Mismatch

My current life situation is not great. For a variety of reasons that aren't worth listing here. It's not like everything's bad. Some aspects of my life are great. But overall, I'd not say I'm in a happy place. Which is fine, or at least it would be fine if the root cause of the problem was known. Because when you know the cause of a problem you can work towards a solution. But up until the other day, I didn't know why I was feeling this way. And when you're in that situation, you feel hopeless and you can see things slowly spiralling out of control. But the other day, I had a realisation: a mismatch. That's why I feel this way. I realised that there's a mismatch between the way I see myself, the way I perceive myself as a person, and who I actually am. And that mismatch is driving me insane. There are things I know about myself, or at least I think I know about myself, that are important to me. And those things should play a role in the way I live my life. And yet because of this stupid mismatch, those things weren't playing a role and were superseded by other things I absolutely despise. And this mismatch manifests in subtle ways.

I am a morning person. I know it. I experimented with it and I know for a fact that I'm happier, more productive and live a better life when I wake up early. Not once, when up early, I thought "Why am I already awake? Shouldn't I be sleeping?". That's just not a thought I have because I know how much more I enjoy life when I'm up early. But late at night? That's a constant thought. I'm sitting there, reading something online and I constantly think "Why am I here reading this? I should be sleeping". And in doing that, in staying up late, the mismatch gathers strength. It's a vicious cycle.

That's one example but I'm realising that this is the source of all my struggles. And it's not much the fact that I am not the person I'd love to be—or that I think I am—but the fact that I don't do the things that I should be doing in order to become that person. And it fucking sucks. It sucks because I know that's going to be incredibly hard to correct that but at the same time I'm glad that at least now I know where the problem is and I can work towards a solution.