karabearblu

Wow, everyone's asleep, I'm bored and looking through some old LJ posts and seeing who still gets on this thing. Hey it's a blizzard outside and nothing better to do except watch Bad Girls Club. *shahhaha*

Anyways, since I last got on this thing, I am still a loser without a college degree, but looking for a graphic design job in the Wabash, Indiana area. Not much has popped up so far, so I'm still working at good old Marsh, going on five years, hoping that something will get me out of that place. I am getting married this fall, which I am shocked that someone has put up with me for this long and wants to forever. I have always sucked at relationships. I cheated, I was a baby when it came to break-ups, I thought I was in love with all of my boyfriends but Andy is luckily my other half. He's been through a lot of the same shit I have and although we have opposite personalities and come from a completely different place, we fit together pretty damn well. Plus we have a beautiful almost two year old daughter together, who was a total accident, but has given me the most joy and love I have ever experienced. When I was single and had time to think about it, I wasn't sure I ever wanted kids or marriage. I wanted to go off to a bigger city, find a job, and live the single life. My how things have turned out differently.

I don't really have many friends anymore. Actually, not really any. I have maybe one close girlfriend I can confide in and she's now in a relationship so I don't hear from her as much anymore. Man I am pathetic. One of my closest friends is my sister, finally. Our relationship hasn't been the closest since we lived together, but now that I am back in Walbatucky, we're finally getting on the same page. The other people Andy and I developed friendships with in Muncie have all moved to various areas of the Midwest and we see them when we get the occasional babysitter. Our 4-5 nights a week of drinking and bar fanatics has turned into a rare happening. I hang out with my mom a lot. Really my life is pretty boring.

Sometimes I miss the fun, energetic Kara that I used to be, but I've accepted the role of part-time working mom & future wife. I'm sad that I've lost touch with people I thought would be "friends 4 lyfe." I miss ex-boyfriends that became great friends and lack of responsibilities, but I am so happy that I get to share all these things with my daughter in the future..all of my life experiences and my mistakes that I want her to avoid.

So that's basically me right now, other than the fact that I screwed up in college financially and had a few bad raps on my credit that I FINALLY have eliminated. So my credit will be clean once those payments are reported, which makes me super excited. That means we'll be on the road to buying a house, hopefully by the time I am 30. Our cars are doing okay. The little red Cavalier is still truckin'. The only problem with it is a squeaky belt which has been squeaking since 2003, so not too concerned and we got a Blazer this past summer which has really helped with the space/kid/two work vehicle problem.

Maybe more later. Leave comments if anyone is still around LJ.

So updates since I'm never on here anymore...in case anyone looks at my page. I wish I had more time for this site, but I used it mostly for graphics and all that. Seems I don't have much time anymore.

1. I'm pregnant. Due in April. I find out if baby is a boy or girl tomorrow. I am ecstatic.
2. I'm not in school right now. I just don't have the motivation to finish. Hopefully I can find a job until I get that motivation. Five years of college and no degree. I wasted so much money...
3. I lived with some awesome gals, but the pregnancy has changed a lot of things. I'm staying with Andy until we can find a place of our own.
4. We now own a beautiful Siberian Husky. He's 5 months old, named Jager, cute and ornery as hell.
5. Andy and I have a wonderful relationship. Sometimes rocky, but overall great :) We have been together since August of 2006, and known each other since about March of 2006.


That's really about all there is to know right now. If I think of anything else I'll be sure to update...

Summer sky spins
like a merry-go-round in the park,
enveloping us in laughter,
but we are dizzy and nauseous
after a long while of
being stuck on the blue piece,
of the yellow, green, red and blue
tarnished surface.

Harder we spin,
the world becoming
more and more blurred,
swirling together like Van Gogh.
We can no longer see
beauty in the trees,
the rust covered slide
that would make a stellar black and white photograph.

Everything becomes a blank slate,
forcing change, reevaluation
contemplation.
Merry fades away,
twirling its mess of roy-g-biv.
We stand naked, vulnerable,
waiting to be drawn on, recognized,
waiting for another ride on the merry-go-round.









Yeah I wrote that last year. I still feel the same.

Well now I have a reason to start over! A life-changing stress has been completely lifted off of my shoulders and it's time to get my ass in gear. I have a lot of goals I want to achieve, and tonight I'm starting with one. Hopefully you guys will be able to notice the change sometime in the near future.

I like to smile and make people smile. I just wish there were certain people who I could rub my happiness on or someone who I could make happy. Shit, I get sad sometimes, but I'm a generally happy person. It kills me that the person who I want to make happy is fighting a smile every day because this person's experience is that everything in life leads to pain. Life is definitely shit, but there are a lot of good things that can come your way if you just let 'em. I feel like I've missed out on something that I'll probably never get to have because this person sits around wondering why I want it or how I could even think of wanting it. Well I just do. Ultimately I love this person deeply as a friend and I'm sick of wanting more. It's been a couple months now of me wondering...what if he changed his mind? I can't sit around wondering what if. It's not the right thing to do and it's definitely brought me down. The past week I've decided that I'm going to get over the whole situation and for the most part, I think I have, but it doesn't mean I'm over him. It doesn't mean it doesn't hurt when he flirts with other girls or when he's uncomfortable with me touching him or vice versa because he thinks that it means more than what it does. It probably will hurt for a long time, but I feel safe knowing that he'll always be one of my best friends and maybe someone else will eventually come along. It's a tiresome wait.

Football party at our place Monday night @ 8:30. The game starts @ 9. Colts vs. Patriots. Beer. Fun!! Come!! I sent out a Facebook invite. If you are interested and didn't get one, just ask me for details.

AIM: karabearblu

E-mail: karabearblu@gmail.com

She said life's a lot to think about sometimes
When you're living in between the lines
And all the stars are sparkling, shine everyday
He said life's so hard to move in sometimes
When it feels like I'm towin' the line
And no one even cares to ask me why I feel this way

And I know you feel helpless now, and I know you feel alone
That's the same road, the same road that I'm on, yeah

He said life's a lot to think about sometimes
When you keep it on between the lines
And everything I want and I want to find one of these days
But what you thought was real in life
Oh, it somehow steer you wrong
And now you just keep trying and trying to find out where you belong
And I know you feel helpless now, and I know you feel alone
That's the same road, the same road that I'm on

Three Doors Down

I don't know what I would do if I was left without my mother, father and sister. Last night one of my good friends and a teacher I still e-mail back and forth with, and who is a reference on my resume, was killed in a plane crash at the Wabash Airport, along with her husband, son and son's fiance. It's crazy how these things happen. I know they happen everywhere, but it's amazing how when something happens like this in a town like Wabash, everyone comes together.

Mrs. Swan was like the Mrs. Swingley of my high school. Down to looking alike, they act pretty much the same. If you're a journalism major at BSU, you'll know who Swingley is. I'm probably closest to her out of all the journalism profs, and that's probably the reason why.

She was a very easygoing person and fun to be around. I'm going to miss her a lot.

All I can ask is that you pray for her daughter. It's going to be incredibly hard for her to get through this. None of her immediate family is left. Mrs. Swan's other son was killed in the Dora Road shooting about a decade ago in Wabash, while on duty.

It's a shame that God had to take such wonderful people, who had such a full life yet to live.

News

http://www.theindychannel.com/news/4958102/detail.html
Four Die In Plane Crash

POSTED: 10:13 am EST September 11, 2005
UPDATED: 10:15 am EST September 11, 2005

WABASH, Ind. -- A small plane crashed Saturday night, killing all four people on board.

Police said the plane went down just after 9 p.m. near West County Road 500 South in Wabash County.

The plane, 1967 Piper Cheyenne Six, was found in a bean field, police said.

Officials believe the plane’s right wing first made contact with the ground. Then, the plane flipped over and caught fire.

The four passengers were identified as John Swan, of Wabash, Kathy Swan, of Wabash, James D. Swan, 25, of Wabash and Vanessa Baer, 22, of North Urbana.

The National Transportation Safety Board was investigating to determine a cause of the crash.

http://www.wthr.com/Global/story.asp?S=3834858&nav=9TaheOKB
Wabash plane crash kills four

Wabash, September 11- A high school teacher is among four people killed in a plane crash in Wabash County. 54-year old Kathy Swan died when a single-engine plane went down in a bean field Saturday night.

Police say she, her husband, their son, and a friend all died. Apparently, the plane's right wing touched the ground, causing it to flip and catch fire in a bean field near the Wabash airport.

Swan taught at Wabash County High School. The superintendent canceled classes for Monday at the high school and delayed the start of elementary and middle school classes by two hours.

I'm selling stuff on Ebay:

1 // 2 // 3 // 4 // 5 // 6 // 7 // 8