After having a wonderful holidays, I return to the burdensome second half of the semester, whereas we must do over half of our evaluations in 4 weeks. It wouldn't be so bad if it wasn't that the family PC broke down, taking away all the things I had done ahead so I wouldn't worry now. :-( It took away the first 20 pages of my thesis, which I have to present next Monday!

Now I must type down the first two chapters of my thesis, prepare a presentation about a law code, write a script and work on a two-people public speech that I must send to my partner to host a public event, all due Monday! Which happens to be my birthday...

To add insult to the injury, I spent the whole night with fever and diarrhea, so even if I wish to start working, I just can't...

I have been sad the last couple of days. The president won another presidential election, so theorically he will rule my country for 20 years. When he steps down, I will be 28! He has been the only president I remembers so a feeling of sorrow penetrates just as all hope has been drained out of me.

So, I have turned to plug myself out of news for a while, and too much time online. I spent my evenings so far either writing or watching DVDs with a video projector on a wall of my bedroom. This has indeed boosted my writing, I have realized how much time I have wasted when I still want to do so much, so, why I don't do it?

And I have tried. I'm dedicating myself more to my writing, looking around for a gym and try to live a more fulfilling life. To feel better bit by bit, and you know? Every day I find something else that cheer me up, today it was this:



So, yes. Baby steps.

So far, I'm on the countdown to start the semester, so I've been busy slacking off, Olympic-style, or have I? So far I'm...

...Reading The Hobbit by J.R.R. Tolkien and The Foundation Series by Isaac Asimov. Never had read either but both are quite a classic on its respective genres.

...Watching the first six seasons from How I Met Your Mother I know it's not the best sitcom in the world, but I find it quite sweet and interesting and far better to most sitcoms today, which seem all alike except some remarkable exceptions (30 Rock, Community, etc.)

...Writing short stories for contests. The most important one is, of course, the Spanish Tolkien Society, which has put me research about Middle-Earth as I never thought I would. To be frank, I tried to read LoTR when I was 12 and bored me, so now I'm finally seeing the carm of it, so perhaps I will give it another try.


I'm trying to administer the over dozen books and DVDs I bought in NYC, especially since my multi-regional DVD player burned down so I can't watch them now, but I read Alison Bechdel's Fun Home, which make me regret not buying the sequel when I had the chance and feeling silly buying that Monty Python DVD.

Also, there are presidential elections here this Sunday, so everyone is kinda tense about it. More on that later.

Well, in case I don't see ya soon, good afternoon, good evening and good night!

I was surprised by the variety of people on NYC. It boggles my mind that literaly thousands of souls around the world just to come here.

And at the same time, it was a labor of love. The Strand bookstore with its four floors and the cathedral-like city library is the love of the books. The Metropolitan and the Modern Art Museum is love for the culture, the history and the people and so on. You could feel each inch of land had its story recorded for generations perpetually due the love for the city that people had.

I was also surprised by the people. It felt that, for better or for worse, you could be whoever you wanted and nobody would care. I never had felt so much freedom or safety on the streets before, it was unbelievable.

It was time to explore a bit.

Because dad had to attend his sailboat, he left for two days so I had some time to wander around. He and his wife live on Chelsea, which I quickly learned was a well-off gay-friendly neighborhood. The local cinema played Rocky Horror on midnight weekends, so I felt it was an unique chance to enjoy it.

I was a bit afraid going there at first, but was deeply amused finding out most of the people there were either young adults going to see something they thought it was "edgy" or tourists like myself wanting to see what was all the fuzz about. I was both. The shadow play and the whole thing felt a bit too tourist-oriented, I expected more audience participation but I guess it was alright. Great performers.

As I mentioned before, I was curious on visiting a gay bar. I walked around a bit the area and felt that the local joints were too, well, sexualized and over-the-top.

On my way to watch the midnight screening of The Room, I happened to have a bit too much time in my hands, I ended up going to the bar next to the cinema for a beer. This is the first time I go to a bar for a beer, and just by accident it was a gay bar. It's a bit hard to tell in Chelsea since half of the businesses carry the rainbow flag at least.

I had my first beer (A Coors Light, yes, I'm ashamed as well) sitting on the bar watching TCM, tend I sat outside because the noise bothered me and I even managed to get hit on! Yes, they were around thrice my age but it felt nice to be called "cute".

It was a mixed experience, though. Both men were quite intelligent, one told he was a fine arts professor but all talk led to sex most of the time. I felt quite a glee to know someone regards me sexually attractive, even if the feeling is not mutual.

It was also the first time I visited a sex shop. In a way, I have been afraid of sex. Not about talking about sex, or seeing sex nor feeling sexual pleasure but on overtly considering myself as a sexual being. I was nervous at first, but was surprised about the camraderie and mundanity of all. The salespeople were friendly and helpful and the variety interesting. It was a very welcoming experience.

I know all of this may sound a bit silly, but I felt I broke some important barriers. I can say I felt like an adult for the first time, and just for fooling around like that but on having actual responsibilities and managing around with people like an equal. I liked adulthood and I wish more of it.

I feel, for the first time, I have something to look upon after graduation. A set, a goal, a standard of living.

I never have had a good relationship with dad. I never have lived with him and most of my childhood he was nothing but a voice on the phone whom I would talk every other week for 20 minutes and see every two or three years.

Dad's a very complicated person to deal with. He likes things to be very specific and people be straightforward. Also, he can get stubborn at times and because I don't know how to be his son and he doesn't know how to be my father, our relationship can get very awkward. He doesn't know if he should be a patronizing guide or a lighthearted cool-older-brother-type of buddy and I honestly don't know how I prefer him. I would love if he was more involved in my life but also feels at time he doesn't have the right to criticize some bits of myself, like he has done in the past with my weight and my hygene.

So I was a bit worried about spending time with him in NYC, after all, this trip was first proposed by his parents, who feel somewhat guilty of his abstent in my life. Dad's a workaholic, so last time I spent with him time in Caracas, I left a day earlier because two thirds of the time he was working and the rest he was angry due to work-related frustrations.

Nonetheless, I was actually pleased to actually see him truly happy for the first time. He got secretely married last year with his best friend, a German documentary producer, and they are truly in love. She has helped him to be more calm, centered, relaxed and organized while he helps her to be more outgoing, spontaneous and warm. They so far have worked together in over five movies and documentaries and dad himself told me "If this is marriage, I welcome it with joy."

Also, I feel for the first time I understand him. He's a man of constant action, I'm one of analysis and instrospection. Our family has a sailing tradition of sorts, so he got himself a sailboat which we went around Long Island a couple of times and when I was there, helping him, I felt truly connected with him. I understood his solitude had become a tool for survival in a foreign nation which had been something hard to shake off, that his slight bitterness was due him accepting he no longer was a young man but now finally he has come in terms with maturity and has started, with some precautions, to embrace it. I felt his guilt and impotence regarding Venezuela, our nation, but now accepting with slight resignation that place, of the Eastern Seaboard of the US of A as home. I also felt his love and his pride knowing that this person, his son, who at age 14 would only bath once a week, eat a whole bag of Doritos before going to bed and wouldn't stop talking about Legend of Zelda is finally looking like something resembling a balanced independent person.

In the last month, I feel I have done some personal growth. My stepfather didn't came to the trip to Peru, so I didn't felt as intimidated as I usually feel and, for the first time, I felt my mother needed as an adult. I had to fill the forms, sometimes go out and buy the food or exchange the currency at nights and at times waking up earlier to wake her and my little sister up. She said she was surprised, expecting to me be more of a meek, needed to be led anywhere and never taking iniciative since that's a bit of how I act in the apartment due to with mother and stepfather I tend to feel I would be overstepping their authority.

It felt like a training to NYC, as well. The first two days I was in awe: Couldn't believe how tall the buildings were, how diverse was the people, how every in Manhattan seemed to fit perfectly in such space. Also, I was surprised how everything in Manhattan felt so safe and relaxed. Due to crime and violence in Venezuela, most people are afraid walking the streets after sunset in my hometown, for example, with murder and manslaugther being the most common cause of death in the country.

The whole trip felt like life was telling me something. "There's nothing to fear here, son" My dad told to me. "You're still young, you need to explore and experiment" my cousin, who has been leaving there for 4 years, told to me. "Please, if anything, please yourself." An older gay man told me in a bar.

And you know what, that's something I learned in this trip. I deserve to be happy and happy on my own way. I like to make others happy, yes, but I must not forget also give me some space and care. I had my free two-days testing sample of what adulthood can be, when dad went for sailing 30 hours straight from Staten Island to Montauk, more of dad and new experience on a later post, though. And you know what? That adulthood feeling was great, I feel I finally have something to aspire to after college.

Hope to leave nothing out, so let's get staaarted:

* Took my first international plane. Felt a bit ashamed that Venezuela´s main airport has NO benches whatsoever unless you´re on the terminal after check-in. So, long story short: Mom and little sister slept in the airport floor.

* Culture shock: Woah! Peru was like an alternative universe Venezuela. Similar products and whole different brands. Everyone drinks mysteriously flavored vaguely Pineapple-ish Inka Cola while back home we drink mysteriously flavored but vaguely cherry-ish Kolita. Also, some things remain here while they have been phased out or almost unseen in Venezuela: Sodas in glass bottles, locales with counters made of actual wood and glass... also things are cheaper. A Big Mac is four times more expensive in Venezuela than here. But in some things they are more advanced: They have hotels with electric keys and prefer boxing and soccer than baseball and basketball. It's the same but different.

* I saw the Pacific Ocean, was unimpressed. Found out far more interesting the fact it doesn't rain in Lima. It's grey and humid due to the crash of the rainforest with the Pacific and... there are Starbucks everywhere... Oh my God! Lima is Latino Seattle!

* I visited the downtown and was in awe. Venezuela has very few old buildings and most are less than a century ago while Lima keeps buildings in pristine state from the 1600's. The presidential palace was the estate of a Conquistador, Francisco Pizarro. and even modern places like Pizza Hut are built within century-old buildings. I realized this is because Peru is very historical, it was during the Spanish Empire home of viceroys and archbishops, but from the last century or so have suffered a lot so it's mostly is a matter to work with what you have instead of wasting resources. I admire that!

* I also visited the cathedral. There, the corpe of Pizarro is buried with honors and reverence. I was surprised about how well Peruvians seem to take the whole Spanish invasion. They regard well of Conquistadors, even in an apologetic manner but are more proud of the Quechua (Incan) people. They see it as something that was bad, but already done and more as an exchange than an imposition. Or at least that was my impression.

* I visited at least three monasteries. All of them with awesome medieval libraries and catatombs full of bones, femurs and skulls. A notable one was the one where St. Martin of Porres lived. You see, St. Martin is the first American of African descent to be made a saint by the Church. I wanted to see the Museum of Inquisition so bad, but alas, it coulnd't happen.

* I also visited two anthropology museums. Expect pictures of Inca royal attire soon on Facebook. Something that surprised me is that Spaniards were actually trying to please the natives instead of killing them. They gave the Inca royalty a coat of arms and all.

* Something I have learned in this trip to Peru, other that the Ceqchua were freaking awesome, is that we tend to bounce between two poles: This person is too perfect to me and I don't deserve it or this person is flawed and I don't like it anymore.

This trip was the first time I actually sat with a stranger and flirted a bit. A woman who was doing the tours with us in Lima (We're in Cuzco now) I liked her because she had the balls to travel here alone (she's from Chile) knew a lot about colonial architecture, which is hot in my book, and had this nice girl-who-don't-care look.

We hanged around a bit, had breakfast together and I found out she's actually 38, has two children back in Santiago, owns a beauty parlor and thinks gay people shouldn't adopt. I felt I should feel bummered about it but I didn't since I felt that, for the first time, I tried and discovered it doesn't hurt half bad as one think it will when it happens. You just realize that it doesn't work and move on.

I guess the balance comes from a question you ask yourself: Can you live with the faults of this person, considering she or he lives with your own faults?

I tried again with this cute Belgian backpacker I met on the airport... if I cuold only find him again...

* I Arrived to Cuzco today, I visited the ruins of the Temple of the Sun and the Priory built atop of it (Peru has them by the bunch if you haven't notice) and visited the cathedral, it has over 100 paintings and 3 altars made out gold and silver. I also dined Cuy (guinea pig) with rice and ale. Don´t hate me for that, please.

Oh, and drank a tea made with coke leaves for entirely medical reasons. I swear!

I have met a lot of people in the US thanks to the internet, so I was thinking on perhaps taking a chance of my sporadic visit and give them a phone call to say hi. But I wonder, is this too intrusive or seems to be pointless? Lots of people feel that their online life goes here and their offline life goes, well, offline but I want to have this unique experience to actually have a conversation with some of the great people I have met around.

Mmmm.

Still pondering.

Two weeks ago my paternal grandparents returned from France, they were visiting my uncle who had a child months ago but they hadn't have the chance to meet until now.

I have never had a chance to share that much with them. My parents never married, which is not one of the reasons I have my doubts on "conventional" marriages and families but more of that in another time, so my relationship with them are mostly attempts to build a bridge.

Per usual, I ate with the Sunday before last and, unusually, the dad topic came out. Grandpa admitted he felt guilty and responsible for me not having much of a relationship with dad besides staying with him once every two years and erratic e-mail exchange and they offered me to pay me a trip to the US to spend some time with him.

In other times, I would be excited but I have had so many disappointments with trips to the US, among other things, that I have gotten a wait and see attitude. He's a nomad, but will I end up carrying the burden of him in his golden years?

I wrote him the idea of going to the US in late August/Early september and told him how much it costed and he told him it was cool, he would pay the trip himself...

...and hasn't written me back in a week after that.

Less than a month to finish the semester. I have had three or four radio booth practices, half of them sucky due to my nerviousness, shoot a horror short (written, directed and starred by yours truly about a cannibal diner), recorded a radio kiddie talk show (that also co-wrote) where I read The 3 Billygoats and the Troll. Wrote this week alone two papers: one of the Fronts of Venezuela (Amazonian, Carribean, Atlantic, Andean and Guyanese) and one on Geopolitics and National Interest for my National Security and Defense class (that take me back to high school for the Military Training class, I didn't went to military school, all high schools in Venezuela have a military training course as a class), had a presentation on Mass Setting (which I aced, since I can be both entertaining and educational and for that I want to be a professor after I graduate), doing a groupal work on the relativism of freedom and... editing an old sci-fi music with a song for a contest.

And yet, this is when I feel I need to write. Not when I'm free and relaxed, but when I feel like a boxer waiting for the next bell to ring.

Funny, isn't?