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Hoo boy [03 May 2013|10:30am]
The Very Complex Project floating around work finally got assigned. I have been wondering what poor person would get handed this and where would they ever find the time to do it. I found out the first part, I have met this person and it is me.
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Why does this list matter? [17 Dec 2009|09:57am]


Plus



Plus

Movies:
- X-Men Origins: Wolverine (Single-Disc Edition)
- UP
- Monsters vs. Aliens/B.O.B.'s Big Break in Monster 3D: Ginormous Double Pack
- Coby TFDVD7008 7-Inch Portable DVD/CD/MP3 Player, Black
- Sony Mdr-222Kd/Blk Childrens Headphones (Black)

Gaming:
- Lego Rock Band
- Scooby Doo! First Frights
- Xbox 360 Controller

Books:
- The Purple Balloon

Toys:
- Infant Stim-Mobile

The items matter, because this Christmas, some little boy or girl, or even a teenager is going to receive one of the above at Johns Hopkins Children Center in one of their pediatric units. Yep, there are some children right now who just don't get to be at home with their tree and the cat and the menorah or whatever holiday traditions we all grew up with. Instead they are recovering in the pediatric oncology ward or one of the other places where modern medicine is trying to let them grow up and discover their own traditions.

I have been in hospital, and it is boring, or worse, lonely.

So on behalf of you, our friends, Diane and I sent these items via a very nice gamer oriented charity called Child's Play (at Pennyarcade.com) over to the hospital, where everything was selected by the hospital as being relevant to their holiday payload.

The toys will arrive in time, so maybe a bit of the holidays might be there for some young ones who aren't having a very healthy life right now. The infant Stim-Mobile just about made me cry thinking about the fact that there are some infants who are spending time there and not home where they belong.

So.

Equals

Happy Holidays to all of you.
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This just in [29 Oct 2009|02:35pm]


Cannibal pumpkin! Koob colored the smaller pumpkin for a school project.
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Hail fellow traveler, and well met [13 Apr 2009|08:51am]



This guy, Dave, invented the whole idea of a role playing world. An idea so cool, and so different and amazing that, as a long standing member of the Guy Club, I had to take his Blackmoor apart to see how it worked. I then decided to make my own version.

Sic TransitCollapse )
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Being for the benefit of Mr. Kite... [20 Dec 2008|04:37pm]
...there will be some gifts tonight...

In years past we've given livestock. This year we decided to go with our gamer roots and give games instead. We participated in Penny Arcade's Child's Play charity, and the following went to the Johns Hopkins Children's Center in Baltimore:

Books
Little Tree: A Story for Children With Serious Medical Illness
Snoozers : 7 Short Short Bedtime Stories for Lively Little Kids

Toys
Hasbro Playskool Busy Beads Pal
50 PC Race Car Set - Metal Plastic Die Cast Cars

Console Games stuff
Xbox 360 Wireless Controller
Xbox 360 Quick Charge Kit
Lego Indiana Jones: The Original Adventures
Dora the Explorer: Journey to the Purple Planet

DVDs
The Spiderwick Chronicles (Widescreen Edition)
Kung Fu Panda
Speed Racer (Widescreen Edition)

I think the kids will enjoy these more than ednoria and I did picking them out, but just barely. Happy New Year, everybody!
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Happy Holidays Everyone [19 Dec 2008|12:24pm]


Photo courtesy of Kyle Cassidy.
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Denoument [01 Dec 2008|11:18am]
(part 8)

Al told everyone to get off the phone and to listen up, which we rarely did (the getting of off the phone part). He was calm, he looked like he was going to tell us all a this great joke. He smilingly explained that the President of the company, Paul Michelin had been on a Delta Airlines flight that had made a very rough landing a year or so back. (Note that all aircraft manage to reach the ground, sometimes with bad results). Paul Michelin had been injured and had then taken Delta to court, along with a few other passengers in a class action suit. Wow.

Now Delta was all fired up about the lawsuit and had been digging around trying to get some dirt on him and this whole Florida Comptroller thing was simply the result of this. It was a ploy, in effect, to get our President to drop his lawsuit. That's all. Ok, everyone back to work. It sounded completely authoritative and true. Al was completely convincing. Whew. So that was it.

I watched Al tell us this great explanation, and there was only one thing wrong with the whole spiel. Al was a stockbroker, and worse, so was Paul Michelin and I. We were therefore professional liars. Al had just sold us on this story. I didn't believe it because godammit the Florida Comptrollers weren't just going to fabricate this stuff and, and there were all these other slightly bent things, OK? I MEAN COLLECTIVELY THIS WAS REALLY STINKING, EVEN THOUGH EACH AND EVERY LITTLE STEP LOOKED JUST FINE.

When I realized that this story might not be the complete truth or even partial the next thought that came into my brain was what all the other things I had heard Al say that I had thought were true? Dammit, we were all liars.

I worked there and regardless of my intentions, I was part of it. I could stay or leave. I was numb and freaked. I was definitely feeling like I did not want to to do something sudden but what were my options?

First, even if the story was legit, I did not want to get hung up in a maybe problem, I did not trust the company line on this and ergo, I did not trust the company. Secondly was the feeling like I was selling snake oil to people who did not need snake oil and worse, snake oil recipients at least had a useful bottle after they were screwed. We didn't even have leave them bottles.

My clients wouldn't have jack if something slipped in this, this scam.

What I was doing was making my brain hurt and my heart hurt. I had established that I would do something that had become odious to me, for a price, just like one of those high priced call girls getting pawed by my coworkers while they eyed the coke rails - it was still bad money for something I had decided perhaps way to late, was wrong.

Maybe in future, if I could just stop caring about this, I could become one of those people who slept at night again, having excised the parts of myself that mattered, at least to me, and just roll over the uninformed and gullible, like the scumbag broker did all the time. He was a happy broker. I didn’t want to sell any more.

I wanted to not avoid looking into mirrors. I shoved all my stuff into my fancy goddamned broker leather briefcase and locked it.

I had hated being unemployed, hated being broke all the time and goddamn it, I was probably going to the altar next month as the Jobless Groom with Zero Prospects (roll Dickens theme) and move into my new apartment as a total liability. Terrific. My hands were shaking. I wasn't mad at anyone, I was just in the grip of some real loathing.

This next bit seems like a digression, but it really isn't.

When I was in college the year or two before all this happened, I was in a production titled "The Persecution and Assassination of Jean-Paul Marat As Performed by the Inmates of the Asylum of Charenton Under the Direction of the Marquis De Sade." I had the part of Duperret, a kind of comedic singing sex maniac role. Seriously.

Pre production workshops included the entire huge cast being in this large room for 2-4 hours at a time, in character, since the play itself proceeds without acts.

The inmates, nuns and asylum guards were all crabbed together for significant periods to learn just how the food chain worked amongst us. Sounds great, right? Except that after one or two workshops the fellow students who were playing the roles of asylum guards had to be pulled aside by the director and talked to. Why?

See, the guards had these little rubber truncheons and they all wore a sort of uniform and they were roughing up the inmates, i.e. other students just a bit too much. Sounds kind of like the Stanford Prison experiment, doesn't it? Perfectly ordinary people gradually becoming something different. This is how we generate brutal cops, careless retirement home employees, avaricious salespeople and fill in the blanks. You don't start out like this. So there is my tiny excuse. Philosophizing is done.

I walked into Al's office, which overlooked Merriweather Post Pavilion. I told him about how the explanation was not gelling, and how unhappy I was, and had been. I wanted to feel like the stocks were going to be an investment for our clients and not a shell game and it wasn't going to happen for them, ever. Al was very professional, he asked me to calm down a bit and he listened very attentively to a long winded and probably vague series of words, when I ground to a halt he said he understood and accepted my resignation without any notice. I thought I was quitting. Resignation? Fine.

I would like to write that I said something pithy and eloquent but I didn't. I was in a serious funk. In fact I cannot remember what I said.

Al walked out to the elevators with me and shook my hand, wishing me well. Al was a very sincere person, and quite likable. Al also relieved me of my book, which had all the data on my clients since, as I had been his assistant and all, they were really his clients now. Fine. I couldn't even call these folks to tell them. Shit. I still feel bad about this. Hindsight being all laser resolution, I should have duped the info and sat down and called every one of them. It certainly might have helped with the still extant guilt I have about them (I still have bad dreams about them). I got on the elevator.

As the elevator descended, about nine thousand tons just lifted off of my back. The feeling was completely unexpected. Here I was, unemployed, no benefits to speak of, about to be married and wearing a brand new gray suit with a $100 dollar hand painted tie. I remember it was silk and what I called Broker Red, i.e. it could direct air traffic. The tie had these little embossed boomerangs on it, Feragamo or something. I took it off and dropped it into a wastecan in the lobby as I walked out past the receptionist.

I had just screwed myself but I felt, well, not great, but certainly better.

Here is what happened to ALL of the clients of Michelin & Company after I left, approximately a month or two later.

Bear Stearns dropped Michelin & Company like a hot potato in the wake of the "allegations", so the company had to clear their own trades (i.e. brokers could no longer connect Bear Stearns to their sales pitch). Then, Michelin & Company was bought by another company. That company decided to stop being a market maker in the former stocks. All the brokers could choose to work with the new company or leave. Some left, some didn't.

The stocks tanked with no market makers to support buying pressure, which cost a whole bunch of people everything they had put into them. B the former mechanic stayed on and told me about this later. I called him (I still had a zillion billion business cards) and he told me about it. what a mess. He said the new management had called our stuff "Whomarewe" stocks. If the company didn't sell them, and no one bought them, then whom are we kidding?

Here is what happened to Paul Michelin after I left, and thank you Google.

" From 1983 to 1987, Mr. Michelin was a principal of Michelin & Company, Inc., a brokerage firm. In 1986 and 1987, certain allegations were made against Mr. Michelin and Michelin & Company, Inc. with respect to non-compliance with certain state and NASD regulations.

Mr. Michelin has advised management that the foregoing claims were totally without merit. Nevertheless, he chose to pay certain fines in order to avoid the expenditure of substantial time and money in litigation.

The Company made a determination to cease business and elected not to pay the fine to the NASD in view of the fact that the only penalty for non-payment would be the suspension of its business, which the Company had determined to cease. "

Caveat Emptor.
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Florida [26 Nov 2008|08:29am]
(part 7)
Some number months after I became a broker the weirdness got really going strong. I got a letter one evening in my roach infested apartment. I never got mail.

[Oh what a tangled web, in the winter I could just see this place from the Big House's back porch years and years later.]

The envelope was pink. At first I thought it was some coupons or an ad, but it looked very Legal. An IRS audit? Noooo, the address was from Tallahassee, Florida. What the hell was this? I opened it up. The letterhead was from the Florida State Comptrollers Office. State Comptrollers regulated financial stuff at the state level.

According to Fla/Comp/Off, apparently the company I worked for had been selling some allegedly phony or suspect securities in Florida and now the State Comptroller and the Attorney General were digging around in their records and stuff. It further informed me that if I had sold stock to anyone in the Sunshine State and it turned out that they had lost money on that phony stock or stocks I could be subjected to recission. We had covered that in the Series 7 class, but I grabbed a study book off my shelf and double checked the word just in case.

Rescission is the unwinding of a transaction. This is done to bring the parties, as far as possible, back to the position in which they were before they entered into a contract i.e. the "status quo ante".

Rescission also meant that the unwinding came out of my pocket. Yow. Also, some of the nagging worries and heretofore uncomfirmed fears I had been developing (along with the stress tic in my left eyelid) were morphing together in this letter.

Why was Florida doing this? Was I a criminal? What did Florida know about my employer, and of course the immediate thought was did I have any Florida clients, I had rather a lot of clients. All of our client records were held in these medium sized notebooks, called, "books". You could look at someone's book and see if they were good, or had been around a while, it was like having the fifty-mission crush on your Air Corps hat. You kept your book under lock and key, or with you, period.

I was visualizing the Florida Comptrollers Office as kind of like the Eliot Ness team, only for white collar criminals instead of mobsters or bootleggers. They would bust in wearing Disney shirts bearing subpoenas and clipboards. People would get arrested and fined. Holy SHIT. I threw on a power suit and tie and put the letter in my briefcase. Shit shit ohshit.

I was spooked, and it was the spook of a thousand smaller boos followed by the biggest boo of all, Jail. I needed someone to ask about this (i.e. give me a rational explanation), and so I arrived at work a bit early, despite the snow. T, the assistant manager was in, so I went into his office, closed the door and held up the letter. He said it was all bullshiyit and to not worry about it in this fahn Jo-jah good ole boy drawl.

Didn't the Florida Comptroller’s Office mean anything to him? He stared at me for a few seconds and said if I didn't like it, I could just kwee-yit. Ah, thanks a million for the rational response.

I went back to my desk. Our desks were arrayed four to a grey carpeted plinth. On said plinth was the NASD terminal. I spent my days looking at the back of someone's head, or a terminal. We were arrayed like sailors heaving up an anchor chain, except there were about 7 little four person crosses and not one big spoked wheel. We could sit anywhere we liked if we got there first. What heady freedom.

What to do.

I tidied up my desk. I have always put things into stacks or vacuum the floor or cleaned up when I am really really really bugged out. I once put everything in my house into cardboard boxes and moved them into the basement once, denuding the entire house down to a set of dishes, my bed, a towel and just the stereo and TV once-another story. I looked at the terminal, the markets weren't open yet, as if that mattered. I looked at my phone.

I was getting married in a month, in March. There were people who were going lose money because of I had sold them utter crap. I was getting married on March 11th. Maybe some of those clients could afford to lose their money. MARRIED. I knew some of the clients now, too. I pulled out my book of clients names and read through it. No Florida clients. Yay me. MARRIED MARRIED MARRIED. If these securities weren't even just badly valued stocks with some net worth, i.e. just paper, some of these folks were getting burned, and I had helped. March 11th in front of a zillion friends and family. In church. Roman Catholic service (I am not Catholic). Married. I was even starting the pre Cana classes in a wek or two at St. John's. Jesus.

I was not on the phone, selling or making cards, I was just sitting there, thinking. I looked out over the room filling up of sales people, er, brokers. Some of these people were real dirtbags, some weren’t and some were guys just trying to get ahead. We were all there to sell this, this, stock. I had become one of them. I had been working six and seven days a week for over a year., I wasn’t sleeping much, and the sleep dep had gotten so bad that at one point I had taken to driving two hours to St. Mary’s College, talking to my fiancé about stuff (around her studying) and then driving back to work after she went to bed and not sleeping well until the next work day started. I sure as hell wasn't driving down there for sex (see Catholic, Roman).

I wanted to talk to my VP and find out more about the goddamn letter. There was something funny going on, and the Florida Comptroller had finally nailed it. I didn't have any Florida clients though.

The VP walked in waving his letter. Everyone had gotten one, even asshole assistant manager. No wonder he was so pissed off. Damn, he hadn't even asked to see MY letter when he talked to me. Duh, he already had one and I knew he had Florida clients.
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Mounting Weirdness [25 Nov 2008|08:43am]
(part 6)
T, the branch's assistant manager disappeared for a month. He had to serve some jail time for driving drunk down in Georgia. Actually it was more like driving drunk and running someone over who didn't quite die or something. T had hella good lawyers and all that stuff but he finally had to do some time, so he disappeared for a bit, even though he was Georgia Tech boy and white and a respectable stockbroker and all that shit, because he had too many damned priors on his driving record. Nobody was told this, but I found out because I had to handle some of his clients when they called and one of them knew about it. He told me.

Not all of our contacts were wealthy people, some were in fact quite average folks income wise, as I was getting their cards from brokers in training. Some of these people had no business buying our stocks but it was sell or die and we were machine gunning through contacts every day. These people's money was being tied up in these fragile stocks. I had at several clients decide that they wanted me to manage their portfolios because our stuff sounded so great. Holy shit, this was their life savings. One client came in to personally meet me so he could size me up. The boss was unamused, he didn't want us to meet clients at all and he told me so. This was awkward.

(BTW I looked up some of he other stocks in the visitors portfolio and they were pretty crappy too, according to what I knew about stocks at this point.)

Worse and worse, I was starting to be really, really distressed at some of the other aspects of the job. The corporate culture stuff. You know, the bonding and all that.

The mass weekend trips to Atlantic City in private planes to gamble. Or easing down to the Watergate Hotel via stretch limo, there to sit around in a huge suite up in the penthouse and swill liquor and be entertained by rented people. Really attractive looking call girls named Amber and Chrystalle or Star or Jasmine were summoned. I was a complete idiot about the girls, in that I tried to find out what one's real name was- C'mon people don't really get named those names, right? Chrystalle? I made one uncomfortable doing that (I think asking this is considered bad manners with professional escorts/dancers/prosititutes). They were all amazing looking, well, except for the addict girl who tagged along once, she was pretty scary in many ways.

My boss was actually trying to wean me away from my upcoming wedding by bringing me along. Seriously. Dude, I was getting married in just a few months to my college sweetheart, so uh, maybe not. All the pot and cocaine flying around on little mirrors. Damn, this was turning into a ZZ Top song or something. I wanted to hold onto my money, not blow it on snow and hookers.

Peer pressure over drugs I could handle (see college) and it was pretty mild actually, because most of the guys were too involved in their own little personal odysseys, and no thanks on the gambling junkets, I never went to one, even though the stories that came back were pretty entertaining at times.

Some of the call girls were really into the coke, and the rooms at the Watergate were astoundingly luxurious. On the downtown trips I basically would get something to drink from the bar and mooch around looking down out of the windows at DC after hours and talking to J, who was gay and had recovered from a coke addiction the year before (so we were both out of sorts). I picked up a taste for dirty martinis. I did wander downstairs once and ask the concierge where the Watergate break-in rooms were located. That little trip was fascinating. The Watergate had a pretty good place to eat downstairs too, if the room service wasn't amazing enough.

These trips usually happened every Friday or three. This didn't all happen at once, there these incremental little steps all along. It wasn't a huge party all of a sudden.

I was getting the office rep as a straight arrow because, well, I kinda was. The female brokers were only invited on gambling trips. I think by that time we had two female brokers and another came along later.

Another thing I was getting to hate was the incredible macho sales shit atmosphere and all the goddamned rah-rah pressure to sell the fuck out of everything right the fuck now or get the fuck out. If you want an idea about this kind of environment, watch a movie titled "The Boiler room" with Giovanni Ribisi and Von Diesel. A friend told me to watch it as a kind of penance once. I did, at least I wasn’t a drop out like Ribisi's character though.

We had brokers who had gotten the hell out of there or were let go because this sales pressure was huge. I saw one guy (R) get fired because he had too much non-sales shit going on over the phone. The boss had told him to sell something right now and he proceeded to do just that, right then. He closed some poor bastard on 500 Mirtone and then looked up at Al and said, "There, are you happy now?" in this really sarcastic way. Al stood there for a beat and said, "You're history, pack your shit and get out my branch."

You could have heard a pin drop in the room.

R sat there stunned as Al walked back into his office and picked up his phone, then R bolted into into the Al's office and literally got down begged on his knees for his job back (the offices had floor to ceiling glass walls). R was crying and pleading and wringing his hands. I knew that, coincidentally R was engaged as well.

R had one of the most arresting voices I had ever heard, it was this rich, warm baritone and he just sounded authoritative. He said he had been a hockey play-by-play guy in college so boy howdy he could cold read. I later found out that he had ah, accumulated some staggering gambling losses and that several casinos in Jersey and Vegas were looking for him and his wife to be, a year later because some of his pledged assets were phony.

Watching R utterly abase himself was just excruciating but I could not look away. Al gave him his job back, R didn't look at anyone on the walk back to his desk. He went back to selling. So did we.

Selling stock over the phone was NOT easy, by the way. I make it sound so but don't think it was. There were many, many outright dead ends, or abusive listeners or people who would take you right to the limit of your abilities and then say no. Selling was hard, and it required both tenacity and ignorance. It was like being a MLB hitter maybe, you had to just ignore the last 29 strikeouts and swing for the fences every time. Striking out was depressing. We got yelled at if we sold less than 500 shares of anything and the stuff usually sold at 3-5 bucks a share.

The people who just left and didn’t come back must have had somewhere else to go. One new broker was so dazed and intimidated by this system that he disappeared, I think hedidn't have anywhere to go. I didn't and since I didn't suck at this so maybe this was something I could do. Think of the future. Wedding. Marriage. Shit.

Work wasn’t always weird or awful or boring. Playing touch football with the other brokers during a break on Saturday afternoons was fine (people are home on weekends). Playing poker on holidays (markets were closed) was fun, too. We would cold call for a few hours and then play cards for ridiculous sums, to me. I do recall a few seriously ill faces around the table when those faces lost big, some, no many of these guys really liked to gamble, like scumbag lush dude did. I played poker once in a while, as I just like poker. I would mainly de-stress by going to Markland Wars and beating the living crap out of people with padded sticks for fun. I had a lot of steam to blow off.

No, the worst part of the job was my slowly growing realization that these stocks were, umm, phony, i.e. the companies were shells or at least sketchy. We were selling shares in shells to shills. The companies didn't really exist as such and in the days before the internet you couldn't google MCR Capital and find an address or something. Now a search hits on some advice and investment firm, which it wasn't, then. B, the redneck ex-mechanic was one of the brokers who figured this out first, because he actually long distance called a few places and smelled a rat. So I wasn't alone in wondering about things. This picture slowly built over time.

The money was great though, so why did I resign from this job?
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Hey [24 Nov 2008|04:35pm]
As someone who was there when the legend began, chickenhat, happy birthday you young pup. May the combs on your hat forever, umm, wave?
1 comment|post comment

Who was the market? [24 Nov 2008|08:10am]
(part 5)
Well, from one client in Michelin and Company to another one, actually (see The Cross below).

The compelling reasons to sell a given stock (for us brokers), were that Stock A had 10 cents in it today, so if you sold 5000 of A, your commission today was a cool 500 bucks which is how we were introduced to the days goals (sometimes we would switch around mid day or at another time for obscure reasons). If you sold enough stock to break 1000 dollars in commissions, why then the VP would take you into this locked closet and allow you to select a bottle of your favorite liquor as a bonus from one of the zillion cases therein. It was called bottling, and you were supposed to set the bottle on your desk for the rest of the day as an example to your peers. The first few times this happened it was pretty cool.

I eventually wound up with boxes of liquor at home, and since I don't really drink liquor constantly, if at all, I still have some unopened bottles from then over twenty years later. A cabinet full of bottles, representing commission money. Money, money, money. Our clients really believed that we were putting them into something good and the sales confirmed that, right? Right? We sold what we were told to. So far this was all being done by rote, production style. Was there anything else?

Cue the corporate training team, er guy. Joe. Joe showed up from the Boca Raton headquarters.

The trainer was essentially this corporate super duper salesmen who showed us all of these sales techniques. Nothing about what to sell or why, just the myriad hows. Different tactics like takeaway sales (this isn't for just anybody, Mr. Client), bandwagon stuff (this is for everybody) the series of yeses and the sale of sales, the Cross, wherein you sold two kinds of stocks inside your own book from one client to another and vice versa and kept the entire commission from both trades to yourself .

Crossing isn't illegal, but you should have compelling reasons to do this because if it were done to say, generate commissions, then that is unethical. OK. Joe said be careful about doing crosses. He demonstrated each of these techniques by actually doing it right then and there woyh either a client of his or a cold call. He was slick.

I tried to absorb as much stuff as I could, because I felt weird about having this responsibility to Other People's Money. I kept asking questions. I was buying books, I was trying to get my head into this but it wasn't working. There were too many weird things.
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Promotion [21 Nov 2008|08:46am]
(part 4)

What power the title "stockbroker" carried.

One of the largest Real Estate developers in Maryland spent about over $25,000.00 dollars on one cold call with me, and suddenly, money was falling out of the goddamned sky. It was the largest cold call account in our corporate history. The whole close was surreal. I laid the company pitch on him “Would five thousand Mirtone at five and an eighth be a position you could take on this security, sir?”, pause, “Yeah that sounds about right”. Whammo. I made out the stock slip with shaking hands while sleazebag (yeah he passed) watched me write 5000 shares in disbelief. I had just made about over 1500 dollars on one phone call.

The person who had made the card? She had failed the test, was sitting about ten feet away from me cold calling, and heard every word. I watched her go completely pale and sit down with a hand over eyes after I closed this guy. It would have been her sale, if she had passed. She was seriously bummed, and I felt bad for her. I thought about Bentley guy. Oh well.

Real Estate magnate later bought even more stock from us. He was what we call a "laydown" in that he just bought stuff right away without any real convincing or detailed explanantions. I could not believe it. This was working.

The VP had promoted me to be his personal assistant the day before this happened because he liked where I was fishing and also he thought that my um, selling style was pretty good. After he called me into his office and took me off of straight commission and onto a salary ($1500 bucks net a week plus bonuses in 1986) I was told by him to upgrade my clothes and go out and get into some real debt, you know, as an incentive to sell harder. Harder? I started buying my lunch, hell, I had just started eating lunch.

The boss handed me a big wad of cash. I went shopping.

I talked with the buyer at a near by Men's clothing department about a suit and some trimmings, I needed the works. He took one look at what I was spending and quit his job, to become a broker-in-training with us. Meanwhile the company was getting car sales people coming in the door, applying for jobs. One guy in our Boca Raton branch had to take his client to several banks so his transactions would not appear on the financial radar. It was drug money. A Penny stock brokerage nearby laid off some sales people, er brokers, and suddenly our numbers increased again. Quick and Riley was the name I think. I paid off my student loan. I paid Mom and Dad back. I put brakes on my poor car. I discovered that you could blow some serious money on men’s shoes. Who knew?

Things were changing at the workplace too. Fancy new terminals were installed at our newer, nicer location, a modest little tower o' finance which overlooked Columbia Mall and Merriwether Pavilion. You could enter the code for any stock onto a terminal and bazingo! Bid and Ask prices would start floating across your screen from the investment world while you looked out of the floor to ceiling windows over the Mall. It was fancy. I input the stocks we sold, and noticed a few other bits of code with them. After digging around a bit I found that they were the stock exchange that the stocks were traded on. VAN was the Vancouver Stock Exchange. Vancouver had an exchange? Damn, I had never heard of it. What the NYSE wasn’t good enough? We were the NASD, which was still getting underway. We were digital, unlike the other exchanges.

I wanted to learn more about this. I actually KNEW someone who worked at the SEC, a good friend in fact. Let's call him B. B was not involved in the regulatory part of the SEC, he was an economist who looked at spreadsheets and made sure a company was actually doing what it was supposed to. ns guys were in a different area from him. Yet he still knew plenty about the various legalities. After several conversations with him while some very ugly things began to emerge about the clutter and frenzy of my 60+ hour weeks of selling and cold calling. Oh yeah I still had to do that, too.

B told me that selling scripts were just flat out illegal, which I had kind of realized since one of the grails of the market was something called "suitability" and the instructor (who was also a Certified Financial Planner) hammered on that theme pretty good (maybe she knew he she was talking to). Suitability means you don't sell growth stocks to retired people, and risky stocks should only be a small percentage of any one investor's portfolio, and so on. For instance retirees should have mostly buy income producing stocks like BG&E or PEPCO and stuff like that becuase those are not risky instruments. Stocks or Bonds were supposed to be sold to buyers based on their investment needs, and speculative stuff shouldn’t be more than say, ten percent of an investment folio. Note that bond sales were usually handled by Bond Firms.

We sold Brand X period, unless the boss said sell Brand Y and who bought it, we didn’t or weren’t supposed to care about. Just sell. We never discussed this but we were told not to sell this stuff to people we knew, like family or friends. What? Why?

More talking and poking around revealed that we (the company) were Market Makers in these stocks, which meant that only we sold them. My compny was the reason the stocks were being sold and only we sold them (i.e. they weren't floating around elsewhere), to who?
17 comments|post comment

Series Seven [20 Nov 2008|09:22am]
(part 3)
I decided to try it again, so I took that class a second time. Since many students in the second go round of classes had failed the their first test, our collective attention level had ratcheted up an order of magnitude (not that were delinquent the first time either). The class was composed of only broker wannabees from my employer. We were really asking questions and trying to get as much as we could out of the teacher (the same one too). We were tense and focused, or more tense and focused. We had seen the elephant.

The newer brokers in training amongst us were taken aback by the apparent seriousness. One or two were somewhat jocular in class. I tried to tell one of them just what was coming but he didn’t really get it, laughing off my description of the test. Fuck him, he was going to fail and I was going to pass, this time.

I had to borrow money from my parents to pay for the second class and subsequent test. This involved asking them for money, which I had only ever done once before because we usually didn't have any. It was uncomfortable for me but they were happy that I was out there trying. I hate borrowing money, which I get from my Dad, a Great Depression survivor.

I went into overdrive after the class was over. I made my own flash cards, I taped posters with colored notations replete with all of the various financial calculations and definitions all over my crappy apartment's walls. I made up problems, calculated net asset values and tried to memorize all of the damned formulas a broker ostensibly used to estimate stock worthiness, value and the kinds of instruments and why they were valid or not.

I divided my day up into sleeping and studying. I tried to remember all the exam questions and write them down. I took the sample quizzes in the class material over and over. I went to the mattresses on this fucker the second time around.

Meanwhile the few, the very few brokers who had passed the first time were selling stocks, or trying to, while I was home studying. I was studying as hard as I knew how to. The GF couldn't help, she was still in college 90 miles away.

Took the test again, with its seriously deranged questions. Sweated every single multiple choice answer and I did not stop checking my answers until the proctors said stop. I left the test loction wondering if I had passed because last time I thought I had, but I didn’t want to hope too much, I felt like a wet dishrag. Argh. I was stressed.

I went back to work and cold called. I was so tense about this monster that I was having trouble sleeping, and worse all those stupid dreams were happening about showing up for class and finding out that the final I had never studied for was today, or I was in my underwear at school and the one with the duck, double argh.

Two weeks later I found I had passed during the announcement to the mob, along with a very few others. Applause and tempered relief happened, damn, what do you know, I had passed. Now I had to produce. Some folks had failed the exam twice and were planned on taking it again, while a few others just left, not to return. Jocular Class Guy did not show up after that day, apparently he had really failed.

For some more registration fees I was now a full fledged Registered Representative Stockbroker at Michelin & Company. We officially cleared all of our trades through Bear Stearns Companies, Inc., and even I had heard of them. I could now buy and sell stocks, bonds, options, limited partnerships, and investment company products (e.g., open- and closed-end funds) and inform people in my newfound sage capacity whether or not to buy stuff I was selling. Freaking amazing.

Holy Jesus. I could tell people where to invest their life savings? This new ability was weird but the wheels were still on the bus, then. Hey, there were some real live brokers already around, and some more trainer types were due into our new digs to whip us newbies into shape and they wouldn't stick us out there on a limb by ourselves, would they? Nah. I had a degree in Fine Art, which of course had a HUGE impact on my fiduciary acumen. Not.

Now where was my Benz? Oh yeah. Sales.

The masses of contacts (cards) we had created were considered sales-to-be and were cycling back to us new brokers after four weeks those contacts had received a "stock advice" brochure from us. That is, those cards that had not already been snapped up by the previous set of newly minted brokers.

Each stock we were to sell had a script describing why it was hot shit. Yep, more scripts. We were to read this script over the phone to our close our contacts. Closing meant completing a sale. The script had these killer lines like "While I’m calling my regular clients" and "Is 5000 shares at $5 3/8 position you want me step into the market and take for you" and a bunch of techno gobbledygook about the companies themselves which were doing things like scanning technology for luggage and special fittings to blow smoke up the asses of unsuspecting customers and whatnot, OK, I am kidding about the second one, sort of.

See, the scripts did not change, at all, hence the smoke. MCR Capital, or Mirtone had always been "about to break into the market" with their luggage scanner, and the other names (which were generic enough that I cannot remember them) were always "on the verge" and some other crap, i.e. smoke. Crap because these scripts were kind of old.

At first I did not quite realize this because at first glance, this stuff sounded smoking hot! Wow! I should buy this too! That feeling lasted for bout a month. During my first month as a broker, I was blowing people off the phone I was so nervous and excited. If I got through to someone (i.e. past the secretary), the contact could practically hear the adrenaline. These clients to be must have thought - Why, the market must be fucking jumping through it's ass if Dave the Broker sounds like this! People bought it. I bought it. I sold some damned stock.

Hey look at me! I was selling stock! For real! Well not any stocks but certain ones, which ones we were to told sell varied according to some off screen calculus but the aggregate total of these stocks was around 4-6 in number. None of those weird penny stocks either. These cost a few bucks per share.

Money started happening.
5 comments|post comment

Cold Caller [19 Nov 2008|08:51am]
(part 2)

I knew how to read from scripts from college theater productions, y'know with feeling (masking the grinding boredom). I did not use grab area phone book and simply call names out of the white pages to generate cards like many of the other broker wannabees; the lanky redneck car mechanic, a stocky blonde haired finance and insurance manager from a local dealership, a former assistant manager at restaurant who looked my mom at 25, and a red headed ex-waiter and some other people who needed a better job, there were others too but I don't remember their former jobs. I swear one guy must have sold kiddie porn or something, he looked like a sleazebag from two blocks away and was usually drunk after dinner. Ugh.

I opened up the yellow pages and did things like called people at Cigarette boat dealerships, Porsche dealerships, Yacht sales and other places where high income salespeople worked, I mailed away to various swanky places asking for information, i.e. contact people. I tried any high end luxury sales place I could research. My contacts were generally of of a better grade than most, and some were very, very good indeed. The VP noticed this after he used a few of them. He came out of his glass box one day and asked "Who cold called the Bentley salesman?". I raised my hand and he gave me an appraising look. "Nice work, Choat-eus." He went back into his office (he had sold the Bentley guy about $15k of one of our stocks). I got a few raised eyebrows from my fellow drones. We went back to cold calling.

Until we became Registered Representative Stockbrokers, our cards went to the extant ones, the branch manager (VP) and the assistant branch manager who had their own real offices with doors. As brokers they could also buy contacts commercially for so many cents a contact, with the better ones being pricier. Some cards were 25 cents apiece and you bought them by the hundreds in these accordion folded 3x2 stacks.

The VP drove a 3 series ice blue BMW, and the assistant manager had a 'vette, I think. It was red, or yellow, I forget which color now. Georgia tags with a Yellowjackets license holder. Yeah, it was yellow.

One night after work we went to the VP's digs nearby and listened to music and drank beer. He had the most amazing stereo system I had ever heard, it even made Peter Gabriel sound good. Since the VP had just moved here from Florida, the place wasn't lavishly furnished, but I still remember that sound system in a barren condo. The ex-waiter, it turned out had been a front man for local band and jesus he had a great voice. The VP pulled out a keyboard and they jammed. It was pretty nice.

Time passed in grueling cold calling land and the time for preparation class for the exam finally arrived, which was essentially five days of 8-hour lectures and quizzes (which I paid for, I think it was $300 bucks). All the material covered was absolutely new to me, except for the letters and numbers part. The concepts were hard going for me but the instructor was very good, which made it tolerable. I thought I studied the material in some depth before the test (three weeks solid weeks of full time roach accompanied studying). I didn't.

The test was brutal. The exam was designed by the government and so was made badly, there were broken questions in it and it was not a cogent piece of work, it was more like a trivia contest for people who had collected odd bits of esoteric knowledge about the securities industry and were drunkenly quizzing each other at 2am.

Oh and it cost me another two hundred and fifty dollars I barely had to take this gauntlet. Ouch. I was making $4.00 an hour as a cold caller, no overtime pay.

The securities industry is rather vast in terms of products and responsibilities and so forth, the test could not hope to cover all of it, it just showed a flashlight into various shadowed areas and asked you a question about it. The next question could be 180 degrees off from it. All of the questions seemed this way, there weren't any overlapping questions, or even a kind of rhyme or reason to them. The proctors were ferocious about people cheating, you had to leave all materials in the exam room and have nothing in your pockets and so on. Some testing companies had people take the test so they could leave with the questions, so they could instruct their students better.

You weren't told which questions you got wrong afterwards, only your score (if you failed). You could not leave with any test materials. A 70 was a passing grade and god help you if you got a 68, because that meant you were four right answers from not taking this bear again.

I saw other people really, really failing this test at the intermission,you could tell by the shell shocked look on their faces. One of them was an attorney who told me the BAR was easier. Wow. I remember sitting outside the testing location somewhere in Bethesda and trying to remember what I had studied while I ate lunch.

One of the up to date companies that trains people for this test stipulates that six to eight weeks of study are necessary for this exam. I left the test feeling like I had done well.

The results got mailed to the employers a week or two later, so there was this dramatic scene where the VP came out and called out the names of who passed the test and who didn't. Applause. Oh yeah, I failed. Did I mention I got a 68? I laughed when I saw my score but God, I was crushed. That was the hardest test I had ever taken and now I had to do it again, or quit.

continued tomorrow
6 comments|post comment

Serial [18 Nov 2008|08:50am]
"Not once in all these years have I come across a person inside a big Wall Street firm who was having a crisis of conscience.” (warning, this link is a long read, but it is worthy).

That person would be me.

nancylebov posted this link in her LJ, and I read it with avidity. I still enjoy reading stuff about the markets and I find that I understand a fair amount about the way they work, still. Why is this, you might ask?

A long time ago in this world, I was pretty bad off, job wise. I had been working a series of awful jobs since I was fired from my first graphic artist job out of college like - A) move this entire room of record files one floor up-there is a pallet of boxes to fill and the stairs are down the hall or B) Sell these Xmas trees for a ridiculous hourly wage + sales bonus (PS the owner was taking everyone's bonus money and using it for cocaine, so many people weren't paid) and, umm C) was something along the lines of working in a sorta dangerous light industrial factory which emphasized speed over safety, i.e. piecework (Upton Sinclair was dead on) and so on.

One day I read this job ad about how a certain company could pay me an hourly wage until I became qualified to become... a Stockbroker! Holy shit! Didn't stockbrokers drive around in Mercedes Benzes and wear ties and stuff on Wall Street? I was sick and tired of working with my back and the idea of an office environment and the potential to become a broker... Well, it sounded great, and I was getting pretty desperate, money wise, hell an hourly wage alone was compelling. Manpower the Temp Agency sucked, btw, they could only place me in areas where physical labor was needed. WTH? This was sexism of a kind, because there were other jobs that were going to women. Office jobs.

I was living at the time in a roach infested apartment (with a real live slob roommate). The people downstairs were certified drug dealers. They had the cleanest kitchen in Isabella Park Apartments, it's entire furnishings were a single table with a digital triple beam balance scale on it. Period. I saw it one night through a gap in the blinds. Sheesh.

Occasionally new cars were parked outside the apartments (like Corvettes, Jags and Cadillacs). Customers came and went often at all times of the night (as did I, being all under employed and single and whatnot). Oh, and I was engaged to be married in about 8 or 9 months to my college sweetheart, plus PLUS I wasn't getting any graphics jobs because my last employer was seriously vindictive about being a reference (I was fired because I would not move to their night shift). So I could NOT get a job in my field. Period. I didn't find out about the poisoned reference until a potential employer who knew this company was composed of assholes told me about the reference, and then hired me anyway, much, much later.

I applied to this company and lo, I was inculcated into the mysteries of being a cold call flunky for a stock brokerage after brief interview. In a cavernous room replete with rows of desks each with a phone, in an industrial park, I sat with the other drones and phoned.

Work was like this; you read your call script selling a free newsletter, follow this and call people (who you call is your problem). Each person who agrees to receive the companies financial advice newsletter generates one "card". Make many cards per day. Cold call for 8-10 hours a day and on weekends. Repeat.

At some point I would be able to take a class on how to pass the Series Seven government exam. 250 questions over 360 minutes followed by the series six at 100 questions, multiple choice. OK, I could handle tests, I went to college. I had a BFA!

To be continued
5 comments|post comment

Thanksgiving [06 Nov 2008|01:05pm]
This year, for a change, no cooking will be happening at Ednoria. Since the Christmas season (visiting relatives) is looking to become complex, we are simplifying things by planning on going to a retaurant instead.

Hurray, plans. Restaurant. Hmmm, where?

The floor is open to suggestions. The parameter prime is that while fancy is great, we will have the Koobster in tow.
6 comments|post comment

Vote is in [04 Nov 2008|11:08am]


I saw Ralph Fridgen (coach of UMD Terps football team) in line again. This time I said good morning. The line was one hour and a few minutes long, so I watched "The Pirates Who Don't Do Anything" on my iPhone. It ended just as I entered the polling area.

As Pa Grape says, you don't have to look heroic, you just have to do it.

Vote.

BTW, Limbaugh is absolutely frothing at the mouth on his talk show right now. Hee.

BTW-Voting freebies! Dude!

* Ben & Jerry's: Free scoop of ice cream between 5-8pm.
Sweet! The closest one is in Rockville though, to me. Dang.

* Books-A-Million: Free cup of coffee after showing your "I voted" sticker.
Meh.

* California Tortilla: Free taco for showing "I voted" sticker.
Cool!

* Chick-fil-A: "Several hundred" of 1,400 Chick-fil-A restaurants are handing
out chicken sandwiches to adults with proof of voting. Yum!

* Krispy Kreme: Free star-shaped doughnut with "patriotic sprinkles"
(i.e. red, white, and blue) for "all retail customers with an 'I Voted' sticker."
Mmmm, donuts.

* Starbucks: Free tall coffee at "any Starbucks."
Again, coffee. Meh. What Tea isn't sexy?

So you could score a sammich, ice cream, coffee and a donut! What is not to like?
8 comments|post comment

R VP on abortion clinic bombings? Assassinations? Huh? [24 Oct 2008|01:24pm]
Well, what the blazing hell is this? I am actually struck dumb.

If it walks like a duck and quacks like a duck, isn't it a duck? Ayers can be an Obama-friend-type terrorist but all the people who shot doctors, blew up abortion clinics and nurses are not? Oh, and McCain just sits there and says nothing while Palin gently screeds.

I am starting to feel sorry for this woman, seriously. She is in so far over her head that she must be breathing magma.

Let me paraphrase for her wildly here, "When I am VP, there won't be any Family Planning/Abortion Clinic bombings. See, there won't be any to bomb. (wink) 'Cause they will be illegal."
7 comments|post comment

Of course many have read this [23 Oct 2008|09:48am]
"MY FAMILIAR IS A PURPLE SNOW LEOPARD"

http://somehedgehog.livejournal.com/245807.html
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If the eight were to lie sideways [18 Sep 2008|07:09am]


That is how long I will be your friend. Happy Birthday ednoria.
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