Subimago

The spirit is strong but the body is fragile...

luzardo — Sat, 19 Jan 2013 02:47:40 GMT

After having a wonderful holidays, I return to the burdensome second half of the semester, whereas we must do over half of our evaluations in 4 weeks. It wouldn't be so bad if it wasn't that the family PC broke down, taking away all the things I had done ahead so I wouldn't worry now. :-( It took away the first 20 pages of my thesis, which I have to present next Monday!

Now I must type down the first two chapters of my thesis, prepare a presentation about a law code, write a script and work on a two-people public speech that I must send to my partner to host a public event, all due Monday! Which happens to be my birthday...

To add insult to the injury, I spent the whole night with fever and diarrhea, so even if I wish to start working, I just can't...

Oh, bummer.

luzardo — Wed, 10 Oct 2012 21:33:31 GMT

I have been sad the last couple of days. The president won another presidential election, so theorically he will rule my country for 20 years. When he steps down, I will be 28! He has been the only president I remembers so a feeling of sorrow penetrates just as all hope has been drained out of me.

So, I have turned to plug myself out of news for a while, and too much time online. I spent my evenings so far either writing or watching DVDs with a video projector on a wall of my bedroom. This has indeed boosted my writing, I have realized how much time I have wasted when I still want to do so much, so, why I don't do it?

And I have tried. I'm dedicating myself more to my writing, looking around for a gym and try to live a more fulfilling life. To feel better bit by bit, and you know? Every day I find something else that cheer me up, today it was this:

So, yes. Baby steps.

What I'm up to?

luzardo — Tue, 02 Oct 2012 13:24:35 GMT

So far, I'm on the countdown to start the semester, so I've been busy slacking off, Olympic-style, or have I? So far I'm...

...Reading The Hobbit by J.R.R. Tolkien and The Foundation Series by Isaac Asimov. Never had read either but both are quite a classic on its respective genres.

...Watching the first six seasons from How I Met Your Mother I know it's not the best sitcom in the world, but I find it quite sweet and interesting and far better to most sitcoms today, which seem all alike except some remarkable exceptions (30 Rock, Community, etc.)

...Writing short stories for contests. The most important one is, of course, the Spanish Tolkien Society, which has put me research about Middle-Earth as I never thought I would. To be frank, I tried to read LoTR when I was 12 and bored me, so now I'm finally seeing the carm of it, so perhaps I will give it another try.

I'm trying to administer the over dozen books and DVDs I bought in NYC, especially since my multi-regional DVD player burned down so I can't watch them now, but I read Alison Bechdel's Fun Home, which make me regret not buying the sequel when I had the chance and feeling silly buying that Monty Python DVD.

Also, there are presidential elections here this Sunday, so everyone is kinda tense about it. More on that later.

Well, in case I don't see ya soon, good afternoon, good evening and good night!

First time in NYC...

luzardo — Mon, 24 Sep 2012 05:28:05 GMT

I was surprised by the variety of people on NYC. It boggles my mind that literaly thousands of souls around the world just to come here.

And at the same time, it was a labor of love. The Strand bookstore with its four floors and the cathedral-like city library is the love of the books. The Metropolitan and the Modern Art Museum is love for the culture, the history and the people and so on. You could feel each inch of land had its story recorded for generations perpetually due the love for the city that people had.

I was also surprised by the people. It felt that, for better or for worse, you could be whoever you wanted and nobody would care. I never had felt so much freedom or safety on the streets before, it was unbelievable.

It was time to explore a bit.

Because dad had to attend his sailboat, he left for two days so I had some time to wander around. He and his wife live on Chelsea, which I quickly learned was a well-off gay-friendly neighborhood. The local cinema played Rocky Horror on midnight weekends, so I felt it was an unique chance to enjoy it.

I was a bit afraid going there at first, but was deeply amused finding out most of the people there were either young adults going to see something they thought it was "edgy" or tourists like myself wanting to see what was all the fuzz about. I was both. The shadow play and the whole thing felt a bit too tourist-oriented, I expected more audience participation but I guess it was alright. Great performers.

As I mentioned before, I was curious on visiting a gay bar. I walked around a bit the area and felt that the local joints were too, well, sexualized and over-the-top.

On my way to watch the midnight screening of The Room, I happened to have a bit too much time in my hands, I ended up going to the bar next to the cinema for a beer. This is the first time I go to a bar for a beer, and just by accident it was a gay bar. It's a bit hard to tell in Chelsea since half of the businesses carry the rainbow flag at least.

I had my first beer (A Coors Light, yes, I'm ashamed as well) sitting on the bar watching TCM, tend I sat outside because the noise bothered me and I even managed to get hit on! Yes, they were around thrice my age but it felt nice to be called "cute".

It was a mixed experience, though. Both men were quite intelligent, one told he was a fine arts professor but all talk led to sex most of the time. I felt quite a glee to know someone regards me sexually attractive, even if the feeling is not mutual.

It was also the first time I visited a sex shop. In a way, I have been afraid of sex. Not about talking about sex, or seeing sex nor feeling sexual pleasure but on overtly considering myself as a sexual being. I was nervous at first, but was surprised about the camraderie and mundanity of all. The salespeople were friendly and helpful and the variety interesting. It was a very welcoming experience.

I know all of this may sound a bit silly, but I felt I broke some important barriers. I can say I felt like an adult for the first time, and just for fooling around like that but on having actual responsibilities and managing around with people like an equal. I liked adulthood and I wish more of it.

I feel, for the first time, I have something to look upon after graduation. A set, a goal, a standard of living.

Dad

luzardo — Sat, 08 Sep 2012 06:27:06 GMT

I never have had a good relationship with dad. I never have lived with him and most of my childhood he was nothing but a voice on the phone whom I would talk every other week for 20 minutes and see every two or three years.

Dad's a very complicated person to deal with. He likes things to be very specific and people be straightforward. Also, he can get stubborn at times and because I don't know how to be his son and he doesn't know how to be my father, our relationship can get very awkward. He doesn't know if he should be a patronizing guide or a lighthearted cool-older-brother-type of buddy and I honestly don't know how I prefer him. I would love if he was more involved in my life but also feels at time he doesn't have the right to criticize some bits of myself, like he has done in the past with my weight and my hygene.

So I was a bit worried about spending time with him in NYC, after all, this trip was first proposed by his parents, who feel somewhat guilty of his abstent in my life. Dad's a workaholic, so last time I spent with him time in Caracas, I left a day earlier because two thirds of the time he was working and the rest he was angry due to work-related frustrations.

Nonetheless, I was actually pleased to actually see him truly happy for the first time. He got secretely married last year with his best friend, a German documentary producer, and they are truly in love. She has helped him to be more calm, centered, relaxed and organized while he helps her to be more outgoing, spontaneous and warm. They so far have worked together in over five movies and documentaries and dad himself told me "If this is marriage, I welcome it with joy."

Also, I feel for the first time I understand him. He's a man of constant action, I'm one of analysis and instrospection. Our family has a sailing tradition of sorts, so he got himself a sailboat which we went around Long Island a couple of times and when I was there, helping him, I felt truly connected with him. I understood his solitude had become a tool for survival in a foreign nation which had been something hard to shake off, that his slight bitterness was due him accepting he no longer was a young man but now finally he has come in terms with maturity and has started, with some precautions, to embrace it. I felt his guilt and impotence regarding Venezuela, our nation, but now accepting with slight resignation that place, of the Eastern Seaboard of the US of A as home. I also felt his love and his pride knowing that this person, his son, who at age 14 would only bath once a week, eat a whole bag of Doritos before going to bed and wouldn't stop talking about Legend of Zelda is finally looking like something resembling a balanced independent person.

Going abroad: Seeking meaning

luzardo — Sat, 01 Sep 2012 15:39:50 GMT

In the last month, I feel I have done some personal growth. My stepfather didn't came to the trip to Peru, so I didn't felt as intimidated as I usually feel and, for the first time, I felt my mother needed as an adult. I had to fill the forms, sometimes go out and buy the food or exchange the currency at nights and at times waking up earlier to wake her and my little sister up. She said she was surprised, expecting to me be more of a meek, needed to be led anywhere and never taking iniciative since that's a bit of how I act in the apartment due to with mother and stepfather I tend to feel I would be overstepping their authority.

It felt like a training to NYC, as well. The first two days I was in awe: Couldn't believe how tall the buildings were, how diverse was the people, how every in Manhattan seemed to fit perfectly in such space. Also, I was surprised how everything in Manhattan felt so safe and relaxed. Due to crime and violence in Venezuela, most people are afraid walking the streets after sunset in my hometown, for example, with murder and manslaugther being the most common cause of death in the country.

The whole trip felt like life was telling me something. "There's nothing to fear here, son" My dad told to me. "You're still young, you need to explore and experiment" my cousin, who has been leaving there for 4 years, told to me. "Please, if anything, please yourself." An older gay man told me in a bar.

And you know what, that's something I learned in this trip. I deserve to be happy and happy on my own way. I like to make others happy, yes, but I must not forget also give me some space and care. I had my free two-days testing sample of what adulthood can be, when dad went for sailing 30 hours straight from Staten Island to Montauk, more of dad and new experience on a later post, though. And you know what? That adulthood feeling was great, I feel I finally have something to aspire to after college.

Peru update

luzardo — Mon, 13 Aug 2012 01:48:05 GMT

Hope to leave nothing out, so let's get staaarted:

* Took my first international plane. Felt a bit ashamed that Venezuela´s main airport has NO benches whatsoever unless you´re on the terminal after check-in. So, long story short: Mom and little sister slept in the airport floor.

* Culture shock: Woah! Peru was like an alternative universe Venezuela. Similar products and whole different brands. Everyone drinks mysteriously flavored vaguely Pineapple-ish Inka Cola while back home we drink mysteriously flavored but vaguely cherry-ish Kolita. Also, some things remain here while they have been phased out or almost unseen in Venezuela: Sodas in glass bottles, locales with counters made of actual wood and glass... also things are cheaper. A Big Mac is four times more expensive in Venezuela than here. But in some things they are more advanced: They have hotels with electric keys and prefer boxing and soccer than baseball and basketball. It's the same but different.

* I saw the Pacific Ocean, was unimpressed. Found out far more interesting the fact it doesn't rain in Lima. It's grey and humid due to the crash of the rainforest with the Pacific and... there are Starbucks everywhere... Oh my God! Lima is Latino Seattle!

* I visited the downtown and was in awe. Venezuela has very few old buildings and most are less than a century ago while Lima keeps buildings in pristine state from the 1600's. The presidential palace was the estate of a Conquistador, Francisco Pizarro. and even modern places like Pizza Hut are built within century-old buildings. I realized this is because Peru is very historical, it was during the Spanish Empire home of viceroys and archbishops, but from the last century or so have suffered a lot so it's mostly is a matter to work with what you have instead of wasting resources. I admire that!

* I also visited the cathedral. There, the corpe of Pizarro is buried with honors and reverence. I was surprised about how well Peruvians seem to take the whole Spanish invasion. They regard well of Conquistadors, even in an apologetic manner but are more proud of the Quechua (Incan) people. They see it as something that was bad, but already done and more as an exchange than an imposition. Or at least that was my impression.

* I visited at least three monasteries. All of them with awesome medieval libraries and catatombs full of bones, femurs and skulls. A notable one was the one where St. Martin of Porres lived. You see, St. Martin is the first American of African descent to be made a saint by the Church. I wanted to see the Museum of Inquisition so bad, but alas, it coulnd't happen.

* I also visited two anthropology museums. Expect pictures of Inca royal attire soon on Facebook. Something that surprised me is that Spaniards were actually trying to please the natives instead of killing them. They gave the Inca royalty a coat of arms and all.

* Something I have learned in this trip to Peru, other that the Ceqchua were freaking awesome, is that we tend to bounce between two poles: This person is too perfect to me and I don't deserve it or this person is flawed and I don't like it anymore.

This trip was the first time I actually sat with a stranger and flirted a bit. A woman who was doing the tours with us in Lima (We're in Cuzco now) I liked her because she had the balls to travel here alone (she's from Chile) knew a lot about colonial architecture, which is hot in my book, and had this nice girl-who-don't-care look.

We hanged around a bit, had breakfast together and I found out she's actually 38, has two children back in Santiago, owns a beauty parlor and thinks gay people shouldn't adopt. I felt I should feel bummered about it but I didn't since I felt that, for the first time, I tried and discovered it doesn't hurt half bad as one think it will when it happens. You just realize that it doesn't work and move on.

I guess the balance comes from a question you ask yourself: Can you live with the faults of this person, considering she or he lives with your own faults?

I tried again with this cute Belgian backpacker I met on the airport... if I cuold only find him again...

* I Arrived to Cuzco today, I visited the ruins of the Temple of the Sun and the Priory built atop of it (Peru has them by the bunch if you haven't notice) and visited the cathedral, it has over 100 paintings and 3 altars made out gold and silver. I also dined Cuy (guinea pig) with rice and ale. Don´t hate me for that, please.

Oh, and drank a tea made with coke leaves for entirely medical reasons. I swear!

A long distance idea

luzardo — Sun, 05 Aug 2012 04:38:37 GMT

I have met a lot of people in the US thanks to the internet, so I was thinking on perhaps taking a chance of my sporadic visit and give them a phone call to say hi. But I wonder, is this too intrusive or seems to be pointless? Lots of people feel that their online life goes here and their offline life goes, well, offline but I want to have this unique experience to actually have a conversation with some of the great people I have met around.

Mmmm.

Still pondering.

Familia

luzardo — Mon, 16 Jul 2012 20:20:26 GMT

Two weeks ago my paternal grandparents returned from France, they were visiting my uncle who had a child months ago but they hadn't have the chance to meet until now.

I have never had a chance to share that much with them. My parents never married, which is not one of the reasons I have my doubts on "conventional" marriages and families but more of that in another time, so my relationship with them are mostly attempts to build a bridge.

Per usual, I ate with the Sunday before last and, unusually, the dad topic came out. Grandpa admitted he felt guilty and responsible for me not having much of a relationship with dad besides staying with him once every two years and erratic e-mail exchange and they offered me to pay me a trip to the US to spend some time with him.

In other times, I would be excited but I have had so many disappointments with trips to the US, among other things, that I have gotten a wait and see attitude. He's a nomad, but will I end up carrying the burden of him in his golden years?

I wrote him the idea of going to the US in late August/Early september and told him how much it costed and he told him it was cool, he would pay the trip himself...

...and hasn't written me back in a week after that.

It came from the seventh semester...!

luzardo — Sat, 30 Jun 2012 21:40:32 GMT

Less than a month to finish the semester. I have had three or four radio booth practices, half of them sucky due to my nerviousness, shoot a horror short (written, directed and starred by yours truly about a cannibal diner), recorded a radio kiddie talk show (that also co-wrote) where I read The 3 Billygoats and the Troll. Wrote this week alone two papers: one of the Fronts of Venezuela (Amazonian, Carribean, Atlantic, Andean and Guyanese) and one on Geopolitics and National Interest for my National Security and Defense class (that take me back to high school for the Military Training class, I didn't went to military school, all high schools in Venezuela have a military training course as a class), had a presentation on Mass Setting (which I aced, since I can be both entertaining and educational and for that I want to be a professor after I graduate), doing a groupal work on the relativism of freedom and... editing an old sci-fi music with a song for a contest.

And yet, this is when I feel I need to write. Not when I'm free and relaxed, but when I feel like a boxer waiting for the next bell to ring.

Funny, isn't?

Facing stepfather

luzardo — Sun, 20 May 2012 18:13:08 GMT

You see, I met this girl last week and she left me breathless. Turns out said girl is the campus psychiatrist, whom may be leaving her job and just teach due to the new laws that may mean they should pay her extra hours (they cut down working hours) but she says she will do it without getting paid because she cares. See? She's that awesome.

The other night I had a dream. She was telling me I need to be more proactive and that my lack of decision in life was due my fear of rejection and I always tried to rationalize the other person's point of view for this very same reason. This has led some curious things.

I was thinking on telling mom about my bisexuality. She has continued on her talk about homosexuality. Apparently she believes, thanks for her job in social services, that being gay develops for being molested as a child and that some people manage to "overcome it" with lots of will. So yeah, we will need to work that one out seriously.

Something I did that makes me feel proud on doing my part for the LGBT is helping cartoonist Erika Moen to translate his comic sheet on being Queer: http://erikamoen.com/comics/queer/ to Spanish. It came out of the blue since I asked her if there was a Spanish translation and asked me if I wanted to do it.

One a more serious note, last night, for the first time, I stood up against my stepfather when he was on his usual tirade against mom. Every now and then he gets drunk, goes out 'til midnight and comes home to give mom "a piece of his mind", punches and property damage are optional.

I never act since I know that's a problem but when he forces my 7 years old little sister to watch then it's MY problem. The issues between mom and him are their issues, but they when they drag little sister it's a whole different matter. At the end, though, little sister returned with them and even when he wanted to punch me, he didn't. Just warning me about "staying in my business" and mom telling me to calm down, to let him, that he would leave (something I have heard a hundred times before...) while I told her to leave, that I would face my consequences on my own. I'm an adult now and I did it with my sound mind and spirit.

It felt cathartic, like if for the first time I could control my life but at the same time, it felt like I feel most of my life. Like a long and boring movie that I watch that every now and then needs audience participation.

One of the guys?

luzardo — Mon, 14 May 2012 05:01:57 GMT

I know I will eventually find someone but sometimes it's dispairing. I feel myself different, not just sexually but socially from those who I consider my best friends within my classmates.

We went across the state border to visit a classmate of ours who lives on the very big state capital across the border and, as usual, when they talk about life stuff I just sit quietly. But I felt more of an outsider than usual. They talk about sports, about the local music they hear, about fighting after classes in high school and drinking 'til passing out and of course, they would talk of women like creatures impossible to understand but always needed for pleasure and a part of me felt they that talk they was somewhat childish and very much not my cup of tea but another part of me yearned that male companionship. You know, being one of the guys. Something I have never being and I don't know how to feel about it.

I remember a moment when I was listening to music on my iPod and of them told me to better listen to learn a thing or two and I said that well, better learn something about life and they told me that's not how one learns about life. One learns about life not on second-hand stories but by living it.

This is something I have felt for a while but feel more and more as years pass. The preocupation that I'm not living my life.

A quick one!

luzardo — Fri, 11 May 2012 07:14:32 GMT

*Recovering quite well.
*Also, got into walking more and eating better. Finally getting under the 250 pounds in years!
*College's great. This semester we're doing lots of creative stuff, including a horror short feature. Really excited putting my creativity into this one!
*Seeing Carmen again. She has a boyfriend (Buddy). I'm happy for her but would be lying if I wasn't jealous, especially how gleefully she tells me all the things she does with her very submissive boyfriend. I smile but feel a bit broken on the inside.
*Dad apparently bought himself a sailboat and a house in the US. I don't know if I feel more hurt for the fact he didn't tell me right away or the prospect of finally settling over there.
*I'm now a columnist on an arsty webzine! It's small and not very known but it feels great to write regularly something I love (cinema!) and getting myself known and more importantly, read. For the first time I actually feel a writer.
*I saw Angels in America last month and thought it was the most beautiful and captivating narrative I have seen in ages. It was really reflective and frank on topics such as religion, sexuality and mankind without feeling single-minded or preachy. I mean, I always feel every time LGTB and religion is brought up is usually done in a rather simplistic way.
*Things with mom are... odd. I think she thinks I'm gay and in denial and is trying to deal with that. I wish I could talk with her more openly about it, but when they ask you "Are you a homo?" You just want to end the whole conversation and be left alone.

So we have come to this: my first meme.

luzardo — Wed, 02 May 2012 02:56:45 GMT

1. Are you right-handed or left-handed?
Left-handed.

2. Have you ever had anything removed from your body?
Blood and flesh.

3. What is the last heavy item you lifted?
Mmm. A grocery bag.

4. Have you ever been knocked unconscious?
Once I flashed out due to low blood pressure. Not sure if counts.

************BULLCRAPOLOGY**************

1. If it were possible, would you want to know the day you were going to die?
Yes.

2. If you could change your name, what would you change it to?
Don't see the point.

3. Would you drink an entire bottle of hot sauce for $1000?
I have eaten wasabi on a day, so what do you think?

***********FOODOLOGY***************

1. What is your salad dressing of choice?
No idea. I really don't eat as much salads as I should. What type of dressing Ceasar salads have?

2. What is your favorite sit-down restaurant?
I don't really go out to compare much, but I like this Syrian place at downtown.

3. What food could you eat every day for two weeks and not get sick of?
I don't know. I like variety. Alternating between different contrast of flavors. I Can't spend an entire day eating salty nor sweet. If I have to choose, I would say pistacchio.

4. What are your pizza toppings of choice?
Anchovies and olives.

5. What do you like to put on your toast?
I don't like toasts.

***********TECHNOLOGY***************

1. How many televisions are in your house?
Four. One in each bedroom and one in the living room.

2. What color mobile phone do you have?
Golden and silver.

3. How many computers are in your house?
At the moment, one. Hope to get a new laptop at the end of the year.

4. Have any idea how many Megahertz your computer has?
I don't have one at the moment.

************DUMBOLOGY******************

1. How many pairs of flip flops do you own?
None. I have exactly one pair of sandals to use around the house and that's it.

2. Last time you had a run-in with the cops?
The one time I was shot on the leg due to a stray bullet.

3. Last person you talked to?
Mom.

4. Last person you hugged?
Can't remember. Probably lil sis earlier today.

**************FAVORITOLOGY****************

1. Season?
I live in the tropics. I have only lived wet and dry seasons. Both have their pros and their cons.

2. Holiday?
Christmas. I know, it's cliché, but truly feels like the only time in the year where some people make a truce.

3. Day of the week?
Friday. It has that mix of work and liberation that is hard not to like.

4. Month?
I'm partial to every month.

***********CURRENTOLOGY*****************

1. Missing someone?
Dad

2. Mood?
A bit overwhelmed thinking on things to do.

3. What are you listening to?
The AC.

4. Watching?
The monitor.

***************RANDOMOLOGY*****************

1. First place you went this morning?
Bathroom. I tend to pee and brush my teeth as soon as I wake up.

2. What's the last movie you saw?
Pirates! I thought it was a nice funny way to spend an afternoon.

3. Do you smile often?
I think not. But I have been described as "not very emotional" and "overly emotional", so I'm not sure.

***************OTHER-OLOGY*****************

1. Do you always answer your phone?
Yes.

2. It's four in the morning and you get a text message, who is it?
Carmen telling me in middle of the night she misses me.

3. If you could change your eye colour what would it be?
I don't see the point.

4. What flavour do you add to your drink at Sonic?
Is that a restaurant?

5. Do you own a digital camera?
No.

6. Have you ever had a pet fish?
No, they gave us one once when we visited the local UCV faculty but I traded mine for a worm, which I threw to to the garden.

7. Favourite Christmas song(s):
Some traditional Venezuelan ones.

8. What's on your wish list for your birthday?
I really never ask for things. But some books and DVDs I have in mind would be nice.

9. Can you do push ups?
Not even in my best physical stage I have managed to do at least one.

10. Can you do a chin up?
Same as above. I have weak arms.

11. Does the future make you more nervous or excited?
Nervous, horrified even.

12. Do you have any saved texts?
Always. I'm too lazy to delete them.

13. Ever been in a car wreck?
Thanks heaven no.

14. Do you have an accent?
I have been told that unlike many Venezuelans, who speak fast and then not to pronounce letters at the end of the sentences, I speak slow, clear if somewhat forced manner giving intonation to much of my sentences unless I'm otherwise upset, angry or excited.

I have been told that I have an odd accent in English, since I don't have where to practice my spoken English and tend to have most of my knowledge reading rather than speaking.

15. What is the last song to make you cry?
I have never cried with a song. I tend not to hear the lyrics.

16. Plans tonight?
Watching Carnivale on Cinemax. Perhaps having a canned soup for dinner, or some Corn Flakes.

17. Have you ever felt like you hit rock bottom?
No, since I always find out there's a long way to hit it.

18. Name 3 things you bought yesterday?
Movie ticket. Mineral water. Cab fare.

19. Have you ever been given roses?
I have never given anyone roses.

20. Current worry?
Need to re-edit an article for the webzine I'm writing about cinema.

21. Current hate right now?
Not really. Some disdains that come and gone, but they are hardly current.

22. Met someone who changed your life?
Everyone changes your life in a way or the other.

23. How will you bring in the New Year?
As usual, with family. With which members, I don't know.

24. What song represents you?
"Nowhere Man" by The Beatles.

25. Name three people who might complete this?
I think I don't have that many readers! Ha!

26. Would you go back in time if you were given the chance?
Why?

27. Have you ever dated someone longer than a year?
I have never dated.

28. Does anyone love you?
Yes. Relatives and friends.

29. Ever had someone sing to you?
No.

30. When did you last cry?
Every now and then I cry before sleeping. I think I did that twice last week.

31. Do you like to cuddle?
Not really. I feel it gets tired quite quickly.

32. Have you held hands with anyone today?
No. I don't tend to except helping children crossing the streets, etc.

33. Are most of the friends in your life new or old?
I would say some point in between. After all, how can one exactly compare old and new? 5 years? 50 years?

34. Do you like pulpy orange juice?
No. I like that goes in smoothly.

35. Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Possibly teaching at the same college I assist. They have hinted me they would like seeing me teaching. Probably trying to get my hopefully finished novel published in the US.

Trying new things...

luzardo — Wed, 25 Apr 2012 04:51:58 GMT

So, it has been a couple of weird days. After going on and off in a chat for young adult gay and bi males I finally managed to be constant there but I still am hesitant to share personal data. But I feel good, I wanted to give it a go to my attraction to males and any previous attempts at doing so sadly nearly ended up in off-putting creepy older males perusing around.

Cinemax Latin America is showing Angels in America this week at midnight. I saw the first two episodes last night and I was blown away. I feel that, in many ways, it put words and ideas to things I failed to define. I specially feel related to Joe Pitt, the gay mormon. I feel numb most of the time, I feel driven away in life instead of taking choices and stances since it's too risky, since it's too defining and I don't know what to define. I know I am me, but I don't know how I am. Who I am.

Oh, and mom asked me today if I was attracted to men. I lied and told her no since I felt she said it in a rather accusing manner and she obviously doesn't know how to deal with it. She told me she had nothing against gays and she know some very smart ones, she implied being molested as a child as a cause, that she guesses families end up getting used to it, etc. It all boils down to her finding some shocking porn on my browsing history. Ever since then we use different browsers.

Too much to digest in so short time, especially with the semester starting and still recovering from a surgery.

Responsibility

luzardo — Sun, 15 Apr 2012 23:32:47 GMT

Tomorrow the semester starts and I don't know if I should. The doctor saya its alright but I still feal somewhat weak and wound drains every now and then.

Complications (Warning: icky post)

luzardo — Mon, 26 Mar 2012 21:59:13 GMT

So, remember that this week I was going to have a surgery? Well, something came up. Something not good.

See, because of my condition I need to have an extra hole where my previous stitches were. It's really small and it just to avoid to have the pus making little tunnels trying to get out, and oddity of this whole was that some of my farts could come out there.

This is not good, not good at all and I found out that today.

Apparently my rectum may be rippled. Tomorrow I will go to the doctor's and he shall see. I had to do some college paperwork today for the next semester. He will see if it's serious or not. If it's serious, then, more exams and a a colonoscopy.

Best case escenario: surgery is only one day late. Just an extra set of stitches.

Worst case escenario: rectum reconstruction. Will have to suspend the semester and poop with a tube and a bag.

So yeah, that's about it.

Lil Sis

luzardo — Wed, 21 Mar 2012 00:34:44 GMT

I love little sister, I truly do but I feel bad at our current situation.

Firstly, I'm her half-brother, and was mostly raised by grandparents since mom was usually working. Dad, meanwhile, was studying abroad. I didn't meet him until I was 5 or so and our relationship have had its own pitfulls, but I disgress.

Things between mom and grandma were always strained. You see, grandma didn't aprove mom's boyfriend, a cop. So they had many fights about it, with me in middle more often than not, so I learned to simply "synch out" and hide any shred of feelings or opinions about it. This, I believe, among suspicions of depression, has given me a bit lacking of will to do anything but just find a corner, watch some TV and be comfortable.

Anyway, mom and her boyfriend, which I shall call stepdad even if they're not married, had a daughter after they settle. Mom was happy at first, but now (she's 7) I see a bit of disappointment she didn't result just like me. Stepdad also turned out to be a major asshole with entitlement and inferiority issues who feels trapped in a stable home life and once every month goes out back to the slums to visit his family, gets drunk and comes home and becomes violent and/or pukes and falls asleep. Mom doesn't do anything to this situation since, well, she works at family court as a prosecutor and feels her work would be jeopardize because of this.

He already has 3 or 4 other daughters with different women, one of them, aged 15, ran away with a man twice her age. He's not a family man so he only knows how to deal with little sister by ordering her around or some rough games. Mom, on the other hand, feels the only way to compansate all her time in the office or taking care grandma is giving her treats and when she's not obeying her she yells and beats her around as well.

I try to be different. I try to watch cartoons with her, helping her with her homework (mom neglected to take her a complete week in a row most of the time on first gade and it shows a bit on the second, especially reading and writing) and all around try to reason with her but sometimes I lost it and today I lost it real bad. We went out the entire afternoon and bought her some chocolate and shared pistaccio (she adores pistaccio) and bought some school supplies for a diorama assignment and played some Wii but when I told her I was tired she protested a bit and struggle my way to the computer. While I was online she did some mess with baby powder and tried to throw away the baby powder vase and when I checked it out what she was doing, she protested and got real aggresive saying how we were over her, I lost it not because she was doing something bad but because she was trying to turn the tables and get away with it and I slapped her on her arm repeatedly. Then, she blocked my way to the computer chair and I was still enraged and tried to ask her again and again to please move but she was unresponsive, simply blocking the way to the chair so I did it, again.

She didn't want to move again, so I tried to explain her about being stubborn and how this affected our confidence. Unlike her parents, I try as much as I can to treat her like an equal but she said she didn't want to hear me. So I went to my bedroom and let her alone. There, she started to leave all the toys I have given her on her birthday, Christmas, etc. I stood up, and told her to leave me alone please, so I returned to the continue and she continued to block my way to the chair. Since slapping her in her arms obviously had nil effect on her, I did something I never did before and I, for God's sake, hope to never do again: I smacked her ass and she left me alone screaming how much she wanted to die, how much she hated mom for loving me more than hers and so on.

Now as I write this, she's watching TV every now and then going to the kitchen to shake the cans and bags as a protest for me not making popcorns and I refuse to make her any food as a type of punishment for her behavior.

I have tried, believe I have. But I also have to deal with college and my illness (I'm due on surgery next week) is not easy to help a child to do her homework and play with her more or less on daily basis. I feel mom has kinda given up on her or channels her issues with stepdad with her, for the last week she has done nothing but yelling at her to do stuff, she puts her from school to an afternoon day care not directly dealing with her most of the time and considers her a bit "insane", to much of my offense. Stepdad is emotionally distant and it worries me what affect has on her. She has managed to stay afloat on an average grade for the second grade, but she have had a history of getting into fights more than once, not being allowed to stand on her own convictions against other kids and obviously has some emotional issues going on (mood swings, trying to attract attention or fit in, acting lightly or indifferently when her parents fight, throwing stuff around when she doesn't get what she wants, etc.)

What can I do? I mean, I have tried to establish a rating system this week to keep her steady at school with the big prize being a new Wii game, but obviously this is not enough.

My latest geek out: When Juan and Tula went to Siritinga.

luzardo — Sun, 18 Mar 2012 23:49:46 GMT

Cuando Juan Y Tula Fueron A Siritinga (Lit. When Juan And Tula Went To Siritinga) is a Spanish radio series mixing elements of science fiction, fantasy, adventure and far too much Lampshade Hanging and Geek humor and Shout Outsto take itself too seriously.

The story follows Juan from Olarcos, a centuries-old dowser with the body of a child from the Eastern Empire located in the Gemini constellation brought to the desert planet of Siritinga along with Tula, a jackal-woman from Salaquarim who shares a mind bond with Juan and is pretty much his protector.

Siritinga is a desert planet located between two galactic empires: The Eastern Empire and the Western Empire. Most of their inhabitants live in the Great Gorge of Siritinga, a crescent-shaped opening told to have been created when the dragon Flamynbaar got burned by Tingar, the blue sun of Siritinga and maintained by the mole-like Viborx. Siritinga is ruled by El-Jormaz from Saralham, a powerful warrior brought to bring order after a bloody conflict between the local chieftains creating the disruption of the then-ruling organization of The Three-Port Council.

El-Jormaz is the one who has called Juan and Tula, since mysterious quakes and water scarcity may disrupt the delicate balance and bring ruin to Siritinga.

Meanwhile, the male narrator, who seems to start narrating with funny or overdramatic voices tends to get easily distracted by the sassy and snarky comments of the female narrator, making hilariously hard to continue the story. Will they manage to be in check before the God of Radio Serials leave them without a job?

Political intrigue, sword and sorcery, airships and galactic empires, meta humor and nerdy references.

First of all, I have to say is, why don't wee see more of this? It's full of elements we have seen before (Insectoid Queens, Orcish Race, Merchants' Guilds, Airships, Gender-morphing humans, sorcerers with child-like body and half-animal warriors) nonetheless it does it with such gusto and imagination that really enthralls you and make you feel there. This is something new where adventure and mystery lies around the corner. A sense of wonder, that's it. It brings you that sense of wonder we all have as a child before we can see the patterns in plots and the tropes in tales. It does have tropes, lots of them, but we most remember they're tools and a knife can cut and a hammer can hammer but both can get used to built a boring little birdhouse or the Louvre.

It's all how they are used.

From the nest city of the Alcotán Guard (they're bird people who work as the Siritinga law enforcement) to airship captain Moona Tirrel, one of the most powerful people in Siritinga who like all the Atar-Tingar (the closest thing to humans around) her gender changes any of the twenty seasons Siritinga has due to the planet's erratic spinning it's all haunting.

Nonetheless, it falls from some shortcomings: Sometimes the Meta-humor and geek references overshadows the world-building and undermine the seriousness of the story. It's not that its bad, its uneven. It feels it has a plot too complicated to simply be a comedy and the humor feels too distracting from the plot instead of being part of it. Also, I think the format (10 minutes-long episode weeky) may have also affected it since it makes difficult to really maintain the audience up and coming. Nonetheless, for me, it's a gem on that small but memorable mention in the Spanish Language Science Fiction and Fantasy.

Surgery next week

luzardo — Fri, 16 Mar 2012 03:48:40 GMT

So, as you know, I had a surgery last year for a cyst, which sadly returned and now, a year later, or to be more exact next Thursday, I will have the very same procedure. This time, though, doctor said he might end up leaving the wound open so no flesh pocket can create a cyst again, either way. I'm a bit scared, which is weird since I was pretty much normal the first around.

I guess the idea of having to this again and, if it doesn't work out, again and again seems unbearable.

Women's Day, Mother-Whore dichotomy and Objectification

luzardo — Sat, 10 Mar 2012 21:22:01 GMT

So, this week around the world International Women's Day was celebrated, or as a friend of mine, you know who, pointed out, if it was really looking for justice it we would be commemorating Gender Equality Day.

It was the first time I noticed how abstent this day is on US people, while everyone I know from Latin America mentioned, though most of them within several degrees of banality, I only got some silence from the English-speaking side of my social networks. I wonder if this is one of the things lots from the first world seem to take for granted with "Sure, US state representative Terry England compared women with farm animals when talking about abortion, but at least we're not forced to wear veils" You see, a dog with three legs may walk better than one with only two legs, but that doesn't mean a dog with three legs is perfection.

At the same time, I want to talk about objectification here. You see, at least from the side of the government, lots of talk were focused how much women are reduced to nothing more but sultry sex animals who care nothing but to please men thanks to capitalism but at the same time, they were objectifying women on a more classical way: the idea of women as nurturing mothers and falls on the other side of the coin of the machismo: the marianismo. The idea of women as spiritually stronger and more pure than mere filthy men. This was especially obvious when a television host from an government-biased feminist TV show was thanking having changed her TV schedule to the evening since "now it gives a chance to women to watch it after making house choirs". I mean, I felt so insulting just give it as a fact women doing house choirs. Ugh.

This is the good old Mother-Whore dichotomy. Women are either pure or filthy. What a load of lies. The sad true, though, is that everything and everyone can be objectified. In the last decade we have seen the rise of ass-kicking action women on movies, but, as the awful SX-Fest of Sucker Punch showed us with their bombastic blandness, these characters show as little personality as the girlfriend's hero in a 1950's horror movie.

Not shown in the movie, a personality.

But wait, did you know men could be objectfied as well? While women are trapped on and on in ideals to society, society also pleases with men trapped on peer pressure whereas for every impossibly-looking Helen of Troy lies an equally implausable Achilles beating his enemies with the ease of others of crushing flies. For every good-looking happy housewife there's a calm and wise man of the house. For every hot cheerleader, there's a impossibly cool fratboy. These are not people, these are standards and reflections of our own insecurities, these are Supermen and Wonder Women of unreachable perfection.

At the end, we're all human beings with their respective complexities and deserve to have and give respect to our fellow human beings about what they are and about what and what they want. Don't forget this, especially the writers reading this since its your and my duty to reflect characters with their needed depth so, perhaps, sooner than later, we truly can celebrate gender equality.

Eating, praying, studying

luzardo — Thu, 01 Mar 2012 14:46:54 GMT

"Entrad por la puerta estrecha: porque el camino que lleva a perdición es ancho y espacioso; y los que van por él, son muchos." Mateo 7:13.

So, it's that time of the year again. Lent. Last time I tried to read a bit of the Bible everyday, but due to grandpa's illness and demise, I simply had no time. Now I was doing some fasting with mom, but since a dietist sent me a very strict diet that divides food in five small meals through the day. I can't do that, so I'm thinking on returning to finally know what happens on that mysterious mountain trip with Abraham and Isaac.

The diet pretty much consist of eating small portions of nutritious meal during the whole day. Breakfast gets reduced to a glass of yogurt or a bowl of Corn Flakes. No cooking oil, no bananas, limited red meat, walking four times a week for an hour. I honestly doubt I can do it. Especially since I'm somewhat suspcious of this dietist since she sends the same sheet of paper with more or less the diet to everyone.

Also, I flunked a subject. First time I don't pass anything since math on high school, numbers are just too abstract to me. It mostly happened because of some complications with the group for the final project. Now for the next three weeks I will be doing summer school since not passing this subject cripples me half of the next semester. What really hurts me though, is feeling that I've disappointed my professors since me, the boy star, not passing a subject is something that causes an uproar to the faculty staff. I think it can all be summed up by what the professor who taught me that subject told me: You're smart, you're well-behaved, why the hell happened to you, boy?

Now I wonder that, what the hell happened to me?

I feel that I tend to ace most of my subjects but the only thing that I do to raising the expecations imposed on me. This leads to a point, call it the Peter Principle if you want to, where one reaches a challange that can overcome and due to the expecations created the failure is bigger and hurts more. This really makes mediocrity tempting, but I can't be mediocre. That's not who I am.

In this crash course, we're meant to create a newspaper or magazine to an institution. A classmate of mine that was in my group during the semester already made contact with some regional athletic institution while a girl doing the subject trying to flash forwarding some regular semester subject wanted to do so about an organization who helps the homeless. I feel bad since I voted and insisted on doing so with the athletic institution because since they already have a press department and said classmate works for them we pretty much have half of the work done. That's the easy road. She wanted to start from square one, to make an entire magazine in two and a half week with budget, advertising and a workshop members to continue keep it going. That's the hard work. I know that in another time I would have gone with the homeless right away, but feeling so jaded and frustrated with the apathy and small-mindedness of campus, both from staff and students. I do wonder, am I becoming apathetic and mediocre? I'm heading to the wide road that leads to destruction?

The Internet

luzardo — Sat, 25 Feb 2012 05:33:37 GMT

I adore the internet, I've met great people, made most of my friendships and evolved as a person in many ways thanks to it but we can't deny its a tool and not diminish other tools for it. It's like the NASA pen story again, sometimes its better to use a pencil.

I don't have a smartphone, dad gave me a brand new iPhone and I sold it. I don't have a tablet nor a GPS, and haven't feel the need to buy a Blu-Ray and when I have to record TV, I tend to use a VCR. I don't have a need to connect all the time nor I feel I miss anything if I, for example, am not on-line most of my day.

I don't tend to download books, only because I have many books on paper I seldom have time to read. So why add fuel to the fire? I download music and have far more music I will need to ever listen, so I don't want the same happens with my books and more or less is happening to my DVD collection. If something's good, it will come, I will hear it. It will find me.

The internet is part of my life, but it's not my entire life because I know that can easily be as such and I don't let it. There's a problem with too much knowledge, our minds can only allow a certain amount of it so we either overly specialize on something we care or overly generalize our knowledge. I'm not saying it was not like that in the past, but its becoming worse.

Babysteps...

luzardo — Wed, 22 Feb 2012 18:59:04 GMT

After finishing the semester I decided to not shave for a while, so after three weeks without shaving I simply had to since I usually get a strange rash where body hair accumulates sweat.

And it's not just my face either, I tend to get this also a bit in my chest and behind my ears. My barber says its quite common for fair-skinned Mediterraneans to have this due to the heat, humidity and the excess of body hair.

Anyway, so while I was shaving I looked down my chest, said whatever and decided to shave and you know what? It feels so much hygienic and smooth and I think I will prefer it that way from now on.

I feel since I didn't grew up with dad and grandpa, may he rest his soul, really didn't care much except a haircut, shaving and some cologne and deororant, I'm generally unsure how to deal with all these "body issues". It's not secret I'm not happy with my body and dad really doesn't improve my self-esteem reminding me to shower twice a day, usually a different towel for my face, stop biting my nails, to not eat anything with flour after 8 pm and all that jazz. I know I need to improve but that makes me doesn't make me feel that I need, that makes me feel I'm crap.

Oh well, counting my first attempt to openly approaching a LGTB establishment two weeks ago and shaving my chest I guess I'm evolving bit by bit.

Mishima and me

luzardo — Sun, 19 Feb 2012 22:14:54 GMT

When I was 10 years old, as many of my generation were, I was fascinated by Japanese culture by the ways of Pokemon and others from the Animé boom of the late 90's. It was then when I discovered A&E was going to present three movies about Japan: Kurosawa's Dreams, Spielberg's Empire of the Sun and Mishima: A Life in Four Chapters.

Needless to say, I was enthralled by Mishima and readily felt identified with the first chapter. As the Yukio Mishima presented in the movie, I was a meekly outcast as a child, quite shy and silent but with a vivid mind, a voracious mind wanting to know more, wanting to create things and imagining things I couldn't even describe.

Though I have grown older and know better and see Mishima the man in a less romantic manner the struggle, his struggle, the struggle of any writer continues to lives on. The fight between word and action, how we shape the world with our ideas and, at the same time, thought and acting feel so alien among each other.

I write not to please others but because I think and when I think, I have a need to plaster the idea, the web, on this world. To make it a reality, I'm no different than that autistic Frenchman who made Urville, an imaginary city that only exists in his ideas and his drawings.

But again, at times, due to how we see the world, something objective, in a such subjective manner. Is there such a thing as objective? Does anything exist outside our minds? Perhaps I'm dwelling in sci-fi solipsism too much...