03:28 pm: Prepping For Journal Export
I am a sheep, and I follow. Now that I'm not watching a certain long-necked ruminant every hour of every day, I have the bandwidth available for the big transfer over to Dreamwidth. I will be trolling here and on Facebook for everyone who reads me to follow me on DW, and allow me reading access. It's not likely that I'll post there any more often than I do here (yearly?!), but I read every day, and I don't want to miss anybody.
The first phase of the process was photos. A computer crash in 2011 caused me to lose all my photos from 2008-2011. Only pictures hosted on LiveJournal still existed. So I went and copied hundreds of photos back to my computer from LJ. It's a relief to have finally done it, I'd been meaning to for a long time.
I may not shutter my LJ completely, I was gifted a permanent account years ago. And I still get a huge amount of celebrity news and gossip from ohnotheydidnt
If LJ goes belly up, I want all those years of posts archived. So off I go to try.
07:54 pm: Still With The Sucking, Now With Added Desperation
Depression and anxiety doesn't let me do much these days. As previously reported, I rarely leave the house, rarely get out of bed. It's a conundrum, sort of. I'm able-bodied, for the most part, but not able to look for work. Since I don't look disabled, people don't believe there is anything wrong with me. Early last year, during the brief window when we had Medicaid coverage, the counselor I was seeing suggested exploring the possibility of a disability claim. I felt guilty even thinking about it, but we got the ball rolling. It can be a multi-year process. You file, get denied, file again, get denied again, then you get a lawyer. Lawyer takes a percentage of your money, if the claim is successful. It took all year, pretty much, but I'm at the lawyer stage. Having them deal with the paperwork is good, because anytime I get a letter from social services, I panic and am too terrified to even open it for weeks. If I am eventually successful (very unlikely, even less likely after today), it wouldn't be much money, helpful for sure, but not enough to pay the rent. Luke has another temp job, but it's only for a few weeks. His seasonal County parks job doesn't start till April. We will not be able to make rent for February, and most likely March, without help from somewhere. Other bills and debts can wait, probably, but if we lose our apartment, that's it, game over. So we need to ask for help. So many people are in worse shape, but I'm still gonna ask. When I ask for help I feel I don't deserve it, but then, almost always, someone helps us anyway, or at least says "you deserve niceness, even if we can't give it to you." Maybe today, one of the darkest days in history, it would help to hear someone say I'm worthy of survival. Can anyone tell me how GoFundMe works? Can you use it for stuff like this? There is work I could do for people, people I know at least. There are always suggestions: try this job, try that job, take any job at all! But I know my limitations very well. What I know I can't do: *Calling strangers on the phone. *Interacting with strangers in public. *Anything involving an office computer program more recent than 1995. What I know I CAN do: *Gardening. I love gardening! Planting things. Pulling ivy, or blackberry. *Being organized. Sorting things, filing things, finding things, and helping to get rid of things. I've always been good at that. I would do those things for money, if anyone local we know has a need. Thanks.
02:14 pm: The Sky Is Falling. No, Really, It's About To Crash Down On Us.
It's been a year and several months since I last posted anything. Things were crap then, and they're a million times worse now. And it's all my fault. We've become so good at hiding how bad things really are, people don't believe me when I say that we are in imminent danger of becoming homeless. After all, I've been saying it for years- we could run out of money soon, hopefully the job market will turn around before that happens. Welp, didn't happen. Game over, we lose. We're broke, and don't have enough money to pay rent and bills next month. How is it my fault? Depression owns me completely. I'm its bitch. I believe whatever it tells me. And it tells me that I'm stupid and ugly and worthless. It's robbed me of any ability to do something about our situation. It tells me I deserve to be homeless, because I'm too stupid to look for work. And how dare I even think of asking for help, pretty much everyone we know is already in some sort of financial or medical crisis anyway.
I've always been aware, even before depression took hold, that I'm somewhat lacking in empathy. When people I care about are hurting, I usually say nothing, at least, not online. When injustice happens, I just watch it, read about it, feel bad, and keep my opinions mostly to myself. Depression takes this, and uses it to reinforce the feeling that I suck and don't deserve help from anyone.
Luke has carried a very heavy burden for years. Going to school, finally finding something he really wants to do, and the sadness of not having it pan out (so far) into a real job. Shouldering the responsibility of trying to be the breadwinner, while I sit here paralyzed by pretty much everything.
Our downfall has been so slow and gradual, we could almost pretend it wasn't happening. We stopped buying books and CDs, now we've sold almost all of them. Ate at cheaper and cheaper restaurants till we couldn't dine out at all. Haven't purchased a new item of clothing (other than maybe undies) for more than a year. Started actually paying attention to the price and brands of the food I buy. Downgraded every service and policy we could. We finally got rid of cable TV. We would have given it up sooner, but we were trapped in a contract till last summer. I miss cable more than anything else...
So what do I do with myself everyday? I eat crap. I read. I worry. I cry. I self-injure. I do things that a housewife does, laundry, cleaning, dishes, shopping, dinner. I read about the world on Facebook and Twitter, play stupid games on my phone, and watch endless reruns of Law & Order on the 12 local TV channels that are still available to me. I tell myself, hey, I should post something, reach out to the world, DO SOMETHING! ANYTHING! But I go to bed and stare at the ceiling in the dark, and wonder- how many more weeks will we have this apartment? Our warm, dry, safe place?
I imagine working. I remember working. I liked working. I remember interacting with the world, the hustle and bustle of downtown office life. The routine, the accomplishments and petty annoyances. It's been seven years since I held an actual job. What I can't imagine now is the looking, putting myself out there for scrutiny, the way everybody else who wants a job does. When I even think about that now, paralyzing fear washes over me. My brain says that I'm too stupid, technology is beyond my comprehension, it's been too long, no-one, anywhere, ever, would hire a fat, ugly 50 year old woman with only a high school education, who hasn't worked in seven years. For anything. They'll laugh at me. They should laugh at me. My smart, educated friends, people who have ambition, who understand things, and know how to do things, are trying hard to find work, and not succeeding. So there's absolutely no hope for me, why even try? That's what depression tells me. And I listen.
So where are we at right now? Luke and I love each other. We support each other as best we can, and we even manage to laugh together. With the end of Luke's seasonal job, we got our Medicaid benefits back. I can return to the shrink I used to see. We've had some fun doing odd jobs and yardwork for friends. Unemployment and food stamps are pending. Luke is applying for anything and everything. We have somewhere to go for Thanksgiving. Somewhere, deep down, I know we have friends, I know we are loved, I know there are people who would help us if they were able to. I wish I could believe, for more than two seconds at a time, that I'm worth it.
06:30 pm: A Tale Of Three Social Events
I'm due for a long-ish LJ post. It's certainly been a while. Not since before Wiscon. I had a great time at Wiscon, and yet, it was fraught with so many moments of social angst. While I managed to go to at least 10(!) amazing panels, what I was really there to do was see the people that are important to me. And to a large degree, I did that. But there were also countless moments where I felt that some of the people I most wanted to hang out with, wanted nothing to do with me. Actively avoided me. One person, who was one of my closest friends when I lived in California, acts like I'm not worth talking to now. I could walk up and start chatting with her, but she would never seek me out, and anyone else she wants to talk to (and anyone who walks up to her while we're talking) is far more important and worthy of her attention than I am. It's been like this for the past several Wiscons, so this year I didn't really try to talk to her at all. I totally get that friendships change, evolve, and of course end, but it still hurts. I never wanted the friendship to end, and I'm left wondering what changed for her. Depression has a way of making things like this way more intense and difficult to deal with. My brain says "I suck, I'm stupid, I'm horrible, what's wrong with me, what did I do that makes them not want to hang out with me?" I was proud of myself for at least having the self-care spoons, as it were, to not try to spend time with her. And to recognize that some other people I really, really wanted to see, who didn't have/make time to see me, weren't doing it because they didn't like me. Things can just happen. It still hurts like hell, but things can just happen that make someone not available no matter how badly you want to see them. That said, I still spent an inordinate amount of time at Wiscon, feeling like the "cool" people didn't want to talk to me or hang out with me. I need to figure out other ways of self-care to make it hurt less, and not focus so much on it. Because I have many good friends at Wiscon.
Back in Seattle, a couple weeks ago, there was a wedding of fans. It was lovely, and heartfelt, and full of deep emotion. All of local fandom turned out, most of whom I rarely see. Also attending were several Bay Area friends, including the gal mentioned before. She wouldn't even acknowledge me, so I said fuck it, and moved on to someone who would. For all the beauty and sweetness and emotion of the whole event, I felt really disconnected in a lot of ways. I didn't talk to many people.
Just two days later was SACBO, the Seattle Art Car Blowout. Even though I don't know these people anywhere near as well as I do my fannish friends, somehow, someway, everything came together, and I had a fantastic, socially UN-fraught time! I'm at a loss to explain it. Friday, I drove down to Tacoma, in rush hour, by myself even, to take part in the opening event. Our cars were invited to be a special one-time display at the LeMay Car Museum. The weather was perfect, and we had a tailgate dinner. Luke stayed behind to help set up the art car space at the fair. We had been moved at the last minute to a different area, and nobody knew how it was going to work out. But it did! Saturday, the weather was even more perfect, and we got an early start. My car looked like it totally belonged there! Because it did! I spent most of the day sitting in the shade in a lawn chair, talking to various amazing people, and feeling like they wanted to talk to me! Sunday was more of the same, I'm glad I had sunscreen, this was the best weather we've had for SACBO in years. The rest of the fair was crowded, and if you've seen one Fremont Fair and Solstice Parade, you've pretty much seen them all. The new space for the art cars worked out quite well, plenty of fair-goers found us, and enjoyed our cars. Sunday, when the fair was over, we all went to a house in West Seattle for the closing party. I felt like I could sit down and talk to anyone there. I was sad when it was time to say goodnight. There were promises to socialize with locals that didn't feel fake. I went home and immediately added about ten art car people to my Facebook, and I didn't have my usual "they'll think I'm totally lame" moment.
So, that was last weekend. I still feel mostly OK, but I know I'll sink back to my normal state of everyday depression before long. But it's nice to know that I CAN feel good, and wanted, and like I belong to something special. I wish I could feel like that more often.
02:43 am: Pre-Trip Info, Plans And Jitters
24 hours from now I will be on an overnight flight to Chicago, on my way to Madison. I'll spend about a week with the folks before Wiscon. I'm nervous about the flight, as always.
Before the con last year, I got a Twitter account. I wanted to be able to find people, and know what was going on. But even something as simple as Twitter is beyond my reckoning. I was shown how to use it, but the lesson didn't stick. I don't remember how to make posts or comments. I still read it everyday, though. I follow the posts of the coolest people in the world, and I feel like I'm eavesdropping because: A) I don't know how to leave a comment. B) I don't have anything interesting to say to these cool people.
Being in an overall bad place, I just feel weird about the whole thing. I want to see people, and I know people want to see me, but I always feel like I have to beg for dinner invites and face time. Nobody really seeks me out. I'm fine to hang out with, but I'm not anyone's first choice. I've felt this way about Wiscon for a number of years, sometimes I can beat the feeling back, but it's really strong right now.
I'm worried about a lot of things, really. The flight. Money things. Health issues. Social things.
Anyway, I'll be in Madison Friday afternoon. And I'll probably feel better once I get there.
I managed to ask for help, and I got some. I can go to Wiscon without completely breaking what's left of our bank. Thank you.
I have short hair again. I absolutely hate how it looks, but it's quick and easy to deal with now. I liked having long hair, but actually managing long hair is a huge pain in the ass.
I'd had a lot of odd stomach and chest pain, off and on for years. One night in March, after being constant for about three days, and reaching an intensity I could no longer tolerate, I went to the ER. Turns out, I had a load of gallstones. So they took out my gallbladder. Mostly better now, five weeks later I'd say I'm 99% back to normal. Luke signed us up for health insurance through the Affordable Care Act, and it took effect in January. Since we have no income, we qualify for a form of medicaid. It covered everything. If my gallbladder had gone south before January, I don't know what we would have done.
Luke and I just celebrated our eighth anniversary. He's just the best guy ever.
05:26 am: How Do You Live?
That's the question I get asked whenever the subject of unemployment comes up. I've been out of work for five years. "Are you looking for work?" is the next question. And when I answer "no", I get the look. They don't say it out loud, but the look says "wow, you must be really lazy".
You used to be able to make a good living as a temp, going from office to office, till you found the right fit for a permanent placement. I did it for years, both in Madison and Seattle. The last job I had was in the fall of 2008, shortly after we moved to this apartment. It was just a month long temp job, one of only a handful of gigs I'd had that whole year. Luke had a job that ended around the same time, and the economy was taking a nosedive. By the end of the year, all the temp work dried up.
We had plenty of savings and planned to ride it out. Financially, we had a lot of things going for us, no kids, no house, reasonable rent, old car, no credit cards, no debt whatsoever. We enjoyed exploring the area, got into tidepools and roadtrips. I walked a lot.
A year passed. Luke got bored. He decided to finally finish his degree. I was upset with him at the time. How dare he incur debt, when there is so little hope of us ever getting jobs! But he needed this. He loved school and excelled at it. He'd also gotten into park restoration, and tailored his schooling towards it.
Me, I just coasted along. Not working. Not sleeping. Feeling guilty. I stopped going out on walks. Slowly, very, very slowly, almost imperceptibly, I sank deep into depression, and I remain there today. I gradually lost the ability to do things. Making a phone call is incredibly difficult. Having to call a stranger is now terrifying to me. Even calling someone I've called before (like pizza) is an epic thing I have to work myself up to doing.
Being social is harder, much, much harder. I rarely leave the apartment. Not because I'm afraid to, but because I have no particular place to go. And that's on me, because I'm really not in a place where I can seek out people to do things with. I want to, I desperately need to socialize, but I just can't make it happen myself right now.
So here we are, five years with no work, and our savings is nearly gone. I look at the homeless people in our neighborhood park, and wonder if we'll be joining them soon. I'm awake all night, sleeping all day, and basically non-functioning. But you wouldn't know for looking at me. I look like normal people. I'm great at pretending I'm normal people. I sidestep the unemployment questions as best I can, even after I get the "you're lazy" look. "How do you live?" I just tell people we don't own a house, and we've been super frugal all this time. I mean, it's true we have been frugal, but I don't tell them how miserable I am, and how frightening and bleak our future is, and that I think of little else as I stare at the ceiling, trying and failing to sleep.
We still have enough money where I could go to Wiscon. But I may need some help. The hotel is spendy. (I already get the sixth floor deal) Airfare is insane. Wiscon has a member assistance fund, but I don't know what I could ask for. $50 bucks? $100 bucks? The whole plane ticket? I have no idea. Just going to the website and finding out anything about it is terrifying to me. I haven't been able to do that yet. People have already offered help and suggestions. How do I even act on them? Depression makes doing simple, necessary things really hard, like asking questions and interacting with people who might possibly help me.
My depression says things like: Why do I deserve help, anyway? I'm not a writer. I'm not a rock star of the science fiction, technology, academic or blogging world. And I'm not really that interested in talking about race or class. I used to run the Tiptree bake sale, but that was ages ago, and now someone else does it better. Who the hell do I think I am, anyway?
I want to go to Wiscon for the simple reason that I've been going to this convention for 28 years. I need to see the friends I made back then, and the new ones I made just last year. I need it as much as I need air and water. It's a social shot in the arm that keeps me going.
Anyway..
I've been wanting to say something, anything, for a long time. But depression says "they're all going to think you're stupid and lazy and worthless if you tell them the truth". Still, just saying it so someone besides me and Luke can know what's been going on might be helpful. We'll see.
04:17 pm: Hello, My Name Is Julie ("Hi, Julie!"), And I Play Too Much Candy Crush..
I read an article that was posted around Facebook recently, and I found it interesting. It talks about how Candy Crush is a scam, which it totally is. Nevertheless, I'm hooked, and I totally get why, even though I don't play like most people do. Anyway, the article: Candy Crush is a scam Once they started talking about other games, they lost me, also, I don't know what the term JRPG means.
I play Candy Crush on an Android phone, I started not long before last Wiscon. I'm good at match 3-type games. I hate hearing about other people's various games on Facebook, so I don't play there. I don't get or give lives or other helps to people. And I've never bought anything to improve my game play. I just play. At one point early on, I did try to buy something, I don't even remember what it was. I went to the screen that says "do you want to buy this helpful thing for 99 cents?" And I said yes please. I got as far as it saying "OK, transaction complete", but when I went back to the game, there was no indication that I'd bought anything. No new button or anything that said "you bought a helpful thing, here's where it is and how you use it." So I just kept playing. The other thing Candy Crush does if you don't successfully purchase any helps, is NOT let you play for very long at one time. Starting a new game, it lets you play maybe five or six rounds, before it goes "sorry, out of lives for now, come back in 23 minutes and 15 seconds.." So I go play something else, usually WordzUp, a Boggle-type game. After a while, I go back to Candy Crush, and it lets me play two or three rounds before saying "nope, sorry, 26 minutes and 8 seconds. I get annoyed, come back an hour later, and play a few more rounds. I do this every evening while I watch TV. Hours and hours till my battery dies. I'm really, really good at match 3 games, and I can play them for a long time without getting bored. Despite the frustrations, I've managed to reach level 181 on Candy Crush, where I've been stuck for more than a week. My understanding is that there are around 300 levels. Maybe I'll complete all of them someday.
07:33 pm: Trying Something
I've filled up a sticky-note full of things I could post about on LJ, which will then get cross-posted to Facebook.
Sacbo, aka The Seattle Art Car Blowout, happened weeks ago. It was awesome, yet I still haven't posted any pictures from it. If it ever happens, it'll be in another post. But the gallery is Here LJ photo galleries are annoying, you upload photos in the order they happen, and they are displayed in reverse order. So the gallery "starts" on page 2. Anyway, Sacbo was great, my car was a hit, and life goes on. I'm still getting used to driving an art car every day, but I think I like it.
It was my birthday on the 10th. I'm 48. It wasn't a super-great birthday, in that I feel fat, ugly, worthless, stupid, massively depressed, and have a bunch of minor but very painful ailments that I can't do much of anything about. I wanted to go somewhere in the woods, so we went up to Meadowdale park in Lynnwood. I'm not going on regular walks anymore, so the hike kicked my ass. Still, the park was absolutely lovely, and the weather was almost perfect.
In regards to the last LJ post about unwanted house vermin- it wasn't a roach. It was a huge spider that appeared on the ceiling above my head several hours later. I used my standard spider-killing technique, which is: wait till the giant spider moves to a position where it won't fall on your desk or couch and disappear, biding it's time till it can climb up your arm when you least expect it and kill you. Sometimes this means waiting for hours for the spider to move, blowing on it gently to encourage it to go in the direction you want. When it doesn't move, cry and feel angry and helpless, because why does this tiny little fucking evil thing have so much power over me anyway!? (It just does, alright?) When mega-spider is finally in position, grab dining room chair and a spray bottle filled with water. Be wearing shoes suitable for stomping. Stand on chair, spritz spider with water. It will go "WTF!?" and drop to the floor. Jump off dining room chair, and stomp on the spider till it's an unrecognizable smear. Feel triumphant and wait several more hours till adrenalin rush subsides enough to go to bed, because of course this always happens at 3am. Anyone who says "oh, just let the poor innocent harmless thing outside", gets unfriended. Just.... NO.
06:54 pm: Gross..
There was a paper bag that we brought some leftovers home in, and it was sitting behind the recycle bin. I picked up the bag and went to put it inside the recycle bin, when something HUGE sprang from the folds of the bag, and dashed under the stove. I only caught a fleeting glimpse, but it was gigantic, black, fast, and had at least six legs. It didn't run like a spider, I think it was a roach. And now it's in my kitchen. I keep a damn clean house, and I've never, ever seen a cockroach in my living space before. And since there was just the one, how much ya wanna bet it was a pregnant female? Because, of course, if one single roach accidentally gets into your house, it's going to be a knocked-up floozy-roach, right? I never though I would have cause to say this, but I actually HOPE it was ONLY a monumentally huge, black, hairy, poisonous, fast-moving spider. Because those I can handle. (For the most part, though there is usually some screaming involved...)
11:03 pm: Still Working On The Car, Still Full Of Doubts, Even Though It Looks Awesome
My car looks amazing. So far, the reaction I get the most is "isn't that super-heavy, won't it wreck your mileage?" It's true that gluing 250-300 pounds of glass stones to my car will hurt my mileage to some (probably not small) degree, and making my car less efficient isn't the smartest thing a person with no income can do, but I'm just not going to worry about that right now. Did I mention it looks fucking amazing? Lots of cars out there in the world have 300 pound people driving them every day, my 300 pounds is evenly distributed around the outside! My dad, bless his heart, asks "what happens when you take the stones off?" The stones are never coming off Dad, ever! "What about the resale value?" Dad! I'm never selling this car! "Won't it attract vandals?" AAAAARRRRGG! DAD! What are they gonna do?
Another person questioned the legality of it. If I'm breaking any laws by having a very shiny and possibly distracting car, it's kind of too late now. So far, few drivers or pedestrians seem to even notice it. It's a big hit at the gas station, though!
I'm still afraid the art car folks will think it's dumb, and say I'm an idiot for putting such heavy stuff on a small car. We'll see this weekend..
09:16 pm: Car Progress, With Photos
I have been working diligently on the car since I got back, and managed to finish the roof. I did the roof first because standing on a step-stool, leaning out over the car, is murder on my back, so I wanted that part over with. The rest should be a lot less painful! ( Photos of my progressCollapse ) I have 16 days! I'm still crippled by bouts of imposter syndrome, thinking that this is going to be the dumbest art car that ever was. I have no clue what to do with the rest of it. I know I COULD do flames, waves, sea creatures, flowers, geometric patterns, etc, but I really don't have any sort of eye for creating stuff like that. I think the majority of it will be more rows of colors, though not necessarily straight rows.
11:28 pm: Title Goes Here
I did all but one of the things on my "Things I Want To Do At Wiscon" list. I arrived in Madison a full week ahead of the convention, and spent quality time with my folks, and my brother, who came down from Green Bay for the weekend. I had a ball with Carrie, a gal I used to work with at the dentist's office. I didn't get a chance to see her when I was in town last year. She and her gang are a hoot, and I had a really great time with them! Every year my folks get a bit more frail, but all things considered, they're in pretty good shape. They keep up a house and a good-sized yard, they drive and travel, mom even has a smartphone! We mostly did yard-work and sat in the backyard watching the hummingbirds come to the feeders. It was very relaxing. The Weds before Wiscon started, I went to my old nail salon, and had my nails done. I wanted to feel girly, so I indulged myself. The gal at the salon remembered me, even though I left town seven years ago. I drove around on the west side of Madison, and also indulged in a Culver's butter-burger. ( And now, the Wiscon part of the tripCollapse )
So now I'm home. One thing that happened while I was away was a podcast I was in was put up. Back in April, I was at an art show drinking wine, when a friend asked me, "hey, wanna be in a podcast?" I agreed, and went into a room and was asked questions about technology. He interviewed lots of people that day, and so I didn't think anything of it. They wouldn't actually use anything I said, would they? Turns out they did, and I'M AWESOME!! My part starts about 12 minutes in.
So that cheered me up! Now that I'm back, I have to get cracking on the car. I have exactly 20 days to glue the rest of the aquarium stones to it. And I still need to think of a name for it! Help!
01:36 pm: Wiscon Plans And Such
Wednesday at stupid o'clock in the morning, I leave for Madison. If the plane doesn't crash, and my suitcase arrives with me, it will be a good trip. I'm flying directly to and from Madison, instead of through Chicago, so I'll miss seeing Luke's family in Oak Park. They're always so good to us.
I have a week to hang out with my folks, and catch up with my brother.
Many of the things I want to do while at Wiscon involve food, but not all: *Plaza burger. *Kabul, if they're still there. *Fancy dinner Saturday night with David Emerson, Simba Blood, and Peter Larson. It's tradition! *Actually have the courage to sing at Geekeoke! *Have some kitten-pile time with raanve. *Soap Opera! *Go to some panels. *Hopefully not be to shy/intimidated to seek people out and do stuff with them.
Also, I've managed to set myself up with a Twitter account, so I'll be trying to learn how to use it.
08:56 pm: Nails, Liquor, Cars
Two weekends ago, I found myself at a nail salon for the first time in about seven years. I used to get my nails done all the time when I lived in Madison. It was my girlie indulgence back when I was working, but I've long since gotten used to my short, stumpy natural nails. The occasion was a birthday, I was invited to a get-together which started at the salon, and later ended at a karaoke place. I had quite a few drinks on board, and I even picked a song, but once again, I was still too chicken to try to sing. That said, I had a great time, and I'm glad I went along. I knew one person fairly well, knew the birthday gal a little bit, and didn't really know anybody else there. Which, for me, are usually prime ingredients for a major attack of "shy". But I overcame it. The booze did help quite a bit, though.. So then I had long, pretty, fake nails for about two weeks. They felt so strange, I couldn't believe that this used to be my "normal". They were longer that I normally got, though, and I could tell that the lady who did them did not have the skill of my regular gal back in Madison. Maybe I'll look her up and treat myself when I'm there for Wiscon.
09:15 pm: Because! All The Things!
The weather is lovely today, so I took a walk, my first in a while. I might even have gotten some sun.
In no particular order, here are some various things:
Comets. I recently saw my fifth. Some people don't believe me when I say I saw comet Kohoutek in January, 1974, but I really did. I didn't see another till Hyakutake in March of 1996. Then Hale-Bopp in 1997, everyone saw that one, it was in the sky for months. Comet McNaught made a brief appearance in the the northern hemisphere in January, 2007, and Luke and I were lucky to catch it. Then it went around the sun and went ape-shit for people below the equator. A few months ago I started hearing about comet Pan-STARRS, and as soon as it was reported to be visible in our area, we went looking for it. It was pretty dinky, and you needed binoculars to see it, but that still counts in my book.
Hair. Getting long and driving me crazy, but I'm not ready to chop it off yet. I love how long it is, but I hate how it looks, if that even makes any sense..
Wiscon plans. I haz them. I'm flying into Madison on May 15th, nice and early so I can spend some extra time with the folks. Luke is busy with school, and won't be coming to Wiscon this year. That means no photo booth, unless someone else does it. I hope people still dress up on Sunday night, because I'm planning to! Also, I'm not going to do an LJ/Facebook party. Wiscon is going to be weird and different for me. Most of the time I'm there, I'm just LOOKING for people, and when I don't find them, I had Luke to go off and do something with. Not this year. There are a few people who I consider friends, yet I always get the sense that they are only letting me hang around them because the TRULY COOL people they'd rather be around haven't shown up yet. My company is tolerated, but not sought out. I feel like I have to beg to be included. It happened more than once last year. It's going to be a challenge to not feel that way when I'm at the con alone. Imposter syndrome, and a whole bunch of other things are at work here. Another Wiscon challenge will actually BE the finding of people. I don't tweet, and I barely text.
Which I guess leads to: things I don't do, don't know how to do, or don't know anything about. *I do not have an i-pod, or any i-device for that matter. *I'm ashamed to admit I only get XKCD about half the time. *I guess if I'm going to be able to find people, and find out about things at Wiscon, I'm going to have to learn to tweet. What the hell do you do?
Still on a massive autobiography kick. I'm keeping a list of everything I've read. *Rob Lowe *Evan Handler *Carrie Fisher *William Shatner, a fun read. *Betty White, another fun read. *John Lithgow, incredible book. I've always liked him in TV and movies, and didn't know anything about him as a person. I had no idea he was a Tony-winning Broadway star, as well as a very good writer. *John Ritter, written by his widow. *Alison Arngrim, better known as Nellie Oleson from Little House on the Prairie. Another incredible book, a harrowing Hollywood tale, very well written. *Regis Philbin, why? I've been enjoying stories of how various famous people got their start, the folks they met and worked with in their early days. I don't much care for Regis Philbin, but he's someone who knew and worked with everybody, so why not..? *Michael J. Fox, two books of his, actually. *Penny Marshall *Sissy Spacek *Pam Grier *Simon Pegg, a fun book, left me wishing he'd written more, and wishing I was more of a nerd. Currently reading Walter Cronkite, who definitely has some stories, and tells them well. Next up- Martin Sheen, Claudia Christian and Dick Van Dyke.
You know how you watch something on YouTube, and on the side are other related videos, and then you've gone down the rabbit hole, and suddenly it's hours later, and you've reconnected with bands you haven't seen in years. That happens to me a lot... Anyway, this is one of my all-time very favorite songs, and I'd never seen this live version.
Another time, I'll tell tales about getting my nails done for the first time in years, how I was too chicken to sing karaoke (again), but had a great time anyway. Also, why our downstairs neighbor's boyfriend is a jerk.
*Still reading biographies. In the first bunch I mentioned last time, I forgot about the books by Mindy Kaling, and James Garner. Also read Jimmy Walker, and Gene Wilder. I definitely prefer an autobiography, even if they're helped by somebody. I want to hear someone tell their own story. I went and got myself a library card, I haven't had one since I was a kid. But I'm pretty bored these days, and I have no patience for fiction, so biographies do it for me. Randomly scouring the shelves at my neighborhood branch the other day, I grabbed Marty Feldman, Garry Marshall and Roger Ebert.
*My parents, who both lived in Madison their whole lives, decided a couple years ago that they were sick of winter. They go to Vegas for a week every February, but it wasn't enough anymore. They wanted to try being "snowbirds" - people of cold climes, who travel south (or west) for some or all of winter. Mom and dad like Arizona, they have friends there, and also relatives on both sides of the family. They did a lot of research, checked out some senior snowbird communities during previous trips, and settled on the town of Bullhead City, where my uncle lives. They rented a furnished apartment, and they'll stay for a month. If they like it, maybe next year it'll be for longer. I'm so glad that my folks are able to do this. My biggest concern is for the house back in Madison. They have some neighbors they can trust, who will keep an eye out, and shovel the drive when it snows, but I worry anyway. When I want to know what the weather is like in Madison, I can look here- Madison traffic cameras The camera for Truax, is about a block from mom and dad's house. I think it's cool that I can watch real-time road conditions of a place so familiar, yet so far away.
*My never-ending issues with sleep are the worst they've ever been. Sunday, I got up about three in the afternoon. I don't get tired at night. Luke goes to bed before midnight, I watch TV till one or two, then I surf the rest of the night. Stupid games, LJ, Facebook, Buzzfeed, IO9, Cheezburger, Slog, world news, local news, email, etc, round and round, over and over. I'm not tired. If I were to go to bed now, I'd toss and flop like a dying carp for hours and hours. Luke has to get up early for school, so I let him sleep. He leaves at 7:30, I surf some more, make some breakfast. Read a bit. It's 11am, and I finally feel a little bit drowsy, so I turn on some mindless daytime TV and doze on the couch. I get all of 15 minutes of sleep. I take a shower, and go to the library. I tidy the kitchen and bathroom, start some laundry. Around 4, I doze for maybe another 15 minutes. Tend the laundry. Luke gets home after six, I don't remember what we had for dinner. I dazedly watch TV. Of the past 33 hours, I've had maybe 30-45 minutes of sleep. At 11:45 I take two Tylenol PM pills. I force myself to turn off the TV and the computer. I go to bed around 12:30, and sleep deeply till about 4 Tuesday afternoon. I have bizarre dreams and feel disoriented upon waking. I can only take Tylenol PM once or twice a week. Too many days in a row, and it stops working. Luke and I have our Valentine's dinner out a couple days early (Wednesday is his regular movie night with randy_byers, and on Thursday, Valentine's day proper, the restaurants will be too busy, so I'll make a nice dinner at home) After a lovely dinner, we come home, I plop myself in front the TV once more, and am wide awake. Another night of TV and surfing. I went to bed around 5:30, but I didn't sleep. Luke got up at 6:30. I hoped to settle down after he left, but I didn't. I'm so awake, it's hard to even close my eyes. So I get up. Make some toast. Tidy the kitchen. Surf and play games. Start typing this. I'm finally starting to feel a teeny bit drowsy, so I'm going to try for a nap. Here's hoping for an hour of sleep! Everything else on the "list of things I could post" can wait...
12:33 pm: Strange Days
I haven't posted since early November. I missed my 10 year LJ-versary, Nov 30th. The holidays were kind of dull and sad for me.
Luke started grad school last week. So far, it seems to be going good. His schedule means that he won't be going to Wiscon this year. I'll be going by myself. That'll be strange. It'll force me out of my comfort zone a bit, and make me be more proactive in seeking people for dinner gatherings and the like. I always did that before, but having my husband there meant never eating or hanging out alone if we couldn't find anybody else. I'll probably still do the LJ party, but there won't be a photo booth this year, unless someone new decides they want to take the whole thing on.
Luke and I won't be going to Potlatch. Last year we didn't buy a membership, but we showed up on Saturday night, dragged a few people off for dinner, then hung around in consuite for a couple hours. This year, it conflicts with a potluck held for volunteers of North Beach Park.
Everyone is talking about what they're reading. Me, I mostly read biographies. Started with Michael Palin's diaries a couple years ago, and moved on to various personalities that I like, comedians for the most part. Steve Martin's "Born Standing Up" was especially good. Also read biographies of (and/or by) Harpo Marx, Tina Fey, Rachel Dratch, Craig Ferguson, Tracy Morgan, Richard Hammond, Jacques Cousteau, and Howie Mandel. Also read "Live From New York", a 600 page history of Saturday Night Live, told by the people who wrote, starred, hosted, and worked behind the scenes. And "We Killed", about the rise of women in American comedy. Very interesting.
On the trunk are magnets, they've been there since before SACBO, on the spoiler I've just glued aquarium stones with silicone caulk. This is a test, how well will they stick, and how much will they fade? If they do OK over the winter, I will cover the whole car. This was the plan since June, but I couldn't make myself get started. It will be permanently altering my car, and am I really someone who wants to do that? I've debated the pros and cons with myself constantly. For months. But our experience on Halloween helped tip the balance. (More on that later, or earlier, if you know what I mean..)
*11/6/12 I was afraid to turn on the TV, but it all turned out OK in the end! What a relief! No more disgusting attack ads poisoning the airwaves, and no more robocalls.
*The Sunday before that, or maybe it was Monday. Luke and I went to Carkeek Park to see if the salmon were in the creek. They were! The mountains were particularly lovely that day.
I think that bridge over the train tracks is my favorite place in all Seattle.
*10/31/12 Halloween. Last year, Luke and I walked around downtown Ballard to see all the folks in costume. Pretty much all the local shops give out candy, and we saw some great outfits on kids, grown-ups and pets. We swore that we'd dress up ourselves next year. Suddenly, it was next year already! What to do? Luke and I had no actual Halloween plans. We don't really have many friends here, and we had no parties to go to. But I wanted to do something for downtown Ballard, because you really need a costume. Then I remembered something clever and super easy. Take an umbrella, cover it in strips of bubble wrap, and you're a jellyfish! I think the first time I saw this was at one of Hope's parties back in the 90's. So, I made two jellyfish costumes, one for each of us.
There was a difficult moment at first. I knew deep down they looked pretty good and people would like them. But as we left the house I was consumed with doubt that was almost overwhelming: what if people think they look stupid? Is this the dumbest thing ever? But we walked little more than a block before we started hearing "Great costumes!" "Oh man, those are awesome!" "Look mommy- jellyfish!" We were a huge hit with everybody! Plus, it was raining, so there was that, too.. (So that was when I decided I wanted to go ahead with the car. Once it starts to look awesome, I probably won't have doubts anymore.)
10/28/12 Luke and I went to Carkeek Park to see if the salmon were in the creek. Either they weren't there yet, or we didn't happen to see any that day. But any trip to Carkeek brings delights, and we weren't disappointed. As we climbed up the stairs from the beach, a small group of people were looking intently towards the water. "A pod of Orca, heading this way", one of them told us when we asked what they were looking at. OMG! Killer whales! So we parked ourselves on the bridge, raised our binoculars, and waited with them. When the whales finally appeared, they were about a mile away, but no matter- we both had good binoculars, and you could see them surfacing with the puff of air and those tall black fins rhythmically raising and going under. They were moving north in no hurry, we watched them for about an hour. Real-live, honest-to-goodness killer whales visible in the city where I live. So Fucking Awesome!
10/12-15/12 Luke and I flew to Chicago for a whirlwind (in more ways than one) trip for his niece Rachel's wedding. So Many Things happened, but it's all fading to a blur now. I didn't get any good pictures at the wedding itself. It was on a farm in the town of Geneva, about an hour outside the city. It was supposed to be outdoors, but there was a storm. Like- evacuate the tent and hide in the barn because there was a tornado warning! Everybody got soaked. It was really cold. Hairdo's and fancy shoes were wrecked. But it didn't matter. It was such a lovely wedding anyway. The catering staff went far above and way, way beyond to take care of people when things went pear-shaped, and the schedule of events was thrown for a loop. After the wedding, we went back to the hotel. Luke's sister set up a suite with drinks and snacks, for the closest family members (Luke, his siblings and spouses) to relax after the long day. We all changed into dry, comfy clothes. We were glad for the food, there was lunch served at the wedding, but there really wasn't enough of it. Luke's brother came to the wedding, it was the first time they'd seen each other in more than a decade. His sisters are wonderful, all three of them live in Chicago, and he's fairly close to them, but Luke just says he and his brother never really got along. No specific reason that I could pry out of him, so of course, I was massively curious about meeting this man! I had no delusions of fixing whatever was wrong between them, I just wanted to see the man in person and find out what he was like. Turns out- kind of a jerk. He wasn't very nice to Luke, and seemed a bit cold all around. So I guess that's just the way it's going to be. Maybe we won't see him again for another ten years, but now I can say that I've met the whole family. ( Two Family PicturesCollapse )
09:49 pm: Never Go Camping In September In A Tent With No Windows... And Other Stories
*I haven't posted since I was still in Madison, more than a month ago now. My time there was great, old friends, the Corn Fest, family treasures, etc. I had lots of post-worthy experiences, but since I didn't write up anything when I first got back, it isn't going to happen. I uploaded more old family photos to my gallery here, but mostly to have them hosted online somewhere, should my computer die again and wipe out everything. That was a painful lesson to learn. One of the treasures I returned with was a little green dress. ( Remember this?Collapse )
*Days after my return, Luke presented his final project for Antioch University, a 40-minute talk about forest stewardship. His plan now is to try and get into grad school next winter.
*Also just after my return, I said goodbye to lara7, who is moving to the island of Fiji. She's pretty much the closest friend I've had here in Seattle, so while it's an amazing opportunity for her, it totally sucks for me. Been feeling kind of lost lately.
*I was getting increasingly frustrated with my computer, not being able to do things everyone else seemed to have no problem with. I finally gave in and let Luke put Firefox on it. Now I'm still confused and frustrated, but it seems to be able to do some things it couldn't before. Adding photos to an LJ post is a different struggle now, but I'll muddle through.
*A couple years ago, Luke and I went to the Puyallup fair, and had a blast. I took some great pictures that day, but I didn't get around to uploading any to LJ. Now they're gone forever, part of the painful lesson mentioned before. Luke and I went to the fair again, week before last. This time however, I got my photos up quickly. ( Do The Puyallup!Collapse )
*I've been pretty down lately, and I've been feeling a bit of wanderlust. Luke has no school commitments this fall, so I wanted to go on a road trip or something. I've missed being able to do stuff like that, since Luke got so heavily into school and park work this year. I suggested maybe another camping trip, and Luke was willing to give it a go. We picked Ft. Ebey State Park, on Whidbey island. When we went camping last July, we borrowed a tent from Lara and Paul. They've packed up their tent and taken it to Fiji, so we'd need our own. You can rent them, but we decided to buy one. The sporting goods store had a selection of simple-looking, inexpensive tents, so we picked a Coleman 5-person dome tent that looked very easy to put up. That was really all I cared about, but we should have looked more closely. The fact that it was called the "Sunrise Point" should also have been a clue. We arrive on Whidbey island Wednesday morning, and find it shrouded in a cold fog. It was clearing as we got to the park, and selected an empty campsite. After Sept 15th, sites are first-come first-served. Most of the other campers were in RV's. We took the tent out of the package and it was indeed easy to set up. Then we finally discovered our mistake. It had open mesh on two sides, no windows you could zip up and close. It had a rain fly, so we'd have privacy, and wouldn't get rained on from above, but that wasn't going to keep the cold fog out. Crap. I felt like an idiot. We talked it over and decided that if we were truly miserable overnight, we'd pack up first thing, leave the park, and drive around the island all day, because there are nice little towns and things to see all over. The sun had come out, so we got the rest of camp set up, and went on a hike. Ft. Ebey is really a lovely place. Our site was totally private, in a stand of second-growth Douglas firs. We had dinner and got a good fire going. The fog closed back in. The campground was pretty quiet, and very dark. We realized as the fire burned out that we probably weren't going to be warm again till we got up in the morning and made breakfast. We went to bed at 9pm. It wasn't as cold and wet in the tent as I was expecting, but it certainly wasn't very comfortable. I didn't sleep much. We got up about 8am, and things were pretty damp outside, but we decided to stay. After breakfast, we jumped in the car and drove north to another state park. It was so foggy in places, I couldn't see more than 50 feet ahead. We made it to Joseph Whidbey State Park. It was mostly swampy open space, but we walked the trails anyway. There wasn't much activity this time of year, but this would be a great place to see birds in the spring. There were countless slugs along the trail, we probably stepped on several, you couldn't help it, there were that many. What will haunt me about this place, is what we saw just as we started down the first trail. About ten feet off the path, curled up in a ball on the cold wet ground, a little grey kitten stared intently at us. We stopped short. It didn't approach us, or run away. It somehow managed to look both terrified of us, and beseeching. If I managed to pick it up, what then? Drive around the island till we found an animal shelter? But picking it up was not an option. Luke is deathly allergic, having it with us would render the car uninhabitable for him. We just had to leave it be. I will never forget that little face. Next stop, Ft. Casey State Park. We shook off our blues here. The sun came out, and we walked around the old battlements. There was a large family of quail feeding in the grass, along with several deer. We watched the Keystone ferry pull in and out. Mt. Baker was even visible. We stayed for several hours and had a picnic. Then we went back to camp, and bought extra firewood. We had a great fire that lasted till 10! We both slept better, and woke to an even wetter morning on Friday. We broke camp, stuffed every wet thing haphazardly into the car, and drove to the nearby town of Coupville, where we had a wonderful breakfast at a place called the Knead and Feed. We really like Coupville. We hung around the Keystone ferry dock for a while, then headed for home, arriving around 2:30. If this had been our first camping trip, I don't know if we'd go again. But we had so much fun back in July, we know we'll camp again in warmer weather. Too bad we can't take back that tent, and get one with windows that close. Today, Luke went to a work party at North Beach Park, and I did laundry, and hung things on the balcony to dry.
ohnotheydidnt 
