I think my life is about to turn into a shoujo manga..
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Tonight I shall be turning on the broken light~

Merry Christmas everyone! If you don't celebrate that, then happy holidays/non-holidays to you! I bring the gift of hot Korean boys singing in Japanese. Someone on my FB list posted this and it's been stuck in my head for a good three days. Their choreography is awesome. It makes me miss dance class. For real. Enjoy~

Redid my profile and layout, and by redid I mean I just got rid of all the tenipuri stuff. Not that I don't like tenipuri, it was just too cluttered. For the layout I just yoinked one from premade_ljs since my design skills are craptastic. Ruito is still adorable as hell, but it was time for change.

I feel like I should update this more often, but I don't really have much to say. It was one thing when I was in college or actually got invited to do things, but seeing as how I spend most of my days with me, myself, the internet, and the history/science/discovery channel, I'm about as exciting as wall spackle. Maybe I'll do an introspective into my head or something and really scare people away, because honestly, I probably should have had some sort of therapy. As for now, I think I'm going to get my ass ready for bed since I feel tired as hell despite getting plenty of sleep last night.

I would have completely forgotten had I not had to click my profile for something, but this is a monumental day I suppose. Ten years ago today I made this journal. According to the stats, I've made 1258 entries not including this one, posted 2388 comments and received 2058. I'm kind of tempted to go back and read every entry chronicling the past 10 years of my life, but that would take a long ass time and I'm not sure I want to read how I went from a bright eyed, bushy tailed 18 year old going off to college to the bitter and jaded person I am now. It'll probably just depress me. Soooo yeah. Happy birthday LJ.

Aside from that, I've been on a Korean drama kick. I went to a site with the intention of possibly watching Garo (awesome J-drama) again, and there was a giant picture in the background for City Hunter. I had vaguely heard about it and that it was pretty good, so I downloaded it. It was awesome. I don't know how close it is to the original manga since I've never read it, but it was an excellent interpretation. Nice balance of action, drama, suspense, and sap. I watched all 20 eps in less than a week. I'm hoping they do a special of some kind since the ending made me go, "WTF That's it?!?!?! You go through all of that and you can't even shake hands or something?!" Then I realized that the final episode had only aired about a week and a half before I watched it so there's still hope.

Hope, unfortunately, didn't exist for the next one I watched. A Love to Kill looked like it had a decent plot, and Rain is never bad to look at, so I gave it a go. It made me angry. The lead female annoyed me to no end; spoiled, overprivileged, whiny, clingy, and kind of psychotic. She gets progressively worse as the eps go on. Despite all that, I trudged through it, mostly because I wanted to see her character completely ruined, but the ending was trite and cliched. Ugh. So I watched the Speed Racer movie to wash the bad taste out of my mouth and listen to Rain's engrishy lines and see him in a dress. XD It's a pretty good movie if you haven't seen it. Definitely keeps the campiness of the original cartoon and it's colorful as hell. It's like the Wachowski Brothers crapped a rainbow on to the movie. Fun shit.

I'm watching this now. Don't really have much of an opinion on it yet since I'm only on the third episode, but it seems ok. One glaring difference I've noticed between K and J dramas is the scenes where any sort of intimacy is required. The Koreans actually put some feeling into it, especially kissing scenes. It's actually believable and doesn't look like two half dead fish touching lips with one another. I'm just going to chock it up to cultural differences. And since I'm on a circles and lines kick, have a catchy song I found while randomly clicking stuff on youtube. Off to make cookies now. Later~

Tron Legacy comes out on DVD April 5th! Yay! Now to decide if I want the 4 disc special edition and get the first movie separately, the 5 disc edition with the first movie included, or the 5 disc edition with the bad ass super special cool identity disc packaging and the first movie. Oh Disney you sure as hell know how to get money out of people and tap into my inner consumer whore. It's not that I really need the blu-ray edition since I don't have a player, but I'm sure I will eventually and you bundle the standard DVD with it anyway, so better to plan ahead right? :3

My poster also still isn't here yet. I'm about ready to stab the UK post. I've gotten my necklace charm and the batteries I ordered which came from Taiwan and China respectively already, and I ordered them after the poster. UK post, I am disappoint.

It's 2011. It's time for change. This year, the phoenix will rise.

Longer entry later.

Contradictions. Don't we all love them. On one hand, I wouldn't mind something happening, but on the other, it might be better if it didn't to save myself from a potential breakdown depending on what I may or may not hear. Arg.

but Pandora can be just as psychic as winamp sometimes. Such a pretty song. Listen below.

Pale - Within Temptation

The world seems not the same
Though I know nothing has changed
It's all my state of mind
I can't leave it all behind
I have to stand up to be stronger

I have to try
To break free
From the thoughts in my mind
Use the time that I have
I can say goodbye
Have to make it right
Have to fight
'Cause I know in the end it's worthwhile
That the pain that I feel slowly fades away
It will be all right

I know
I should realize
Time is precious
It is worthwhile
Despite how I feel inside
Have to trust it'll be alright
Have to stand up to be stronger

Oh, this night is too long
Have no strength to go on
No more pain I'm floating away

Through the mist I see the face
Of an angel, calls my name
I remember you're the reason I have to stay



Turned on Pandora after I got home from Columbus and that was one of the songs that came up. I'd heard it plenty of times before, but never payed much attention to the lyrics. Kinda hit home with everything that's been going on. I thought I was getting better, but seeing him on AIM and people from school commenting/liking his few posts on facebook gave me a bit of a relapse. He did comment on a post I made about a TV show we both watch and liked my update about going to Columbus, so at least he hasn't blocked me from his feed. It's piddly trivial stuff, but it matters to me. The AIM thing probably bothers me the most. I'd always have a message within a minute of him getting on, and now all I can do is look at my list and see him on. No one to talk to, no one to say goodnight to. I want to ask how class is going, how the people in his program are, if his professors are cool or not, but I told him I wouldn't bug him and I have to stick to that. I just wonder if he's distancing himself from me because it's hard on him or if he just doesn't care. Again more questions I won't have an answer for.

At least I got a decent distraction last weekend by going to Columbus for Arnell's birthday. In a bizarre twist of fate, I wound up carpooling with Leslie, his ex. She asked if people wanted to carpool and I said sure since I didn't really feel like driving by myself and it ended up just being the two of us on the way there since the others had to pull out. I'll admit it was a tad weird, especially going to Brighton and not going to Paul's. We did drive very close to his house and that was a bit painful, but I held it together. It's kind of funny I guess; her and I went to Chicago after she broke up with Paul, and now her and I go to Columbus after Paul breaks up with me. It makes me feel like a huge hypocrite though. I kind of felt like I had to live up to their relationship since he felt so strongly about her and I wanted that for myself, so when he told me he wanted to try being friends with her again I expressed my dislike and asked him to drop the issue and he complied. It was incredibly selfish of me and I'd do everything I could to take it back. I had no right to say that and I feel like I'm slapping him in the face and the last thing I want to do is make him hate me.

Despite all of this, I really did have a good time. We were so busy there wasn't any time to think of the bad stuff and get sad. I got to hang out with people I hadn't seen in awhile, met a few new people, drank too much and spent too much, but sometimes you have to do that. It was nice to know that a few people do give a damn about me.

Blarg. I hate having brains that feel like scrambled eggs. Vomiting all my thoughts here helps since I can't really do that on facebook, though I've just decided to say fuck it and leave this entry public. Read it, laugh at me, pity me, think I'm a psycho, obsessed, pathetic, I really don't care. There's enough misconceptions about me that they all start to blend together after awhile. I think I'm going to go make some tea now because Ohio gave me the plague. If you have a Teavana near you and you like tea, you owe it to yourself to check it out. It's pricey, snobby, boutique tea, but soooo good. Later~

9 hours from now he's leaving. Had I known I wasn't going to get to see him one more time, I wouldn't have left his house so early last weekend. I don't really know how to feel. Part of me is angry that he didn't want to see me one more time and another part wants to curl up in a ball and cry till I can't cry anymore. I didn't get to say all of what I wanted to say in person, so I guess a text will have to suffice, as cowardly as that may seem. I'll admit I'm scared of the answer, but I need to know if these past nearly six years weren't just a one sided thing and that he came to love me even just a little bit. I tried to be a good girlfriend, I really did, but sometimes I feel I wasn't good enough. Then again, I have issues with that; not being good enough. I know it's ok to make mistakes along the way, but if I don't get some sort of recognition in the end I feel like a failure. Not being able to go with him makes me feel that way too, but it's not all about me. He's following his dreams and making the necessary sacrifices he needs to in order to achieve that dream. I wish I had the courage to do that, but I'm so much more cowardly than I let on. Perhaps this will do good to disrupt the stagnancy in my life. I do need to find a real job and gtfo this house. Maybe I'll just completely lose it, get my passport, and move to Japan to teach English or something. I've already considered it before and there's so little I can do with my degree, I need some kind of alternative. This entry is starting to get way too random so I think I'll end it now and update again when my brain feels less like scrambled eggs. Right now, I have a lot of whiskey to drink.

Looks like Paul's leaving either Sunday or Monday. Incoming emoness. You've been warned.