Getting Back To Life

~ Lauren ~ 31 Comments

Not wanting to only think about the CCC (crazy, crappy, and crummy) things going on in my life, my family’s lives, my state, my country, and the world, I thought I’d try to blog again.

I planned to start Jan 1. As you can see, I was unsuccessful. But, rather than throw in the towel, I decided to jump in tonight. I’ve never been one to try and compete with others. But I am an expert at being hard on myself. 

I am eager to see 2024 go away in the shadows.
However, I am petrified of what the next four years will do to the country I love. 
I am distressed about the lives of the hostages in Israel and the never ending fighting.
I am anxious about the possibility of my cancer returning.
I am troubled about the constant killing of guiltless people in schools, on the streets, and in the houses of G-d.
I am frightened for the future of my grandchildren.
I am depressed about the lawless people who hurt others by stealing, damaging, and scamming innocent people.
I am saddened by the loss of family members last year.

Many days lately, have been a struggle to not dwell in the overall sorrow. I realize I have much to be grateful for. I work every day on finding joy.

I am grateful that I was able to share Hanukkah with my Z’s and my daughter.
I am grateful that when I saw Z1 and Z3 they wanted my mac and cheese for dinner. (Even though they had eaten right before coming over.)
I am grateful that when my daughter and grandson came another night of Hanukkah, they loved what I made for dinner. We had matzo ball soup, tacos, and potato latkes. (I never said we were normal.)
I am grateful that my family loved my matzo ball soup so much, that they had it again for breakfast the next morning.
I am grateful that my tribe sent me gifts to open each night of Hanukkah. It’s not about the gifts, but it is about the love they extend to me. One night my friend sent me a gratitude journal, and my cousin sent me a Hanukkah pen. They don’t know each other, but many of their gifts fit together.
I am grateful for the warm days interspersed with the cold ones, allowing my hands a temporary reprieve from the painful arthritis.
I am grateful that my broken toe from a week ago did not break all the way through, thus meaning no surgery.
Gratefully, wearing the support shoe is not terrible.
I am grateful that the dog bite I endured last month has totally healed.
I am grateful that my PET scan in November didn’t show any current cancer.
I am grateful that my oncologist worked with my pulmonologist to come up with a plan.
I don’t look forward to the lung biopsy in three days, but I am very grateful for doctors who look out for my health and welfare.
I am grateful that my grandson had left Bourbon Street just a short time before the terrorist attack.
I am grateful for the respiratory therapy I am receiving post my exacerbated COPD event.
I am grateful that I am still experiencing my chemo curls. They bring me joy.
I am grateful that on New Year’s Eve, Annie was on her bed in my sewing room. The noise from my sewing drowned out the fireworks. (Of course, giving her a dog CBD gummy helped too.)
I am grateful for my sewing machine cooperating with me. I spent hours and hours over numerous days and nights joyfully sewing away.
I am grateful that I was able to stream Wicked and 6 triple 8 over Hanukkah. Both movies were great.
I am grateful that in a few weeks I should be cleared to go back to my water physical therapy and my gym physical therapy.
I am grateful that I was finally able to get back to working in my garden.
I am grateful that I planted bulbs in the front yard so that this spring when they appear, I will be full of joy
I am grateful that I thinned out some trees my dear friend gave me when she moved out of California. Now I have a whole row of the thin trees adorning my front yard.
I am grateful that I did scrapbooking for numerous days.
I am grateful that I can drive now without my toe killing me.
I am grateful for dark chocolate, which my oncologist says is OK. (in moderation)
I am grateful that my credit card company contacted me right away when someone stole my number and tried to illegally use my card for crazy purchases.
I am grateful that my spouse is soon getting the damage fixed on his car, caused  by a hit and run truck driver when he was at a hotel on the way to his mother’s funeral.
I am grateful that I finally purchased a new toaster oven with the gift cards my dear friend gave me. Now, I need to learn how to use all the bells and whistles it came with.
I am grateful that I have been getting more sleep than usual. If I wake up in the middle of the night and can’t go back to sleep. I use my time productively. Then after feeding Annie at 6 AM and playing with her, I go back to sleep.
I am grateful that some friends want to get together once the biopsy is over and I am able to drive. I miss everyone so much.
I am grateful that I continue to purge things from my house and garage.
I am grateful for my friend who was coming over and teaching me yoga once a week. Hopefully, I will be well enough to do that again soon.
I am grateful for Amazon. When I am unable to go out and about, it has been a lifesaver.
I am grateful for my cataract surgery that went so well months ago. I can actually see well enough to drive at night.
I am grateful for audio books. I can comprehend what I am listening to and still do other things when I have the energy.
I am grateful for Starbucks. I have the powdered chocolate mix at home and when I need a hot chocolate fix when out, I treat myself. Annie loves their free Pup Cup too.
I am grateful for the membership I have in two ovarian cancer support groups. Of course, it always hurts when someone passes. But the encouragement and information provided by fellow survivors is immeasurable.
I am grateful for the blogging world. I read numerous blogs that come to my email feed. I look forward to being more involved.

 

A Heartbreaking Memory

~ Lauren ~ 7 Comments

“Nearly 3,000 people were killed when hijacked jetliners crashed into the World Trade Center, the Pentagon and a field in Pennsylvania on September 11, 2001.”

How is it that that horrible memory from so long ago, still hurts my heart? I can remember the events like they were yesterday.

I have always been an early riser. My typical morning those many years ago, was to get up before 6 a.m. with no alarm. I would turn on the TV and catch the news before my 5 minute drive to work. I couldn’t believe what I was seeing. A plane had crashed into one of the towers.

I was shocked and grief stricken. I started to cry. I finished dressing and went to school. It was no surprise that I was the first one on campus. I turned on the TV in my classroom, and watched as more horrors appeared on the screen. I watched as the second tower was also attacked. It was all so surreal.

I went to the front office to see if anyone else had arrived. For awhile I was the only one there. The phone was ringing off the hook. Frightened parents wanted to know if they should send their kids to school. I had no idea what to say to them. Luckily, when the front office arrived, they had spoken to the principal. I stayed and helped answer calls until more of the office personnel arrived.

The justifiably frightened parents, were told that it was their choice as to whether or not to send their children. School would remain open unless the district notified us differently. We are close enough to Los Angeles to be concered about a west coast attack.

It was an awful day. The worst day I have ever spent teaching. I was teaching 6th grade science. We were advised to keep things as low key as possible. I answered some questions that I could, and then tried to deflect others.

If my memory serves me, I ended up putting on a cartoon science video. It was all I could do to not spend the day sobbing. About half the kids in each period did not show up. If parents were able, they kept their kids home with them.

My lunch period was spent alone watching the news. I went home right after school and cried nonstop. I had never, and have never personally experienced this level of grief. It was overwhelming. My spouse and I watched story after story of heroes who helped as much as they could.

We live in the flight path of LAX. Hearing the planes has always been a welcoming experience. They don’t fly low enough to be a bother.  Not hearing the planes was more than eery, it was a constant reminder of a horrific day. I could hardly wait for the return of the comforting plane noises overhead.

In 2002, my school had a memorial assembly on September 11. We had emotional songs and speeches as well as a terrific picture of all the students. We continued to have 911 assemblies. It was a huge topic of conversation when we reached the point that our current students weren’t even born at the time of the attack.

For quite some time post 911, our country seemed united in caring about each other. I wish I could say that is what is happening now. This day is still difficult for me. The sad memories are part of my DNA.

I pray that I will never bear witness to such a horrific act again.

Stepping Back In

~ Lauren ~ 37 Comments

Maggie inspired me to get back to blogging. I enjoyed her reentry post very much.

I too have been dealing with a lot for the last months. My family experienced a terrible tragedy early in the year, followed by numerous sad events. I am supposed to keep as much stress out of my life as possible. Yeah, well, I’ve not been successful at that.

There’s been a few medical glitches for me. Luckily, my last PET scan showed that I am still NED. ( No evidence of disease) Every night I thank the universe for letting me have a good day. Even if it is a painful day, waking up on the right side of the dirt is a big win.

I am doing my best to stay healthy. I do water physical therapy two days a week, gym physical therapy once a week, once a week I work with a physical therapist, I see an acupuncturist or massage therapist every Thursday, and I work in my garden between 10 and 15 hours a week. My mornings are filled every day of the week. I find joy doing things that help me stay strong.

It’s been crazy hot here. Because we are having temperatures over 100 degrees F, I go outside and work in the garden at 5:30 a.m. or after 9 p.m. I’m sure my neighbor’s think I’m crazy, but I don’t care. Grounding brings me joy.

Almost every afternoon I need to nap. grateful fatigue is currently my worst side effect of the chemo meds. I listen to my body and don’t stress about needing to rest. I’ve learned to not make afternoon appts if I can help it. My OC support group shares about many side effects that I am grateful that I am not dealing with.

Every night I list my gratitudes. I’m grateful that I’m still beating the odds and not dealing with a recurrence. I am grateful for Annie being my constant companion. I am grateful for friends who care about me. I am grateful for family that love me. I am grateful that I find joy every day.

I miss the blogging community. Our interactions made me happy. I want to get back to this joyful activity. I look forward to more time reading and writing blogs.

Reaching For My New Normal

~ Lauren ~ 34 Comments

I was bound and determined to blog yesterday, Obviously, I didn’t make it though. So tonight I have the option of putting away a load of crud strewn around my living room, or blog. I am choosing to blog. At least enough to dip my toes back in the water.

I’ve been in an emotional upheaval for months. Between very serious issues my loved ones are dealing with, my personal challenges, and the horrors going on in the world, life has been hard. For quite awhile, I’ve felt very fragile. When more issues crossed my path than I could handle, I’d isolate and repeat the serenity prayer over and over again.   

Sadly, the world is still a s^^t show. I can do very little but donate to help those suffering in Israel. I have family that were visiting Israel for a wedding when the terrorist attacks began. They made it home safe and sound. (Thank G-d) I was forwarded videos of events going on while they were still there. I chose to watch them because I knew I could not handle it.

Unhappily, most of the dreadful things that my loved ones have been dealing with, are still not resolved. My heart hurts daily. 

I am doing well physically. I am still NED. (No Evidence of Disease) In a few weeks, I will have another CT scan and MRI to check on my insides. I do have anxiety about the scans, commonly called scanxiety. Every time I need to go, I wonder what I’ll hear.   

It’s been a year since my cancer surgery. As promised by my oncologist, at the one year mark, I am noticing that I have more physical energy. I can accomplish more than one task a day now. I am trying my best to do at least one creative thing a day. My new normal is much better than it was even a few months ago.   

Today, I went in search of a journal. I want to get back to writing daily as a means of keeping track of my thoughts and wellness. I was unsuccessful in finding one I liked. I thought about just writing in a spiral notebook, but that doesn’t seem like the best choice either. I think the best thing for me will be to type up an outline and then get it printed. Who knows? 

I look forward to getting back to the wonderful community I miss so much.