El Jefe's Mind

I started putting up notes as an avenue to vent and dammit, that’s what I’m gonna do [doctor’s orders].

I am so sick of seeing thuggy, clueless kids at the Ceddi plaza or the Galleria walking around with Scarface, Don Corleone or Che Guevara on their T-Shirts. I hate to break it to you, but wearing all this does nut make you tough. A rebel or pass a message for a cause. The most irksome is seeing Che Guevara, Ken Saro –Wiwa etc, on a fucking T-shirt worn by people who have no idea who he is.

What’s worse, I am so goddamn fucking sick of hearing the phrase “say hello to my little friend” in movies. SAYING THIS PHRASE IS NOT FUCKING FUNNY AND IT DOES NOT MAKE YOU LOOK TOUGH! IT WASN’T FUNNY THE FIRST ONE HUNDRED TIMES, YOU WON’T BE TOUGH THE NEXT ONE HUNDRED TIMES! It’s become the most retarded cliché of badly written movies! I’m just sick of it. I don’t understand it. I want it to end. It’s not cool, it’s not a statement, it’s just more idiots buying into corporate America’s horseshit factory of manufactured icons. By the way, did any of you see actually see the original Scarface movie?

If you write down the word “cool” as “kewl”…die! I mean, you are going out of your way to misspell a word. You’re not even shortcutting out of some misguided sense of saving time. I don’t understand it. “kewl,” when spoken phonetically, doesn’t even sound like “cool!” It sounds like “key-yule” and, if that’s your intention, it’s retarded! I want to rip your tongue out of your mouth for buttfucking the English language with it and for assaulting my eyes every time I see this stupid word scrawled out in print.

We are shunning intelligence in today’s society and that’s just fucking stupid. 🙂

As a teacher’s son, I see this all the time. In today’s society, we see intelligence as an undesirable trait. Kids no longer want to be seen as smart because, for some reason, that’s something to be ashamed of. In a society that worships the likes of Paris Hilton, Nollywood, Timaya and the Twilight series, I feel very certain that unless this trend is reversed, we will see the end very soon.

What makes me angry is that, while I am no tremendous intellect, I like to think that I’m a smart person and, when I make an observation or deliver a piece of information that people don’t know, I receive looks and stares like I’m the idiot for knowing something that the general public does not. Why am I the stupid one for knowing something you don’t?

Ladies in particular, really… the stupid act doesn’t work. All it makes guys think is, I can totally fuck this bimbo and then dump her. It’s not cute, it’s goddamn annoying and you can burst into flames when you do it for all I care.

Dudes, keeping it real does not mean keeping it stupid! Read, my brothers, read. And if you won’t, do not act like I should be sorry and ashamed that I’ve applied some effort to enriching my mind. It will not work! I will not dumb it down.

Pidgin English is fine and all, but it is not a suitable permanent replacement for English. If for no other reason, endavour to speak regular English as justification of the money spent on your school fees.
We need to value intelligence again. We need to stop shoving millions of naira into abysmal soccer programs and buy enough goddamn textbooks to go around. We need to stop idolizing morons who get arrested for stealing taxpayer’s money only to be released with an apology or one who doesn’t know the difference between FEC and EC of Nigeria.

… Now where the fuck is my chocolate?

I have nothing to say. All right, that’s a little untrue. I actually have a lot to say, but I just don’t think this is the right time. 

There was something that happened a couple of months back involving the death of someone I used to know, but I don’t want to write about that because there are a few people back home who know that I write these and I don’t want them coming here reading things I’m writing about someone who died prematurely.

Some day – perhaps months, perhaps years or perhaps minutes down the line I will, but not now. This has nothing to do with my own sorrow, but rather the content of the blog post and its perceived harm to anyone who knew the guy.

I could write about this medical issue I’m having, but that’s going to be too problematic as well because I don’t know what’s going on, and until I do I really don’t want to discuss it or raise any fears, I’m just fine.

I could write about my turbulent, near imaginary love life…but who needs the grief.

I could write and rant about some moron or the other but honestly…who needs the grief?

I guess I could talk about Yaradua and Mutallab but is there anything that hasn’t been said? And as for everything else, there’s really been no news, just more of the same.

Upcoming movies? It’s all done for a while, except maybe Iron man II.

I could write about some deep philosophical theory, but that’s not how I feel right now. To be honest I almost feel like one of those “how does it change the price of garri in the market” types right now.

I could write about how much I miss you and need you to come back home, but I guess you know all that already…Miss you ‘feef!

So, that leaves me with zip. Nothing to write about. Goddamnit, that’s frustrating…

Contrary to popular belief, not all Nigerians are judgmental and intolerant. And I’m not talking to any foreigners here either I’m talking to my very own Nigerians who obviously take themselves too seriously. I’m in a bad mood today because some people insist on having certain conversations while knowing full well that they lack any capacity for objectivity.

I hope you are all reading this.
I’m not going to go into a gigantic religious discussion because, to be frank, I don’t give a shit what you believe and I’m pretty sure you give less of a shit what I believe. I’m making this point to some atheists [towards whom I was sympathetic] that I have made to some fundamentalists in the past… I don’t give a shit what you believe.

You don’t believe in God. Hey, good for you! Don’t come and make your point when someone is telling us about the death of their mother or the christening of their child or even how they’re praying to pass an exam or get a job!

An unsolicited opinion is never welcome and just because you think you’ve got the universe figured out, doesn’t give you an excuse to act like an indignant idiot. If you don’t let the fundamentalist, religious nuts do it, what gives you the right to?

This is where you usually give me the “everyone hates us” and “we’re misunderstood” shtick. I’m not saying it’s easy to be an atheist, but you chose to be one.
Let me point out here that I have nothing against atheists. As matter of fact I have a few good friends who are atheist.

However, you cannot horn in on conversations, expel your point of view, and then mock everyone who doesn’t agree with you. Holding your heads high while sitting in some bubble of pseudo-superiority. If you were to encounter this in a spiritual individual, you would call him/her a mindless lemming. What does that make you?

Again I say I know lots of atheists and I love them, but many of you are over-opinionated morons and you’re not doing your own movement any favors.
Besides, no one knows the nature of the universe and, spiritual or not, we’re all equally stupid. Besides, if you think about it, your lack of belief in a Supreme Being and faith in nothing but the universe, its ways, order, chaos or whatever is in itself a sort of belief system, no?
See, you guys aren’t so cool after all. This of course does not give any hyper-religious nut from any quarter the right to bother me with “thank you” messages and such, because honestly, you guys annoy me just as much. But I think I’ve done enough complaining.

After spending the last few years peacocking about and living in the escapist surrealness that is the Abuja social scene, I have many, many questions. Some pertinent and some not so pertinent. But since I am still reeling from being struck by the supreme power of ignorance and foolishness, as is always the result when one allows oneself to get dragged into a "beer parlour" argument, I shall only ask the less pertinent questions.
 
In Hades, sorry I mean Aristotle (a night club located in Ceddi Plaza), whose idea was it to frequently blare off that bloody siren every time some one buys a "high end" drink? I mean, the damned thing sounds like a cross between a crucified banshee and a foghorn in labour! That's my reward for spending my hard earned money? And I've been there often enough to know that they'll set it off randomly whether or not a peanut is purchased. Why? You can see them, with malevolent grins pressing the damn button! And you can almost hear their thoughts;"dance slaves! Or I'll rupture your eardrums! Bwah hahahahaha! 
 
At Play. Why, oh why are those bouncers on a never ending ego trip? Personally, I don't get any crap from them...anymore. But sometimes watching them act like letting you in is the equivalent to donating the liver your mother so desperately needs to live is downright annoying. 
Oh, and this is probably just me, but why does being in the X.O VIP lounge make me feel like I'm in a mental institution?
 
Aqua! I know, I know...the high whore count isn't their fault...its located in the Sheraton for cripes sake! But more unsettling...does Jolly Cole have sweat glands? That dude seems like he could come in there dressed as Santa and still not break a sweat!
 
Cubana and A-lounge... Sigh! Why not forget gate fees and all and enforce a strict shower and deodorant policy? Hell, install a shower near the door and make 'em buy the deo! Maybe its just me but after creating some reasonably lovely edifices to put your club in, having it smell like the place armpits go to die is not my idea of the right "ambiance"!
 
Eden, nice, nice...for a hallway. And why does it always seem like you're crashing a party meant only for the owners and their 6 to 10 friends? Their always hopping about, partying harder than the customers, hogging the waitresses, so much that I often want to walk up to them and say "happy birthday". 
 
Cafe 24: No other hang out spot illustrates the need to "Light Up Nigeria". Do they make money? Yes. 
Are their prices low? No. 
Do they consider investing in a functional generator or inverter?... Don't be absurd!
Oh and I have to ask; is it located just beside the twilight zone? 'Cos it has to be the only place where it takes longer to make a club sandwich than it does to make Fried rice, curry sauce and chicken. Hmmm.
 
Terminal 5: what are you? Night club, lounge., what???
 
The Basement? 'Nuff said!
 
Mediterranean Rec Centre. Its got everything! Basketball, swimming, ping pong, music school, beach volleyball, go karts, ampitheater, soccer, karate dojo, health foods, tennis...even hammocks! But no people? Huh?
 
Well, that'll do it for now. Feel free to ask any questions of your own in the comments section. I'm off to pursue deeper inquest as to the location of Jolly C's sweat glands! 
Oh and if you do two things this week, they should be: 
1. Get a copy of Jesse Jagz's blazing new album, "Jag of All Trades"
2. Get your copy of the "City Crawler" magazine

3. Come get Blended, iBlend style at TGI1st at the Silverbird Galleria!

what? that's three things? whatever man!....iblend!
 
Later, crazy people!