll:

Now that my symptoms are better controlled, better understood, and slightly more easily predicted, I know when to say no. I know when my headache is just bad enough that doing things like driving, walking, looking at a computer, or talking are going to be just enough to toss this bad headache into a crippling one.

So that means I have to cancel plans with people. Way more often then I want to, I assure you. I've had to do it twice this week, almost 3 times. I can't come up with a more eloquent way of saying this, so: don't take it personally if I'd had to cancel plans with you. Don't take it as a signal that I don't want to be your friend if you haven't seen me. I can assure you that I would rather be having fun with you than at home feeling like crap. I hope that you know this, but I'm here to remind you.

I love my friends. I miss my friends. Don't give up on me.

Give this another try

notashamed — Thu, 05 Jan 2017 16:52:13 GMT

In my bullet journal (does anyone else have one? I'll talk more about it in a bit), I am trying a weekly list called Need-Want-Should. It's a list of things I Need to do, Want to do and Should do. It's my way of making sure that I am actually getting things accomplished (Need) each week, as well as doing things that are fun for me and taking care of my self (Want). Because pretty much my whole life is free time, it's really easy for each day to pass by extremely unstructured and oh, I just watched 10 episodes of Parks and Recreation, how did that happen? Not that I have EVER done that, ever. I mean, yesterday I watched eight episodes, so let's not get crazy.

Of course the trick with this list is to not get down on myself if I end up not checking off all the items. So that'll be the test for this item.

One of the things on my Want list is to post on here. TA-DA! And I just texted my therapist to schedule with her so basically I am a mutha fuggin task accomplishing master. (*see yesterday and 8-ish P&R episodes)

My mother-in-law gets stressed out by buying gifts for us for birthday and Christmas so we get cash and I finished spending all of mine the other day - one of the items was the series set of Parks and Recreation on DVD as you may have noticed. My S3 of Orphan Black is supposed to come today, sweatpants from TWLOHA tomorrow and I have no ETA on the Dillon Panthers t-shirt or coloring books.

This has been a crap week, really. I was doing my Crisis Text Line shift on Monday and I got triggered horribly by the conversation. I will be taking about a month off from doing that work. The pain is still too raw and I just can't help other people until I can get a little more distance from losing Lewis. I spent the whole rest of the day in an utterly horrible mood - I haven't been stuck in the mire for awhile. It was hard for Robby because he kept wanting to help me and I just... wanted him to leave me the eff alone. Which I eventually told him. A lot of the time when I'm crabby, he'll offer ideas to help me feel better or spend time with me and cheer me up, but that clearly wasn't what I needed that day - I actually needed to just sit in the crap and feel it. Once I figured that out, he left me alone like I needed and I blasted (lol NO because headache) some Flyleaf while coloring. They have been very good for my heart right now.

The other thing that's good for my heart is TACOS. Going out for tacos tonight and then again on Monday. Pretty happy about that.

What else? Oh yeah, bullet journal. It's a thing. An even bigger thing on Pintrest. Robby bought me an ~~officiall~~ Bullet Journal for Christmas. I'm still not sure if I'm 100% sold on this brand, I might like Moleskine better. Edges of your seats, people. I could write more about it but it's second breakfast time. Priorities

a few days later

notashamed — Sun, 25 Dec 2016 15:32:43 GMT

I would apologize to the new people for talking about death this much, but I honestly can't. I'm sorry that our meeting has to intersect with this awful tragedy in my life - that part I am sorry for. But LJ has always been the place we are ourselves, right? So possibly unfortunately for you, that means death stuff right from the get go. I will not be offended if you skip/skim it, as this can be some deeper friendship level stuff and maybe you don't want to invest that.

I still feel as though I'm reeling from Lewis' death. I guess I don't feel that way - I am. The funeral was Wednesday and it was nice. Funeral's aren't good - you're still leaving someone behind. But it there were a few moments of wonder and laughter when some family friends shared Lewis memories. Towing his friends in a wagon behind his bike with a bungee cord, taxidermying his own fish (and... not too successfully), making a motorbike out of an old weed-wacker motor - those wonderful utterly ~Lewis~ things that he would do.

But seeing him in his coffin was fucking terrible. I lost the strength in my legs and started bawling. Lewis isn't supposed to be sitting still, much less laying there with is hands nicely folded.

- - - - - - - - -

That was as far as I got two nights ago while trying to write about the funeral. Instead I burst out crying, got a bad headache and went to bed. It's still so fresh and so unfair and so stupid and so horrible and so just wrong. Because he should be here.

But now the family and I are in Wisconsin at mother-in-law's. A couple family members coming over tonight. Tomorrow Robby's brother and his wife come. Driving home Wednesday. Seeing my brother and his family on Thursday. It's good to have things to look forward to.

Merry Christmas, flist. I hope your days are well.

I have a really important request

notashamed — Tue, 20 Dec 2016 16:56:15 GMT

When you leave your LJ back in the Lady Gaga hey-day, your icons are mainly Lady Gaga (lulz, 30 of them). Which is fine on the one hand. I'm still a Little Monster, my paws are up. Joanne is a great album, btw.

But I have no icons of my more recent interests and I would like that. So here's where you come in, flist. Looking for icons of the following subject matters:

Agents of SHIELD

who the hell is Bucky

any Captain America movie

Bob's Burgers

Community or Friday Night Lights (these are not new to the universe but new to me and i have watched both series 3 times in the past like 2 years. #bingemaster)

New Girl

Crazy Ex-Girlfriend

maybe Game of Thrones? Mostly Brienne probs

Adventure Time

Orphan Black

Daredevil/Jessica Jones/Luke Cage

Fury Road

The Force Awakens or Rogue One

This used to not be an issue because I used to have PS on my laptop and I MISS IT. So if you know of any still working/functioning icon journals, please let me know. Or comment with any of your fave icons from these fandoms. KAY THANKS FRANDS

maybe we could care a little more

notashamed — Tue, 20 Dec 2016 02:29:59 GMT

Thanks to a friending meme, I both have the inspiration to post and a reason to post.

Well, unfortunately I have a horrible reason for posting, but I am not going to write about that tonight. I'm gonna keep this part as short as possible because I'm gonna try to go to bed soon and I need to not be cryin' right now, ya know. Those of you who have been around for awhile may remember the Donley family. I have known Mike & Joy since I was in high school and now they and their kids are part of my non-blood family. We spend almost every Christmas Eve with them, we spend at least a weekend with them every summer in Brainerd - things like that. On Friday, Lewis killed himself. He had just turned 16 a few days earlier. It has been completely fucking horrible trying to adjust to this new reality and accept how this is actually true. So I will, at a later time, post more about that because I need to talk about it. For now it's gonna be surfacey stuff.

~~TRANSITION TO SMALL TALK~~

Anywho.
Hi new peeps. If you want to add me on other social interaction places, feel free to do so. I come with handy links n shit.

Tumblr - achancetofly: i post REALLY sporadically there

Instagram - achancetofly: do you like dogs and/or cross-stitch? because that's pretty much what I post. sometimes my own mug

Twitter - achancetofly (HAVE YOU NOTICED A THEME) I've kind of just started posting there again recently

What's the deal with A Chance To Fly? I have a birdcage thigh tattoo with a quote from a Wicked song: everyone deserves a chance to fly. notashamed is actually a reference to my very first tattoo so apparently I only ever name things after tattoos. I just realized that.

I was hoping to do more than just HI THIS IS ME OK BYE but I guess that's what you're getting here today. I am hungry and need to do something about that before bed. Also, I woke up with a HUGE ASS COLD SORE yesterday and well, it's taken over my entire life (and by life I mean FACE).

Also, I would like my new flist-ers to appreciate that I made a moodtheme of myself. Because well, why wouldn't I.

RESULTS AND STUFF

notashamed — Mon, 08 Aug 2016 23:11:36 GMT

But mainly results. Less of the stuff.
Thanks for being patient with the delay in me posting this. I was busy being depressed.

Sherlock Holmes

Perks of Being a Wallflower
muuuuuch better book then movie

Kill Bill, volume 2

Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade
I WOULD LIKE TO POINT OUT THAT KERRY GOT THIS AND MATT DIDN'T

Heavenly Creatures
No one got this one, which didn't surprise me. I think it's ok if you skip this film, unless you, like me, love Kate Winslet. Or Peter Jackson.

Hook

Girl, Interrupted

Fight Club

Dead Poets Society

Divergent
SNORESVILLE

Cars

Black Swan

Warm Bodies

10 Things I Hate About You

The Matrix Reloaded
~~suckas~~

13 Going on 30

The Breakfast Club

The Titanic
I picked this cap for a reason, and Verena, you'll just have to bear with me as you were there for my Twitter rant. People (LIKE LEESH & KERRY) are always all 'omg there's totally room for him on that door, you h0r.' THAT WAS NEVER THE ISSUE. He gets on the door with her - IT SINKS. WATCH THE GEE DEE MOVIE. GOSH. /RANT

Scott Pilgrim vs. The World
I also accepted just Scott Pilgrim as I can never for the life of me remember if the movie is vs. the World or vs. The Universe, as there are books with both titles. And it's my quiz so I do what I want.

Sixteen Candles

Romeo + Juliet

Snowpiercer

Pulp Fiction

The Nightmare Before Christmas

Men In Black

Maleficent

The Lady and the Tramp

Jurassic Park
These last 3 are basically the freebie section of the quiz.

Inception

Heathers

Hackers

Gone Girl
this movie fucked me uuuup

Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind

Despicable Me 2

Captain America: The Winter Soldier

Carrie

Batman Begins

Now that we're done with that, let's get to the WINNAS:
6 hearty souls were here for the haul, so you all get a place. When I don't feel so terrible, I'll even make you a little banner with your name on it. Because I'm generous like that.
Out of 111 possible points...

06. jennielf = 61.5 (55%)
05. kerouaccat = 71 (64%)
04. oceancurrents = 72.5 (65%)
03. shayrena = 84.5 (76%)
02. hofmannison = 91 (82%)
and the undefeated champion of Janna's Movie Quizzes
purple_reign = 99 (89%)

Thanks for playing, everyone :D It was really fun to put another one of these together.

In the interest of full disclosure

notashamed — Mon, 08 Aug 2016 01:25:31 GMT

One quick scroll down my Facebook feed and I see between 3-6 posts from different friends about some kind of exercising they've done. Checking in at a gym, an app that logs their run or bike ride, pictures of themselves after a run. Stuff like that.

This is not one of those posts.

Today has been a bad day. I tried to go to church this morning but when my alarm went off at 8:30, there was no way that was happening. Then I slept until almost 11:00 and my head was still killing me. Knives stabbing me in the head, my brain swimming and swollen, my eyes burning. The fan running was too loud. The day star was FAR too bright - I had to come back to my bedroom to not be bothered by the light. I've spent the majority of the day here, and I'll prove it to you.

511 steps. For the day.
I look at that, and it actually surprises me how high that number is.
I look at that and can't be surprised that I've gained back 25 of the 30 pounds that I lost eight years ago.
I look at that and I feel lazy and useless.
Then I look at my monthly average for daily steps: 2,308

Because I gotta tell ya, people. You know what isn't a great motivator for exercise?
Depression.
You know what else isn't?
Chronic pain.

And it's been a bad couple of weeks for both of those things for me. It's been a bad couple of YEARS for both of those things for me, really, but who's counting. (Me. I am. I'm counting. (I'm pretty sure Robby is too.)) So even though I consistently try to keep moving and eat better and get another job and figure out what the hell I'm supposed to do with my life,

Why am I sharing this with you. Because sharing is caring, FOMO is apparently a thing, and we all present our best selves, and hashtag no filter never really means no filter, and depression looks different on everyone, and no one will understand what I'm going through if I never talk about it, and because migraines are REALLY FUCKING BORING Y'ALL. So this is step one in my attempt to talk about what depression and chronic pain is really doing to me.

Because I will not be ashamed of those diagnoses.

Uuuuugh that was not a joke about my USERNAME OK

OR WAS IT