MUNGUIN'S NEW REPUBLIC

Now, I know that you’ll all be looking around for any spare cash you have in your purse, wallet, down the back of the settee, in a jar, under the bed, or wherever you keep your millions, so I won’t detain you for long.

I suppose the Tories’ Scottish Branch Office must be a bit hard up.

Maybe the dark money has dried up in these hard times when Ruth can no longer promise to have dinner with a Леди из России for a small consideration. Maybe Coutts has stopped accepting roubles… I don’t know.

Maybe they just want to get a better class of ermine collar for the Noble and Gallant Colonel.

But there is a warning to heed if you are about to contribute. Do not make the cheque out to Baroness Davidson.

For, sadly, the Noble Baroness doesn’t wish to be called the Noble Baroness.

I know… it’s weird, eh?

I mean only a few weeks ago she must have received the letter from Buckingham Palace saying that Her Majesty the Queen was minded to raise her from the proletariat and send her heavenward into that “select” (or not so select) class where the blood is as blue as a Tory rosette. A world where she could rub shoulders with the likes of The Noble Lady Moan of Mayfair, The Exceedingly Noble Lord George of ffoulkes (as long as it was under the table, of course)… the Grand Old Duke of York, and any number of other high borns.

Eh? What’s that you say?… Oh. Right! Um, well not him then.

Anyhoo, if she didn’t want to be called Baroness, all she had to do was write back in suitably sycophantic terms telling the Queen’s factotum that while she was touched beyond measure that Her Majesty had singled her out for such high honour, she felt that she was too busy being a full-time mum, and that, despite her being a Tory, she was, at heart, just an ordinary common or garden person of humble origin, unworthy of the honour, and why, she would be happy with a simple MBE which she would cherish to her dying day…. and sod the £300+ a day plus expenses.

But no. She wrote and accepted.

Indeed, the blood transfusion is already scheduled.

So, why does Ruthie not want to be called Baroness?

According to a party spokesperson, it is, “not the image the Tories are going for in the lead up to the elections”. They added: “ As Ruth is effectively leading the Holyrood party now with Douglas [Ross] in Westminster, she does not want the fact she is going to be a member of the Lords influencing voters. It just adds to that stereotype of Conservatives that we’re trying to move away from.

Soooo…. if it isn’t the kind of image that they want to portray in Scotland (and who could blame them for that?) why is her Nobleness, her Nobleness?

Answers on the usual postcards, please.

The Tories are launching a £5 million taxpayer-funded ad campaign to promote the Union.

And someone’s leaked the cinema ad to us…

⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️ “A once-in-a-generation movie experience. It’ll make you forget Brexit will damage your living standards.” B Johnson pic.twitter.com/DsKGR5LsYN

— Yes (@YesScot) February 14, 2020

aitchbee 1.1 (Versatran Series F) @aitchbee2000I think the EU already do know this. The problem for the government is that the EU hold all the aces, while Britain has the two of clubs, the Death card and Mrs Bun the Baker.Quote Tweet

Iain Duncan Smith MP@MPIainDS · 7hBrexit talks ‘will be over in days unless the EU realises Britain is serious about no-deal’

15.

What do you call a Frenchman wearing sandals?

Philippe Philoppe!

16.

And now for this week’s Honours List:

Munguin thanks, as ever the kind contributors to this page: John, Erik, Brenda, Graham, aitchbee 1.1 (Versatran Series F) on Twitter and of course the Heraldic Officer, Andi!

Gratias centum

Thanks to Dave, Kay, Hannah, John and Andi, and if I left anyone out… shoot me.

With thanks to Dave and John.

For so long Scotland belonged to Labour. Indeed the last time that the Tories actually got a majority of Scottish seats in the UK parliament (and to be fair it was a coalition of seats for the Unionist Party and the National Liberal and Conservative Party) was in 1955.

Party	Seats	Seats change	Votes	%	% Change
	Conservative (Total)	36	1	1,273,942	50.1	1.5
	Unionist	30	1	1,056,209	41.5	1.6
	National Liberal & Conservative	6		217,733	8.6	0.1
	Labour Party	34	1	1,188,058	46.7	1.2
	Liberal	1		47,273	1.9	0.8
	Communist	0		13,195	0.5	0.1
	SNP	0		12,112	0.5	0.2
	Other	0		8,674	0.3	0.2
Total	71		2,543,254	100

So, from 1959 until 2015 Labour held sway, at least in the UK parliament.

They lost control of the Scottish parliament in 2007 by one seat, and in 2011 they had 37 seats to the SNP’s 69.

In the Westminster election of 2015, possibly thanks to their part in the unkept promises made in the now infamous “Vow”, in concert with the Cameron-Clegg coalition, and, at the same time, the arrival of the arch right-winger, Jim Murphy, as “leader”, they fulfilled Mr Murphy’s pledge not to lose one seat to the SNP.

They did, however, lose the other 40, which he had failed to mention in his pledge.

I suspect that it must have come as a truly dreadful shock to Labour in Scotland. It had taken the votes of the Scottish people for granted for 60 years. Why they couldn’t see that coming after the loss of hegemony in Holyrood, I really cannot imagine. (Note to SNP. For heaven’s sake, don’t be that stupid.)

Since 2015 it has been a downhill all the way. In 2016, under Kezia Dugdale, they lost the title of of official opposition in the Scottish parliament, and although there was a brief revival of fortune in the UK parliament in 2017 (with 6 seats), all but that one were lost again in 2019.

Now people are calling for scalps.

Mr Leonard has not been a success as branch leader. His abysmal performances at First Minister’s Questions must have been an embarrassment to fellow left-winger, Mr Corbyn, as time after time he demanded that Nicola Sturgeon do something that she had either already done, or that was outwith the remit of the Edinburgh government.

And now rumours have been circulating that Sir Keir Starmer, from another wing of the party, has his concerns.

Given that there is a strong argument that, without some 35 to 40 seats from Scotland, Labour has little chance of ever forming a UK government, I’m sure that Sir Keir, who seems to be an arch unionist, must be looking carefully at his team in Edinburgh.

Andnow, according to “inews”, three other MSPs (Mark Griffin, Social Security, Jenny Marra and Daniel Johnson) have also demanded his resignation. His response has been that THEY might want to resign and make way for more enthusiastic members.

Impasse, je crois.

However, Munguin reminded me that with UK parties in Scotland, orders can arrive from on high… witness the unceremonious removal of the car salesman and his rapid replacement with Messers (not a spelling mistake) Ross and Hair, affectionately (and appropriately) known as DRoss and Hair Brain.

Sir Keir, faced with such dismal Conservative leadership, may well be thinking to that this is the time to get someone decent in there and because of the list system, they don’t have to be in the least popular.

But who? Maybe the Noble Red (faced) Baron, Lord ffoulkes?

A POST BY:

No it’s not a piece on religion but one about the new Saviour of the Yooniverse. DRoss – hey you haven’t even read it yet 🙂

The member for Moray is merely the latest person touted to bring down that ESSENPEE and bring joy and glad tidings to the Union, the precious, precious union. It’s difficult to remember them all – there was Jim Murphy who vowed not to lose one seat to the SNP and indeed Ian Murray, the member for Red Morningside remained. Who can forget the truly wonderful video that managed to parody both Murphy and Neil Oliver.

Then Kezia. Yeah I’ve nothing.

Frustrated by Labour’s failure, they turned to the Tories. Nothing for it but to big up the former BBC journalist Colonel Gadaftie for whom (especially for Ed who lamented the word’s demise) no set-up photo op could be passed by. Constituency surgeries could, as indeed could any attempt to hold her accountable for her party’s policies, but puff pieces were ten a penny. Astoundingly popular the media told us of the woman whose highest vote share was lower than Thatcher’s. Then she resigned as branch office manager to spend more time with her money making ideas. We briefly had Jackson Carlaw a man you wouldn’t buy a second hand car from which is probably why his 2 dealerships went into receivership until he was defenestrated by the Dream Team of DRoss and the soon to be Baroness Amoffski.

Unfortunately for the Union, DRoss by name and DRoss by nature.

So what of Dougie?

Well, he’s a man who felt being a football referee wasn’t garnering enough hate and so became a Scottish Tory. Twitter reports say that he was a bully at school and a sleekit one too. So perfect training for being Tory branch manager.

But he’s already been shown to be just as gaffe prone as his predecessors.

DRoss – “I’m not going to vote to lower food standards”

Robertson of Beeb “effectively you already have”

DRoss – “evil evil cybernats controlling you”

Robertson “yeah mate, but it’s in Hansard and everything”

DRoss “NFU love me, they told me so”

NFU bod “he’s totally twisting my words”

Beattie of Beeb “are you happy with this”

NFU bod  “totally beeling, man, he’s had it”

Please see “DRoss from D Ross” post for the original radio extracts but I submit this as a fair summary!

So having lied and pissed off the fermers, what next?

An extra lane for the M8 – where are you putting it you loon? (Loon in Doric now means boy but apparently it originally meant worthless person, so you choose!)

Undeterred by these snafus, DRoss has proposed that any future Scottish government contracts would only be open to local and/or Scottish businesses (though Scottish is merely a local to him!), if he were First Minister.

Stop laughing at the back!

Minor problem. The UK Westminster’s Internal Market bill would make that illegal. He’s an MP and will have a vote on that bill. He’s never rebelled against the government yet and even if he did now, they have a stonking majority and it would make hee haw difference.

So as Andy Gibb would say “It’s only words and words are all I have”

DRoss plans to make a return to Holyrood at the next election. What constituency is he standing in, you ask.

Apparently none.

He’s wanting to be a Highlands and Islands MSP which means elected via the list. He’s not planning to resign as an MP though. Nor is he planning to stop being the Linesman of Ross County (one for the Glenn Campbell fans!). 

And that’s fine he told one of the Unionist journos of choice, Severin Carrell of the Guardian, because that Alex Salmond was a MP, MSP, FM and party leader all at the same time. The difference being Dougie boy, that even Eck’s enemies acknowledged that he was a formidable politician and strategist. Whereas Dougie, seriously mate…

Still, if elected FM, he will stop being a referee. So let’s, in advance, congratulate Dougie on being the world’s oldest referee.

Joking aside. Is anyone else worried about the total lack of quality in the opposition? I want independence more than anything, and you might say don’t look a gift horse in the mouth. However someone needs to hold the SNP’s feet to the fire (other than MSM I mean) or we could end up with

1. a complacent SNP assuming they’ll win anyway so no need to do anything about indy… à la Labour and home rule/abolition of HoL for all those years

2. careerists and entrists worming their way into the party with agendas other than independence. Which frankly has already happened.

Witness Glasgow councillor, NEC member and prospective MSP candidate for Argyll and Bute Rhiannon Spear pictured on twitter happily drinking out of a Union Flag mug. And a mug is what anyone wanting indy voting for her would be. She was forced on Pollok and is sighted there about as often as the Marie Celeste. I’m not a fan, but she’s not the only carpetbagger unfortunately.

Ed Freeman mentioned that he thinks there will be an indy referendum next September or October. All I can say is ‘from his lips to God’s ears’. Thereby ending this post on the same religious note it began with.

Yours

Panda Paws

PS yes I did use my Heraldic device. I’m beyond honoured that Andimac felt me worthy of his time and talent. I hardly ever get any presents and this one is treasured. Mwah!

The branch supervisor of the Scottish Tories tweeted the other day.

Normally, when he does that, it’s all about the general incompetence of the SNP and Nicola Sturgeon by comparison to the brilliance of the Tories and Dominic Cummings, erm, I mean whatsisname, the blond one that looks like Donald Trump… sans tan.

Douglas Ross MP@Douglas4Moray I would have no hesitation in voting against any legislation which would allow chlorinated chicken or hormone-injected beef into this country. That’s a categorical assurance.

This time, though, it seems that he wanted to give assurance (presumably mainly to the farmers in his area), that he would not, on any account, vote for an amendment to a Bill that allowed for any diminution of standards in farming.

After all, most farmers do care about standards and good animal husbandry.

There seems little doubt that allowing standards of imports to drop would put small family farmers in tight spot. Clearly imports, produced to a lower standard, would be cheaper, and factory farms, owned by big business, wouldn’t hesitate to drop prices and standards in line with imported goods. A small farm wouldn’t be able to compete, but wouldn’t necessarily be prepared to inject their cows with hormones.

So, this tweet was a comforting intervention on Dross’s part.

Or, rather, you would have thought so had it not been that it looks like he already voted for just that.

Douglas Ross caught in the web of his own lies earlier today #bbcgms @ScotTories pic.twitter.com/tfflBytmvw

— Phantom Power (@PhantomPower14) August 31, 2020

Incidentally, the wee Tory block, we might call them “the gang of six”, also all also voted against the NHS remaining under control of the governments in the UK.

So, your NHS is plain out of luck too.

I don’t recall the rallying cry for Brexit being…”take back control and give it away again sharpish”. Do you?

While we are on the subject, just a quick look at the “gypsy”- hating MP’s record on voting on other matters:

Dross has a majority of 513 in a total vote of 48,835 (68.7%). I think it may well have been a good career move for him to bag a list seat for Edinburgh’s parliament in line with Mr Cummings’ dictat, even if we were all looking forward to Annie being in charge.

17. Oh well, if you insist. Bang!

************

And now for something a bit different.

Munguin and Andi have been having secret meetings over the last few weeks. Needless to say a lowly employee like me was not privy to these executive discussions (although I heard the odd word as I delivered cocktails, canapés, etc.) It was all above my exceedingly meagre pay grade.

However, Munguin is now pleased to reveal that he is minded to offer a coat of arms to some readers and has employed our most renowned genealogist to design them, with no expense (I know you were expecting “spared” to be the next word, but, well “no expense” is more accurate.

Three Munguinites are to be so honoured today, with (if you behave yourselves) possibly more to come.

Seriously, grateful thanks to AndiMac, who not only draws us cartoons and writes us poetry, but also designs coats of arms.

So with only a brief flourish …

Besides Andi, grateful thanks to John, Erik and Brenda.

Special thanks to Munguin and Woolie for giving up their precious time to pose for that photograph.

What a nightmare. They seem to have changed the method for uploading AGAIN! Still we got there, despite them.

Thanks to Andi and Dave.