No links this week. Stay safe and be woke!
DC2 has been learning a lot more about hir friends’ home lives, and while, to our knowledge, none of them are CPS-level abusive (this is in contrast to at least one of DC1’s friends back in high school), finding out about them has been making DC2 appreciate hir homelife more.
Now some of this is home lives that clearly are sub-optimal. DC2 seems to collect a lot of LGBT friends who have homophobic parents, and we are definitely not that. Also the more I learn about the Mormon church, the less I like it (this is one of those, love all the Mormons I personally know, hate their bigoted misogynistic religion… even if BYU does send us very strong graduate students).*
But more of it is just that they do things differently. They don’t have a dishwasher, so kids have to wash dishes by hand, but each kid who can drive has a car. They have a mom who is more like a friend than an authority figure. They eat the same thing every week (Taco Tuesday!) They’re forced to do sports or to drive to the city to do prep school every Saturday. We don’t have the ability to have a third car because we have a two car garage and a one-car driveway and our HOA doesn’t allow on-street parking at night; having a third car even visit is kind of a nightmare. I guess we’re still authority figures. We have possibly more variety with cooking than is optimal (every time we have spaghetti or chili or tacos we wonder why we don’t do it more often!) And we’re too lazy for sports or prep school and DC2 is too busy for sports and neither kid really needed/needs prep school– but we have strong-armed our kids into Math circle on Saturdays and music lessons etc… (we get buy-in but not always enthusiastic buy-in).
And I think back to when I was in high school and how weird other family’s patterns seemed. And I knew my home life was messed up because I saw Family Ties and (I am sad to say The Cosby Show) and thought they were examples of how good parents behaved and how probably most people’s parents who weren’t verbally abusive were. And because I knew there were things I was not supposed to tell other people about because we didn’t want Child Protective Services called. And yet, I still thought various things about how I lived were normal, superior even, but in reality they were just different and other people’s patterns were just different too.
What you know seems normal, even when logically it isn’t at all. Or logically there isn’t a normal, but a whole range of possibilities. And it takes a long time and some distance to see that.
What were some things you thought were normal growing up that other people thought were weird, or that you thought were weird but turned out to be normal?
*For some reason DC1 is on a Discord for transgender students at BYU and I just cannot with the cognitive dissonance or how hard their lives are. I also went to college with a guy whose parents refused to pay for college or fill out financial aid when he refused to go to BYU– hundreds of thousands of dollars in debt for no reason. And since getting to high school, the Mormon moms of opposite-sex-to-DC2 kids who used to just seem like nice people have gotten a little creepy. DC2 thinks I shouldn’t feel guilty about not liking the Mormon church and points out that I was raised Catholic and feel the same way (I would argue a very similar way, but not quite the same) about Catholics. I definitely have cognitive dissonance about believing that I should support religious freedom and live-and-let-live and absolutely hating cult-like religions that hurt people and disown people for normal healthy things. I guess it still boils down to and it hurts no one do what you will, and the Mormon church definitely hurts innocent people. I apologize to any Mormon readers who have decided to stop following. It does still seem to be a healthier religion than Jehovah’s Witnesses?
DH’s current iPhone is out of storage space because he takes pictures and videos of the kids and cats and also plays phone games.
DC1’s phone battery keeps running out of charge even though we got it replaced prior to giving hir this phone (which used to be my old phone). For a long time zie said zie didn’t want a replacement, but apparently has been mostly keeping it in hir dorm room this year because it’s always out of batteries, which has caused a few problems. So… zie indicated that zie might be ok with a replacement. I guess when zie gets home I’ll check on the battery to see if replacing it again would be worthwhile.
(DC2’s phone is crunched because we gave hir a soft case instead of a hard case initially but zie refuses to let us replace it at ALL. Technically it is hir turn for a replacement, but if DC1 weren’t having problems, DH probably would have delayed getting a new phone even with his storage space problems.)
DH was going to get an iPhone 17 with 512GB for $1000, but I vetoed that and said no, if you’re running out of space now you’ll run out of space with 512GB as well. So zie has gotten the 17-Pro with 1TB for $1500. (He was won over with the argument that $500 these days is just two grocery store trips and we have that in petty cash.) I see now that I’m looking that zie could have gotten a Pro Max with 2TB for $2000, but that’s also a physically bigger phone and probably not actually needed. With tax, $1,623.
DH also got a new case and new screen protectors. Since we’re not longer using Amazon, zie ordered from a company called Smartish directly (they don’t know we exit– not an affiliate link). $32 screen protectors, $49 for a new case (he uploaded his own design to smartish, which is not an affiliate link, but does explain the price).
Practically there’s not much difference between the new phone than the old phone other than 1. the increased memory and 2. a much better camera (particularly for zooming in!)
I have an iPhone 15, so I guess I’m next in line for a new iPhone but unless DC2 wants to replace hirs, I don’t really see needing a new one. Apparently I’m using iCloud storage and have 40GB left in that and 173GB remaining on my phone’s harddrive. I don’t really do much on my phone other than text and surf the internet and take the occasional cute picture.
How often do you replace your phones? What is the trigger for new technology purchases?
This is a huge travesty of justice– people protesting an ICE facility in TX given 30-100 years, even people who weren’t there! The guy with the 100 year sentence shot someone (who survived), and that 100 year sentence is way more than the January 6th rioters who actually killed a police officer got before they were pardoned.
Here’s the gofundme for one of the guys who wasn’t there. Below are some more funding requests for a few of the other people appealing. I don’t know what is to be done about the judges– this looks like it was Federal Court.
rose asks:
Beyond food needs for your at home household what big changes have you seen re having one child at college and soon two? What are you seeing as potential positives of both being high school graduates? Do you have travel plans for that period? Or location changes for your selves? Are there sabbatical options that might open up? Would that interest you? Where would you like to consider (broadly not specifics!)
The food, as you note, is really the biggest. It is hard to go from 2 teenagers to 1 teenager and then back up to 2 at breaks.
Our vacations have very little overlap with DC1 at college so even though we finally for the first time have money to take real vacations it’s always one of the children getting left out. (DH can take DC1 but I have to stay home with DC2 because I can’t take off work and DC2 can’t take off school. Or DH, DC2 and I can go someplace but DC1 can’t.) We have a few years left with DC2, but hir lengthy extra-curriculars schedule makes some things less predictable– if they do well in competitions then sometimes there are other competitions over holidays but we don’t know until it’s too late to make plans.
It was nice when DC1 had time and was driving– zie could drive DC2 to things. But now when DC1 is in town, zie doesn’t have time to chauffeur.
We have a few years before DC2 heads out. I imagine vacations will be even more difficult to plan then as DC1 will be out of college (no summer breaks) and DC2 will no longer have a schedule that largely mirrors mine. It will probably also be quiet. We will really miss knowing what is going on with their lives on a granular rather than more general basis. I’m thinking we’ll have more time… I’ll have less driving to do. We’ll be able to pick up and just do things on weekends and evenings if we want. There will be a lot less scheduling things and trying to remember things for 3-4 people. It will just be us. We don’t really have travel plans, but I do have in my mind that we could have the occasional 3 day weekend in like San Diego or something. I dunno. In terms of faculty development leave, I have been thinking it might be nice to do one in Europe, which is something you can do with small children but can’t do with a high schooler. I’m particularly interested in going to the country where I have second cousins and there’s a university group that does work that is similar to some of mine. But I don’t know what will happen.
Empty nesters– what changed for you?
DH’s parents have hit the age where they have to draw down from their defined contribution savings, which has essentially doubled their cash on hand compared to last year when they were just getting their defined benefit pensions + Social Security.
Combined with this, DH’s youngest sibling has been needing cash infusions because of various things. But they’re very fair, so if they send something to one kid, it gets sent to all three kids.
A month or so ago they wanted to send us $500 and we were like do not bother, if you must, please donate it to a charity in our name (and after a few rounds of this we provided specific charity suggestions). I think they didn’t want to do that but we also convinced them not to send it.
This month they sent to the group chat with the three kids that checks for $2000 were already in the mail, basically short circuiting any chance we had of saying anything about it. They said it was an early inheritance.
Which makes sense– my parents have been giving my sister and her husband up to the gift tax each year in an effort to get their (state-level) inheritance tax down. (While still forcing my mom to hang up laundry because my father “doesn’t believe” in dryers, and to hand wash dishes because their kitchen is “too small” for a dishwasher. Which, a. it’s not, and b. it’s only been “too small” since the “dishwashers are less efficient” reason became false. It’s not about the environment or money or space, it’s about control. Which, if you’re not a long-time follower of the blog, is probably the main reason I’m estranged from my parents and disowned from any inheritance. I don’t like being controlled.) I don’t think DH’s family is in any danger of hitting the inheritance tax (or even the state estate tax), but you never know what a future legislature will bring.
It’s funny how 25 years ago we really could have used any extra cash. It would have paid down some of DH’s unsubsidized student loans or provided a cushion or enabled us to eat meat from the grocery store. I would have had a lot less stress. But now, $2K doesn’t really change anything. When you’re rich you just get richer. When you’re low income it’s a slog to stay afloat. If it had been this time last year, we probably would have sent it directly to DH’s relative who had the court case, but that’s all over now and I don’t think paying off a couple of thousand on their home equity loan would be that useful in the long run given previous experiences with them using the house for cash.
I have the money earmarked for plane tickets over Christmas– it costs about the same. Maybe we’ll insist on renting a car this year so they don’t have to drive us to the airport.
Do your parents give you money? If you’re a parent, how do you decide on monetary gifts for your children?
Texas is forcing a required reading list for the State of Texas that includes the Bible every year, Margaret Thatcher’s eulogy for Ronald Reagan, and Ayn Rand. This is NOT OK.
Paired action: Texans: Call or email your SBOE member.
Paired action: This 5calls.
Econ PhD students (or advisors), here’s suggestions for the job market.
Not of general interest discusses summer activities.