9 hours from now he's leaving. Had I known I wasn't going to get to see him one more time, I wouldn't have left his house so early last weekend. I don't really know how to feel. Part of me is angry that he didn't want to see me one more time and another part wants to curl up in a ball and cry till I can't cry anymore. I didn't get to say all of what I wanted to say in person, so I guess a text will have to suffice, as cowardly as that may seem. I'll admit I'm scared of the answer, but I need to know if these past nearly six years weren't just a one sided thing and that he came to love me even just a little bit. I tried to be a good girlfriend, I really did, but sometimes I feel I wasn't good enough. Then again, I have issues with that; not being good enough. I know it's ok to make mistakes along the way, but if I don't get some sort of recognition in the end I feel like a failure. Not being able to go with him makes me feel that way too, but it's not all about me. He's following his dreams and making the necessary sacrifices he needs to in order to achieve that dream. I wish I had the courage to do that, but I'm so much more cowardly than I let on. Perhaps this will do good to disrupt the stagnancy in my life. I do need to find a real job and gtfo this house. Maybe I'll just completely lose it, get my passport, and move to Japan to teach English or something. I've already considered it before and there's so little I can do with my degree, I need some kind of alternative. This entry is starting to get way too random so I think I'll end it now and update again when my brain feels less like scrambled eggs. Right now, I have a lot of whiskey to drink.