On asking

If there’s one thing I learned about myself over the years is that there’s much still I don’t know about myself and the way my brain works. And the more I pay attention to it, the more I discover aspects of myself I wasn’t aware of.

One thing I became aware of recently is that I’m quite incapable of asking others for pretty much anything important or consequential. I’m incapable of asking for favours when it comes to important things, I’m incapable of asking for money, and I’m especially incapable of asking for help, even if I feel that some help might be needed. And this is not a pride thing mind you. It’s not because I think I don’t need help and I can do everything by myself. The opposite is true actually. I do like a good challenge but I also don’t really have a high opinion of myself and more often than not I find myself thinking that I’m not the best person for the job at hand.

But that’s not the main reason why I’m incapable of asking for help. What’s stopping me is usually an irrational fear of disappointing others. And I say irrational because if I stop and think about it I understand that at a conceptual level, there’s nothing wrong in asking for help and I know that people around me would probably be happy to help out. But a part of me refuses to do it for some reason. And it’s been like that since I can remember.

Asking in general is something I struggle with. Almost exactly a year ago I came up with the idea of the one a month club and to this day I sometimes still struggle to accept that it’s there and people donate. And what’s funny is that when the roles are reversed I jump at every possible opportunity to help others even if helping can become a burden for me. I just refuse to pass on the opportunity to help another human being if can be helpful in some way.

And no, this is not some weird Christian mindset, I’m not trying to earn a spot in paradise, I’m not baptised, I couldn’t care less about that stuff. I just think that if we’re not helping each other out when we can, then what even is the point of living on this wet rock, floating in space?

I know, my mind is weird. Maybe all minds are. Who knows. Anyway, another therapy session done, time to get back to work!